super_dave0001 Posted September 13, 2006 Share Posted September 13, 2006 ok im new to this site, seems like a helpful place to be to help let things burn... ok i dated my ex for 6 months, we broke up cause we didnt see eachother enough according to her... she dated another guy but they had there probs, she kept calling him my name and other things...they broke up. 2 months later we got back togther and went steady for 6 years, on friday september 8th. im at her place, she says she wants to talk... she starts saying how shes bored and everything is a rutien with us, she dosent feel connected to me as a lover.. more like friends, that threw me way off..... i pleeded my case and said why dont we try to fix this, we've delt with worse so she said ok gimme time to think about it, 2 days go by, and she gives me the answer of its not gonna work out i need time alone, i want to be by myself for a bit, at this point im balling my eyes out to the point where i couldnt breathe... so she tells me after that she wants to remain friends but she wants her space for the time being... she dosent want to talk to me at all until its best for her i guess u could say..... i dunno wut i did wrong she clams i did nothing wrong, she said it wasnt me it was her, which i think is b.s. cause she said she was bored and it was rutien, so obviously that means i wasnt spontanious enough.... i guess wut my question is.. is whats going through her head? is she just tryn to make me feel better by saying she wants to be friends but when its right for her? but in the end shes just really shutn me out completely? is there a chance she will come back to me to try to make it work again? if she does is it worth it to take her back for a 3rd time? my feelings r so strong for her i cry every night, and i tryed talking to her monday, i told her i thought about her all day at work, and i asked her if she thought about me at all, she said "nope"..... thats wut completely crushed wut was left of my heart.... wether she was lyeing about that or not regardless it hurt to hear it, im so confused and dont no wut to do anymore....i really want to be with her i had a proposal planned and we both told eachother countless times we were forever no matter wut..... sorry if this is a little long but i dunno wut to do, this was my first serious realationship thx for any advice n help in advance... Link to comment
melrich Posted September 13, 2006 Share Posted September 13, 2006 The old 7 year curse strikes again. I think you have to take your partner at her word and give her space no matter how hard that may be. 6 years is a long time and sometimes relationships can start to feel a bit stale, a bit "where are we going with this?" after so long. Allow her the time to reassess things. I really don't think you hav emuch other choice anyway at this point. Link to comment
heyduh Posted September 13, 2006 Share Posted September 13, 2006 isn't there a much older superdave on this forum? Link to comment
Rabican Posted September 13, 2006 Share Posted September 13, 2006 cant say I know what her motivation for this was, but maybe she is just bored... it can happen. I would ask her if there is anyone else... if there is then you know you can just move on, and forget hope of a future with her. If she really is just bored, then give her some space, and tell her you love her still, and you hope she will call when she wants to talk. Link to comment
super_dave0001 Posted September 13, 2006 Author Share Posted September 13, 2006 cant say I know what her motivation for this was, but maybe she is just bored... it can happen. I would ask her if there is anyone else... if there is then you know you can just move on, and forget hope of a future with her. If she really is just bored, then give her some space, and tell her you love her still, and you hope she will call when she wants to talk. i asked her that, she says no, n i do believe her .... i had doubts... im just wondering i mean 6 years then she says see ya later ill talk to u when im ready? wuts up with that... she took me to portugal last summer to meet her whole family.... it dosent make any sense... she will probably date other guys and realise again she made a mistake, and thats when shes gonna try to talk to me Link to comment
BetterKarma Posted September 13, 2006 Share Posted September 13, 2006 Welcome to enotalone Dave! Yes, the 7 year itch strikes again and it pertains to both married and single couples. I believe that when your girlfriend said "its not you, it's me" she's telling the truth. I went through the same exact experience before and it was all me. My ex was a great, wonderful guy but I was just bored out of my mind and I wanted a challenge. Although my relationship was only 3 years before I felt my itch but then again, my pattern is 3 years instead of 7. You feel hurt and you feel pain but that's going to go away with time. That is completely normal. You are addicted to her and now you need to go to "She-tox" (as I call it.) My advice is to give her space. She needs space and time to figure out what she wants in life. She's telling you that she doesn't think about you and miss you because she doesn't want to give you false hope. It seems like she has been thinking and feeling like this for a while. If you think back, i'm sure you will see signs of her wavering feelings for months prior to the actual breakup. She didn't think about this out of the blue, she has been contemplating this for months if not an entire year. In the meantime, figure out what you want in life. You have been with this woman for about 7 years, do you really see your life with her? What can you do or experience now that you are single? Take this time to really explore yourself and your options. She's not the only one opening a new chapter or exploring a new adventure, so are you. Go out there, hang out with friends, get a new hobby, meet new women and see that life does not end because she is no longer in your life. If she decides to come back to you, then you need to be sure that she is who you want to be with too. The relationship is not entirely based upon her decision. You have some thinking and soul searching to do. Link to comment
Gracelove Posted September 13, 2006 Share Posted September 13, 2006 Six years.....has there been any talk of marriage? Maybe she's bored of waiting for you to propose. Has the topic ever come up?. Link to comment
super_dave0001 Posted September 13, 2006 Author Share Posted September 13, 2006 wow that was sum powerful stuff, makes sense tho... my friends have bin telling me to just ignore her now, make her feel like u dont care and eventually she will come back, n if she does come back wanting me that i have to really make sure about it.....n to set the rules, cause she is just stringing me around now Link to comment
super_dave0001 Posted September 13, 2006 Author Share Posted September 13, 2006 Six years.....has there been any talk of marriage? Maybe she's bored of waiting for you to propose. Has the topic ever come up?. yes, she new i wanted to marry her, i had a proposal planned out, but we were waiting for her to finish university Link to comment
super_dave0001 Posted September 13, 2006 Author Share Posted September 13, 2006 so wut should i do now? should i sever all ties with her? or should i try to be there along the way, and really try to be friends..... i already no that if she starts dating again it will kill me inside... but at the same time 6 years steady is so long to just say have a nice life, esspecailly since im not the type of guy to do those things to anyone period... Link to comment
melrich Posted September 13, 2006 Share Posted September 13, 2006 Don't sever all ties. Just tell her you understand that she needs some space and you are willing to give it to her and then lert her guide the relationship for a while. Link to comment
BetterKarma Posted September 13, 2006 Share Posted September 13, 2006 wow that was sum powerful stuff, makes sense tho... my friends have bin telling me to just ignore her now, make her feel like u dont care and eventually she will come back, n if she does come back wanting me that i have to really make sure about it.....n to set the rules, cause she is just stringing me around now Dave, I'm going to say this but you might not like it. You have to cut all ties with her now. Being in contact with her will slow your healing process. Can you honestly be a true friend to her now? I think not. Strict NC is the way to go. This is the only way she will ever find out what life is like without you and you will have the chance to heal by yourself. It's going to be really tough and it's going to hurt but TRUST me, you will heal a whole lot faster and better. If you're worried that she will disappear and can't get a hold of you if she wanted you back. Come on, that's just an excuse to keep contact. She knows how to contact you if she really wanted you back. She knows where you live, work, play, etc. Do not contact her until you hear her say that she wants you back or when you are ready to be a friend with no strings attached. Link to comment
Gracelove Posted September 13, 2006 Share Posted September 13, 2006 I would say hang in there. It sounds like she's reallly peeved with you about something. Do you have any idea of what would make her so angry with you. Women communicate with women in a variety of ways. Maybe she's been trying to drop "hints" to you and you just haven't noticed them. It is often said that "men can't read between the lines", maybe this whole thing has evolved from miscommunication. Do you know of any way to disfuse her anger??? Could you do something really nice for her? Flowers maybe? Show that you love her and that you are persistent. However if she say that she wants to be left alone, respect her wishes, but in the meantime do what you can to show her how much you care. Link to comment
super_dave0001 Posted September 13, 2006 Author Share Posted September 13, 2006 damn ur good lol.... so i should block her on my msn aswell ?like obviously never call her i no that, but should i go as far as to block her msn?or just play a strong mental game and not msg her.... that sounds like a dumb question lol Link to comment
super_dave0001 Posted September 13, 2006 Author Share Posted September 13, 2006 the only thing i can think of really is that she was bored, we didnt do much exciting, nothing fun after awhile, im 22 and she would say im like 70 year old man, that eventaully got to her Link to comment
super_dave0001 Posted September 13, 2006 Author Share Posted September 13, 2006 n is it also wise to stop talking to her friends aswell? like i consider them my friends but there hella lot closer to her, they were her friends i just met them through her Link to comment
BetterKarma Posted September 13, 2006 Share Posted September 13, 2006 damn ur good lol.... so i should block her on my msn aswell ?like obviously never call her i no that, but should i go as far as to block her msn?or just play a strong mental game and not msg her.... that sounds like a dumb question lol I'm not good, I have just been in both sides of the situation before. Experience if you will. Do not block her on MSN because she will know if you did. I created a totally different sn when this happened to me and told all of the people that I wanted to contact with about that sn. Or you can keep your sn but do not IM her or reply if she IMs you. The choice is yours. I know that I would be week if I saw his sn on my screen and I didn't really want him to see me online. I went to the extreme when I did NC. NC means no contact what so ever, and that means not replying to their calls or attempts either. They miss you and will call/IM/e-mail you eventually but unless it is to ask for you back, then you should just ignore it and try to move on with your life. Otherwise, you will be strung along with false hope even though he or she didn't really mean to string you along. n is it also wise to stop talking to her friends aswell? like i consider them my friends but there hella lot closer to her, they were her friends i just met them through her No, you shouldn't do that because by now, they have become your friends as well. However, I would advise against talking to them about the breakup. It would make things very awkward for them and you don't want them to choose sides. Just treat them the way you have been before the breakup, your relationship with them did not change. Link to comment
iceman85 Posted September 13, 2006 Share Posted September 13, 2006 Dave, I had a similar thing happen to me, my ex said how bored she was. She said she wanted space. The best thing is to GIVE IT TO HER. I agree with BetterKarma to go into NC. Its a hard thing to realize that you need to do but its for the best. Like she said expect phone calls or Im's from her when shes lonely or misses you. It doesnt mean she wants to get back together, it just serves as reinforcement that your still there. Best of luck to you, hopefully you and your ex can find your way again Link to comment
super_dave0001 Posted September 13, 2006 Author Share Posted September 13, 2006 Dave, I had a similar thing happen to me, my ex said how bored she was. She said she wanted space. The best thing is to GIVE IT TO HER. I agree with BetterKarma to go into NC. Its a hard thing to realize that you need to do but its for the best. Like she said expect phone calls or Im's from her when shes lonely or misses you. It doesnt mean she wants to get back together, it just serves as reinforcement that your still there. Best of luck to you, hopefully you and your ex can find your way again her friend msged me asking when me n my ex r gonna meet up to give back stuff.... i said im not gonna do it, the my ex got on the computer and she said ill show up at my door and give everything to my parents... keep in mind my parents hate her guts now lol but i didnt tell her that..... she insists to give back sum stuff that i dont want, but she also wants to give back the promise ring i gave her an take the 1 she gave me back, and she wants her house key back.... i keep telling her im not ready to see her yet, i dunno wut to do.... she says lets just do this and get it over with.... shes confusing the * * * * outta me, she wants no contact with me tell shes ready, wants her space, but yet she wants to exchange r stuff back n she wont accept it when i say no im not ready to look at her face.... she got angry at me n logged off giving an excuse that her laptop was on low battery lol b.s. i cant believe how much of a * * * * * shes becoming to me, shes always bin the type to want her way an if it dosent happen all hell breaks loose, i dont give a flying sack of * * * * about the promise rings, if i get the 1 i gave her back ill throw it in the lake or in her face.... how can she say lets be friends when im ready if she wont stop treating me so poorly..... i dont think the whole flowers thing is a good idea since shes showing her true self and dosent care about my feelings! im so friggen pissed off now Link to comment
super_dave0001 Posted September 13, 2006 Author Share Posted September 13, 2006 i want to start the no contact with her now, ill talk to her friends, but she wants her space and time.... ive realised eventually she will wonder about me and think about our past, it will probably eat her alive inside if i have NC with her...make her realise wut she lost..... hopefully anyway.. i want her to realize the mistake she made and how much she hurt me.... only thing is i dont no how to start, i mean yea just stop talking i realize that much.. but she told me she wants space n time, n i didnt accept it at first, i kept msging her....n she would get madwith me.. which i now realise i was showing her a sign of weekness in me.... i want her to no that im not gonna talk to her now until shes ready to, but i dunno if she will see it as me giving up since i couldnt accept the fact in the beginning, n i dont wanna just go flat out im not talking to u, like a little baby... n i no she will keep bothing me to exchange our stuff back, i want her to realise that im confident in myself and not gonna be sum puppet on a string, n that ive changed from when were going out, but changed for myself from learning experiences... i no that will drive her crazy too, possible attract her back to me, but if it comes to that point, ill be the 1 calling the shots and desisions i do want her back probably always will, nc or no nc, but i want her to realise that if she desides to try to give it another go, im not the same that i was the first time round, n that im in charge Link to comment
iceman85 Posted September 13, 2006 Share Posted September 13, 2006 Super Dave what you need to do is just disapear. First however exchange the stuff, if thats what she really wants to do. Just get that problem out of your hair and then go on with NC. No point in having her bugging you about that stuff, she will probably think of you as immature for not giving the stuff back so its best you do. She sounds like my ex in that when she doesnt get her way or be able to control things she loses it. Im guessing their around the same age (19-20?). It sounds like she needs to grow up and realize that she cant always get what she wants and that theres not always going to be someone like you there for her. Give her what she needs and then get on with your life, hopefully one day she realizes it man. I cant tell you much more than that. I'm sorry shes being totally mean and different to you now. I've gone through that and its confusing and hurtful. Link to comment
BetterKarma Posted September 14, 2006 Share Posted September 14, 2006 Dave, if you think NC is going to get her back, then you're missing out on the true purpose of NC. Which is to heal yourself. Stop worrying about what she might think and feel, it is not your concern anymore. Focus on yourself, be kind to yourself, no one else will look out for you better than yourself. Starting NC will not show her that you're a "little baby" and what ever else excuse you are trying to think of to maintain contact. You're grasping at straws now. Start NC NOW. And if you really feel the need to let her know that you are starting NC, then let her know. If she keeps harassing you, then just say "Listen, I can not keep contact with you anymore because it's hurting me and giving me false hope. I can't be a true friend to you now because I am still emotional about the breakup. Give me space and time to heal and maybe we can be friends in the future. " That's all you have to do. However, she hasn't been the nicest to you, I would just go NC and forget about it. As for her stuff, she's acting pretty childish about it. She's using her friends to ask you while she's by the computer? That's just really immature. She told you already that she will drop off your stuff with your parents and I agree with her, you need to give her back her stuff. But I don't agree that you should meet because you are right, you're not ready to see her again. Best thing to do is: 1) box everything up and tell her to come get it. Without you being there. 2) MAIL IT! (this is the best option to me.) Both tactics will give you the least amount of pain and awkwardness. Link to comment
BetterKarma Posted September 14, 2006 Share Posted September 14, 2006 I'm sorry shes being totally mean and different to you now. I've gone through that and its confusing and hurtful. Sorry to hear about your pain as well Iceman. I can give you a little insight on why they are being mean and different. The relationship was over to them a long time before they even let you know and throughout that time they have been preparing themselves emotionally for the breakup. By the time is deed is done, they have moved passed a bunch of phases for mourning and not only that, they have removed themselves emotionally from you as well. So when the actual breakup happens, they don't feel as much pain as you. You two went without your exes cold turkey but they had help from you during their detox from you. (I hope this makes sense.) You think she's mean and confusing and hurtful because you're very volunerable now. And that's normal and the MAIN reason to do NC. Bottom line is: They are selfish now. At this point she is looking out for number one - herself. And in all honesty, there is nothing wrong with that. Which is exactly what you guys need to do. Don't put yourself out there for more hurt. There are plenty of women out in the world, she's not the last one. Trust me on that one. Be kind to yourself, no one else will take care of you the way you will. Link to comment
the_one99 Posted September 14, 2006 Share Posted September 14, 2006 i personally think you should just try your best to get over this horrible time and turn to ppl like ur family and close friends. Spend more time with ur family. It will not only make you forget abour her but you'll be able to spend time with them and get closer to them. If you have siblings, spend time with them...go out for an ice cream, watch a movie together or w.e...it will help to get through this time and you will benefit from being surrounded by ppl that always loved u and always will...u will never regret it...ur family is ur number one source for love and comfort....at least thats what ive learned from my experiences...hope this helps Link to comment
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