Disability

[Aurian]

Out of curiosity.... you go to a relationship site, put up an ad, and try to meet people.

 

When would be a good time to reveal a disability?

 

Too early, and you look vulnerable to the predator-types or you lose prospective mates who assume the wrong things.

 

Too late and you look like you're hiding things.

 

Any ideas?

 

(not dating yet - but I am wondering about this)

[annie24]

I think you said in a previous thread you are almost entirely deaf?

 

when you meet someone new, do they figure out quickly if you are deaf, or do you get by really well? do you read lips well?

 

when do you tell your friends or people you meet in real life?

[RayKay]

I think in part this also depends on the disability itself?

 

I think it is pertinent though to mention BEFORE meeting in person if you have a obvious disability that one may see right off. No real rationale for that other than to limit the "surprise" factor! Of course, I also tended to meet people quite early on (within a couple weeks) so if you are talking for months and waiting till before you meet to reveal it, that would be too long in my books!

 

If it is less obvious, to me it may be something that can be disclosed a little later on, after you meet perhaps. Or if it is very minor, when the issue comes up due to limitations that the disability brings with it.

 

Really it should come out in that beginning "basics of getting to know you" stage.

 

If Annie is correct, and this is about being deaf - I would probably consider bringing it up early on...but with clear explanation not of your limitations, but rather of how successfully you have worked with it!

[NJRon]

That's a tough questoin... you always play the game of ... too early and they just cut it off wothout getting to know whether you are "worth it".. or too late and hitting the pissed off "why didn't you mention this sooner" response.

 

I think that there is no right time... there are those that will accept and those that won't... the latter will pick any excuse,

 

My advice would be to wait a bit to get to know the person.... lead into it if it is only online... totally confront the person if it is in person. Ultimately, you will find someone that, no matter the disability, will accept you the way you are so, in reality, the true blue will shine through...

[friscodj]

Ooooo, this one strikes close to my heart. I have a pretty apparent disability myself and have done online dating before several times...

 

For me, I never reveal it in the actual profile. Why not? I guess the situation is sort of akin to why people don't put rates and policies on business cards...

 

When we talk on the phone is when I bring it up...

 

For what it's worth, depending on your disability, be prepared and secure enough to receive all sorts of reactions...

[friscodj]

Ultimately, you will find someone that, no matter the disability, will accept you the way you are so, in reality, the true blue will shine through...

 

This is huge! Response to your disability can be your best gauge of someone's character...

[NJRon]

For what it's worth, depending on your disability, be prepared and secure enough to receive all sorts of reactions...

 

That's the only advice possible...

[Ipso Fracto Man]

I think the purpose of a dating profile--for anyone--is to put your best foot forward. I once met a girl online who was virtually unable to speak due to a brain injury suffered in a car accident, but by the time she was comfortable enough to reveal her disability I could already see that she was witty, sexy and had a lot in common with myself, so I went ahead with my plans to meet her for a lunch. She eventually blew me off for a guy she had met a few weeks before me, but that's another story.

 

Does everybody react the same? No, but that's a heck of a good way to separate the men from the boys.

[Yvette84]

well my boyfriend and I met online and he had Obsesive compulsive disorder and didn't tell me until we got to know each other pretty well...but still before any emotional attatchment grew. And I didn't look at him any diferently and i'm glad I didn't because now he has no symptoms of OCD and is normal I stuck with him through his recovery and I am soo in love with him, so make sure you do it after you get to know the person yet...before anything developes too far, and if he accepts it. that's the guy you want! if he judges you then why would you want him anyway.....

[rikka]

I shared my disability with my current boyfriend at the "make it or break it" stage. That point where there is attraction, yet emotional attatchment isn't totally there (for us it was about 6weeks of being "together").

 

As ipso_fracto_man said, it is a good way to separate the men from the boys. There will be those who love you totally and completely and those who cannot get past the disability.

 

I do think it is a comfort thing, you share this element of yourself when you feel comfortable doing so. As friscodj said, you will get variable results. Be strong in yourself.

[friscodj]

As friscodj said, you will get variable results.

 

As strong and secure as you can be, you may get some responses that really sting. Just keep telling yourself at least you found out about this other person's character sooner than later...and remember we'll always be here for you...

[BrokenWingedFaery]

I think I'd tell the other person at the "call me" stage. In my case, I'm just deaf enough that phone convos are next to impossible unless the other person is willing to repeat themselves...over and over again. It's one of those things. When I meet people, I usually tell them straight away, so that they know I'm not being stupid or not paying attention if I need them to repeat something. But I've also never done the ad thing.

[g44]

honesty is the best policy and there is nothing wrong with admitting to old weakness or flaws or disabilities as long as you do so honestly. besides chances are the other person has a few as well, and, opening up is part of what brings people together. sometimes you don't even know u have a disability until it is 'uncovered' through a relationship and if the bond is strong you will work through them or if the disability is too much you won't. either way, it is just part of life's rich pagent [i'm dyslexia too and a rotten speller too boot!]

[Batya33]

I would want it disclosed in the profile or at minimum in the first e-mail or phone call as long as a lot of emails are not exchanged. I once met someone in person who had severe paralysis and scarring down one side of his face and neck with distorted features. His photo was taken from the profile of the "normal" side of his face. While I understood why he omitted to tell me I am glad I am a good actress and hid my shock but I thought in general it was unfair of him not to tell me in advance so I could be prepared or decide not to meet him and as it turned out I had to come to terms with the fact that no, I was not the right person to be able to deal with that type of disability in the long term. I thought he seemed like a lovely person and it was really difficult for me to be honest with myself about his disability being a dealbreaker. I did not tell him that that was the reason and since he thought it was fine to omit telling me I didn't feel I needed to be brutally honest (and also why unnecesarily hurt him).

 

I have declined to meet others with disabilities - one person used a wheelchair and the other had been hundreds of pounds overweight, just had gastric bypass surgery and was not quite stable emotionally or physically because of his lifelong obesity and the effects of the surgery. Seemed like a lovely guy, not right for me for a relationship.

 

So, if you choose not to disclose prior to meeting in person, you may put the person in a very awkward and uncomfortable position and this could cloud and negatively impact his ability to get to know you.

[friscodj]

Good, honest, realistic post there Batya...

 

I guess to summarize:

 

1) There is a fine line between "disclosure" and "misleading" and even "lying"

 

2) There might be underlying emotional/psychological issues that accompany the disability. Again, this is part of the person and it comes down to if you can live with them or not.

[Aurian]

I think you said in a previous thread you are almost entirely deaf?

 

when you meet someone new, do they figure out quickly if you are deaf, or do you get by really well? do you read lips well?

 

when do you tell your friends or people you meet in real life?

 

I am almost entirely deaf. I can hear sounds with my hearing aids, but not clearly enough to understand speech. However, my lip reading is quite good, so many people do not even realize on first meeting. Usually people figure it out on their own and ask me questions or through word of mouth. However, phone is out of the question! So, this is something I would have to reveal myself. I think I would have to reveal it before meeting, since I gather people usually exchange phone numbers first!

 

That's a tough questoin... you always play the game of ... too early and they just cut it off wothout getting to know whether you are "worth it".. or too late and hitting the pissed off "why didn't you mention this sooner" response.

 

I think that there is no right time... there are those that will accept and those that won't... the latter will pick any excuse,

 

My advice would be to wait a bit to get to know the person.... lead into it if it is only online... totally confront the person if it is in person. Ultimately, you will find someone that, no matter the disability, will accept you the way you are so, in reality, the true blue will shine through...

 

NJRon, the beginning of your post is exactly what I am thinking. I don't want to say too soon because I do manage quite well with my disability, but deafness is a bit "big" and has a lot of preconceptions ("WHAT?"). On the other hand, I don't want to cause trust problems. Guess saying that there is no right time is best, takes the indecision part off my shoulders

 

Ooooo, this one strikes close to my heart. I have a pretty apparent disability myself and have done online dating before several times...

 

For me, I never reveal it in the actual profile. Why not? I guess the situation is sort of akin to why people don't put rates and policies on business cards...

 

When we talk on the phone is when I bring it up...

 

For what it's worth, depending on your disability, be prepared and secure enough to receive all sorts of reactions...

 

Makes sense. A disability is a bit too "scary" to put in a profile!

 

I would want it disclosed in the profile or at minimum in the first e-mail or phone call as long as a lot of emails are not exchanged.

 

So, if you choose not to disclose prior to meeting in person, you may put the person in a very awkward and uncomfortable position and this could cloud and negatively impact his ability to get to know you.

 

I understand that. I wouldn't want to create any emotional attachment between either of us before sharing it. I know some people are uncomfortable with disabilities (I know some would make me uncomfortable, so I cannot blame someone else for that). Also, if someone is really uncomfortable with it, its best to move on sooner, rather than later. I have no intention to hide anything, I just want to strike a good balance between not scaring people off and not saying too late.

 

I guess I'd avoid putting it in the profile, and reveal it when he:

 

1 - asks for my phone number (Umm... I don't have one

2 - 3-4 emails in if we have a rapport

3 - first meeting if set up without a phone

 

Whichever comes first!

[Batya33]

I would not wait until you first meet. From personal experience and those of my friends it is nerve wracking enough to meet someone new through an on line ad - if you show up and your disability is obvious and significant he may not be able to look past it or get to know you the way he could have had he been prepared. Also, if you are going to on line date I would strongly suggest getting a phone - you can learn a lot about a person from their tone of voice, manner of speaking, how they greet you that you cannot from typing. It's a good way to screen out unsafe types also.

[annie24]

Also, if you are going to on line date I would strongly suggest getting a phone - you can learn a lot about a person from their tone of voice, manner of speaking, how they greet you that you cannot from typing. It's a good way to screen out unsafe types also.

 

honey, she is deaf! that's why she doesn't own a phone

 

aurian, I guess that the most natural time to tell them that you are deaf is after they ask you out on the date and they ask for your phone number, just e-mail them casually telling them yes for the date, but that you are deaf and have no phone, but lip read extremely well and most people do not even notice you are deaf.

 

If I were online dating, and a deaf man asked me out, that's probably when i would want to know. on the date could catch me off guard. getting the info a bit in advance of the date would put me in the right frame of mind.

 

my coworker is blind, and he gets by incredibly well. most people don't even realize that he is completely blind.

[Batya33]

honey, she is deaf! that's why she doesn't own a phone

 

aurian, I guess that the most natural time to tell them that you are deaf is after they ask you out on the date and they ask for your phone number, just e-mail them casually telling them yes for the date, but that you are deaf and have no phone, but lip read extremely well and most people do not even notice you are deaf.

 

If I were online dating, and a deaf man asked me out, that's probably when i would want to know. on the date could catch me off guard. getting the info a bit in advance of the date would put me in the right frame of mind.

 

my coworker is blind, and he gets by incredibly well. most people don't even realize that he is completely blind.

 

Sorry I did not realize that. I still think she needs to disclose it before meeting in person.

[Aurian]

You two ladies have a point. Okay, scratch number 3. I will mention something beforehand so the guy has a chance to get used to it. (Also, might ward off potential problems, like if he has something deaf-incompatible lined up!

[annie24]

A coincidence: link removedin link removed (one of my other favorite websites) is about a similar issue.

[Spugly Fuglet]

If I was to go on one my disability (I dont think it is) Dyslexia would kind of come out in the typing. But when I met woman befor my wife I was 100% up front about it. If I was on I site I would pop it down and say

 

Thats me 100% take it or leve it.