My daughter hates me

[Penny1041]

I cant believe things have come to this...

I have a 13 year old daughter, shes very stubborn, strong and intellegent. I left her father in 2000 because he was abusing her and her brother who's ten now.. Anyway, she and I have always had a strained relationship, even when she was a toddler it seemed.

Ive been forced to move in with my mother, and things are tense. My mom is constantly in every argument I have with my daughter. Not only that, my daughter ust abide by her rules as well as mine.

She was a straight A student last year and her greats are mediocure at best these days. Shes been distant, angry and disrespectful to everyone in my household. She says things a 13 year old should not say. My mom will tell her to clean something up and she will tell her to get of her fat -you know what- and do it herself. We were going to church on Sunday and she notice my mom was coming along and said, "oh great SHE'S coming?"

She spends hours apon hours on the internet (yes I have blocks on it). Yesterday I told her to give her brother a turn on the computer and she was angry about it and took twenty minutes to log out of her name. She called her brother a name and I told her she would not be using the computer today because of her attitude.

She then came after me, demanding a better explaination and I told her I had nothing else to say and I started to shut my bedroom door, she then pushed me back while sticking her foot in the door. I pushed her back and held her there against the wall.

ok.. so today she doesnt come home from school. She calls from a friends house, I dont know where this friend lives. She tells me she is not coming home after what I did yesterday.

 

Her dad has partial custody, he is no longer abusive to them. I am seriously considering sending her to her dads. I feel as though I have already failed as a mother.. I dont know what to do.. Im a wreck.. Any advice would be GREATLY appreciated... I am going crazy..

[socks1w]

Well im a 13 year old,and I must say im startin to have a bad relationship with my mother.And every lil thing my mom does is startin to get on my nerves.I wont say all those things people will tell you like"shes a teenager thats how they act or shes just growing up"I think she may have anger problems.If she is already getting abusive towards you,she defianately needs to get help.

 

Is she seeing a counselor or anything at all?

[Scout]

Penny, I am really sorry for your situation, it sounds extremely tough. To be honest, I would have to say that your daughter's behavior is crossing the line. It can't be chalked up to, "she's going through her teen years."

 

She's being verbally and physically abusive, and if she gets away with it now, imagine how she will be as an adult.

 

What is your relationship like with your ex? Are you two at least on neutral ground when it comes to the parenting? Is he aware of how is daughter is treating her mother, grandmother, and brother? Do you think he will be able to provide discipline you can't?

[Ipso Fracto Man]

All kids naturally push at their boundaries. It is a very common mistake to let them go too far. Declare yourself the boss and mean it, take control immediately under no uncertain terms, tell your mother that you need to have sole authority over your own children, and get some help with all that in family counseling where both you and your daughter can express your feelings in a controlled setting. Things should then start to get better very soon. Best of luck.

[Southern_Girl28]

i'm 15 and when summer of 13 my father abused me really bad it was so bad i had to get medical help. He got the police called on him and was fired from his job because he was using his companys van at the time. My father is an abusive person and at the time he was fine until i didn't want to go with him. He was abusive toward me and my mom when they were married which was about 10yrs ago. It had never been that bad before though.

 

Even after the abuse i have never treated my mom like that if anything i was closer to her. If you are thinking of sending her to her dads maybe its for the best. If her dad should get abusive whether that be verbally or physical she will realize how good she had it living with you and maybe she won't treat you like that anymore. So i'm not saying abuse is right but i know if i got bad and my mom sent me to my dads and he was terrible i'd definitely start thinking how great i had it living with my mom and appreciate her more.

[Penny1041]

Thank you both so much for the advice..

First of all, I did get my daughter into some counceling but then she said she didnt like it and its just a bunch of people being paid to listen and to care.. I figured, I could force her to go.. right?

 

Hi Scout,

My daughter tells me I am abusive, she would laugh if she was told she was the abusive one. My ex and I were on good terms, hes level headed and he seems to handle her better then myself. He is aware of how she treats me but he never really gives me advice. I REALLY dont want him involved in whats happened the past few days unless I have no other choice, which I might... Im seriously thinking of letting him take custody of her. I really dont want that either tho?

I just want her to have some respect for me. I have no idea where I went wrong with her. Her lil brother totally opposite from her. Dont get me wrong ,hes no angel, but he respects me. He would never tell me he hates me or disrespect me like that..

[socks1w]

Well dont force her to go to counceling.Then she will really be mad.

[Ipso Fracto Man]

There's a big difference between individual therapy and family counseling. The focus of the latter is to have someone help you work out your differences to everyone's satisfaction without pointing the finger of blame at any one person. It should be much more palatable to your daughter and yes, I think you should gently but firmly insist that she accompany you.

 

For the record, I have been in family counseling myself and even though I was the reluctant one I found it a painless and helpful experience.

[itsallgrand]

All kids naturally push at their boundaries. It is a very common mistake to let them go too far. Declare yourself the boss and mean it, take control immediately under no uncertain terms, tell your mother that you need to have sole authority over your own children, and get some help with all that in family counseling where both you and your daughter can express your feelings in a controlled setting. Things should then start to get better very soon. Best of luck.

 

Ditto. Ditto. Ditto.

 

I know I gave my mom a run for her money at 13. Girls and their mothers. Add in extra stressors for you, and her, and the family unit in general, and I can see how it could get to this point really easily.

 

Her sense of security was rocked, and now she is dealing with a 'new' parent by way of grandma. Security rocked yet again. Situation needs stabilizing.

 

You need to show her you are strong and still there for her right now. Grandma needs to be put in place.

 

Whatever you do, do not take it personally. She doesn't hate you. You are not horrible.

 

She just really needs you to be strong right now. Show her what it means to be a woman.

 

If you have any motherly guilt about the situation with her dad or the current living situation, it'd be so worth it for you to work that through however you best can.

 

She's going to be throwing her anger on you, because you are the one who is around. Dad left. You didn't. So you get the fall-out, he gets the sweetness.

Why? I'd venture to guess she feels more confident that you won't be hitting her or leaving as he did.

 

Really important: whatever mistakes you feel you have made, it is not okay for her to use this as ammunition against you, but I bet she is/will try.

However, she didn't get a choice in the situation. She is there in part because of your choices and has to deal with it too. Be understanding, supportive, and strong. Give her the chance to express her feelings and work this through: therapy may help to do this. I'm betting she has some very strong feelings she does not know how to work with right now.

 

There is still plenty of hope. This can get back on track. Best wishes.

[onewithbooks]

Bottom line, you are the mom, and I would be afraid to see how your daughter might behave if you dont put your foot down. My parents didnt with my brother and now he has zero ambition and is 28 in big time debt and living at home, and he still doesnt respect mom a lot of the time. Of course I am not saying that this will happen with your daughter. Maybe you could try taking her out for dinner just the two of you. Time that you could listen to what she has to say. Really listen, not talk a whole lot or anything, at least not at first. Once she knows you are listening to her, and she feels that level of respect, she might be more apt to listen to you, and show you that respect. It doesnt have to be anything fancy, maybe just like a weekly frozen yogurt. It would be time together in which you could ask her how she feels about living with your mom, and about life in general. She might not want to talk, but if you keep taking her for your weekly ritual, she might be more apt to open up.

 

My dad and I had loads of problems when I was 13, and to this day, if he had really taken the time to listen to me and vice versa, our relationship would have been a lot better.

 

I hope things get better, just be persistent, and never go a day without telling her how much you love her. (Even when you want to pull her hair out, lol)

[sonjam]

Hi Penny

 

I was a horrible teenager when I was 13, every parent's worst nightmare. My parents also divorced when I was little.

 

It is SO TRUE what Itsallgrand said about her wanting you to take charge and be strong. It is really what she is crying out for, but as a 13 year old she has no idea on how to deal with her feelings of anger and rejection (from her dad). You need to LEARN how to help her deal with it in more positive ways. To do that, you will have to learn a few good parenting strategies. How about attending parenting classes or at least family counciling? I'm not saying you are an incompetent parent, but obviously you guys need some help in dealing with anger issues. I'm not taking her side but she is simply reacting to the situation in the only way she knows how - with anger and resentment

[Penny1041]

I think everyone has some great advice for me here. Thank you so much.. I appreciate it a lot.

I will be looking into counciling and possibly parenting classes. Its painfully obvious that I need some help in raising my kids.. Thanks again.

[southerngirl]

I went through ups and downs majorly with my mom growing up. One thing I would like to say is whatever you do, dont kick her out. She needs you right now no matter how hard she pushes you away.

[sonjam]

I bought a book a long time ago called "Kids parents and power struggles" What a great book, maybe you could start by getting a book like this, and trying some of the suggestions at home for communicating in a more productive way with your child. It works for me, since I don't really have a good frame of reference from when I grew up, the relationship between me and my mom were strained when I was young, and besides she didn't really know what she was doing, she was only a child herself! So today I try getting informed on the best practices, and try to use them raising my own child, and I have to say, it's working wonders in building her self esteem, trust and communication. The biggest plus is putting her in touch of her own emotions, being able to recognise them for what they are, and dealing with them in a productive way!

 

Small example: My little girl was taking a bath and wanted to play with the body wash, squirting it into the bath. I told her no, she cannot play with it. She started crying to get me to give her some, and I still refused. Then with a very sad face, she told me "Im very sad!" I told her "I can see you are very sad because I don't want to give you the soap, but it is very expensive and we cannot waste it all in one day." She turned around and happily found something else to play with in the bath.

 

Small example, dealing with a small child, but later in life this helps you TREMENDOUSLY. It is not too late to start this type of thing with a teenager, you will just have to practice the way of doing it, and be persistent in your approach. Im sure you will do just fine, and communicate better with her in no time.

[Bluepig]

Did your daughter receive any counselling after the abuse she suffered from her father?

I have a 17 year old and at 13 she was a nightmare. I had to call the police out on her a number of times (I worked for the police and it was sooo embarrassing), she also self-harmed. My daughter was also abused by her father and although she seemed to cope well at the time, her anger surfaced much later.

I think she took her anger out on me because I was the one she could trust to take it.

Individual counselling and family therapy were our saviours. She was even on antidepressants for a time, which I was very anxious about, but she was closely monitored and were really to help her get through the stress of counselling. She decided to cut off all contact with her father, much to my relief, we were separated when the abuse was going on and I had no idea what was happening until she told me.

 

She is so different from the girl she was at 13. I am so proud of her.

 

I know that what she is doing is awful, but please try any and every option before giving up custody. Please don't put her back in the hands of her abuser.

[Rosebudd]

I know you are at your wit's end. Just hang in there. It is extremely difficult whenever we face conflict. Perhaps you need to develop something between the two of you. Perhaps, a visit to her dad's house is in order. It is not time for a custody change until things calm down.

 

I have been all through the teen stuff. My own daughter is now 33 and we still have difficulty. I sent her $100 for Christmas because she doesn't work and I thought, since she stays home with their 4 kids, the oldest is 5 years old, that it might be nice for her to have some cash of her own to spend. She decided to have photos taken and sent me a huge one 30"X36", framed. I didn't ask for such. She proceeded to ask me for $50 more dollars to reimburse her husband for the difference between what I sent her and what it cost.

 

I sent the thing to the other grandmother as I have no need nor any place to actually hang up such a creation.

 

I don't get it. She doesn't talk to me for over a year, I give her a gift for Christmas and she sends that and demands I send more cash. Guess it never ends. Guess I also made a serious mistake, AGAIN.

 

I also don't think peace can be made until she decides to allow it.

Maybe in your case also.