Help my boyfriend's family hates me!

[Goodfun88]

Yesterday my boyfriend called me and said he was going to his uncles house and he'd catch me later. I was like catch me later? What the heck does that mean?? I was pissed. So I called him back like 1/2 hour later and he tells me that I'm controlling and that we should spend less time together. I was like what?? Where is all this coming from?? So I finally drag it out of him that him and his mom and his brother got into an argument about me. I should feel so honored!

 

To make a long story short, his mom and brother think that I'm controlling and manipulative. That all I do is follow him around like a puppy dog. That I'm to quiet and I should talk to them more. That he shouldn't settle for the first girl he meets (obviously I'm not the first girl, this guy is almost 30!). That he's never home and never does anything for his mom (he's currently remodeling HER bathroom, not to mention, he's old enough to do what he wants with his time). That he never spends anytime with his brother (his brother just recenly broke with his girlfriend and before that NEVER called my boyfriend to hang out, and still doesn't). That my boyfriend has changed so much since he met me. He got a better job (thats bad right?), sold his car and wants to buy a Ridgeline, has talked about moving out and possibly moving to South Carolina and buying a house. All of this is apparently unacceptable to them. I guess they had other ideas for his life that he was unaware of. My boyfriend got really upset with them and it now really pissed. We worked out the fact that I'm not controlling. It was just frustrating to hear all that, when I've done everything in my power to be nice and friendly with the whole family, well excluding the sister, since once my boyfriend and her got into a fight and she said, "why don't you go hang out with your fat girlfriend", really nice, huh??

 

I've always been kind of quiet around his mom, but I had no idea she thought this way about me. I'm good looking, a little chunky though, I have a college degree, a job, a car, I come from a good family, never been arrested, no children, never married, have very little debt. I'm trying to figure out what's wrong with me. I guess I thought that they would accept me for who I was and that over time, I'd be more comfortable around his mom and we'd start developing our own relationship, but now I'm confused. I don't want to fight and I know this is harder for my boyfriend than it is for me, but I don't know what to do to make it right. I thought of writing her an email and letting her know that i'm sorry we got off on the wrong foot and that I want to know her better and form a relationship with her. But I don't know if its even worth it at this point. I need some serious advice because I don't want this problem to linger and start to eat away at our relationship. ](*,)

[Jayar]

I'm personally the type that will dump a guy who's family doesn't like me. Doesn't happen often, but it did happen once in high school. I don't have a lot of family here, and that's probably why. Remember, when you marry someone (or date) you ARE marrying/dating the family.

 

If you don't really care one way or the other about them and it's just HIS reaction that has you ruffled, well then you have to decide whether you want someone who stands up for you or will you settle for someone who will fight with you just as readily as he bickers with them? Personal decision...

 

Good luck!

[Goodfun88]

Oh I guess I forgot to mention, he did stand up for me and told his mom and his brother that's he's going to be with me and that he loves me. Thanks for the advice Jayar!

[Meow18]

Well, he's 30 years old, so it's a good thing he stood up for you and what he wants!

 

It seems kind of odd that all this stuff would suddenly come up. I mean, it seems like his family just wants to have a reason to not like you so they have to make things up or something. Or maybe they really do feel that way, I don't know.

 

It's never too late to try to set things right with his mother. I mean, think about it, she's always going to be in his life. And you might as well try to get along with her right? I mean, maybe you and her will never click, and maybe you will never be best friends, but you can still respect each other. So why not try to be the bigger person and say something to her about it?

 

So, my advice would be to email his mom and say what you want to say, and definitely be polite in it. I mean, don't go accusing her of hating you and saying rude things about you cause that will only make it worse. But let her know that you would like to start over with her and try to develop a good relationship with her.

[Meow18]

Is your boyfriend still wanting to spend less time with you, or was that just a cover up for what was really bothering him (the fight with his family about you)?

[Goodfun88]

No he doesn't want to spend less time with me, I think a small part of him was actually buying into what they said. I guess its hard to hear from people who love you and that you love that they hate someone else you love. He was confused and frustrated when he said that. I'm trying not to take this personally because I honestly feel that any girl he was with, his mom would think the same thing about. It seems like they just want to keep him for themselves, which strikes me as a bit odd. Oh and I forgot to mention, his dad passed away about 10 years ago, so my bf has been standing in as the man of the house, as far as repairs on the house or her car and stuff like that.

[BellaDonna]

Some familes are just difficult.

 

I thought of writing her an email and letting her know that i'm sorry we got off on the wrong foot and that I want to know her better and form a relationship with her. But I don't know if its even worth it at this point.

 

Instead of making this into an even bigger problem with a lot of hard feelings and resentment, I think your idea about sending his mom an e-mail was a good one- only you should be sure that this would be OK with your boyfriend.

 

Yesterday my boyfriend called me and said he was going to his uncles house and he'd catch me later. I was like catch me later? What the heck does that mean?? I was pissed. So I called him back like 1/2 hour later and he tells me that I'm controlling and that we should spend less time together

 

I hope this does not upset you, but I think it's important if you want me to give you honest advice. I think that there is a chance that you may be a little controlling. I am going by what was in your post here.

 

In a relationship- you need some time apart too. It's ok for him to spend time with his family and friends without you, and vice versa. Calling him back was probably not a good idea. You should have waited for him to call you.

 

This is just my opinion- but I truly feel that when I'm at my family or friend's house- there's nothing more annoying than getting a phone call from a person with and cranky tone of voice asking where I am, when I'll be back, etc. The only thing more annoying would be if I got yet another call a half hour later from the same person. In my marriage my husband and I make it a very important priority to respect one-another's space. I actually encourage him to visit with family without me sometimes.

 

I'm not saying you are a bad GF or that you are doing anything really "wrong"- but if he has told you that you are controlling or even if his family perceives you that way, then there might be an ounce of truth to it. Just take some time to sit back objectively and look at the situation. Ask yourself:

 

*Do I call him a lot?

 

*Do I get mad when he does things without me?

 

*Do I feel that he should give up things and people to be with me?

 

I guess what I'm saying is, he may have a controlling family- but try not to be a controlling GF on top of it. It will just make it so much worse for him and eventually he'll grow tired of it.

 

Don't get me wrong- I do think you need to stand up for yourself- don't let his family try to change you, put you down, talk bad about you, or make you feel bad about who you are.

 

since once my boyfriend and her got into a fight and she said, "why don't you go hang out with your fat girlfriend", really nice, huh??

 

That's just immature and ridiculous of his sister. Don't ever stoop to her level.

 

You sound like a catch! Be proud of who you are. Just be sure that in the process you do not suffocate your boyfriend. It sounds like he has enough drama with his family. Be the bigger person. Be sure to give him his space. Stand up for yourself, but do so with class.

 

BellaDonna

[Goodfun88]

Amuse, thank you for the insight, its just that this is a person I see myself having a future with. And I know that his mom will always be an important part of his life, so just to make it easier, I'd like for her not to think I'm the spawn of satan. I've never had such a problem in my life, and I've never met anyone who didn't like me, or at least who didn't like me so much that had to yell and scream and make a scene about it. I agree with you though amuse, its jealousy.

[Goodfun88]

Bella Donna, I agree with you to some extent, but I was irritated because we had made plans to hang out at the time he decided to go to his uncles. I have no problem with him doing his own thing, but not blowing me off to do his own thing, thats why I called back, because I knew that something must be up, since that is not his normal behavior. Thank you for the advice though!

[Goodfun88]

Oh and I forgot to mention, I told my boyfriend I would fix it, and that I'd email her and try to work something out, he thought it was a great idea, and was surprised that I would do that after everything he told me they said. He just said he'd like to proof read it first.

[Goodfun88]

Thank you amuse, I appreciate the kind words and the sound advice!

[candy604]

nothing is wrong with you, you sound like a good catch! anyway his mom's and bro's opinions are wrong and illogical. his mom might have a tough time seeing her son leaving and starting a life ( not his mom taking care of him anymore, but another women). or his sister could find you inferior ( especially if your doing well etc..- could be competition).

 

But anyway, I learn that parents always want to be greeted and you can ask simply questions like how was your day, or can i help you with something?

 

Keep at it though, keep positive.