I need to turn myself arround

[fredv3b]

I don't know where to begin. When I first started writing this (several weeks ago) I had nearly hit 'rock bottom' emotionally speaking. It was the second worst I have ever persistently felt in my life. (The worst time, some years ago, I was heading towards suicide and I really don't want to go there again.) One night, whilst surfing the web partly to distract myself from my feelings, partly to try and find some wisdom and comfort I stumbled accross this forum. I read a lot of past posts and I've seen a lot of good advice and support so I was hoping someone might be able to give me some.

 

I suspect that the above has left you totally confused, well that's what my thinking is like at the moment. Anyway I can only explain where I am now by giving you the history. I apologise for the length but I am not good at short stories.

 

I first recognised that I was definitely gay at age 13 or 14. It was strange, I had never suspected it before. I now see that this must have been not so much realisation but collapse of my denial. I now understand denial of a sort has plagued me since. There then followed the 4 or 5 worst years of my life. I could not handle the fact that I was gay not even slightly, although I could not deny to myself the fact that I was gay. I ignored it and everything that it meant as much as I could. I get in the impression that school is generally an unhappy place for lesbian and gay kids. Not for me it wasn't, in my schoolwork I could separate myself from being gay and all the unhappiness it was causing me. In my scholastic success I felt valued, worth something, as a gay teenager I reckoned I would be seen as beneath contempt (if anyone ever found out). In honesty that is probably how I felt about myself. I didn't have much of a social life, first it would take me away from my school work: the one part of my life that I felt valued and that I valued myself, and second it would cause me to at least think about trying to deal with the fact that I was gay. I wasn't ready even to do that.

 

However at age 18 I went off to university A and had the best 3 years of my life. It was a totally different environment, I had the freedom to be who I chose to be. It was there that I discovered that my situation and inability do anything about it was really do to with me and not the very 'small c' conservative social environment in which I lived had. I was not ready to seriously think about coming out, although I was by then able to wishfully think how wonderful it would be to be out and have a fulfilling relationship etc. However I could not even begin to really consider how I might actually manage to utter the words 'I'm gay!' I had in short had a lot of growing up still to do, that I had put off during my unhappy school days. For those 3 years I simply concentrated on being happy and doing what I wanted to do. I had a great time and did many fun things and drank huge amounts of alcohol. What I did not do was make much/any progress on dealing with being gay. There was an LGBT society there but I did not join it, it would force me to deal with uncomfortable truths, and I was far too busy enjoying myself. The fact that I was single then did not bother me, I was truly happy then I didn't need anyone apart from my friends.

 

I was on a split course between two universities so after 3 years at one I moved to spend 3 years at university B. It was only then at age 21 did I start to think about how to deal with being gay. (Please note I do mean start to think about dealing with it, not start to deal with it.) University B was in a big city so in theory might have been in a better place to come out etc. and maybe meet some gay friends. However I was always able to find a way of getting out of forcing myself do something about it. You see everyone thinks that I am very self-disciplined, this is not the case at all, I am very good at fulfilling peoples expectations. People expect me to work hard for long hours etc. I can do that. People do not expect me to come out and tell them I am gay and I have thus far failed utterly in forcing myself to do it.

 

I now have reached the age of 26. I have a responsible job, I am I suppose what one would call a well respected person. I have a collection of straight friends. Nobody knows I am gay and I have never had a relationship. (Actually I suspect that some of my friends suspect I am gay, but I know they are too polite to say anything). For the past year I have felt progressively lonelier. I long for someone to care about and someone to hold. I have this dream about finding Mr Right and settling down and being happy, but I know that that is impossible unless I manage to work through my own issues. I have just moved back to university A to spend a year working for it, so 5 years after I left basically no one knows me so I have a chance to start afresh. I have totally wasted so many chances to get my personal life on tract that I do not want to waste this one, and I am very scared that it what I am about to do AGAIN. In fact I had started down that route having mostly written this message and then found ways of allowing myself to put off posting it, it was only reading FoxLocke's posting about his last 12 months that reminded me that I really need to make this year a year of change for myself. I feel so pathetic that I am able to achieve what I want in my career but not the slightest thing in my personal life. I know that fundamentally I need to make changes in me. I know that no one can do that for me. I also know that having failed before I need all the support and advice I can get, maybe from someone who has been through something similar and come out the other side.

 

I would appreciate your thoughts in general on the above and also on my plan for change but most importantly on ways to stop myself backing out of it. I think I know what I have got to do, but I am not sure practically how to do it or how to make myself to it. Here is what I think I need to do (but not necessarily in the order I have written them in).

 

1. Accept that it going to be hard for me and I will not enjoy it at the time but it has to be done and I want to do it and that it will be worth it in the end.

2. In university A admit I am gay if asked directly by anyone, no more denial. Need not announce to everyone straight away.

3. Come out to someone. I think if I could to it to one person I could prove to myself that it is not as bad as I fear then it would be easier with others. I needn't tell them the whole above sorry story, I don't think I could to that but just let them know I am gay. I would need to choose the person very carefully. I think if it went wrong I would be set so far back. Also I would have to be confident that they wouldn't tell a soul otherwise I don't think I would be able to pluck up the courage.

4. Come out to my parents. I know they have to know in the end, I know they would certainly be hurt if they found out through a third party or by accident. They are the only people who may well get hurt that I really care about. Once they know I only have to worry about me. I know it should really be done face to face but I don't think I could do it. Especially as they live 300 miles from me its not as if I will be seeing that much of them. So I was wondering would doing it by letter would be OK or totally inappropriate and hurtful? Especially as I could carefully workout what I wanted to say in peace and I would only have to hold my nerve long enough to physically post it, then it would be too late for second thoughts.

5. Come out to my friends. (As I said earlier I suspect some of them suspect anyway). I know that for most of them it would be no big deal. I don't think any of them would understand why dealing with my sexuality has been such 'a tall mountain to climb' for me. Not that I can explain it wither when logically it shouldn't be and why I feel so utterly pathetic.

6. Meet someone 'with view to relationship'. I am really lonely at the moment in part because there is no one I could talk to about how I feel. Even when I manage to come out to my friends I don't really think I could talk to them about how I feel because as I said I don't think they'd understand. I have actually tried internet dating this past year. Not a success! I have been very picky, had one date which was a disaster, wanted to get out after less than five minutes. His profile was vague and I in my unhappiness had read into it all that I wanted, he was totally different. Do you think I should lower my standards or stick with my instinct when I see guy's profiles. Or do you think that I should give the whole thing a miss until I have sorted myself out? Half the reason that I keep paying the money is that it is a sort of light at the end of the tunnel for me, a reminder of where I ultimately want to be.

 

I await your thoughts. Please do not give me the 'soft version'. I have been doing that to myself all my life and this is where it has got me, that being said please try not to totally destroy what remains of my personal self esteem because I think I am going to need it ;o)

[skittle]

Hey there.

 

There is no shame in your sexuality, or any feelings you have. None at all.

 

1. Your parents. Don't write a letter and send it to them, instead write a letter/ bullet points of what you want to say, and ring your mum, read it to her, that way she (and your dad) will have the opertunity to talk to you , and you don't have to physically tell them face to face. That make sense? If it doesn't tell me and I'll try again!

2. Your friends. If they are good enough friends, they will stick by you, if they desert you, they don't deserve your friendship. Try telling them in a more subtle way. eg. invite a group of them to a gay club (that's such a horrible phrase), then that way you don't have to actually TELL them, you're just letting them know.

3. You just "came out" to someone, a whole group of us, you don't even know us! And we're not judging you, we think it's fine, it's better than fine, it's you.

4. Meeting someone new. This could be the hardest, or the easiest! Try visiting another city, go to some clubs and no-one will know you, so if you mess up it doesn't matter and if it goes great then problem solved!

 

Good luck and lots of love! x

[BellaDonna]

Hi there. I think you need to make some friends in the gay community so that you can have the support of people that have already been through this tough process that you are describing. Your university may even have a support group for gay students. (The university I work in has one- they also publish a monthly newsletter which is distributed to the entire campus).

 

Perhaps it would be easiest to first come out to your friends. As you mentioned, some of them may already suspect it anyways.

 

Of everything you listed in your post- coming out to your family may be the hardest part. How do you think your parents will react? Are they very conservative?

 

BellaDonna

[fredv3b]

Several points to reply to now that I've had a bit of time to mull over what Skittle and BellaDonna wrote.

 

I am not ashamed of my sexuality, nor of any other of my feelings (although I used to be). I am ashamed (sort of) by the state of my life, which is why I need to get myself sorted out (whatever that turns out to mean).

 

My parents are not 'very conservative' as such. My father might even be considered vaguely liberal for his age (mid 70s, feel free to do the math ;o). My mother likes to think of herself as liberal, but she isn't really. But to be honest I really have very little idea how they would deal with their only child being gay. I don't know how they would react other than they would not disown me.

 

I agree writting to my parents is a bad idea, now that I have had time to reflect on it. Telephone may be the best option, practically speaking, but I really don't think that I am upto it at the moment. So I have decided to put coming out to them on hold for the moment. Given the fact that they don't actually know my friends or anyone else in my area I think the chances of them being told by someone in the next 12 or 18 months is slim, so I can afford to give myself a bit of time on that one.

 

Not sure about coming out to my friends in a subtle way. Inviting them to a gay club would certainly not count as subtle as I very rarely go clubbing anyway and most of them are likewise. Coming out to the readers of this forum does not really count as I have no idea who you really are and you who I am, and I and you would never know if our paths were to cross. (But your support is appreciated). I have made a decision, sometime before Christmas most of my close friends will be visting me for a Housewarming weekend and I will just TELL them, no matter how much Dutch Courage it takes. As preparation I am going to tell a different friend first, he's not a close friend but he's a pretty level headed guy so he is going to be my trial run. (I also decided to tell you all this to try and stop myself chickening out).

 

BellaDonna, I suspect you are right I do need some friends in the gay community. Not sure about getting it from within the university though as some of the students that I teach may be part of it, not sure I could really ever be comfortable with that. Also I am supposed to be a role model for them generally (i.e. not just GLB ones) as a successful well adjusted professional not the complete head case that I am.

[BellaDonna]

BellaDonna, I suspect you are right I do need some friends in the gay community. Not sure about getting it from within the university though as some of the students that I teach may be part of it, not sure I could really ever be comfortable with that. Also I am supposed to be a role model for them generally (i.e. not just GLB ones) as a successful well adjusted professional not the complete head case that I am.

 

The club on my campus is actually comprised of both students, faculty, and anyone else interested in advocacy- though I can understand that you may not want aspects of your personal life to be made salient at work.

 

BellaDonna

[fredv3b]

I’ve recently realised that its now over two years since I wrote my original posting. A lot has happened in those two years, far more than in the years before, so I thought that I would let you all know about it. In part this is because I promised myself that I would eventually post an update. I promise it won’t be quite as long as my original post!

 

Well after a few weeks back at University A I just plucked up the courage still not sure how and came out on facebook. I just changed the ‘interested in’ section from blank to men (I had carefully put the few members of my family who are on facebook into the ‘limited profile’ section). It was fine. It really was, I was stunned. Admittedly, initially I was quite uncomfortable whenever conversation would turn to boyfriends/girlfriends/relationships but that faded. As far as I can remember I didn’t get one negative comment to my face, although a few people were a bit cooler towards me and I dare say stuff was said in private. Even though I can’t really imagine a more tolerant place in Britain (apart from a Hippie commune) I was still impressed. Proof if proof were needed that my fears were worse than reality.

 

I didn’t make any attempt to come out to my parents at that point. I just enjoyed life being that bit more open. I continued internet dating, I met one guy who I was actually pretty interested in but he wasn’t that interested in me and nothing ever happened beyond a few dates. I was actually quite cut up at the time but I coped. By this point I was so much better in myself than when I made that original posting.

 

The job at University A was only for 1 year, finding another job after it proved very tough. I eventually found one 400 miles away. I didn’t really want to take it as it wasn’t really what I wanted and certainly not where I had any desire to live, but I have to keep a roof over my head etc. However every cloud has a silver lining.

 

About a month or so after moving there I got a message through an internet dating service from a guy called Chris. He sounded quite interesting and we started chatting. A few weeks later we met up for a date. It was really wonderful to meet someone who was genuinely interested in me (not merely desperate). It was a fantastic success I had reckoned we would spend two may be three hours together, all told it was closer to seven. We had our second date as soon as we possibly could and kissed goodnight. I was in heaven. Very soon we were boyfriends.

 

I had always argued to myself that whilst I was single it was a bit academic whether I was straight or gay, that was in part how I justified not coming out to my parents. But now I had a proper boyfriend I knew I really had to tell them. So one day when they came to visit me I just told them. It was one of the most difficult things I have ever had to do, I was just so in love with Chris, that I knew it had to be done. All things considered my parents took it very well being their only son I am sure it was especially tough on them and I don’t my mother cried quite a bit that night. But a few days later they seemed OK on the phone. A few weeks later I introduced them to Chris, it was a pretty scary experience but they seemed to like him.

 

In two years so much has changed. I am now out to everybody (apart from a few members of extended family) including my parents. There is no longer part of me that hates myself. I have a fantastic boyfriend who I love very much and I know he feels the same about me. We are now approaching our one year anniversary and plan to live together as soon as we can get jobs that are close enough together to allow it.

[pianoguy]

That's great Fred! I laughed a bit when I saw that you came out on facebook... I did the same thing.

[BellaDonna]

Hi. Welcome back and thanks so much for the update! I'm happy to hear that things are going well for you. I think others on this site will be inspired by your story.

 

Cheers,

 

BellaDonna

[chiefoptimizer]

OMG, this is a beautiful story now that you've posted the update. I read the OP, not noticing the date, and was about to say it's a lot like me in 8 years or so, lol.

 

I'm glad it all worked out so well for you, it means there's still hope for people like me!

 

It's so much easier to accept being gay and to be open about it after you've told the first few people isn't it? The first one is always the hardest...

 

not sure about the parents thing tho...they did say once that they'd want me dead if i turned out gay, lol, so they're gonna have to find out on their own...

[fredv3b]

That's great Fred! I laughed a bit when I saw that you came out on facebook... I did the same thing.

 

I wonder how many people have used facebook as a way of coming out?

 

I'm glad it all worked out so well for you, it means there's still hope for people like me!

 

You're only 21 so am sure there is hope for your yet In any case you are in Manchester which is hardly the worst place in the world from the gay perspective.

 

Good Luck

[chiefoptimizer]

I wonder how many people have used facebook as a way of coming out?

 

i'm out on fbook, and thus new friends i add will be able to find out if they look it up, but originally, when I came out on fbook, the people on there were the ones i trusted already, and most of them already knew i'm gay.

 

You're only 21 so am sure there is hope for your yet In any case you are in Manchester which is hardly the worst place in the world from the gay perspective.

 

Good Luck

 

thanks...turns out, the place you're at is not the only factor - if you've got issues in your head, even in manchester you can go three years without meeting any lgbt people...i only started going to the uni lgbt events last may.

 

got an lgbt pub crawl tonight that i'm looking forwards to now! woohoo!!

[fredv3b]

thanks...turns out, the place you're at is not the only factor - if you've got issues in your head, even in manchester you can go three years without meeting any lgbt people...i only started going to the uni lgbt events last may.

 

Trust me I know what you mean. Been there, haven't done that as it were.

 

got an lgbt pub crawl tonight that i'm looking forwards to now! woohoo!!

 

Judging by the calendar it must be near enough fresher's week, so just remember there will likely be some impressionable young lads and lasses.

 

Have Fun

[chiefoptimizer]

Judging by the calendar it must be near enough fresher's week, so just remember there will likely be some impressionable young lads and lasses.

 

what do you mean impressionable? already been...went alright until THAT GUY came in, and god only knows why my mood plumeted when i lost him in the crowd...