Total relapse, trying to forget the ex and the betrayal

[Fisch]

I dont mean to be uninspiring but last night was one of the worst nights of my life. It has been over a month since my girlfriend of 1.5 years cheated on me and left me for an old boyfriend and has treated me like I didnt exist since the day she did it.

 

I saw her for the first time in person since before the breakup yesterday (she did it over the phone). It shook me a lot more than I thought it would. I went out drinking with some friends and I slowly got more and more depressed. I walked home alone because I didnt want anybody to see me in distress, and being a little drunk, idiotically let myself look at her myspace page. One of her friends from back home had written that she heard she had rekindled an old love interest and that she and this other girl always knew they were always right about them.

 

What the heck was she doing telling me how much she loved me every day than?! How can another human being be that deceitful? How could she just do it without any rocky time, without any time for me to respond, without an explanation or sympathy?

 

She rekindled an old love interest with my heart in the fire! It was like she went home for the summer, 3 days before she broke up with me she said she loved me and was coming to visit me for the weekend and was so excited, and then bam! As if the second she realized he would take her back she didnt love me anymore or something! I am just so confused and hurting, I really dont know what just happened.

 

I just dont understand how she brought herself to do something like this after all we went through. I just feel so used. None of the people around her are going to take 2 seconds to think about what she did, because I dont think she will ever really tell them. They will never realize the nature of the relationship we had and how messed up what she did really was.

 

And yet last night I was hitting the wall with my fists to take the pain away from my heart. My night was just pure nightmares. I couldnt escape the pain even in sleep. I was doing well, but last night was just too much, I just didnt want to feel anything anymore. At this point in healing I really just wish it all away, pure regrets. I just dont know what to do with these emotions any more, it hurts so much both what she did and how she is just sitting there happily with everyone in the dark. I just want to let go so I dont have this making me feel so worthless. Thanks for letting me rant.

[rose2summer]

Fisch,

 

This woman cheated on you,

 

Dragged and stomped on your heart,

 

You really cannot contact her again,

 

It will just keep opening up wounds,

 

She isn't worth your time or efforts or thoughts,

 

She clearly wasn't that into you if she was off with another man,

 

You deserve a woman who can treat you like you're her world,

 

She did use you and you need to stop looking at her myspace,

 

It's going to hurt you more than help you,

 

Try focusing on something fun like go to the movies, beach, anywhere possible,

 

Avoid thinking about her, and whenever you do, write a journal entry,

 

So you can jolt yourself back into focus,

 

Hugs,

 

Rose

[Fisch]

I know, it was a slipup. Its just that, here at college she is in everything and we have mutual friends you know? It just hurts so much sometimes that I cannot focus on anything and I just feel like dying because I am so torn between anger and sadness. On top of that are feelings of worthlessness because I feel so used and stupid.

[Deputyrandee]

It is okay to cry, I believe that it always makes you feel better. But just dont dwell too much in it. Keep yourself busy physically and emotionally, take up a new hobbie, go to the gym, lift weights these are all good ways to channel your anger, frustration and heartbreak. Do not look at anything that reminds you of her such as her myspace account, if you do, prepare yourself to repeat your pain over and over.

[GottaLetItBurn]

DUde omg, I hope you come back to this thread and get to see my comment on your situation. I just made a thread a couple days ago with out explaining that what happened to me a year ago is practically the same thing your going through.

 

Guess what???? I just saw this girls myspace and I see she is single, that means the guy that she just threw me in the garbage for because he wanted her back, cheated on her once again and now it is over.

 

She got what was coming to her, she looks so depressed. I promiss you, 99.9 percent it wont work out. It didnt work the first time it wont work the second time. Trust me.

 

This girl did what your girl did to you, and acted like she did nothing. I couldnt believe it either that she was going around with everyone not knowing how bad she left me for dead practically.

 

Now her heart is broken once again, and she took for granted me, the one guy who was there for her and cared for her and asked for nothing in return. She messed up. This girl messed it up with you.

 

I had the nighmares, the emotion shredding of my soul, the raw pain. I can tell you though, give it time, she will get hers.

 

Worst case for you, she gets married to this guy and is unhappy for a long time and divorce. Why?? Because we all mature, realize what we really want.

 

She will and see she messed up, long after you have healed. Keep you head up, she will get hers.

[Fisch]

Gottaletitburn Gottaletitburn Gottaletitburn,

You seem to indeed to be under influence from the same emotions. But my situation is much weirder. My ex said that she has been in love with this guy for 6 years and that she was just "repressing" her emotions for him. Furthermore, when I talked to her she said that she didnt think that she had "really cheated" because he kissed her... and in despite of the fact that she never told me about her feelings or hinted at them, and was obviously more than just a friend with this guy and told me otherwise, and decided to hang out with this guy at poetry readings coffee shops and at his house when she knew she had repressed feelings for him. After all that she really just stayed away, not a peep, not a how are you, no explanation just I dont want to talk about it. When we did talk next she was totally cold. Nobody really understands what happened and it seems like a very shocking strange thing for a person to do. So I really doubt I will ever get any kind of satisfaction from the future, or that she will ever feel what I want her to. I have little hope for relationship karma in this situation for whatever reason. But I am feeling much better today

[moonflowers]

... wow, you had a rough day. *hugs*

 

I can kind of understand what you mean when you say that nobody will understand what really happened. My ex also never talked about the breakup with his friends; in fact, he faked so well that the people who were in lab with him for several hours a week during the quarter right after our breakup had NO clue that we weren't together anymore.

 

But justice will be done. The truth will out. Your friends will stick up for you, and when people find out what really happened, they'll most likely sympathize with you, since you were completely ill used.

 

Here's my personal example. I had a friend of mine tell me a few days ago that she'd been chatting with someone who was friends with my ex but only an acquaintance of mine. The other person was not only surprised to find out my ex has a new girl, she was even MORE surprised to find out that it was my ex who had dumped me. She'd been under the (false) impression that my ex had loved me even more than I'd loved him, but my friend set her straight and told her how hurt I was after the breakup. The other person ended up feeling much more sorry for me, and wondering how on earth my ex, who was her friend, could move on so quickly and heartlessly. A bittersweet victory, but the truth always wins.

[Fisch]

Hey moonflowers,

Thanks for your response. I guess little things like that have happened, and a bittersweet victory indeed because I really just want her to understand what she did and who she is. I was talking to some people that are her friends from back home last night at a party, and they really painted a different image of her. Whatever though, just have to let go I suppose.

[Scout]

Wait a sec here. Fisch, I just went back to your very first thread. Originally, you broke up with her because you weren't sure of your feelings for her...correct? She was pressing you for an answer on this, and your answer was essentially to break up with her...right?

 

I'm just trying to make sense of what has happened here, because for a long time, I was under the impression that your relationship with each other was hunky dory until she started spending time with a guy she used to care about and then broke up with you for him.

 

But...now that I know that there is break up history before that...I can kind of see why maybe she closed herself off to you after you two got back together.

 

I'm not saying it's right what she did...two wrongs never make a right...but the sad fact is, when a dumper takes us back, we may be overjoyed, but we never forget the pain of being dumped. And if those issues aren't fully resolved, there is a large element of distrust that still lies there, and makes us more open to, well, keeping our options open. And as awful as it sounds, maybe there's a tiny part of us thinking, "Well, he/she put me through a lot of pain once, so I'm giving them some of that back."

 

Am I way off base here? Please forgive me if I am. I'm not saying it's wrong for you to have these feelings, I entirely sympathize with your pain. I'm just suggesting you don't leave some important things out of the equation, because you are chalking this girl up to be completely heartless, when it's clear there was a time in your relationship where she really wanted to be with you, but your feelings weren't so strong.

[Fisch]

Hey Scout,

Thanks for chiming in. I understand where you are coming from, and have thought about that a lot. Thought about how maybe the nature of our relationship maybe changed big time after we got back together the second time for the worse or maybe there was a time bomb set at that moment. I wish that were true really, then I wouldnt feel so D*** used. But everything says that that isnt it. Our relationship improved so much after we got back together, it was a little shaky at first and then it blossomed. We just stopped fighting and were really able to communicate, and she told me repeatedly how much better things were and how it was always the way she wanted it to be.

 

All I could think of was how right I was about thinking that the events around (and way) our relationship started just spoiled what could be a great relationship.

 

Furthermore, even though she was angry we put our feelings out in the open. I was never dishonest with her, I was just unsure of myself and I went through hell when I broke up with her. Not to mention that she had actually broken up with me for a few days earlier in the summer first... To put it simply I really think that we resolved all of our issues. One of the main things that makes me think this, is because she really has a track record for being dishonest that I thought didnt run so deep. And all of her friends that I am now meeting are painting an image of her that makes her actions not so suprising.

 

Either way, I always treated her with respect and was always honest, I never cheated on her or dropped her out of my life like I didnt care, and I never became more than friends with anybody behind her back. What you are saying doesnt really matter beyond that, she didnt just lose her feelings for me and like cool it off, she cheated on me lied to my face about it, she said that she was in love with this guy for 6 years and that she repressed her feelings for him! Even if she had resentment (which I dont really believe) I for one dont think it excuses her actions.

 

As far as I am concerned she betrayed me the second she asked for a serious relationship when I was not #1 in her heart. I dont believe that anybody deserves to be some fill in, until you can hunt down the person you really want to be until they take you. For good measure here is the message that was left on her myspace by a friend about the guy:

hey (my ex) i saw (him) in the caf & i was like, so i hear you rekindled old flames or something, it was so cute ha. old crushes never die- i guess me&sara had it right all along.

 

Whatever though, I cant explain the way it was all that well, I dont regret breaking up with her when I did. Things were wrong and I thought that we got through a lot after that. I wouldnt blame her for falling out of love for me but I feel betrayed as a person, that is not something I ever would have done to her. And in the end she was always the kind of person that runs from a conflict until she has no other way out, so the way she has handled this is not beyond explanation.

[Scout]

Yeah, if you two really gave the relationship a fresh start and you thought your issues were sorted out, and everything was going better than ever...I completely understand your pain and anger.

 

I wish I could tell you the anger phase is a one-time deal, but I've found it comes and goes for a while. On the other hand, you will feel peace of mind eventually, but these things take time...a lot of thinking...more time...and so on.

 

You've got our support here, too, friend. ((HUGS))

[Fisch]

Thanks a bunch Scout.

I feel like, in the end I dont really care what other people think about her so much. I care more about what she thinks on the matter. I dont know exactly why but I want there to be some justification, what makes me angry is that there is not.