Some thoughts and some questions....

[hjc]

OK. I've now been doing NC for around a month (give or take) and I think I've experienced enough of the emotions to post. No idea whether any of this resonates, makes sense or is anything more than a rant..what the hell, here goes...something might help someone and if nothing helps anyone then its been cathartic for me.

 

1. Moodswings

I have never felt this bad about life. The current situation is making me swing from Mr Cheery (genuinely) to Mr Very Sad. It can happen at a moment's notice and I can't explain any of it. But I am getting to recognise when Mr Very Sad is about to check-in to my head and that helps me deal with it. I know that there is no (external) logic to when I feel sad...I just do. Sometimes crying is the way forward, sometimes stifling it is. But whatever, I know it is there....so I have to accept it and deal with it.

 

2. Imagination

My worst enemy. My imagination is thinking too much. I am imagining her having fun, doing stuff, sleeping with other men etc. It really messes me up...but I also know that no-one else can see what I can see and so it can't be real.

 

3. NC is tough..really tough

I've had one huge breakup before and I made all the classic begging/contact mistakes. I had a horrible time...but I got through it. This time round, I love the girl that's gone so much more and the relationship we had was so much better than that with my first ex. So I'm measuring the quality of my recent relationship by the pain. It was awesome and now I am suffering for it. That said, if we get back together I know it will be awesome...and if we don't I have a benchmark...

 

4. I want her to contact me/I don't want her to contact me

I started NC without telling her...I just did it. Now a few weeks later I bizarrely want her to call me and tell me she's missing me...but I also know that I can't deal with that. Why isn't she calling to tell me she wants to get back? Thank God she isn't trying to meet up; I couldn't cope.

 

My brain wants both..and I know that this means I am not ready to meet up with her or contact her.

 

Of course I am doing that thing that says "out of sight; out of mind" so I "know" (for which read "assume") she's forgotten me already.

 

God I'm an idiot!!

 

5. How long does NC have to last?

A question we all want answered. I have read people post that 3 months is enough..others think longer. So what do I think? No idea and there is no benchmark you can use; it might take years, it might take weeks. Above all, ignore those posts that say "we broke up last month and then I did NC for half an hour and we hooked up again". Yes it might have happened but there's no logic that Brenda+Fred hooked up again after X weeks and thereforeeee you have the same timetable..

 

That said, I am desperate for NC to show some signs of working....

 

6. Ex-ex issues

I had a nasty breakup a few years back. SUffered all the stuff I'm going through now. Of course I stuffed everything up by being needy, begging and generally showing her that I was still there for her....so eventually we lost contact and I moved on (to where i was before this breakup).

 

In short she left me with no warning and the joint holiday to Australia for 5 weeks became a solo misison with 1 week's notice. Fun but lots of loneliness....

 

Anyway, we failed to get back togehter and I know that this was for the best. My recent ex blew my ex-ex out of the water in every department so I have seen the light.

 

But all the emotions I am going through remind me of my ex-ex at times. And I wonder whether I should try to contact her to try to be friends. I haven't forgotten the fact she dumped me and almost certainly cheated and handled everything badly but I'm getting flashbacks....

 

Should I contact her? I genuinely don't want to be in a relationship with her; I see her as one Olympic bronze medal when what i have just come from is 50 gold medals.. That said I am curious....

 

7. Dating

My ex is stunning (no really!) and is almost certainly inundated with offers. She had a huge head-start on me, in that she checked out (with hindsight) weeks ago. So I'm behind the curve in terms of getting over "us". I don't feel ready to date but htink it might help....but am I ready? Scared of waitign too long (and thereforeeee not moving on) vs going for it now (and stuffing it up and being more hurt).

 

[Not expecting an answer to 7; just want to post to clear my head]

 

All the above are just my thoughts...please question, challenge and argue.

 

Thsi forum rocks...

[MewSkitty]

I've only been through one breakup in my life, and I chose NC. I will say it was the worst desition of my life. She did in fact want to stay friends, but by ignoring her she stopped all contact with me. I could have still had her as a friend at least, but I chose NC and I lost her entierly. It's been 1 year and 5 days since we broke up, and I still miss her a lot.

[Imperceptible]

I've only been through one breakup in my life, and I chose NC. I will say it was the worst desition of my life. She did in fact want to stay friends, but by ignoring her she stopped all contact with me. I could have still had her as a friend at least, but I chose NC and I lost her entierly. It's been 1 year and 5 days since we broke up, and I still miss her a lot.

 

Wouldn't you hurt more if you stayed friends with her and listened to her tell you about every guy she dates when you have still have feelings for her?

[MewSkitty]

Wouldn't you hurt more if you stayed friends with her and listened to her tell you about every guy she dates when you have still have feelings for her?

 

My first GF isn't the kind to date other people, she only bearly hung on me because I treated her so well. She just didn't want a BF/GF relationship anymore.

[river dog]

In my current situation, NC was the only thing I could do. It wasn't a game and I had no strict timetable but it got broken accidentally and as it turned out it was "absense makes the heart grow fonder".

 

It's early days, we are not together but it gave her time to miss me, it was also a painful way of establishing a personal boundary that she must not cross again.

 

She didn't try to contact me; she knew she would see me on a weekly basis but each week I wasn't there, she got more worried and wondered.

 

If you think about it, a break-up is NC, unless you want to stay friends or the dumper is weak and checking in on you to assuage their guilt.

 

NC in this context is for you to heal - however long that takes. It is not NC then you contact them again. It's NC, just that. It is not a plan. If you want a plan, then make one and I have many tips but no guarantees.

 

A form of NC is also a recognised tactic in the art of seduction, "drop them cold", "give them a holiday from you", "withdraw", "break a date", "make them jealous". All contrived to make them re-evaluate you.

 

I am not condoning these tactics, that is for another thread, it's just my experience.