The Relapse From Hell

[Majoraslayer]

I want to stop my brain now. My heart relies on it, and the two of them are fighting. Everything in my head knows that my ex treated me like * * * * and cares about no one but herself. She used me, abused me, then threw me to the curb when she found someone else to provide her what she wanted.

 

My heart refuses to see it, and for the past hour or so I've wanted nothing more than to hold her one more time. Just one more chance to talk to her on MSN and tell her that I love her. I want things to go back to the way they were, when I could see her when I wanted and hold as we watched a great movie.

 

Now she does this with someone else, and I feel like a discarded piece of trash. I have no one to love me, no one is attracted to me, and no one to talk to on those long nights after work. There is no one in my life that gives everything meaning. I have no motivation to keep moving anymore; she was my everything. Now I'm unable to see any kind of future beyond tomorrow and perhaps the next day. Its all the same; wake up, go to school, go to work, come home, go to sleep. No one is there to brighten my day or to make me feel special. Its like being a zombie. Any spare time I have is spent either browsing these forums, or browsing the message board on ZeldaPower.

 

I would leave the house and go somewhere to have fun, but in this * * * *ty little town there's no such place to go. Look up Crossville on Google; its the GOLF capital if it tells you anything. Everything here is focused toward the older generations nearing retirement. The others my age that get out to do anything are usually heavily into drinking, drugs, and all kinds of stuff you would see on Jerry Springer. My own life has become a prison; nowhere to go and nothing to do outside of my every day routine.

 

I'd say I'm trying to ask a question, or seek advice......but really its all the same thing over and over again. "You'll get better", "some day you'll find someone special", "find a new hobby", "just go out and meet people", "she wasn't worth it", etc. So this topic is more or less just a self-expression; I need help, but I feel its outside of the scope for advice. I just want to feel loved again, and to have someone I myself can love. Above all, I wish it was Amber and that she was the girl she always pretended to be.

[vandgsmom]

Stop.

 

Go splash cold water on your face.

 

Look at yourself in the mirror and tell youself "Amber really F-ed me over" like 20 times.

 

Splash some more water on your face.

 

Then go hit something (not someone) REALLY hard.

 

Other than that, I have nothing to tell you. You pretty much summed all of the pat, crap advice that I could have thought of in a nutshell...

 

Well, you forgot about the zen sand and rock garden.... You know, pulling that little rake around the rocks really does relax you...

 

We all love you, man! Be strong, life will come around and pick you up again....

[Lady Bugg]

Hang in there Major....Sundays and Holidays always seem MUCH harder than other days.

 

Yes, It's cliche' but it will get better . Whether you believe it or not..you are growing right now.

 

Be strong.

[princess81]

Sounds like you are going through a tuff one today and I am glad you came here vented and didn't give in to the want to be with her and called or msn her pat yourself on the shoulder and even though I don't know you I send you a hug.

[Silentlyfor]

I'm going through a similar time today. I guess this is my mind's way of paying me back for looking at her blog by accident. Oh well.... it does get better... so I've heard. ... I want this to stop.

[joyce1412]

Now she does this with someone else, and I feel like a discarded piece of trash. I have no one to love me, no one is attracted to me, and no one to talk to on those long nights after work. There is no one in my life that gives everything meaning. I have no motivation to keep moving anymore; she was my everything. Now I'm unable to see any kind of future beyond tomorrow and perhaps the next day. Its all the same; wake up, go to school, go to work, come home, go to sleep. No one is there to brighten my day or to make me feel special. Its like being a zombie. Any spare time I have is spent either browsing these forums, or browsing the message board on ZeldaPower.

 

i felt the same way today. in fact, i've felt this way quite a lot recently. i feel insignificant in so many ways. i think this way of feeling is taking root because i'm finally realizing we really won't get back together. before i could kid myself by thinking that my ex would wake up one day and think, "duh! i'm such an idiot! joyce was the best thing that ever happened to me!" and as much as i hate it, i'm realizing that so much of my self-esteem came from what my ex thought of me. i put so much stock in our relationship, so much meaning in his presense in my life. if this weren't the case i know i wouldn't feel so awful.

 

and you might also feel like me in that i feel guilty for wanting a person who treated me so badly...even if it's not all the time, even if it's not logical, i still want him.

 

i just wanted to say that i know how you feel, and also that even though we are on the same plane emotionally, my logical mind tells me that we won't always feel like this. we'll find ways to fulfill ourselves that don't involve our exes, and ideally we'll feel fulfilled without the aid of any boyfriend or girlfriend.

 

have a better day tomorrow.

[Rainz]

Sorry to hear you've been feeling so bad Major. I can relate to your feelings so realise that you're not alone in feeling that way.

 

I myself have been feeling the way you do. I'm just trying my hardest to just keep going forwards. Even though it's often a struggle.

 

Do you drive? Perhaps you can take a drive and go somewhere outside where you live to find things to do? Try your hardest to not let it consume you. ((HUGS))

[joyce1412]

Above all, I wish it was Amber and that she was the girl she always pretended to be.

 

at least you understand that your ex is not the person you thought or hoped she was. it takes some people a long time to realize that. even i forget sometimes what a jerk my ex was...i only want to remember the good times, the cute things. so good for you.

[vandgsmom]

Hey Majoraslayer.... let us know that you made it through the night....

 

(besides I thought you were coming to Kentucky w/us lol)

[bcuzitwasfun]

Hi Major,

 

I was in love with my ex who was also pretending to be somebody that I thought I could be with for the rest of my life. I'm glad that I realize this now, I just hate it took us breaking up for me to figure it out. This thought is the one thought that has helped me get through this. Like joyce said, it took me along time (about 7 months) to realize that. Now I'm realizing that it would have never worked out between us and that our relationship would have ended on a worse note if it had continued.

 

Realizing this has helped me get through this. It has changed my thoughts from "What if I ...", and "What if we...." to "I'm glad I didn't...." and "I'm glad we didn't....". When I finally quit falling down the "depression hole" and hit what I thought was rock bottom, I was able to start climbing out. So far, it has been fun and challenging.

 

I hope your day is a good one!

bcuzitwasfun

[Silentlyfor]

I'm in the same boat right now too. I can't stop thinking about her. I can't stop thinking about her last blog entry and needing to know more. The thing is.... I'm at work and I have no way of distracting myself. What do I do? This is too painful.... I feel like I pissed away nearly 2 months of work for nothing. All that NC down the damn drain.

[Majoraslayer]

Well, just an update for everyone. I made it through the night without breaking NC. Though I did have a rough night waking up every couple of hours from nightmares, working today did manage to help me to get my mind back on track. I think work is more of a chemical thing, as the adrenaline of the exercise it gives me and the brain work it takes to organize things to look perfect gets your blood flowing and your mind wheels cranking. When I get a day off and have nothing productive to do, I start feeling depressed and useless.

 

Basically, I've found a new perspective. Now I've found that my situation is comparable to one of the best video games ever, Super Mario Brothers. Mario and Luigi fought through all kinds of toil and hardship, and each time would end up getting the message "Sorry, but your princess is in another castle". Then the journey would start again, same stages but with different colors, once again ending in that discouraging message. Finally, after all kinds of hell and hardship through 7 other loops of pain, they finally found the princess and won her over.

 

This is just world 3 for me. I have to keep fighting and accept the fact that I have yet to meet my true princess. Its time to leave the castle, and venture forth into a new world just because my one true love may await me at the end.

 

*Editor's Note: Wow. Just....wow, I can't believe I turned SMB into a romance analogy. 1985, eat your heart out.

[vandgsmom]

You are too cute.

[Majoraslayer]

Tell that to all the single girls out there =(

[vandgsmom]

How about one really hot bisexual guy??

[Majoraslayer]

Does he have any cookies?

[Silentlyfor]

Thanks Major. Your perspective brightens my heart.

[Majoraslayer]

I'm glad I could help you out. Thats why I like posting on here; we can all pull through this together.

[LONESOUL]

Majorslayer, I am sorry you are having a hard time. I feel the same way sometimes. I wish things would just be the way they were, but this person, my ex, was not for me, emotionally. I will be better off if I can get through this. So will you. Have you ever thought about moving from that little town you are in, you seem very unhappy there from your posts, and bored. During a break up, is a very bad time to be bored...as you well know. Take good care

Lone

[GottaLetItBurn]

Just wanted you to know I feel your pain. Everyone on here does, your going through something most everyone that comes to this forum has gone through.

 

You will be okay, follow your heart. If you think you need to call her, do it. Cry if you can, it's the only real way to get out some of the pain.

 

Best advice, cry. If you can't do it infront of people go in your room and turn up music. You will be okay, I'm not there yet. I relapsed about 40 times. First after a week, then after two weeks, then I could go a week longer. You will get there too.

 

Try telling your mom or friends about it too. I told my mom a year later why I had been so depressed and she understood so much. Try try try to keep your head up.

[vandgsmom]

ummm. No, he dosen't have cookies.... He does have some really tasty sausage, though...

[Majoraslayer]

Well, I've got an awesome g/f now so I think I'll have to decline.

[vandgsmom]

Awwww.. man.

 

 

TEASE.... lol

[doyathink]

Hey MS, sorry your down in the dumps boy. Cool, you have a new girl, I'm happy for you!

[Majoraslayer]

I'm actually really happy now! Forget about my ex; who needs her? I've moved on, so has she, so I'll let it stay in the past and move on to the future.