Killing Time

[Anna.]

Me and my boyfriend are in a long distance relationship. When we got together I was just getting my life together (getting back in school, quitting partying, etc.) and he has been my biggest fan and best supporter through everything.

 

I've grown up alot and settled down ALOT in the past year. I still go out with my friends and drink sometimes or whatever, but everytime I do I just miss my bf even more, cause I know it would be so much better if he was here. And alot of my friends have been getting married this year, but weddings are the same way, it's all this love and excitement and blah, blah, blah, but once again he's not there to share it with me. It's almost like what's the point in going out or to social events? Cause it just makes me sad that I'm not sharing it all with him.

 

Now don't get me wrong, all this is a small price to pay for the amazing love and the wonderful man that I've found.

The question I'm getting at is:

Does anybody else feel like you've put their social life on hold b/c of an LDR?

And do ya'll ever feel like you're just killin time until you and your SO can be together?

B/c I sure do. I mean I lay in bed ALOT. I watch alot of tv and I'm on here half the time now too ( but that's a good thing

[Daligal83]

Hey Anna! I know how you feel. I've only been in an LDR for a couple weeks, but it's been tough. When I first came back to school I was miserable. All I wanted to do was talk to him. But then I realized that it's going to make this time apart a lot harder if I don't go out and enjoy myself. I've found that the more I try to lead my normal life, the more bearable it is. I mean, I still run out of the bar to talk to my guy whenever he calls, but I can still enjoy my time with my friends. Just remember that the more fun you're having, the faster time goes by.

[Anna.]

^ Well, I did that at the beginning of the relationship, but everytime I'd go out, I'd miss him ridiculously.

On my 21st birthday, I went to a strip club and I got a little tipsy (ok I got VERY tipsy). Anyway, I ended up telling every stripper there (even the guy that gave me a lap dance) that I had a man, but we just can't be together right now and basically my whole life story. This became a theme everytime I went out. I told half the bartenders in town my whole life story

I feel closer to him when I'm at home, either writing to him or when I can talk to him on the phone.

[Daligal83]

How long have you been in the LDR for? It might get easier as you get used to it. Also, maybe if you talk to him right before you go out, you'll be more satisfied and can enjoy yourself more. It's ok to think of him and have him on your mind while you're apart, but you really need to make sure you still can enjoy other activities. I'm sure he wants you to be happy and having fun too!

[Anna.]

We've been together for a year.

[Daligal83]

How much of that year has been long distance?

[Anna.]

All of it.

_______

[Daligal83]

Maybe you should try something new in the relationship so you feel that you have more contact with him, like getting webcams or sending each other care packages. Can you plan a trip to see him soon?

[Batya33]

I think this is a huge sign to you to get a life without him. I for one cannot stand when a woman defines who she is - her accomplishments - by who her "man" is. There is tons of volunteer work to do with your free time, or get a job or socialize. I don't buy that you end up just missing him when you are out - much more likely is that you don't have much going on in your life that is exciting and fulfilling other than him so of course socializing without having him there might be ho hum.

 

Is he doing the same thing you are - just killing time? If he is not you might find that after awhile he is not that interested in hearing about your day if your day is always the same old same old.

 

Take this as a wake up call - there is way more to life than "I have a boyfriend and he is so and so" - make it your goal that the next time you socialize you will not mention him at all (unless someone asks you out on a date) and you have to come up with what you are doing these days, what you are interested in other than him and what is going on with you. Don't use your ldr as an excuse not to be active and get a life.

[Ms. Babydoll]

I think maybe you don't need social events, bring the socializing to your place. You said you feel closer to him at home, well invite some friends around and just catch up on whatever is new. Don't let the sadness you feel when you go out with friends get in the way, you need to still have a bit of fun in your life so maybe just a few friends over would be good for you, it could even become a regular thing.

[monkey1]

Yep, have a life outside of your relationship, LD or not. That's the best way to deal with a LDR is getting out instead of staying at home all the time because you're sad he's not there.

[Anna.]

Thank ya'll. I do have a life outside of the relationship. I still go out sometimes and my friends and come over to my apartment alot and I'm close to my family; it's just like I don't go out every single Friday and Saturday like I used to. And I honestly do not define myself by my relationship with him.

I read back over my original post and I did make it sound more bleak than it is. I'm not sad about it. I am usually a very social person, it's just that now I'm more indifferent about going out. And most of my friends in relationships, too, so when we go out it's a bunch of couples, that's probably why I miss him so much, and cut me some slack I'm still head over heels for him, so I think about him 24/7 regardless of what I'm doing.

I appreciate the advice, but I was just kind of wondering if anybody else in a LDR could relate. Like, I'm impatient and sometimes I just don't want to do anything b/c I'm ready for him to hurry up and get here so we can do all this stuff together.

I was actually frustrated earlier b/c I was supposed to go to a friend's wedding, but I realized there was going to be a person there that I had unresolved conflicts with in the past. So I didn't want to go alone, but I knew if I had my boyfriend here with me (he's from here, too), I wouldn't have been worried about running into this guy. so my train of thought then went to what my OP said.

I know it's probably a dumb issue and I should have explained myself better.

[monkey1]

I appreciate the advice, but I was just kind of wondering if anybody else in a LDR could relate. Like, I'm impatient and sometimes I just don't want to do anything b/c I'm ready for him to hurry up and get here so we can do all this stuff together.

 

I'm sure that a good number of those of us in LDR, say 95% want to know or can't wait till we see our SO. You're not alone. It's very easy to be impatient.

[Ixtapa]

I can totally relate...I also get very impatient to see my boyfriend...especially now that I dont know when will be the next time we will meet (mostly due to financial problems).

Sometimes I would rather sit here at home and chat with him instead of going out with friends. I try to keep a balance between my social life and my time "with" him. I mean, there is no point in forcing yourself to go out every day if you dont feel like it....but its also not healthy to spend all your evenings at home because you want to spend them chatting or talking to your boyfriend. It is certainly not easy to deal with

[Batya33]

All this means (sort of a repeat from what I posted earlier) is that you need to get a life so that you are not dependent on only the people you happen to know (since you are uncomfortable being a "third wheel"). There are many opportunities for internships, volunteer work, or even taking lessons - in french, tennis, swimming - whatever interests you. You have no idea whether he will be in your life next month, next year, etc. If you do want to go out and meet others someday, they will not want to hear that most of what you did other than watch tv, eat and sleep had to do with an ex boyfriend. At least, not men who have diverse interests and are smart and ambitious (of course I am not sure what your type is). Even if you do end up with him, the more independent and self-fulfilled you can be, the better.