My Best Friend Can Be A Doormat

[MollyElise]

Hello!

 

I have been best friends w/ S for about 12 years now, we haven't lived in the same city for 8 or 9 years, but talk almost daily. I love her very much, she is like my sister and the person I trust the most. I have always treated her with respect, as she has me. Most of her other friends and boyfriends though have totally walked all over her, and she lets them for a long time (years) then will finally get sick of it. Well here's the story with her right now, please read and let me know if you can offer any advice.

 

About 2.5 years ago, S was hanging out with this girl, J and her neighbor (man), C alot. Well a couple of times after hanging out all night S and C were intimate, S ended up getting pregnant. S decided to keep the baby, C basically freaked out and MIA during most of the pregnancy. Once the baby, M, was born, a paternity test (at C's request) was performed and it was confirmed that C was the father.

 

For the next year and a half C would come over and visit S&M (haha) 5+ times a week and would play with M and spend time with S. Got to where C&M were telling each other they loved one another, talking about getting a house, getting married, having more kids. The whole schabang. S's family was involved in all this as well as S lives with her entire family in one big house. So all the nieces knew him as uncle charlie, he was over every Sunday for dinner, came to all the family parties, xmas, easter, etc. During this time Summer fell more and more in love with C, though she never trusted him and always felt like he was seeing someone else, though he would totally deny it.

 

Well June comes along this year and he is seriously talking about moving in together, looking at houses, discussing finances, etc. Within a week of having a converstaion like this, C discloses he was dating somebody when they first hooked up, and has continued to date her throughout the pregnancy and the past year and a half. He also informed S that he was moving in with her (N). Uhm... WHAT? So Summer is totally heartbroken. She then forgives him and tries to be friends with him. A few weeks later, she finds out from his mom that C&N are planning on going to Las Vegas the next week to get married. Of course he hadn't said anything to S and again, she's shell shocked.

 

He goes, he gets married. He comes back and is miserable. Starts calling S more frequently (like 5+ times a day) talking about everything, including how he made a mistake and wants to be with S. So S gets all happy and excited, then after a few days notices his actions don't align with his words. Well, he just doesn't know what he wants, he's confused. So S tells him to just leave her alone. He comes back the next day, he can't. Anyways, this cycle goes on back and forth a couple more times. And we are back with him now moving out of his wives house and wanting to talk to S more.

 

She still says she loves the guy and will be with him. She has refused to date anybody else through this whole time, and still won't, even though they've never even been on a date, never been BF&GF or even regular FBs. She just continues to sit there like his little yo-yo waiting until he wants to play, then he drops her right back off.

 

I have tried talking sense into her, it doesn't work. She says she loves him and will make him earn his trust (yeah right, which means actually getting a house probably, then for him to run off I'm sure) but that she just can't give up on him and move on. She admits she wants him for who she thinks he could be and Ive tried getting through her thick skull that she shouldn't do that. I love this girl and she is a WONDERFUL woman, she at least deserves a man that totally loves her and that she can trust. C has shown over and over that he isn't in love with her, he loves her as a person, as the mother of his child, as someone who will put up with him; but he's not romantically in love with her. Obviously, C does not deserve to be trusted.

 

OKAY so this is a bit of a rant. But I just don't know what to do.... I want to help her. I want her to get over this jerk, which is especially hard b/c even if she blows him off, he'll be back around for the baby.

 

Does anyone have any similair experiences? Any advice?

 

These are the types of relationships (both friend and romantic) that S has gotten into over and over. hmmm... I guess it's probably feeding something within her, but argh, I hate seeing her keep herself in this vicious cycle. I just want her to find a nice man who will love her and start a family. Instead she only meets people who want to play games, and she plays right along hoping to win a nice man.

 

Thanks for reading this far! Any stories, advice, insight and thoughts will be appreciated!

[n83]

Honestly, all you can do at this point is support your friend. Be there for her when she needs to talk/vent. It's her choice to decide who she wants to be with, whether or not you approve. You have to understand, she has a child with this man, and that's a difficult bond to "break". Part of her may be wanting to be with him for her child, so they have a "family".. it may sound farfetched but as I went through this myself, I can tell you it's a very real emotion that some women go through when they become pregnant. You suddenly have to make choices that affect not just you, but your child, and those are difficult choices to make. She may be thinking that deep down, it's the best thing to do to try to work things out with her child's dad.

 

Again, just be there for her. Instead of getting so caught up in her choices, realize that she's human and she is going through a tremendously difficult time. She needs your support, not your judgment. Hold your tongue and be a good friend.

[kellbell]

Hey there,

 

Unfortunately there is not much you can do. You cannot tell someone what to do, what decisions to make and so forth. All you can do is lend your advice, be an ear, and a shoulder to cry on.

 

When people are neck deep in a situation, it is very difficult to see the whole picture. You on the other hand, CAN see the entire picture. I know it is hard watching a train wreck happen in slow motion but you cannot hold someone's hand and live his/her life for him/her. What makes this situation more difficult is that they have a child together, they will bound together for life.

 

Your friend, S. is going to have a lot of falls. One day hopefully she will reach her breaking point and will have enough and act accordingly. Until then, her daughter's father is throwing her carrots which makes it harder too. I would keep your distance and just be there for her.

 

Hang in there, I know this is not easy.

[Meow18]

I agree with n83 and Kellbell.

 

I think you are a great friend. You want the best for her and you really do care about her. The only problem is that you can't get through to her. Obviously from the outside it's very clear and obvious that this guy is a jerk and he most likely won't change. But it's not that simple for her.

 

As her friend, you just have to be there for her. You have already told her how you feel and it seems as though she is choosing not to take your advice. What else can you do? You can't do anything more. Nothing you say will get through to her. It's sad, but she's just going to have to learn this the hard way (again.. and maybe even again and again).

 

But once she does realize she made a mistake, she will need you. Please don't tell her "I told you so", just be there as the caring and wonderful friend you are.