Just need a bit of support

[dr_skier]

To make a grossly long story short here we go.

she = 25 (almost 26)

me = 22

She = carrer-teacher

me=student (last year of undergrad)

 

i've felt for a while that we are both at different places in our life. We've been together for over a year and i do love her to death but i just feel like i cant be with her anymore. We've talked about marriage, moving in toghether etc and i hit a wall a few weeks ago and realised that i'm only 22, when i grad next spring i have no idea where i'll go for work (where the money is), i dont know if i want to travel or go work somewhere exotic etc etc. I honestly just had all these things planned out and i instantly felt the walls starting to close in on me. It started i guess when her gf asked her what part of town her and i would like to live in. she's lived with a roomate all year and is now movinig home to safe up money to buy a place. I have told her that marriage and moving in and all that stuff is so far out of my line of sight that i cant even speak about it. At least i thought i did, i guess i'm at fault for not being more clear from an earlier point. I'm taking an above average course load (6 classes) i'm on two comittees, and i work 25hours a week at a restaraunt. You see whenever i've mentioned anything about the future such as moving to alberta (from bc) for work, she's said she'd never go. Whenever i've ever mentioned travelling or anything she said she refuses to do the distance thing and would break up with me. So i came to the conclusion that we are at completley different points in our life and that I need to take some time off to get my head on straight. She is very very upset. She now says that moving away with me isn't out of the question and neither is letting me travel. But why would i want her to do something she dosen't want to do just for me, she'd only end up unhappy. I seriously just feel so sufficated and that some of my hopes and dreams and aspirations are being taken away from me and i'm left to follow her life plan for us. I love her but i need to take a break, i need to figure things out. Better yet I need a break for HER to figure things out and see if she wants to be with someone who isn't ready for this level of committment. I try to ask her if she understands me at all and im not sure she does. I try to explain that some time off is probably better then me graduating, getting scared and jumping on a plane the next day ya know. I dont know what to do, this is the longest relationship i've ever been in. BLAH.

[melrich]

I think your conclusion is spot on, you guys are on totally different pages. If I were you I'd be calling it off and taking the freedom to pursue my dreams.

[dr_skier]

It's actually a horrible situation right now, i started to bring this up (the slowdown part) before she left on a 10day vacation with her gf to newyork. She gave me her car for the time and i have to pick her up from the airport in a couple hours, i offered to pay for a cab and drop her car off at her house but she doesn't want that. I bascially told her everything yesterday, how i felt, what i needed to do and her responses were how i indicated above. She said she feels misled and unloved but ya know who feels misled is me after i listen to her backtrack on subjects that she held such a hard stance. And to her credit she has never "pressured" me into the marriage topic or the moving out topic - so she thinks; but you know as i said i know it's in her head with comments like "such and such would be a great place to live" or "i'd think this is what we should have at our wedding" (a comment that has come up frequently). And i guess i'm at fault as well because i never really opened my eyes to see just how much she had her sights set on the future when sometimes i can't see past my nose. Sigh this is all very confusing yet so simple too. I left my car at her house so i can get out of there once i drop her off. She sent me texts while she was away telling me about the gifts she bought me. I feel like a complete * * * * * * *; i mean i've done some slimey things in my past but it's never hit my gut like this. Part of me thinks i should say i cheated on her, give her a reason to hate me, i just wish it was easier. I wish she could see how taking a break would be good for her to think things through as well.

[dr_skier]

I have one good buddy who says take a break and see how it goes but dont loose her cause finding a good girl who's this attractive and loyal and that i love doesn't happen all the time.

 

Another good buddy says to make it a clean break and not play any 'kind of together games' cause it leaves both people feeling cheated on.

[melrich]

Breaking up is never easy and usually there is at least one person that gets really hurt by it. But that does not mean it is the right thing to do.

 

In so many ways it is more hurtful and damaging to stay in a relationship that your heart and mind are not into.

[melrich]

I would always go for the clean break. "taking a break" really just leaves people hanging on and it rarely solves anything.

 

Sometimes we just meet the right people at the wrong time in our lives.

[dr_skier]

Well for anyone else who's been reading, feel free to chime in (as the title says some words of support are welcomed). I just spoke to my parents who are out of town and both of them agreed with everything and shared similar sentiments, so its nice to know people who are old and wise whose opinions i value share similar views. I'm off to the airport to get her now, this should be a miserable experience, she told me the other day she bought me and my sisters presents from nyc. So i pretty much feel as bout as * * * *ty as i ever have. I am expecting an awful repeating convosation that goes nowhere until she says something like if i leave tonite she never wants to speak to me again; god i'm already choking up now. I guess if life didn't have its ups and down's it'd be a pretty boring existence. I'll update this thread later tonight.

[dr_skier]

god this seems so surreal.

[dr_skier]

Well she threw herself at me and begged her to stay. She physically blocked my exit. I tried to explain things i tried to be clear. She backtracked on everything she's ever said. She begged me not to leave her alone. She asked me to stay just for the night and promised not to say a word but just to be there. I asked her what difference it would make if i would leave then or in the morning. She said that perhaps i'd change my mind. She said that when two people love eachother they help eachother and find a way. She said if I left she never wanted to speak to me or see me again. She said she's wasted the last year and half and that she hates me. I had to pull over to throw up on the way home, though there is no food in my stomach to do that as i havn't eaten today. I second guess myself as i sit here typing wondering if i'm going to be one of those old guys alone looking back saying I had the one and I lost her. I can't live life with regrets though, I cant ignore the way i've felt the way we've argued and the situation both our lives are in. I still love her with all my heart, i doubt that will soon change. Whats the next step here folks, i need some help.

[dr_skier]

well i thought the morning would bing some peace of mind but it hasn't. I thought its supposed to be easier for the person initating the break. I'm a mess.

[NJRon]

The initiator has to deal with all the doubt of "did I do the right thing"... it's not a fun position at all. It's especially hard when you are breaking up based upon just being at different points in your life... it doesn't sound like you had a bad relationship.

[RayKay]

Hey skier,

 

Her actions when you told her you wanted out were along the lines of emotional manipulation - including the blocking your exit and "taking it all back" and putting an ultimatum on you to stay or she will "never talk to you again". I sense that not only do you feel sort of pressured to take the next step when you are not sure, but she has a lost a lot of herself in this relationship too, and while no one enjoys being broken up with, it is pretty clear from those events she really has lost her own sense of what is important to HER to make you "happy" - she tried to be the perfect gf, even if it means telling you what was important is not important now...

 

To me, it sounds like you are on different wavelengths and in very different places in life, and if you genuinely wanted that next step with her, I think you would see that, 22 or not (even if it meant not for a while longer).

 

Of course it is tough, and of course you will also have what ifs....but I think you have to look at what your heart AND mind are telling you, it's very doubtful that you will be lamenting in a few years about letting the "one" go, because you will be doing a lot of maturing, and changing, and in time find someone whom is on your wavelength, and maybe more the one...the one whom you KNOW you want to be with.

[dr_skier]

Raykay you're right, spot on to what i think as well. It hurts so bad though. I drove home from work late tonite and all i wanted to do was pull over at her exit and go to her house and hold her in my arms. Common sense prevailed and i didn't and i know i'll get through this. We're exchanging stuff on sat at some point, i'll make that quick. I really dont want to write her out of my life forever. I know a clean break is the best way and that is what i have done and will stick too. I really hope time away from our relationship puts things in her life into focus as well. I hope i find answers for myself sometime too. I know everything she said the other night was all emotional, and it killed me. Even this morning she sends an email saying what a horrible gf she's been and how she hopes I find someone who can make me as happy as i deserve (more emotional manipulation). I basically ignored them. Truth is I do love her and she is an unblelievable person, but as for me and her and as for now it cant be. We started this thing about a month or so into our relationship where when we didn't have a sleepover or if i had to work late we'd text eachother goodnight right before bed. Well this is the first time in over a year i dont have any message whatsoever from her at this time. I feel like i'vel lost myself in all this.