What can I do about my shyness and low self esteem?

[iggy320]

Hi everyone, I feel a bit selfish for making a topic as my first post. I'd like to say that this is one of the most caring and helpful communities I have ever seen.

 

I'm a 22 year old guy, I'm in college taking some very demanding courses to become a nurse; which makes me very busy.

 

I have an active social life and many friends, but my problem is this: I am just so self conscious, shy, and I have a recurring low self esteem issue. Everyone else seems to get girlfriends so easily, but I have never really had a steady one.

 

I've had a few sort-of GF's, last summer this girl asked me out but dumped me after one day, and all I had done between that time was made a quick phone call to meet her the next day. Everything was going so great too. We're still friends but I think the reason was because I'm too much of a nice guy and I don't have a powerful enough personality for her.

 

Before that, I asked out my best friend that's a girl, but I broke it off because we've been friends for 5 years and our relationship didn't seem to get past friends with kissing benefits.

 

Other than that my life is just full of teases, and reminders that guys must make the first move always. Since I fear rejection, I choose not to make the first move but get pissed off at how girls never make moves. I'm not ugly either.

 

What, if anything, am I doing wrong? Should I even be pursuing girls at such a busy time in my life? How should I deal with the resulting low self esteem?

[heloladies21]

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[iggy320]

Yeah I'm quite familiar with those site's teachings and pick-up styles. I've learnt a lot about how being needy is not good, how to treat a woman in an attractive way by being confident, how and when to give compliments, when to call a girl and how to set up dates etc. that's all great stuff.

 

That's not the problem, these sites are just not me. I can change my personality traits to be less needy, but I can't magically become cocky and funny anyways. Cocky and funny is actually kind of lame; imagine saying to a girl at a cash register who needs your phone number to enter you into the system.. and you say something like "does that mean I get your phone number too?" the girl would probably think you're a loser. And my example is not far off from what these sites tell you to do. I'm a nice guy and I don't want to have to change that into being a fake-ish "bad boy" just to get a girl.

 

I just want to know how to get over the fact that guys have to make the first move, and how to deal with low self esteem.

[slim86]

yea i know what you mean about the needy thing... to me neediness means "insecurity" and thats a flaw if you're trying to get a gf. Girls want dudes that are secure with themselves and can be their own guy and not worry about others think. To me, most girls are very insecure about themselves already and if you're trying to get with that girl.. theres not point in both of u being insecure, u feel me? so basically be yourself. You don't need to be cocky or a jerk to get a good conversation going. And if you're boring the chick, then maybe its her thats boring and not you. You got nothing to lose man.

 

Myself, i'm still dealing with shyness, but i'm getting better at it by working out and lifting weights to give me that extra confidence to be around the ladies.

 

good luck man

[orangecounty]

Good point. Don't become cocky, girls such as myself hate it. I think some of those sites tend to go to the other extreme. Sorry but I find men who are macho and cocky to be tracky and an incredibly turn off. Just be yourself. It's more about believing in yourself and improving you instead of trying to be someone else.

[Salucious]

Hi there, I am also a 22 year old guy and in college. I just recently became more social, not that I'm a party animal by any means. What got me to this point was to just kind of slowly become comfortable around people, any person I mean. Girls are people too believe it or not. Like others have already said, if you try to be too confident (cocky) it will be too obvious you are hitting on girls. The girls that have self-respect won't just throw themselves at you if you flirt with them, they will want to chat and get to know you first. I think EVERYONE has some self-conscious thoughts, you just can't let them control your behavior. I am self-conscious about my height and used to let it completely shut me out from other people, now I have 4 roomates that I get along well with and when I meet girls they know I just be myself and start conversations. Look for girls that look bored, like in some of my classes I see girls that have no one to talk to and just twirl their pencil until class starts; perfect oppurtunity to just say "hi" and start talking.

 

Again, I think the real trick is to just relax as much as possible and if they notice you are relaxed, you can be yourself and they'll get to know you a lot faster/easier.

[iggy320]

Thanks for the replies, guys, they're all full of lots of intelligent things I can work on

 

I do lift weights as well slim86, it does help with confidence and I am 5'9" and 135lbs so I need everything I can get to help me look bigger. And the chick being boring and not me is a good way to look at it because I know I can be very interesting.

 

To the poster above, I am also doing what you're doing, getting more social and stuff.. going to parties etc. The "be relaxed" idea is probably the best thing I can do.. I often get jumpy and fidgety during conversations, even if I'm not all that nervous (just a habit). Thanks again for all the feedback.

[comalies]

i've found the best way to gain confidence in talking to any girl is to go to a stripclub. they won't deny you obviously, but plenty of them like regular conversation as well. i've found doing this made me much more confident in approaching any type of girl. this isn't a joke, its a confidence builder.

[iggy320]

i've found the best way to gain confidence in talking to any girl is to go to a stripclub. they won't deny you obviously, but plenty of them like regular conversation as well. i've found doing this made me much more confident in approaching any type of girl. this isn't a joke, its a confidence builder.

At first I thought you were kidding, but this DOES seem like a good idea! Strippers are very accustomed to having guys approach them, they won't even think twice when you do it. That's pretty smart. They'll probably accept you with open arms since it's their job to talk to guys when they're not stripping. Excellent ego booster since they will not reject you. Just don't bother asking them out.. hahaha

[g44]

there really is a fine line guys are asking to play...open up to much and it comes accross as clingy...close up shop...you are dead wood...u are told that it takes courage to show weakness instead of hiding it, yet doing so is deemed pathetic....i think the main problem with all this is instead of just seeing the person as a host of everything possible...we assign importance to one or more traits that really ebb and flow thru out life...say in your 20s you could waterski like a madman but in your 50s your back wouldn't let u...are u somehow less or a person? just a thought

[iggy320]

there really is a fine line guys are asking to play...open up to much and it comes accross as clingy...close up shop...you are dead wood...u are told that it takes courage to show weakness instead of hiding it, yet doing so is deemed pathetic....i think the main problem with all this is instead of just seeing the person as a host of everything possible...we assign importance to one or more traits that really ebb and flow thru out life...say in your 20s you could waterski like a madman but in your 50s your back wouldn't let u...are u somehow less or a person? just a thought

Yeah I guess the lesson there is to find balance. Don't be needy, but open up just enough. Don't be cocky, but don't be so modest either that you give up your power.

 

I'm really getting the hang of being me.. I guess coming here and hearing all the positive words is plenty of fuel as it is. It's so heartwarming that people take the time to do that here.