Am I deluded?

[melh14975]

This is the first time I've ever done anything like this but my friends have their own issues and views so I'd rather get impartial opinions. My partner and I have been together for nearly 13 years (Since we were 18) and like anyone we've had ups and downs and broken up and gotten back together. Anyway, we have a ten month old son who is beautiful beyond belief and have bought a nice house, all of that normal stuff. Anyway to cut the story of my life short, he's been a bit stressed, when asked what was wrong it was alwys 'nothings wrong', then the other night it was 'I'm not happy with my work' then he comes home early from a conference and while his parents are pruning the fruit trees outside tells me 'I love you but I don't think I'm in love with you, you're my best friend and I don'[t know who else to talk to' then tells me he's become 'emotionally close' with a female friend of his whose going through all sorts of issues herself but that he's not having or planning an affair and he had to tell me all of this because he didn't want to lie to me. I haven't kicked him out of the house or anything because I (perhaps stupidly) love him beyond belief and he's still talking about future plans (like studying OS for a year and all of us going) but am I just deluding myself? We went through something similar a few years ago (pre-baby) and we came through stronger than ever but I have a baby now and I don't have the emotional energy to go through that rollercoaster again. Anyway, any opinions appreciated.

[princess81]

Wow hugs to you and I dont even know you. That is really serious I guess he told you the truth now its time for you to do what is best for you and your baby cause right now your letting him feel like its ok and your behaving the way that you are becasue your afraid to deal with it and you have hope but please look out for yourself and your feelings no on one else is gonna do it for you.

[melh14975]

Afraid probably isn't close, terrified might be better because its not just me, its me and my son. And I'm a big girl I can take care of myself but he's just a baby who loves his dad. And I don't want to give ultimatums while my partner is all confused (and I'm all confused) and its not like I really know what I'd demand anyway. His male friends (who all like 20 years older than us) are telling him he's an idiot (because for whatever reasons they like me) and he just says he doesn't want to end up bitter and twisted with messy divorces like them.

[n83]

The bottom line is, assuming what he's said to you isn't a bunch of lies, he is having an emotional affair with someone. BEFORE it turns physical (again, assuming it hasn't) he needs to 100% re-commit back to you and your relationship. If he doesn't, you need to seriously consider if you want to stay with him. It sounds like he is having serious doubts, and while he is doubting you and him as a couple, he is also screwing with his whole family unit.

[Boughtandpaidfor]

I've been in a situation where the foreseeable future is totally planned out because I'm in a relationship that's very secure and solid and it's completely freaked me out. Especially if he's still young I can totally imagine how he might be feeling- it's easy to suddenly feel trapped.

 

That said- my girlfriend at the time did absolutely the right thing- she didn't give ultimatums (I read somewhere that's a big no-no in the relationship book- it only causes resentment- I can certainly attest to that since I've recently been forced to quit smoking). She just said "come back when you've decided what you want and I might still be here".

 

You're husband might be freaking out, little life crisis and it's causing him to try to take the power back- but taken it a little too far- he wants you but this other girl too and who knows what else- it's a bit of a power trip. I dont think you should especially hate him for it but its not something you let go by.

 

It's just a thought anyway.

[SarahRose]

I don't think you need to issue any ultimatums.

 

You have your hands full with a family.

 

He needs to grow up and stop talking to this other woman and focus on his family.

 

Have him go to marriage counseling with you.

[barefoot]

you didn't mention when the trip was planned, but i def. would not go OS for a yr with a child with my marriage in trouble. you have family and friends here, and the law. sadly, right now you don't know what you may need for support in the near future.

 

you said you went through something like this a few years ago, and now he is doing something again - a pattern?. ... you are young yet. how many more rollercoaster rides do you want to go on in your life?

 

been there. {{hugz}}