Did I do the right thing?

[Niceguy78]

So all week my gf and i have tailed off in the communication department as ive said in another post, well i gave her the benifit and just went with it, figured the strep throat and what not was valid excuses for so little talking. Anyway she went out last night with the girls which is fine, but normally when she goes out she calls the same night. Didnt happen this time. Whatever i let it go. Figured id get at least a messege or call in the afternoon, but nothing. So i call her and she at her mothers, says she'll call be back at 9 as she about to eat dinner. Again fine (or more like im getting frustrated). Anyway no call at 9, give her time...11 no call. Given the lack of communication lately i figured it was time to say screw insecurity and be a man. I simply sent her a snippy "Thanks for the call. Night" Text. Im normal too chicken to do such a thing in fear of a girl dissapproving and breaking up with me, but i decided this crap has to stop. Was I right?

[NJRon]

Not exactly.. that was passive-aggressive. If you want to be a man, take the high road with a "Sorry we didn't get a chance to talk".

[Niceguy78]

Sigh, im no good at this at all. Im told i need more of a back bone so i tried being angry and showing it. So when angry i should be what? I dont know anymore.....The end of this relationship is near i know it, happens everytime always ends the same, she loses the spark and im left insecure and needy, its not fair i want to change it so bad but i keep trying new things and keep getting the same results.....

[heloladies21]

This is going to be a process friend, and I went through it too so you can be proud of the fact that you finally did something. Instead of letting it just die out like you've done, for that you should feel proud because you've taken a big step to wards finally learning how to do this.

 

You were right to think that her not calling you needed some kind of response and that's the first (and most important part) of the battle. Now let's concentrate on how to do this. You did ok, but personally, I would've given her the extra time to call me or let her call me tomorrow. Then I would've teased her like saying sarcastically "It's great that I don't have to wait for your return call anymore, I was up all night." But then go serious and say "But what's up with you not returning my call when you said you would?" Then hear her out. If there's a chance that she has a legit excuse, you need to hear it, then decide if you buy it. She could've gotten held up with some emergency or something, then you would look like a fool, but if she was just lazy, then you can give her some stuff. It depends what she comes at you with. The more BS her reason, the more you need to give her stuff about it.

 

It's going to feel like you're exploding your feelings so it might come off as overly harsh or make you seem too sensitive, but that's what happens when you keep all of your feelings inside for so long. Just something to remember for next time.

 

Don't get down on yourself, this is a learning experience and you've taken the most important step. You're also going to want to get to learn how to calibrate the seriousness of how she's disrespecting you. Like if some dude started hitting on her right in front of you and she was reciprocating, then you would want to go WWIII on her, but if she just didn't get back to you in time while she was at her mother's, not such a serious offense.

 

I had trouble with this too guy, don't stress it. You're going to have to break some eggs on the way there. You will learn this eventually, and probably sooner than you think.

[NJRon]

It is a learning process. A process of how to communicate your anger. I have found it difficult to communicate my anger before. I would bottle it up and then it would start coming out inappropriately. Snide remarks, or expressing anger over something that wasn't even the issue.

 

Everyone's personality differs. I rarely go for the teasing remarks. Just because I tend to tease a bit too sarcatically and it can set the person on the defensive. Also, I avoid the guilt trip whenever possible. Instead, I try to go to the heart of the matter and, if it's a real issue for me, I turn it around and let the person know how their action made me feel...

 

"You usually text me after you go out to let me know that you got home safely. When you don't, I get anxious and worried."

 

Though I can totally understand your frustration given the gradual reduction in communication, it doesn't seem that her not calling last night is the total issue. If it were, I would say you were jumping the gun. She went out with friends, she hadn't been feeling great before.

 

You can take the high-road and *still* express your feelings. But texting someone with a quippy remark is cutting... not expression, but lashing out.

 

Taken in the greater context, you need to sit down with her and discuss the communication overall... not just one instance of her not calling... the general lack of communication.

[Boughtandpaidfor]

Yeah I'd go with the owning your feelings. Getting angry is fair enough. But being aggressive isn't going to make her stop running away. Try something like

 

"I'm very hurt and upset you didn't reply to me when you said you would"- It doesn't sound like she's ready or able to comminicate which totally sucks for you- but at least you've made yourself clear which is about all you can do when you're being stonewalled.

 

Also angers comes from being hurt- so as much as possible go for communicating the hurt in an assertive way- easier said than done. And not to be confused with pretending to forgive.

[Niceguy78]

Seems i cant do the whole getting my feeling accross without screaming insecure. Im either passive aggressive or insecure I need help getting the points accross without being either of those.

[NJRon]

I am by no means that paragon of communication, that's for sure.

My suggestion is to look into some books on communication. There are also tons of resources on the web. At first, I found it awkward to change how I expressed myself. Over time it becomes more natural.

[Niceguy78]

I feel like i have this disease and there is no cure though i try very hard to change i cant seem to shake it. I would like more than anything to remove or correct this major flaw in me. If anyone has refrences or advice id appreciate it.

[Royltnxile]

You shouldn't have responded with a snippy remark when she didn't call you. You should have just let it go without any kind of response at all. It's called being cool and detached. Your snippy remark most likely caused her to see you as being needy. Try sitting back and letting her call you for a change. If she's a rude person who neglects to call when she says she is going to call, then don't put up with it and do nothing. You need to act as though you care less if she calls you or not. Trust me!

[Niceguy78]

I did that all last week and all i got a was the odd text messege. Oh yeah no response from her yet. Figured i would have gotten something by now, either negative or positive. Shrug i hate this. Its the same everytime.

[Boughtandpaidfor]

I feel like i have this disease and there is no cure though i try very hard to change i cant seem to shake it. I would like more than anything to remove or correct this major flaw in me. If anyone has refrences or advice id appreciate it.

 

There's nothing wrong with you - you're being disrespected!! If anything's wrong you're blaming yourself for everything. Give yourself break it always takes two to samba (is that right>

[Niceguy78]

Then im being disrespected by every woman i date. I think that has to have something to do with me......

[heloladies21]

Man, will you scroll back up and reread my post? I solved the exact same problem you're looking to fix, so let's me and you talk it through and work it out. Relax, you took a big step. Learn what you can from the experience for next time, and concentrate on what to do next. Now lay back and give her a chance to call you back.

[Niceguy78]

Im tryng, believe me, its all just so very frustrating. I really dont expect to here from her today, i just get that feeling. But for now is the most important thing here to not say anything at all til she responds, no matter how long that may be? On the bright side its a work out night, that usually makes me feel better and distracts from any BS i may be going through at temporarily.

[heloladies21]

Yes exactly, keep on with your things and live your life in the meantime. Just give it a couple of days and we'll address it at that time, but she might call today, she might call tomorrow. In either case, your response will be similar. You're going to want to have a convo in the style we were talking about before in previous threads, go read the advice I gave you in those and take a look at the examples I gave you. Addressing the situation without sounding like a baby. You do this by being very straightforward and discussing her actions and explain it to her on why she was wrong. You do this with a confident tone, go watch that Hulk Hogan reality show on VH1 to get an idea of how.

 

And still remember about calibrating how serious she wronged you. If she calls you later today, you can't be THAT mad, because people sometimes get hung up and you're going to have to feel it out. Obviously you're going to want to say something, and her excuse better make sense or else you should say something like "well, that's not right...", but if she were to go a few days and then call you, you would want to address it with a little more force.

[Niceguy78]

Ok then, no contact til she responds then.

[heloladies21]

Let's just take it one day at a time. Give her a chance to call you today.

[Niceguy78]

Well she didnt call, and hasnt called today either. Still I'm trying to hang in there. I think its kinda of petty she wouldnt even text me anything by now over me being angry she doesnt call on time. 2 days of silence makes me think there are other issues, or she's just beign a brat.

[heloladies21]

It's ok, cool out my man. Let's plan on calling her tonight if she doesn't call. And don't go in with guns blazing because on a scale of 1-10 it's about a 4 so you would want to tease her a few times about it.

[Niceguy78]

Hmm why call her? Though i was supposed to stay put til she says something.

[heloladies21]

It was just for the moment so we could take the heat off the situation because she would've gotten the feeling that you were being overbearing. You two are in a relationhsip so you have to talk sometime and we don't want to develop a rift. So call her tonight so we can see how she acts. Be cool, you want to tease her a few times for not calling you, but then go "But seriously though, why didn't you call me back when you said you would?"

[tiger_lily57]

You have every right to be upset. But instead of the text message you sent, I would of asked straight out what is going on?? And dealt with it accordingly.

[Niceguy78]

Well of course, but all of this is due to my own insecurity which is why im taking this as a learning experience to try and deal with this sort of thing right for once. In my eyes this relationship is going to die (i dont want it to believe me). When this sort of thing happens its a classic result for me. I'm trying to grow mentally regardless of what happens with her, im HOPING the way i handle it this time will curb this pattern and i can finally have a healthy long term happy relationship.

[Massari]

"niceguy" I am kina confused here.. how long has it been since you haven't heard from her? a week? and how many times have you tried contacting her through that time?