Do we have everything against us?

[lianaadams]

Hi, i'd like to know if my long distance relationship is working. I've been in one for 2 yrs now. He left in August 2004, came back during christmas and we didnt see each other till March 2006 when I went over to see him for 3 months. The time between christmas and March was really bad and we thought we wld break up many times.

 

The thing is when we're together it's great and really fun and we can't get enough of each other. We spend 99% of our time together and it's really intense. But we fight alot for no reason and it gets extremely violent and verbally abusive, things go flying everywhere, it's as if we do it just to provoke each other. I think I slapped him once but it was because he dragged me off the sofa and threw me out of the house, does that count as abuse? We never stay mad at each other for longer than a few hours. Both of us are just as bad and we don't know why. I've been back for 2 months now and it's crazy like it was before. We fight because i think we should speak everyday and he thinks 2 or 3 times is enough, he's only willing to spend lots of time with me if i'm physically there. When we fight, he doesn't pick up or returns my messages and I go absoulutely nuts. Somehow I feel compelled to call him 50 times and message him over 100 times. I get really crazy. When i don't pick up his calls, he goes crazy too and starts calling n messaging alot but nothing like what I do. I spend alot of time crying when we're apart and it's very draining. I can't explain our actions and I really need answers. All I know is that I panic when I can't get to him and I don't know wats going on, when we're living in the same country, it's never like that. We say the worst most hateful things to each other when we fight, over and over again.

 

We still have awhile to go before we reunite because he has to complete medical school but I don't know if this is worth persuing. I don't think he's cheated on me and I haven't done the same. We're both jealous but I think I'm a little worse. I don't like him meeting with girls and he doesn't like it if I talk to his friend's alone for too long.What's wrong with us?! How can 2 ppl feel so much for each other and do all this at the same time. The good times are so good and the bad times so bad. That makes it really hard to decide whether to stay together.

 

I don't know if our family backgrounds mean anything. He doesn't keep in contact with his dad at all and doesn't know anything about him, apparently his dad tried to poison his mom when he was little. His mom is a control freak and and he only just got his freedom at 20 when he transfered out of state to college. I just moved out from living with my parents, I'm not close to my dad, i've had issues with my mom since forever and now I just don't speak to them at all. I moved in with my grandma because my brother is really violent and my parents just choose not to care. The last straw for me was when he came into my room, broke my desk into 2 and shattered my wardrobe by kicking it (he accused me of putting something in his shoe). My parents have marital and financial issues at the moment so this was something they just felt they didn't wanna deal with, they completely disregarded what happened! Everyone has issues with their family right? Our's are a lil extreme so I thought maybe it cld be part of why we're so dysfuctional.

[Honey Pumpkin]

Hi Liana,

 

I'm sure you'll get great advice from people here who are far better qualified than me to comment. I'm not really sure what to say, except to say that a lot of alarm bells went off for me just reading your post.

 

To me, regardless of the LDR aspect of your relationship, it is a *violent* relationship. This is worrying in the extreme, encompassing as it does physical violence. It sounds like you are both addicted to this behaviour, and the drama of getting together and fighting. But I am worried that one of you will get hurt and soon.

 

Personally? If I were hit or physically/emotionally threatened in any way, I would leave the relationship. If I found myself doing the same to someone else, I would end the relationship. At the very least, I would urge you guys to get some counselling and urgently.

 

Good luck.

[monkey1]

Yeah, that's crazy. The fact that it sounds like you both become verbally and physically violent towards each other shows that neither of you know how to talk about your issues, big or small. And from your family histories, I could see why you put up with what you're in now.

 

It's not a healthy relationship from what you wrote. And I would not want to put up with someone who I felt was verbally or physically abusive to me, no matter how much I loved them. The only solutions to this relationship is to break up or both of you going into some serious counseling to learn how to deal with your anger and issues. It's much more stressful since it's long distance.

 

You guys gotta sit down and learn to talk like adults about the relationship and what you want to do.

[SarahRose]

I agree with the others. The ld is the least of the problems. Abuse is the main issue here.

[Anna.]

I feel like once you've let a relationship get to the point of disrespecting each other the way ya'll have (and I've done it too), it's time to let go, for real. Cause you're not gonna magically regain respect, you know? If your meant to be together, you'll find each other and be happy together later, just not right now.

[rikka]

Just throwing my 2 cents in, I am agreeing with the rest of the posters. This is not a healthy relationship, and you have more issues than just being LD. I think it is time to seriously evaluate your relationship.