I'm the dumper and I want him back

[Destiny77]

Hi everyone I'm new here and I'm glad I found this forum because I'm going crazy. I'll start by saying that I'm the Dumper but I never really wanted to end it. I'm crazy about this guy. Is there any hope for me?? Here's my story:

 

I had been dating a guy for the past few months. Initially it was great. He called me numerous times a day and spoiled me with gifts (although I declined repeatedly). He claimed that it made him feel good that I was happy. He would constantly ask me out, but my busy work schedule didn't allow it, so I had to turn him down often. But he knew how much I cared about him....I made it very obvious (maybe a mistake?). He told me that he was falling in love with me. I was on cloud nine. We had so much in common, we both told silly jokes, and we just got along wonderfully. If we ever argued, we would resolve it within a matter of minutes.

 

Well, fast forward to a couple weeks ago. He owns a business where his customers/friends are constantly visiting, especially one girl in particular. I know that there's nothing going on between them, but I still got angry by what I saw. She would constantly touch and tickle him in my presense, and they would go at it like a couple of kids. I felt that was innappropriate especially since I was there watching this.

 

Well, I confronted him about it and he said "oh she's just stupid like that...didn't you hear me tell her to get off me?". Yes he said it, but in an almost enticing manner (at least to me). This has happened nearly every time I visit him (she's always there ughhh), and had started getting to me. Also, the constant calls stopped and it seemed as though I was now the pursuer. He claimed he didn't ask me out because he's super busy. Well, he was just as busy when I first met him, but he still wanted to see me all the time then. With each passing day I felt more and more hurt by the lack of effort/emotion on his part, so I finally snapped and broke up with him. I told him to never call me again because I deserve better than someone who disrespects me that way around his friends and who doesn't seem interested in spending time with me.

 

He called me the next day (and I answered like a dumb a**) and he said he hadn't been happy either the past few days. I guess my attitude had gotten to be too much for him. But he never actually "said" he wanted to break up. So I reiterated what I had said the previous night and said I had deleted his #s and I will not be calling him. But I did tell him if he decides to call, then fine. Was that a mistake?? I wanted to appear strong, but I didn't want to completely close the door on this relationship. I actually hoped that he would continue to call to prove to me somehow that he really does care.

 

I had never felt such a connection with anyone ever before and I'm afraid I've made a huge mistake. I guess my biggest fear is that he would've dumped me eventually (my insecurities from past relationships), so I thought I'd beat him to the punch. But I really want him back and I'm going crazy without hearing his voice. It's only been 2 days but it feels like 2 years.

 

Any insight or advice? Was I reading way too much into things and being too sensitive about things? Should I continue to do NC in hopes that he will eventually call even though I'm the dumper? Please help.

[iamteddybearfeelmecuddle]

I don't think your dumping him was a mistake at all. I believe he pulled a bait and switch tactic on you. I think that other woman has probably been part of his life for some time, and this is not the first time he's put a gf in that position. The way he was behaving with her especially in front of you was indeed disrespectful, and he was probably hoping the two of you would start fighting over him. What an ego boost that would have given him. I'm glad you didn't give it to him, and I suggest you move on so you can marry a grown man who doesn't have tickle-play with female friends of his in front of his wife.

[DN]

So you kept turning him down for dates because you were busy, declined his gifts, and then got annoyed when his interest seemed to wane after another girl seemed to be interested in him.

 

You turned him down because you were busy - but when he is busy that is a problem for you.

 

And your reaction to that was to break up with him.

 

I'm not exactly sure who did the bait and switch here but I can say that it is usually a mistake to break up with someone if you don't really mean it.

[rnorth]

If you are the dumper and you truly want him back I suggest you let go of your pride and you get on the phone and ask if you can both get together to talk.

 

Sounds like you may have reacted to a situation thinking the worst of him instead of thinking the best - this after all the good things he has done for you. Try thinking the very best of him. Give him the benefit of the doubt.

 

Don't expect this to be easy.... NC is usually recommended for the dumpee, not the dumper. But you are going to have to give up some control and some of your ego to have a chance to make this work.

 

Good luck and God bless.

[Belle]

Destiny,

 

I don't know if I'd go the route of telling him you made a mistake. He was pulling back before you ever broke up with him so it was on his mind as well. I did that once, and it totally backfired. My ex was on a power trip and ultimately I just stopped talking to him altogether.

 

I think the things to take away from this is that when someone is rubbing your nose in a flirtation to not take it personally. If he does it in front of you, you excuse yourself and avoid that situation altogether. Then you pull back. Overreacting to these situations really doesn't help and shows a weakness to the other person. And it's human nature to exploit it. The ex above and I were in a similar situation. He invited me to a party and proceeded to flirt with every woman there but me. I had enough and tried to leave with my dignity but he turned it into a screaming match. The lesson I took from that is that a guy who's crazy about you doesn't test you with those silly games. And in my situation, it turned out that he had slept with a couple of the women he was flirting with. My last ex never even looked at a girl in front of me. But he was a different bird altogether.

 

You can talk to him but I wouldn't say you made a mistake. I would ask him if you think you guys were making the right decision to see if he's open to reconciliation. If you tell him you made a mistake he'll start to feel all powerful. And since he seemed to be pulling back prior to break up anyway, I don't like the odds.

[river dog]

I think the things to take away from this is that when someone is rubbing your nose in a flirtation to not take it personally.

 

Not reacting is very important. He was testing your boundaries. He may have a lot of baggage and just wanted to give you a reason to dump him?

 

I went through this kind of thing. I was just a series of test that I failed to react to so I failed her tests. Gladly failed as they were rather crazy and nothing to do with me.