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taking bad news badly.


joyce1412
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after a few days of doing better than normal, i received some horrible news at work today from my friend...we'll call her S.

 

even though i told her long ago, a couple of times, to STOP giving me info about my ex, she managed to tell me that D, who i THOUGHT was a good friend to me, is trying to fix up my ex with an acquaintance/friend of mine, Z.

 

the only information that i could bear to hear is that D really wants them to get together...which might explain why she hasn't been calling me the last few months. apparently Z is pretty interested. my ex might be interested as well...i don't know. i couldn't get a straight answer from S, but she might have been fibbing to help soften the blow for me. meanwhile D is trying to invite the two of them to things and get them talking.

 

i have been crying all day. i never expected to get news like this. it is a triple betrayal: first, my two friends, for not respecting the hugely important, unspoken rule that it's NEVER okay to date a friend's ex. and then my ex, for seeing someone he knows i'm friendly with.

 

now, my friend D, she totally pretended to be there for me during my breakup. she agreed with me that my ex was SUCH an encouraged me to vent, etc. she claimed to hate him, even. a few months later i found that the two of them hung out in groups, but i didn't think much of it at the time. i figured that even though they were hanging out she would side with me if forced to choose. after all, she expressed such shock at him breaking up with me, and like i said, seemed so supportive. and she had been through a breakup recently, too, and i tried to be there for her as well and give her encouraging words.

 

and this girl Z...she is pretty horrid. i liked her until recently, when i heard that she was spreading rumors of MY BREAKUP and telling MY friends that i was super depressed. i asked her to stop spreading gossip and she denied it, so after that i was pretty over her, even though she tried to be all nicey-nice with me. however, even before this i could only take her in small doses because she's so extreme and annoying. ALWAYS talking smack about people, complaining, whining, a very loud person whom most people feel is obnoxious. she looks down on everyone. her last boyfriend she would break up with every two weeks. and she is so self-important and cocky. on the one hand, i really am in disbelief that he would want to be with her. i didn't even think he liked her as a person, much less a potential girlfriend. i think that it can't be true. but on the other hand, i don't know him anymore, and i know she is beautiful and outgoing. and who knows what he wants anymore?

 

i don't know what to do. i want to call D and SCREAM at her, because i thought we were close...she one of only a handful of people that i invited to my birthday, we even took a trip together this summer. i totally thought she had my back. i was dead wrong. but i don't know if i can do this. i don't know if i can say anything to her without coming out looking worse.

 

so now i'm just sobbing, sobbing because of all the betrayal and sadness. thanks to anyone who read this, advice and feedback appreciated.

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Two of my best friends started as enemies. Some of my closest friends are now my enemies. Just as there is a thin line between love and hate, there is a fine line between friends and enemies. Friends make the best enemies, they already have all the information they need about you plus your trust and can get close to you.

 

Unforutunately there is not much you can do. Write those friends off and exclude yourself from their games. Make sure you set them all straight on this.

 

DBL

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how long were you and the ex together? How long ago did you break up?

 

Well, your friend really should have not told you, especially after telling her you don't want to hear it anymore. you are still healing.

 

why did you and the ex break up? whenever you start to feel jealous, think back to his bad qualities, and why it is better he is out of your life now.

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together for a year and a half. broke up four months ago.

 

he broke up with me. i think it mostly boiled down to him being constantly on the road (like weeks or months at a time) for his work. long-distance was getting too rough...or so i thought. because if he's going to date this awful girl then distance was not the problem...the problem was how he felt about me.

 

my friend should not have told me, but i can think of a lot more "should not haves" for those other two friends.

 

the jealousy is rough, but the betrayal is just as awful, if not more.

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Set them straight as in tell them to mind their business and stop playing their kiddie games. Make it clear you don't want to hear any of their BS about your x and that girl or what any plans are. It's over and you want to move on.

 

DBL

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I am *so* sorry you are going through this. It is one thing to be let down by a boyfriend, but getting let down in this way by friends cuts in a different way. All I can say is that the "friend" who is trying to set up your ex is no friend at all, and the "friend" that is telling you all about it is insensitive, at best.

 

Try to step back for a while, spend time with your family and old friends who pre-date your relationship with your ex. Remove yourself from the drama, and no matter how hard, don't try to dig for more information about this situation.

 

Remember, you have done *nothing* wrong in this situation. You trusted people who turned out to be not worthy of that trust, but that is a mistake we all make at one time or another.

 

Again, I'm so sorry these girls weren't better friends. ((hugs))

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thanks everyone, and thank you so much for your words, jenny. i remember some other posts of yours that have made me feel a lot better.

 

yeah, i had figured out recently that D and others were really not friends of mine. they have very self-centered lives in which very few people actually matter to them. the one who let it slip is just a terrible liar, and had terrible timing today.

 

i feel like i probably don't want to know more, but then again...i wonder if i should have my friend tell me if the two of them solidly get together, so then i can know, get done with the pain ASAP, and accept that he is never coming back and that it's OVER over over.

 

would that be worse than having to wonder if they ever got together or not, and driving myself crazy with images of events that may or may not be happening, or maybe having to hear a few months down the line that they've been together for x amount of months and are happy?

 

i really have no idea. if anyone has any input or experience with this (meaning you have a preference for either knowing or not knowing that your ex is with someone else, or perhaps regret choosing to know or not know) i'd be curious to know.

 

and i'm assuming everyone here would encourage me not to read D the riot act, correct? just ignore her forever?

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This is the exact reason why I never got very close to females. I always just had one girl that I was close to. Of course, she would always end up manipulating and using me....Honestly, I don't know if it's the people you meet or if everyone's like this.

 

Ohh...Ignore her...totally. She doesn't care about you the way you probably care about her.

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well, luckily, in the past few months i sort of saw where the friendship was going. i pulled away to protect myself, not only because i needed to not be reminded of my ex, but as time went on, i saw where her loyalty (or lack thereof) was: with my ex and his whole crew. after all, did she give me a single call this summer to see how i was doing? nope. did she blow me off when i asked her to hang out? yep. i got the message.

 

i know what you mean about girls. i have been hurt more significantly in my relationships with men, but girls have hurt me far more often. i've started to get a better sense of whether or not a girl is trustworthy when i'm first getting to know her...i don't necessarily STOP seeing the girls that i don't really trust very much, but i definitely keep it in mind, and don't tell them all my secrets and all that. it's not terrible to keep them as casual friends, starbucks date-buddies. but close friends? never. a line must be drawn, and you must never cross it.

 

one thing i've realized more and more? you don't want to be involved with ANYONE who constantly talks crap about people, and if she wastes time talking crap about people she doesn't even KNOW...HUGE red flag. probably the biggest red flag for me. it's a sign of a black, ugly heart, and because i'm such a people-pleaser, i unfortunately start to participate after a while because i want the girl to like me. which only makes me an uglier person.

 

as much as i've been dying to b*tch this girl out today, i knew deep down that it was not the way to go, and would not give me the satisfaction i was looking for. but to be so betrayed and know that i'll never really get to say anything to her, or stand up for myself, or call her out...IT SUCKS. i feel the same way about all the things that my ex blamed me for when he broke up with me...he'll never understand the way that made me feel, and i'll never get to tell him.

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i feel a little better about this today. i've had my teary moments, and my weak, can't-help-myself moments, but i'm better than i expected i'd be today.

 

what i'm trying to focus on:

 

1. i wouldn't want to be with my ex anyway, now that i know his true character. he is not the man i thought he was or hoped he would be.

 

2. if he wants to be with this awful, black-hearted girl, he truly deserves her, and i can only feel sorry for him.

 

3. he won't marry her, so who cares? and even if he did, who cares?

 

4. these people are out of my life. my friends, my ex, all of them. and if someone's not in your life, she/he can't hurt you anymore.

 

as long as i don't see them around town...*shudder*...or accidentally hear more bad news, i think i should be okay. thing is, after a breakup, how you feel one day isn't necessarily how you feel the next day...it can be a blessing and a curse. i hope i feel this good or better tomorrow, although sometimes i'll go through a brief high a day or two after something * * * *ty has happened only to get upset again...

 

anyway, i'm trying to remember that the monster can only live if you feed it. i'll try to starve it out by not thinking about it after this.

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