found out news I'm not shure I like

[Jay Bird]

Ive been seeing my girlfriend for about two months now and twice now she didn't come home all night. The first time was around a week ago se said she went to a few clubs in the area. and the last one was right down the street.

I asked why she didn't come home after. her reply was she thought I wanted some space , I said yah for the evening but not the whole night.

she said she slept on a friends couch. well last night she went to dance at a few nearby clubs, and I went playing to make money as I'm a musician.

it was 3:45 a.m. and I decided to get some sleep. it's now 3:00 the next afternoon and still no show, and no voice message either. I saw a long time friend of mine this morning and she has known her for as long if not longer than I have.

she told me that two years ago she was completely in love with this guy and was seeing other guys and wondered why he got mad at her and ended it.

this was news to me and this was her advice-

ask her if she wants to be with me or be with me and see other guys and to be honest and that its not an argument but I just want to have a mutual understanding if we are to have a relationship and to be clear that I'm monogomist and clarify where we stand.

I wrote my feelings and the advice as best I could in a letter

and also said mind you this is not an ultumatum nor an accusation but I am monogamist and want to be your guy only. "if you sleep with anyone (even once) all we have will crumble and I will suffer not only losing you but also living with infidelity-choice is yours

time to think seriously

our relationship is counting on it

thats not the whole letter but a small example of how I feel

I'm trying to keep calm and level headed till I see her and will want a truthful answer of what happened last night

hopping for the best

-Jay Bird

[friscodj]

Hey JB-

 

From what you wrote, it sure sounds like this woman is a partier. Then again, if this has only happened twice in 2 months, maybe not. Is this behavior something you can deal with though? Because she probably won't change and resentment might build up if you do try to change her ways.

 

You put yourself out there in your letter to her. That's admirable. Wait and see what she says. In the meantime, I would hold off on getting too close or involved with this woman and trust your intuition on the situation because a lot of times we give ourselves the best answer as to what's going on.

[DN]

I agree - be clear about what you want from a partner and let her say what she wants. If you can't provide that for each other then walk away.

[friscodj]

I agree - be clear about what you want from a partner and let her say what she wants. If you can't provide that for each other then walk away.

 

And let me add that it if this is the case, it is better to do this sooner than later after you get too attached and your judgment gets clouded by doing so...

[Daddy Bear]

JB, i'm sorry to read about what you're up against. her honesty and fidelity seem to be in question in your mind, and i'm not sure that there is any response to your letter that would completely satisfy me in your shoes.

 

i agree with frisco; i wouldn't get too attached at this point. best of luck with this tough situation.

[DBL]

Bail on it Jay. Take it from experience. I had one of my x's x-boyfriend's come up to me to tell me what my recent girlfriend was like. I told him to mind his busniess. That was his deal with her not mine. I paid for it though. I wish I listened. I knew her x from childhood, but I also knew her whole family since childhood.

 

So scratch the letter, accuistations, ultamatiums, etc. Turn your back and don't look back. She already has shown no respect and you have a friends input as well. Don't get much clearer then that.

 

DBL

[iamteddybearfeelmecuddle]

Are you two living together and you've only been seeing eachother for 2 months? I'm asking because you said she didn't 'come home'. If so, I'd suggest you should date people a little longer before living together, so you'd hopefully have an idea of what they're like.

[Jay Bird]

thanx for your input and advice

I asked what happened and got three different answers,

got in a van,

went to weston

slept in a friends bed while they slept on the couch,

and stayed at a womans shelter

we like each other verry much but she has serious isues that offten get in the way of our relationship

and I try to be patient but offten wind up loosing my cool and some times pushing and this morning she wanted to fly out the door the minute we opend our eyes, to go to church, she was a little insensitive about a hug and kiss and caused an argument that got out of control,

I casn usually keep my calm and be patient but had just woke up and lost my cool and pushed her and this one I cant even believe-spit in her face

she probly wont want anything to do with me and even if she conciders anything to do with me I need counselling or anger managment

so for now all I can do is give her space to think what she wants to do

and try not to hate myself because I do right now

the funny thing is we just got to a good point and had a great day yesturday

and I said were off to a good start and she replied yah until it happens again

and its the re hashing that gets my goat but I agree pushing etc is not the solution and I may have pushed her away. which is my fault, and I'm in a muck for my actions. I askedwhat can I do she said stop being abusive and rod off on her bike. I let her go but feel verry bad

[iamteddybearfeelmecuddle]

Yeah, it sounds like you could benefit from anger management classes. Do you know of any in your area that you could take? Why not go ahead and go? They might be able to help you find better ways to deal with things. You'll want to do that before you see your gf again, you don't want things to get out of hand.

[candy604]

you spat in her face? and pushed her?? oh dear.............

[Hope75]

This relationship sounds pretty self destructive.

 

She is possibly lying, has a history of cheating, and disappears overnight without a word to you.

 

You spit in her face and pushed her.

 

There is clearly no trust, and not respect between the two of you.

 

Perhaps this relationship is best let go.

[Jay Bird]

So scratch the letter, accuistations, ultamatiums, etc. Turn your back and don't look back. She already has shown no respect and you have a friends input as well. Don't get much clearer then that.

 

thanks for the friend point of view,

you know I have come to realise I have a problem-

I loose control of my anger and it gets to the point where I'm going to have to lose anyway because I already hurt her and she gets out of bed and starts getting dressed to leave

and this time I did it again ...

I'm so disapointed with myself. I know its shattered and its my fault,, but what ever triggers me I seriously need to get some sort of counselling or anger management, because This isn't the first time in a relationship--

I want you all to know I'm being perfectly honest and I'm all mixed up

because I know i'll miss the times we shared and things we did and the good memories and how I feel about her when this hadn't happened I mean I accept that what I did was wrong but on the other hand I also will have to live with not only losing her but how I lost her, and thats going to really suck cause I wanted to settle down with her. but I blew it...

[candy604]

yeah i think you should not get into a relationship until you get help and clean yourself up. You don't want to go around hurting another lady. Enroll yourself into some classes and actually have an attitute to change. It comes from the heart to change and wanting to be a better person. You can change and you can do it.

 

I would do yourself a favour and let her leave, don't even think of settling down until you are stable. You don't want a marriage full of abuse and problems.

 

Good luck.

[Hope75]

JayBird,

 

I agree with Candy that you need to take a step back and get some help for your anger problem. I also question any relationship where you feel it's OK to hit another person.... you need to get some help.

 

I'm not saying she was perfect, but physical abuse is not acceptable and it's also illegal- so getting some counseling and anger management is a must for you- plus- I am sure you are not happy being this way!

 

No one hits someone they profess to love- no matter how angry she makes you.

 

I hope for your sake you will seek help and learn how to control yourself- before you get into another relationship.

 

Hang in there, friend.

[1finger]

Wow, you are the kind of man that most women dream about when it comes to what you have siad thus far.

 

I would have to ask this, how old is she and where do you see your relationship with her in the future? Do you see her as someone who makes you happy and love or as someone who you are datting and care about but would not see her as the woman you would marry.

 

If you 2 are having problems this soon into the relationship, where will things be in the future with the 2 of you. I think that you are not going to find what you want with her. It seems to me that while you maybe out late at night, you are doing your job. Don't get me wrong there is nothing wrong with going out and having a good time. But come on it should be something that is once in awhile or even if you do it together. But I would be feeling the same way as you if I was in your shoes.

[maasikus]

Sounds like you definitely need to do some anger management courses. Also, might be a good idea to talk to her and find out what she feels about monogamy. Maybe she doesnt consider the relationship to be exclusive yet?

How long have you guys been dating?

[1finger]

If you are looking for help, you may want to look into all kinds of different programs and or people. Some local colleges offer programs that might help. Check out the comunity websites and or news papers. LOL, yeh I know the news paper, but there are some great programs in there that most people don't even bother to look for in there.

[iamteddybearfeelmecuddle]

Wow, you are the kind of man that most women dream about when it comes to what you have siad thus far.

 

1finger, I wasn't sure about whether you're being sarcastic? Which part are women supposed to dream about? Staying out half the night? Pushing us? Or spitting in our face? That might be your dream, but seriously, it's not mine.

[Royltnxile]

Jay,

 

2 months and you are already trying to control this girl? Put it in perspective! Have you thought about how you are going to come accross to her with your ultimatum style letter? You will just look like a controlling and possesive azzhole and she will most likely head for the hills. Especially because you don't really know what she was up to those nights. You really have no proof that she is sleeping with others except the opinion of a common friend - who probably doesn't know either and is just conjecturing based on things she has done in the past.

 

If you like this girl, then why not gently approach the subject of commitment and monogamy with her before you go dropping deep and heavy letters on her. IMO, 2 months is way too soon for this stuff anyway.

[maasikus]

You really have no proof that she is sleeping with others except the opinion of a common friend - who probably doesn't know either and is just conjecturing based on things she has done in the past.

 

Exactly my thoughts as well.

[Jay Bird]

Exactly my thoughts as well.

 

I really apreciat all of your input on this matter,

I talked to a few community counsellors and got some varied advice and put what made the most sense together.

and I completely agree, there is no excuse for my actions

I did wrong and I must take responsability

I read every quote and have gotten a great deal of insight from all of you

I miss her because it's my own damn falt and today I set an appointment

with an anger managment counsellor who sees you 1 on 1

its set for sep 14 and in the mean time I wrote a letter because she still has a key and I left it on the desk. it basically states I need to get counselling to control my outburstsd until I can get to the point where I am in control of my actions and that I need to let her be on her own and give her all the time she needs and let her decide if she wants anything to do with me and its better that I get the help I need for myself and she is the one to decide to invite me back into her life but only after I get a handle of my self and my actions after some time with anger management and counseling

 

in the mean time I can only hope that any arrangements she makes are comfortable and will acomidate her in work music and everything shes working toward, and that I;m sorry I let things get out of control and I can only hope

one day she'll have me as a friend, otherwise I realise I need to opologize for my actions and hope she will find employment and work in film as thats what she came here for

 

as for my self I feel bad and am trying to make healthy choices and decisions

and am going to take a job as a bike courier to keep buisy and try to focus on my own well being and just hope she is safe and in a good place.

thanks all

Jay Bird- Musiciam 'normaly a nice guy with issues to sort through

thanks for all your advice support and honesty