The other woman

[Emptyami]

I am not sure where to begin..so here goes. Well, for the last 6 months I have been dating a man that is married.He has told me that the marriage has been over for a long time, he was just staying until his last child graduates school which will be this May. He and others that know him and me told me that they live on separate floors of the house, they dont sleep together, they are simply roomates, and his wife says it is only a piece of paper.

 

Some different things have happened that have seemed to have convinced me even more that his marriage is over...such as I am the one that goes with him to all of his dr. appointments, surgery, etc. and he use to be with me like 24/7. Okay, well this is even harder because we are both are Christians, yet we both have been lonely for a long time and it seemed like things between us just happened and now we both are in love with one another....we are both continually fighting our feelings for one another trying to be obediant to the will of God, we have failed and have been convicted for failing, but at the same time it is so hard not to fail again. We both want to be together but we want to do things in God's timing and not ours..there are things both of us have to do in on our own in order for us to be together...not just the divorce..and these things are being accomplished (it just seems to be taking forever)

 

Well about 3 weeks ago his wife tells me that they slept together a few days before she told me. When I asked him he was honest with me and said yes he did, and explained to me that he did it because he felt like he needed to in order to be completely certain there was nothing at all left. OKay...sounds like the silliest thing ive ever heard, but then he goes on to apologize to me, promise it will never happen again, because now he knows for certain there is nothing left..etc. Well to me im thinking...wow...you think you could have thought of that 6 months ago before telling me all these things? But anyway thats besides the point. I feel like God wants me to forgive him...I have had confirmation after confirmation....forgive him and comfort him, do not be swallowed up with sorrow, reaffirm your love to him, etc. and this is backed up with scripture..I know for some this may sound crazy.

 

Okay so now I tell him to basically go away until the divorce is final which is supposed to be soon I hope...but anyway and then perhaps we can start all over...my problems are..right now I am feeling betrayed myself. I have forgivven him already but trust is something that I am having a hard time doing. I feel as though everything he has said to me the last 6 months is completely gone out the window....it means nothing. Now I question is this marriage really over, am I causing a divorce, what is his true feelings for me, etc. I have told him to stay away but I miss him so much and I am not strong enough to stick to my words. I feel like a fool, like a door mat.

 

There is more to this...such as I received what I believe is a promise from God in regards to marrying this man...and I received this even before I became close to him. And with that I have received a lot of confirmation again....from books, church, TBN, scripture, etc. The main things I continue to hear is that if God has promised you something, if he has given you a vision..the vision is yet for an appointed time, though it tarries now, wait for it, do not be dismayed, it will come to pass. Then I hear that David did not sit on the throne the minute he was appointed King of Israel, infact when Saul found out about David he threw a fit...so I read that if God has promised you something, and if you see someone else sitting on your throne, do not worry, you may have to wait for a period, but just be patient because it will come to pass.

 

I know some people will not like me just because I am the other woman. A lot of people may think that I am a bad person...or I deserve to be hurt or whatever...but the reality is that I am dying inside with emptyness right now...and i know a lot of it is because of sin...sin creates lonliness because it separates us from God. I dont want to hurt anyone, I just listened to what he told me and I am standing on what God has promised me, but right now I am hurting and I am weak and I guess I just need someone to talk to or to understand me. God says that love endures all things...and I dont want to be foolish but I am in love with this man and I will endure whatever I must endure through this until the end. Thank you for taking time to read and reply. God Bless.

[DN]

Moderator note: I have paragraphed your post for you as it is easier to read and you may get more responses. Please do that yourself in future posts.

[doyathink]

Hello ami, welcome to ENA...

 

First I must say that being a christian, you know God will not promise another womans man to you!! This is part of the 10 commandments. #7 'You shall not commit adultery.' # 10 'You shall not covet your neighbor's house; you shall not covet your neighbor's wife, nor his male servant, nor his female servant,!

 

Please do not use God to your advantage here...This type of thing angers me when ppl know wrong from right yet they misconstrue they're own thoughts to be Gods!

 

I will not bash you for what you are doing, that is your life and you have a right to do as you please, however...please don't say that God is giving you his blessings and/or promises!

 

BTW...this man is not cheating on you, he is cheating on his wife with you up until the day the divorce is final. I wish you luck!

 

Forgive me if I have some how misunderstood your post in any way.

[Emptyami]

I know what you are saying, and I know this is true, but in the beginning I also felt as though God told me that he has been released from the marriage. Does that sound crazy? I am not by any means trying to use God to my advantage or anything, I am just lost right now, and I am hurting, and I dont know what to do. I truly feel that God has placed these things in my spirit and these things are from God. I have prayed over and over about it and have received so much confirmation to let me know this is from God. SO please any suggestions, any comments or help is welcome. Thank you.

[lozic21]

God wouldn't tell you to commit adultury. Anyone can find a scripture in the bible that agrees with their point, even if it was like "its ok to murder b/c... blah blah". I being a christian, highly doubt God wants yo to be with a married man. Do you talk to his wife? She told you they had sex?

[doyathink]

I know what you are saying, I really do. BUT...(don't ya like that) you and I both know that God doesn't 'bend' or change the way he is to suit our needs.

To me, one sin is no worse than another...I am so not judging you and I am so not perfect myself. Listen and reread what you wrote tho, how can he promise something to you that he so despises.

 

I don't know what all the details are in your lives but I will say this...if you want his blessings than back out of the situation for now, until this man no longer has vows with another. At the end of the day you need to know in your heart that you were not the cause of a failed marriage and that this man is truly going to get a divorce and not because of you but because of a bad marriage...see what I'm saying?

[itsallgrand]

Hi Emptyami,

 

I'm sorry to hear you are feeling so empty and alone right now. That's exactly what this place is about - you are not alone!

 

I have a few questions:

Do you know the wife and speak with her?

Does she know about your relationship with her hubby - or is this a secret affair?

 

It sounds to me like you believe God has told you that you are to receive something. Maybe that instinct and vision is correct and there is love and devotion coming to you. Possibly, though, you've assumed a few details?

What if the man you are meant to be with, the marriage and all you envision, are someone and someplace else...and you are busy with the married man! Missing out on the good stuff.

 

Regardless of any of your beliefs, you are a human being who is presently getting the short end of the stick. You are sharing a man with another woman and waiting, hoping, he will choose you.

You deserve so much more than that.

I'm sorry, I just feel you are short changing yourself and missing out.

 

Would you consider leaving him? If not now, what would have to happen for you to walk away from this man? It's just imagining right now - I know you love him.

[hotsands]

Not to sound harsh, but if you're that religious, you should have not started an affair with him in the first place. It's called walking away. Just walk away and don't even get to a first-name basis with a married man. He cheated on his wife, he'll cheat on you. Don't ever think for a split second you would have him all to yourself someday. And since he is still married, you still have the power to walk away.

[candy604]

You need to consider that this man cheated and this is not pertaining to the word of God. It's only 6 months girl, things can change. If he can cheat on his own wife, you better watch out. God certainly doesn't plan for you to be with a cheater. If God wanted you to be with this man, it certainly would not be this way.

 

 

Don't get involved with this man, go find someone else, this is totally not the christian life. I agree with doyathink and you need to break it off to have blessings. Change your life. God needs people who love him with all their heart, soul, and mind and who follow his word ( from this you have wisdom).

 

the story of david..well he didn't commit this type of error before he sat on the throne. Relating your situation to his, is not comparable. Yes later he did ( slept with his army commander's wife) and then his kingdom went downhill from there.

[doyathink]

We are all human and fall short! I do it everyday. God does not expect us to be perfect, afterall he made us human. We have to remember that!

 

One sin is no worse than another and judgment is not our to cast!

[candy604]

yeah but he has his word to keep us in line and to learn and grow. but this isn't healthy for her or for the married man. clearly there is a problem.

[doyathink]

oh of course, i agree. But...we have to remember she came here for help..to resolve this, umm..problem. Not condemnation. She isn't happy either, thats why she's here. Right? Life can be so full of hurt.

[Hope75]

Hey There and Welcome to Enotalone.

 

My, it seems as though you are in a pickle.

 

I am always leary of a man or woman who says they are going to divorce but stays on "for the sake of the children", and then starts a relationship with someone new. What is the point of staying at that point? The child in question is very nearly an adult, and can see her father is moving on. It is of no benefit to the child nor the parents in this case- so right off I question that excuse for staying.

 

And my second problem with this scenario is him sleeping with his wife "to see if things are really over". You don't need to sleep with someone to determine that. If it was over, he would have known long before, and not needed to climb into bed with her to figure that out. Also, he should not be with you if he is still having doubts if his marriage is over or not.

 

Honey, I don't know if I believe you are correctly interpreting the messages you say you are receiving from God- or if you are putting a blind eye to what's in front of you and using God as an excuse to do something and to stay involved with someone I suspect you know in your heart of hearts is not a good match for you.

 

If it were me I would love myself enough to walk away and find someone who treated me as I deserve, and who wanted to be with me and ONLY me and who SHOWED me this by NOT being married and sleeping with his wife. God would want you to love yourself and honor his marriage commitment too, and I think you know that.

 

I hope you will come back and update us.

[Emptyami]

I sincerely thank all of you for your thoughts and opinions. Once I found out that they slept together again I did tell him that I didnt want to see him or talk to him until the divorce was final.My problem is just having enough strength to stick to to. I have seen him I think twice in the last 3 weeks. Once he came to my daughter and I's birthday party. And he continues to call me quite often but now like before.

I know that the only right thing to do is to stick to my word, and then if this is from God then it will come to pass. I know this situation is not one that a Christian should be going through, but please dont judge or question my relationship with Christ. Christians are not perfect, they are human, only God can be perfect. I have been focusing on the word, church, etc. and both of us have talked to the Pastor as well.

As for his wife knowing about me. In the beginning she knew of me or about me but I guess she wasnt aware of how close we are. His wife told me that they are getting a divorce and that I can have him she dont want him anymore, he makes a better friend than a husband, she said just becareful and dont put him that high on a pedalstool. But anyway, I def. do not want to be the cause of a divorce...she even told me that I wasnt but I still feel as though I would be. I just have to really be strong and stick to my word about not seeing or talking to him unless the divorce is final. Then and only then will I know for certain.

I know it is hard for some to believe that this vision or promise would come from God as I know that you are not to commit adultery, however, I would never tell someone that what they say or have received is or isnt from God. That is between them and God. And who am i to question that. But I do understand your viewpoint.

In my vision I was at the altar in my wedding dress staring back at him in his tux clear as can be. It wasnt a dream, I couldnt have imagined this on my own at that point in the relationship it never crossed my mind. But it was during a spiritual guided imagery thing with my previous employer and the speaker told us that our spiritual person (in my case Jesus) was going to give me a gift that he is going to hold out his hand and give me a gift. Well instead of holding out his hand he opened his hand and pointed to the right of him and there the two of us were standing smiling holding hands at the altar getting married.

But anyway, I may be short changing myself, but I feel like I need to continue to be patient, continue to stand on what I feel God has shown me. I am going to try with all I have to lean strictly on God and stick to my word and not see him or talk to him until this is all over. I wouldnt be looking to get into a relationship right away anyway so I think it is best for me to wait right now.

Again thank you so much for all you help.

[candy604]

Just remember to discern your visions though, if you aren't following his word it's easily to have a vision that's not from God. Careful.

[candy604]

even though we may not be perfect, but we are to eventually be with his word guiding us, but it never says in the bible we are not suppose to remain unperfect. If it explains it plainly in the bibe you should not be in a commited adultery relationship, i think that's a first step telling you it's wrong. You can't disregard that the "thief comes to steal the word." The thief not being God, but satan. and he twists the word and he can give people visions they think are for them. So becareful and check the word.

 

Good luck. i'm sorry i don't see him as a strong christian

[doyathink]

I believe this guy wanted sex and his wife was available...thats the reason he slept with her, not to see if he still had feelings for her. He knows if he still loves her without having sex with her!

 

As for the 'vision' thing, well....people tend to say they had a vision from God to justify their own actions. I think (to me) it's blasphemy ! When are people going to wake up and realize our lord does not instruct people to venture into sin or to commit sinful acts. That is our own 'free will' speaking not God. However, if you feel God has told you this...that is your right, you are entitled to believe what you want too. Who am I to tell you how you should believe. Stay strong, I wish you luck as I know you are in a hard situation.

[itsallgrand]

I just have to really be strong and stick to my word about not seeing or talking to him unless the divorce is final. Then and only then will I know for certain.

 

Not seeing him or talking to him is a good idea. Stay strong, you can do it.

 

Question is: How long are you willing to wait for the divorce?

It may be months, years, or never happen. Meanwhile, you will be waiting and missing out on opportunities to find happiness elsewhere.

 

Post here if you feel the temptation to contact him. And I'd love to hear how long you are willing to wait for this man.

[Emptyami]

Well, for right now i am going to just lean on God and try to stay focused on God. If this is from God, then i am willing to wait as long as God wants me to. It is when we are about to receive our breakthrough when we give up. Were in that final round so we get tired and weary but if we can stand strong and edure w/out fainting until the end i believe it will come to pass.

[Shadows Light]

Ok.. Religious dogma and disertations aside. Lets dispense with the God allowed me to do it.. and signs signs signs...

 

This man is married. He is living in the same residence as his "WIFE"... they still attend social functions and dollars to donuts he introduces her as his "Wife."

 

If I had a dime for everytime a man told me how miserable he was in his marriage and how it wasn't a marriage anymore.

 

Darlin.. .he's having his cake and eating it to. Your problem is.. do you want to remain a side dish??? because that is what you've opened yourself up to.

 

Now that you are in the midst of it... Yeah its tough to close the door. However... close the door you need to to preserve your SELF-RESPECT. It doesn't matter what others or we think or say.. it is what you believe of yourself in your heart.

 

You have No right to be upset because he's slept with his "wife"... she is his wife. You have no control over that... its not like its an exclsive relationship since he's married.

 

Do yourself a favor and put a lot of distance and miles betwix you and this man. Shut the door..walk away... and get on with it. Get your self-respect back.

[candy604]

girl you are wrong, even if you marry this man, how can you guarentee he won't find another close girl friend and cheat? Can you believe this man is a true christian when he can't follow God's word?

[Emptyami]

i may be wrong, but all sin is equal and he who hasnt sinned then cast the first stone. I cant be certain if i married this man or any other that they would be faithful to me, but he who thinks they stand take heed lest they fall. Im not perfect by any means, i myself have cheated on a previous boyfriend..but i tried talking to him over and over and he completely shut me out for over a year..when someones emotional needs arent being met then someone else will be out there to meet that need... and none of us can judge anyone else or say that we wouldnt do this or that because we are not the person in the situation.

Christian or not, sometimes we all fail and fall short of the glory of God...if you gossip, if you worry, if you fear, if you curse, if you have angry outbursts, etc..then you are no better than one who commits adultery or even murder in God's eyes.

Also, we are saved by the grace of God, he knows we will fail, and thats not saying its okay to fail, but God knows our hearts. Ive known this man for 3 yrs now, i wasnt even attracted to him before, i dont know what or how this happened, all i know now is that i fell hard and now i am willing to wait to see if it comes to pass. This next month his wife is moving out to live with their child and they are putting their home up for sale, so i dont know how long i will wait, but things seem to be moving right along now so i will continue to wait at this time.

[TheFallenShadow]

i find it funny that for everyone here, being so religioius, how you all can bash on one person for their indisgretion, better get how you can JUDGE anyone, when you havent walked a mile in thier shoes...and here i thought that God's word, was to help your brothers and sisters, NOT bash them and pass judgement on them....truly shows how much you follow the edicts of your faith or beliefs...

 

EmptiAmi,

 

Weather it be right, wrong or indifferant, if you love this man, then you love him, cut and dry. And no one can no what the future holds. Why God brings people together, is not our question to answer, only to be smart enough to know why. And take with you into life that knowledge. Quite frankly, i can understand somewhat your situation, and i feel for you, because at times, it can be a lonely road to walk. but as long as you believe and have faith in your choice, and want to be with this man, you will. Why? Because if there is a will there is a way.

 

Fallen

[Emptyami]

Fallen,

Thank you so much for your understanding and for not bashing me. God Bless you!!

[Hope75]

i find it funny that for everyone here, being so religioius, how you all can bash on one person for their indisgretion, better get how you can JUDGE anyone, when you havent walked a mile in thier shoes...and here i thought that God's word, was to help your brothers and sisters, NOT bash them and pass judgement on them....truly shows how much you follow the edicts of your faith or beliefs...

 

The thing about this site is that it is a public forum, it is not a religious forum, and when a person come and posts their situation, they ask for advice, they get it, from all races, all creeds, all ages, all walks of life. Lots of diversity and lots of life experience are behind the various replies they may get. Each and every person who replies, does so by volunteering their time, experience, personal feelings and knowledge.

 

Regardless of whether the posters who replied are religious or not- this situation just seems fundementally wrong, both in the eyes of God, and by using common sense. The man is married, sleeping with his wife, and still living with her. The OP is not having her needs met and seems unhappy with the situation. She came here, she asked for advice, and she got it, and personally I think she got alot of good advice. You will notice that alot of the advice actually advocates for her- to get out of a situation that seems unhealthy and unfair, and where she is not being fulfilled.

 

A public forum is one where people can receive all types of advice, so long as it remains respectful and within the rules of the forum. There are moderators to ensure that the posters are respectful, and that no one breaks the rules. So far all replies have been perfectly within the rules and have been thoughtful and respectful to the OP.

 

Yes, some may not be in line with what the OP expected or wanted to hear, but that is part of the diversity and beauty of this forum- a broad range of advice and opinions coming from many different people. Some posters feel more strongly against infidelity than others. Some posters empathize with the OP and see it is she is not happy with the situation as it is. It is not unusual that a situation like this may provoke some strong feelings and reactions. ... if you read an number of posts in the "Infidelity" section, you may find similar responses. Again this may be where the responders are coming from in their lives, or just an opinion they have formed about the subject. All opinions and advice are welcome here-- so long as they are within the rules. It is up to the OP which advice she chooses to heed, and which advice she will cast aside. In the end, only she will live with the consequences of her choices and actions, none of us will.

 

If she is looking for a purely "Christian" P.O.V. perhaps this is not the forum for her.