She is going to be there, should I attend?

[No Spaces Rob]

This question sort of spans both the 'healing after break-up' and 'career' sections. But I am more concerned about healing.

 

It has been about 4 months since a particular girl I worked with broke my heart and I have been having a rough time since then. I cried a lot, had counselling, etc. In the early days I tried getting her to talk to me a few times and I got pretty hurt. So I gave her space and while I tried to be friendly and neutral, she avoided me.

 

Eventually she left the company, for unrelated reasons. It was a relief to me for that tense situation to be gone, even though I missed her.

 

I'm now told that she is going to attend the office christmas party, which strangely enough is being held over 3 days in October. The christmas party will be on an island and there will be nobody else there but the 18 people or so I work with.

 

I don't want to spend time with her on an island. I don't want to undo all the beneficial healing that I have gone through by being forced to interact with her. I don't want to cry in front of workmates. And I don't want to spend the entire time avoiding her.

 

I also don't want to attempt to 'make friends' with her again. She has hurt me a lot, and even brought one of my friends at work into the matter, telling her some things about me that are unfair.

 

I am worried that if I do not attend, which would be practically unheard of in the company (it's an island! to ourselves!), it will cause rumours and damage me in the eyes of my workmates.

 

I really hate that she has been able to change me so profoundly, and being away from her was really helping. I really felt for her and loved her for who she was as a person. I really needed a lot of help from family and friends to get through this time. But I don't want it to affect my relationship with my workmates.

 

I could go to the christmas party and avoid her most of the time. This would be very uncomfortable and would make the christmas party not fun. I could go to the christmas party and try to be polite and friendly in a neutral way. This could be very painful for me depending on how she behaves, given our history. It would be weird, and given my past attempts I predict I would get upset. Or I could not attend, and suffer whatever office political fallout one suffers when they shun the christmas party.

 

I don't know what to do, and I don't really want to think about her too much.

[lozic21]

WOW! Christmas party on an island to yourselves? Have any job openings? Anyway, if she no longer works for the company, why is she going?

[Orlander]

WOW! Christmas party on an island to yourselves? Have any job openings?

My sentiments exactly. Don't miss this opportunity to have some fun...providing you believe you can manage to have fun if she is there. No Contact is a powerful ally and if you aren't aware of its benefits, I suggest you search through this forum and look at all the good NC has done to all the heartbroken.

 

go to the party. Smile, be friendly to her if she wants to talk and just flatout tell her that you are there to have fun and not to talk to her.

 

Now, when you go, dont forget to bring back pictures. What the heck do you guys do out there on an island all to yourselves?? Actually, nevermind. I may not want to know.

 

 

Orlander

[No Spaces Rob]

Our boss invited her as sort of a leaving gift.

 

I'm just worried that I might be kind of miserable there and I don't really want to be miserable around my workmates. I haven't been feeling very good recently, and I don't want that to affect work.

 

How does the concept of no contact apply when you are forced to spend time with them in a social situation with workmates? Sorry I'm new to this forum

[Siriana]

Well you can stay several days before the party at home calling you're sick. Also, don't forget to comlain few days before how you feel sick. If they don't know that she hurted you then they couldn't connect that this is your reason of you not attending.

But only one possible problem, if people get drunk she might tell everyone about it! If you are there it is not possible for that to happened.

Are you shure she's coming?

[No Spaces Rob]

if people get drunk she might tell everyone about it!

 

I am worried about that too. People will get drunk, and at one function a few weeks ago she told my friend at work some things about me. For instance, that I have been mean to her by ignoring her. I don't want to argue about it, but that is just the opposite of the truth. It just all seems to ridiculous, and it is. She is confused about it somehow and is trying to make up her own version of events. I wish she would deal with it some other way, like not trying to exact some sort of stupid revenge on me at work. When she broke it off and was refusing to talk to me I just wanted to be friendly and polite with her, and otherwise gave her her space.

[Considerate Empath]

Agree 100% with Orlander, especially the part where you pull her aside and tell her "I'm here to have fun, ok? Not to talk with you." and go back to the fun

 

If that doesn't work for you, maybe you could tell a white lie? Like... your mother/father/sibling is sick and you need to visit him/her at the hospital or spend your christmas with them? This will however put the girl in an easier position to tell your workmates all about the relationship she had with you...

 

My advice: Go and enjoy yourself, and if she loudly yell out something like "I HAD A THING WITH ROB, HAHAHA", just look like you don't care the least, and if your friends there asks you about it, just tell them something like "Yeah I had a thing for her once, so what?".

 

She will only affect you in any way if you let her.

 

 

//C.E.

[No Spaces Rob]

Thanks all for your advice sofar.

 

if she loudly yell out something like "I HAD A THING WITH ROB, HAHAHA",

 

Knowing her very well, I think she would be more likely to be more passive. She would be friendly to everyone else there and cold to me, and if she does talk about things, it will be to quietly tell someone something behind my back, when I am not in earshot. She has a very low self-esteem too and believed some things that weren't true, and she was actually quite depressed a lot of the time I knew her (about her job, as far as I could tell). I think I was attracted to her partially because she was so timid.

 

I a way, I know that I can put up with her, because I worked with her for six weeks afterwards. I worried about her and tried to figure out why she was acting the way she did and felt bad about myself and cried and all that sort of stuff, but I did survive. I really wanted to remain friends and she made me feel guilty, which I realise is now ridiculous and I feel like a bit of a fool. Hearing that she had been telling P stuff about me did make me upset but I am still here, surviving.

[heloladies21]

If you don't feel like you are 100% over it, and it's obvious that you're not, skip the party. So many different excuses you could make up, and no need to worry about what she says. She would say it regardless if you were there or not.

[Captain34]

Rob in my opnion you should absoluetly 100% go to this Christmas party. You still work for teh company, she does not...meaning that although she has been welcomed to attend, it is still technically your territory. another point, I feel like men become overly concerned about the negative effects of ignoring women...especially when they are hoping for attention from you in some way. If I were you, I would go to the party without ever having mentioned the situation to any other coworkers (except maybe one wingman you are close with who can get your back), have a couple drinks, and wait for the moment when everyone is loosened up after a drink or two....then make a point to say hello to her and maybe joking wish her a merry Christmas (in October!). I wouldn't do it right away at the party, but wait until everyone is chilled out a bit, then say something like that in front of other coworkers so they can see how maturely they handle the conversation. then dip out and converse with the other 16 or so people who are there. trust me dude, women can go on and on about wanting space while still wishing to get everything they can out of you. if she goes to the party of 20 people or so she will be making the choice to put herself in the situation. give her a friendly and neutral reaction and I'm sure she will then make the effort to chase you or dig for a reaction after you leave.

 

btw, can you elaborate on how you found out she would be attending?

[Siriana]

If there is a chance that she will talk to other about you than you NEED to go. You will suffer later when you come home but that is not so important as attending the party and protecting your interest. Think of it as a part of your job that you have to do

[No Spaces Rob]

btw, can you elaborate on how you found out she would be attending?

 

A friend of mine at work, who is still in touch with her, told me. It's the same friend at work that I mentioned in my first post.

 

I really hate the whole situation, because I feel so hurt, and I feel so bad that I am hurt. I think she was passive-aggressive to me - pretending everything was good to my face, but shunning me through her actions. Inviting me out then cancelling multiple times, saying everything was fine but expecting me to guess what the matter was, refusing to talk to me but always having an excuse that made it sound like she wasn't avoiding me. And of course, giving me the silent treatment but telling my friend I had been mean to her by ignoring her.

[Captain34]

first off Rob, unfortunately these types of situations can bring out the worst in people...and usually these people dont even recognize how sh*tty they are acting because they are so caught up in it all themselves. If thats how you found out then she wants you to know she will be there. I would split it up into a few possibilities:

 

1) she wants to give you a heads up so you can be prepared and not surprised by her attendance. this would probably mean that she wants things to be on good terms between you and wants you to be able to move to that point where things are easy going and chill between you.

2) she wants you to know she is going so she can judge your reaction: will you hide away and not go? will you be all up on her and push for something? will you just ignore her the whole night?

3) she has a desire to get back with you, although i wouldnt peg it as being amazingly strong right now. in that case she is making herself available to you to see what you will do about it.

 

 

IN ANY CASE, I really feel like there is one best "angle" to play here. First go to the party! Second, you gotta be cool, confident, and composed, even if inside you arent fully there yet. Next, you gotta realize you are going to the party to be at the party, not to see her - so dont make your interaction with her your priority, make having a good time your priority. What I mean by that is not to rush to interact with her - let the party play out for a bit and when the opportunity arises, maybe wait and take the second opportunity....at that point say hello, hope she has been well, and wish her a merry christmas in October!

 

Don't get caught up yourself in the b*llsh*t that baurally comes about post breakup - i think taht is making things harder on you. the situation isnt that bad - if she didnt want anything to do with you she wouldnt even consider coming to the party.

 

hope i could help man. im actually looking for some advice myself - if you could check out my journal thread and give me your two cents Id appreciate it. good luck!

[No Spaces Rob]

the following piece of writing I have made should give you an idea of just how miserable I am right now. I don't intend to send it to her - I doubt that would be productive though if there was any chance it could make a difference, and I thought so, I would. But it is such a tragic piece of writing in that there is no way it could ever have the effect that I want it to have.

 

 

 

That is sort of written by my heart, who still misses her. My head, and my sense, is that she has hurt me too much and treated me too disrespectfully, and does not have the understanding of what she has done, to even understand what I might be going through.

 

I know you people talk a lot about 'no contact' - I have been practising 'no contact' through no choice of mine - she cut me out of her life. Though I have no idea if it would have been any less painful had she actually made effort to be my friend rather than the opposite.

[No Spaces Rob]

im actually looking for some advice myself - if you could check out my journal thread and give me your two cents Id appreciate it. good luck!

 

Thanks captain, I will do that.

 

I am completely certain that without any doubt there is absolutely no possibility she would like to 'get back with me'. If I even imagined that it would be doing myself a disservice - I have spent a long time coming to the realisation that that is only a dream of mine, and I wouldn't even want that now. Rather than 'get back with me', she probably would rather 'get back at me', like she did when she would walk by me in the street and pretend I wasn't there. I would like there to be no tension and no pain, and for us to be casual friends (not close friends) would be an ideal situation. Maybe you'd call it closure. I'd call it leaving on good terms.

 

It would mean so much to me, but to this point I have come to the acceptance that can't happen. But now that I know we are going to be spending an entire long weekend in close proximity, along with the people I spend half my waking life with, I need the tension to disappear more than ever.

 

So many people have told me that I should not let her know how much she has hurt me. Let her keep thinking she is the victim. That if she knew how much she hurt me by what she did, it would give her some sense of satisfaction and power. Why do I even care about her satisfaction? Surely, if knowing how I'd suffered made her feel better, that would be a good thing wouldn't it. Not to mention that I don't believe it. If she knew how much I'd suffered I don't see how that would satisfy her or make her feel better.

[stolenshadow]

Hello, I think those feelings of you wanting her to stay on good terms with you are normal but will have to go.

 

She is not a good person, you say you wonder how it would satisfy her to hurt you, well, you also said she has low self-esteem, there's the answer.

 

If this was any other person, a person who lied, tried to control your life and was all over the place with what she wanted, would you still want her around?, probably not, but I guess it's affecting you very much the betrayal part, how she changes abruptly, how she tried to put people against you, and that's of course shocking, but you have to let it go, because you had no way of knowing what she was really like and because you can't and won't change her.

 

If she's a mean person, no matter how civilized you act, she's not going to respond in the same way, so what's the best you can do?, live your life, the best you can, with that trip you'll have just act as if she wasn't there, ignore the talks behind your back, her games, her lack of them, whatever happens as far as you are concerned she's not there, she's not the person you thought she was, she's a stranger who deserves nothing from you.

 

If she's playing games she needs your participation, when you walk away it won't work and she'll leave you alone, and if she's not playing anything you win by ignoring her all the same, she's not worth your time.

[kiki]

i was in a similar situation last week, i was invited to a party with some friends and 'he' was there. I had not seen him since he ended things with me 2 months ago. Although we agreed to remain friends, i could not look at him -the whole time i was there, i just couldn't look him in the eye. Instead i focused on having myself a great time and even made some new friends

 

i did speak to him a few times.. but i just found it awkward, but acted civil towards him, and kept a distance away from him.. i.e: made sure we didnt sit together or i made sure i was with another friend so i wont end up alone with him

 

In my experience, seeing him = me ending up going home and feeling as if he split up with me all over again- i was crying in my sleep, despite having a great time at that party, after that.. all i thought of was him.

 

BUT! despite that it did make me realise im not ready to see him again.. infact, i have not used msn, messenger, etc etc because i now know prolonged contact with him will only result in me hurting myself. if i didn't go to that party, then i would have missed a great time and missed out on making some new friends.. . By having a great time, i showed him that im happy without you

 

Whatever you decide, take it as a learning experience... if you do go focus on having a good time - have fun! If not then don't be hard on yourself, it's been a tough ride and if you don't feel ready, don't feel that you have to go just because it's socially expected of you to. You have done so well getting over her, if you feel this party will not help things- dont go

 

This is my experience anyway.. im not sure if it helps but Good luck, and remember to think of you first