A second chance...

[empty421]

Im sorry this is so long..

 

It all started two days ago when I finally decided to stop calling (chasing) him like so many of you on here suggested. He would always act cold and annoyed when we would speak on the phone before, and yet when he called me as soon as that night, there was a different tone to his voice, softer, happier. So after the night that I decided to stop calling him, after we hung up I felt better about myself, about the relationship, about my choices. The next day (day before yesterday), I again did not call him/contact him once, and was discouraged, depressed and desperate again, because he wasn't calling me. I was falling back into the same pain that had been killing me since the ordeal started. I once again felt I HAD to call him, had to chase him, but I went on here instead and spoke to friends, and at around 11:30 PM he called me. I could tell he wondered why I hadnt called him all day, and again he sounded calm and happier. Then, out of the blue, he asked me "so what are we doing this weekend?", which caught me completely off guard, since a few days before when I was begging him to see me he told me not to pressure him, that he didnt know, that he would see me when he felt like it and i was making it worse. So in a state of shock I said I don't know but i want to figure things out before we do anything, which I think discouraged him and he hung up to take a shower. He called me before he went to sleep last night about and hour later and I told him this weekend sounded great, and goodnight.

 

Well, yesterday rolls along, and im expecting the same thing, no calls until late etc... when all of a sudden, ten minutes after I get out of work he calls me and asks me if I would please see him today, and I said I would, but that I had to go home and do some things first. So we agreed, talked about some light things, and we hung up. On my way there I was so nervous, I didnt know what to expect, what to say, what to do, but I decided to let him call the shots, HE wanted to SEE me, so its up to him, I want going to push anything, I was fine waiting until the weekend. So I get there, we hug, and we act like friends for about the first hour. Then we ate, and he said "lets talk". So we did, and im not going to get into details because this post is long enough but we basically asked each other what bothered us each about each other/the relationship that caused us to fight all the time, and we apologized to each other and promised to try as hard as we could to stop the things that turned our little disagreements into huge, painful arguments. We promised to treat each other better and speak more respectfully towards each other even though we were upset. We figured out a lot of things last night, and we decided to give it another shot.

 

I am praying that this time we can really be happy, like we were in the beggining, that we can enjoy being with each other, that this will never happen again. And I know its going to be a long road, and I don't know what it will bring, but no one ever does. We are taking a chance, and if in the end, it dosent work out, althouh it would kill me, I will know that we gave it our best shot, and I will be satisfied. This experience has made me grow as a person and taught me that not everything is in my control. That sacrifice and self-respect can make a world of difference and that good people can lift you up and guide you when you cant do it yourself.

 

Thank you all for the amazing advice you have given me on here. You have no idea the impact your advice has made on me and my relationship. When this all first started I was so lost, so empty, and so desperate... and slowly, day by day, all of your kind words and good advice (although "tough love" at times) lifted me up more and more. I thought I would never be able to get through this and come out a better person, more mature, and more prepared for what life hands me, and yet I have with your help and the help of those close to me. All of you are wonderful people and life will bring you all the happiness that you deserve, whether it is with the person you were with or someone who will make your life so much better than you ever thought it could be.

It's still going to be a long road to getting things back to, no better than how they used to be in my relationship, and I know I still need support to gt through it. I will still be on here every day to help you all, to help myself learn from you all, and to give of myself like you all did to me. I wish you all the very best, don't settle for anything else.

 

Thank you especially to:

 

sillygurl, LostAngel, Lealing, Viper62382, mysteriousGIRL, lozic21, rose2summer, robowarrior, jman311, loveisaparadox, dogheadma, shelly7, Irishman, menotyou, candy604

 

you all made a world of difference...I can only hope i can do the same for all of you

[drninja]

Congratulations empty! I'm so glad that you got to have that second chance with your ex. It sounds like both of you got what you wanted, at least for the time being. I hope that you are able to work through the problems you had in the past. It's 100% possible if you both give it all you've got.

 

May I ask how much time passed before the initial breakup and your reconciliation? I know I read your previous thread but I do not remember all the details.

[rose2summer]

Ahhh, gee thanks empty, I feel so honored to be in your thank you crowd!!!

 

I am happy for you that you are giving the relationship another chance.

 

I must tell you, however, to be cautious.

 

friscodj once told me on here, when I was thinking of returning to my ex, let's see if I can sum it up,

If you have a ship and it begins sinking, you lose part of the crew, you can get the ship back to floating again, but the ship will never be the same without all of its crew.

 

Keep that in mind, your relationship will never return to the "good old days."

 

It will be different and somewhat new.

 

I wish you success in your attempts here at salvaging it, but remember, it may be a difficult task.

 

Good luck my friend,

 

Rose

[LostAngel]

Hi emty

 

 

I'm so happy for you, finally some good news.

'BIG HUGS'

 

All I can say is take a day at a time & be the best you, you can be.

 

 

Things aren't always going to be easy & you guys will have your fights. I have been there...In the beginning everything may be all fine but just hang in there & try to not fall into the same pattern or have the same actions as this time that caused you to break up. Keep working at things & try your best. When things get rough, come here & see if we can help or stay calm & speak to him about stuff & sort it out as soon as you can. Together.

 

 

Stay strong & all the best for you. We are here. You know you can PM me anytime.

 

 

 

LostAngel

[empty421]

drninga.. i was two weeks since the break up actually happened, but months since we were unhappy, not even happy to see eachother anymore, distant, and fighting all the time... i guess i should have seen it coming, i just thought I never would... the break up was a wake up call, and only by me not chasing him, following the advice of those here (or trying to) from the start, have I been able to grow as a person and try to change certain things for the better and ask him to do the same... things are far from normal still... and its a long road... we will see what happens, but for now I am trying to be hopeful..

 

im being cautious rose, I know it wont be the same, but I dont want it to be the same, I want it to be new... I hope we cant work things out, and I know it will be a long (difficult) road, but if it dosent work out at least I can find comfort in knowing I gave it my best shot... as much as it will hurt, at least I cant feel like I tried... we will see what happens in the days to come... thank you all so much for your support, and rose2summer of course you were on my list!! you were the first person too give me really good advice and knock some sense into me!! i will always be here for you too..for all of you...

 

thank you

[Lealing]

Hi Empty!

 

Just wanted to say congrats on getting your second chance at the relationship. Hope that all goes well for you.

 

Lealing

[empty421]

LostAngel, thank you and I will still be visting this board every day! All of your advice and kind words have made a world of difference... i am here for you all the time as well... I know you are going through a lot too, we all are... and you can PM me anytime, for any reason... I know i will still need advice and help from you all in trying to fix things... and if it dosent work out I know i have an online "family" to help lift me up and get me through it again... i am here for all of you and you all still need to be here for me...

 

its not going to be easy to change habits that are years old...

 

thank you lealing!! i am still going to be here all the time!!

 

The time that we were apart I realized a lot of things about myself, and things that I did to contribute to what our relationship was becoming, and I have to try to fix them , as I truly believe he will try to work on his shortcomings.. for example I never was "always there for him" as he was always there when I needed him, no matter how inconvinent... i would get angry over petty things and yell at him, not let him talk, force my point on him when all it required was a conversation, I would not give him time when he needed to cool down, whenever he got upset at me I would get angry (usually because I knew I was wrong), I hope I can change these things... or at least get better with them... but like i said i know its hard for anyone to really change forever, and it usually only lasts a while.. we will see where this goes.. i still need you all..

[rose2summer]

empty,

 

Thank you so much for your very kind comments.

 

I will always be here to listen.

 

I really sincerely care about your well-being.

 

And I wish the best for you.

 

PM me anytime or post.

 

Hugs,

Rose

[empty421]

rose2summer,

 

I feel the same for you and I will always be here for help, support, or just to talk when you need it. I know you will find happiness in your life and a love greater than you can imagine with someone who treats you like you are their world, and no less. You are a wonderful person with a kind heart and a lot to offer, and I know other will see that in you. You have been very strong through your ordeal (a lot stronger than i was) and you seem to be genuinely happy with yourself now.. congratulations... i can only hope to grow enough to be able to come to the realizations that you have and to become a better person for what i have been through... i will be talking to you... to all of you

[rose2summer]

empty,

 

You completely made my day, thanks!!!

 

I really hope great things come your way, because you deserve it.

 

I do hope as well that I will find someone who will treat me as if I am their world, but time will tell.

 

I hold no great expectations, just see what comes my way, and learned no more dating doctors!!! lol, the best lesson I have learned so far.

 

I am very happy now because I am no longer under someone else's control, no I can follow my dreams/goals.

 

Hey, is that your puppy in that picture, so cute!

 

I am rooting for you!

 

Hugs,

Rose

[empty421]

yea hes my puppy, "spot" haha very common name but he has a little tiny spot on his back so we thought it would be funny... hes a handful sometimes though!!... you will find someone, you will see!! you are a very strong person, and though it was hard to get to the point where you feel happy with yourself and under only your own control.. you did it, and you should be so proud of yourself, i know i am!

[rose2summer]

Spot is adorable.

 

I love dogs and now cats, they are a bundle of fun, I guess they are my replacement to nurture someone until I can have my own children.

 

I am thinking of going to grad school in Fl, I will ask you if I can dogsit spot,

 

Thanks empty for rooting me on, we can all move forward with the excellent support on ENA!

 

Cheers,

Rose

[empty421]

i hope to give you all some hope, but im going to need guidance as i try to do this... its not going to be easy....

 

i know how you feel all too well it was/is one of the most painful things i have gone through and ive learned from it... and it may happen again... i just hope to be stronger when/if it ever does...

[Viper62382]

You are getting stronger, we all are when we start taking the right steps. Its just we dont see it now, but we are working out very vigorously a part of us we cant see grow like we would see a muscle grow.

[lozic21]

Well YAY! Congrats that things seem to be looking way up! I was wondering how you had been doing. I'm glad that NC helped you even though it was just a couple of days. I still struggle every day...I'm just waiting til the day I can completely move on. (Unlike you I know my ex has treated me poorly and I need to move on, even though every part of me wants him back sometimes). I'm happy for ya, hopefully things get a lot better from here!

[dogheadma]

Glad to hear you guys are working things out! Just remember to always communicate, be open and honest, no games and remember the promises you have made to one another. If one of you should happen to start to slip into old patterns then the other should always give a firm but caring and gentle reminder to keep things on track. That's what respect is all about. Best of luck to you and I wish you both much happiness!

[empty421]

thank you all so much for your help and support!!

 

dogheadma thank thank you!! i know its going to be hard at times, and im sure we'll have to give eachother some "firm but caring reminders" sometimes.. i realized that neither of us had much respect for eachother before...that will hopefully change.. at least i know it will change from my half... its going to be hard, but hopefully we can do it this time... if not at least we gave it our all...i already see some improvement in the way we communicate... its been a while since i felt like things could actually get better, rather than worse

 

lozic21, you should be very proud of the fact that although you want him back, you dont let that make you ignore the fact he treated you poorly... no one deserves that and I wish you all the best in moving on... i will be here for you whenever you need me!! i will try to help you in any way, and you will find someone who will treat you like gold, like you deserve to be treated... thank you for all of your advice during this hard time that i went through.. and your support through this attempted reconciliation...

 

i hope to be able to help you guys too!!

[empty421]

things seem ok with everything so far, but i thought it would be awkward... i mean things dont feel completely back to normal (i didnt expect them to)...but we talk like we used to... we are planning on seeing eachother a lot like we used to... he mentioned us living together in the future again... i didnt think things would move along like this... its funny i still feel like i cant call him because i was so used to it... i dont want to mess things up, do you guys think we shouldnt move so fast even though it feels so right?? im trying to be cautious..

[empty421]

ugh... we already fought... why?? arent things suppoed to be "new" again??

[allzwell]

listen to your gut feeling, not emotions...

[empty421]

Thank you so much Viper, I'm sorry it took so long for me to respond.. I try so hard to think of things as "not worth it" but me not acting out towards him dosent mean i dont stay angry...you never know what will happen with millie, but you shouldnt dwell on getting back with her, you should dwell on healing for yourself... so that, in time, you wont feel this horrible pain anymore...i am here to help..

 

so here goes some venting an-almost second fight i avoided but i have to deal with in some way because it is a BIG thing for me..

 

when we went to eat dinner last night, after we had let the other disagreement go, one of his female friends from highschool (because he was reunited with several friends at the wake for the guy he went to highschool with) called him, he didnt recognize the number at first, but when he picked up and i heard a girls voice i was like "great not this s*** again (the majority of his "friends" used to be girls and most of them liked him) they made small talk (me fuming the entire time, trying to not let it show because thats the last thing i wanted to happen on our first real date since we decided to work things out).... he told her that he was going to eat dinner with me and for whatever reason she was laughing and he asked her why like 3 times and she didnt answer... wow i wanted to get on the phone and tell her to leave us a alone and go f*** herself... but i controlled myself pretty darn well for the way i was feeling at that point... and i tried not to take it out on him, but i found that the best way to do that was to not say anything just sit and smile and try to calm down and talk to him about it today (this is a big thing for me because i wanted to solve it right then and there at dinner but i knew i irrational because of my anger at the time)... he tried to explain the situation of "starting to see his friends again after what happened etc...and trying to make me feel better about it) without me even saying anything and the rest of the night he could tell it was really bothering me so he tried to make me happy and i tried to act happy but i was really REALLY upset..

 

it may seem stupid but it just brings back a lot of things from the beginning of our relationship that drove me crazy, the blatant disrespect from girls he was friends with whenever they called him, the constant worry, the constant arguments over the calls, i know its jealousy but it really makes me sick and i dont want to deal with it again...how do i talk to him about how this affects me without seeming like a jealous b****... i dont want this to start again... it really affects me...

 

and to top it off he dosent like when my guy friends have ever called me in the past even if to tell me hi..they have never disrespected him in any way... he just dosent like it... but his defense is that he has known the girl that called him since first grade and that thats different from meeting highschool.. i think that is bull****...

i know im not going to be able to handle this calling and/or seeing eachother stuff if it comes to it.. especially not this new into things.. and i HAVE to talk to him about it today....

 

to make things even better i had a dream about it and it was a really bad dream about the situation... which just pissed me off even more even though it wasnt real when i woke up...

 

so...help me out guys before i do anything stupid....

 

why do i have a throbbing headache right now?

why am i so pissed?

why couldnt we have just one, good, really happy night?

why did the b**** have to call??

how do i approach the topic with him?

what can i possibly say to not start a fight?

how do i get her out of his life again?

why can he understand and just not do it?

how do i calm down?

how do i do this?!

 

i never thought it would get this hard in the beginning

[ambi]

Hi Empty,

 

I am new to this forum. I've been reading posts of other breakups to try to find answers to my relationship. Your story is the closest to my current situation. My boyfriend was the most wonderful guy I have ever met. Honest, caring, selfless, patient, romantic, etc. I didnt know how to react to that since I have dated jerks who I always chased after. So i ended up constantly "testing" his love, throwing his promise ring back at him after every fight and disrespecting him in public when drunk. Well, needless to say, he got tired of it. This time when I broke up with him on my bday, he didnt come back to me like in the past. He called my punk card. Since May, I have been trying to get my old sweety back. He has stated that he no longer wants to get married, that he doesnt want to be "miserable" for the rest of his life fighting. He claims that he has changed and he needs his space. We got back together several times but he was never wholeheartedly in it. The sad part is, I realized too late what a great guy he is, and he's a differnt guy now. In July, when he realized that I had started talking to my ex again, he came back with full force and started showing me attention again. When I tried to bring up marriage, he distanced himself again. Its been off and on, off and on. We are always bickering. Three weeks ago, we had an awful fight, ruining a wonderful evening. Again about marriage. I thought it was over for good. He called saying he wanted to give it one last shot. Our one year anniversary was in 3 days as well as our first vacation. We had great fun on the anniversary, but the trip to Atlantic City was a disaster. Of the four days there, only 2 hours total were spent outside of the casino. I couldnt help but fight. It was over. A week went by with no contact. He sent me confusing messages and I caved in and saw him this past Thursday. We had a talk and he expressed his concern that the fighting will never stop.He misses how happy we used to be. I told him that i want to forget about the whole marriage thing and just work on building a solid relationship again. Concentrate on the present instead of the future. Well, we are back together and have been happy with each other. But there is something that is bothering me. He has expressed to me that I cannot fight with him or call him when he is out with his "boys." Sure, not a problem, if he didnt see them more than he sees me. We used to hang out all the time and do fun things. Now, he sees me maybe twice a week for a few hours, and claims he has to go home or be at work early the next day. But with his boys he's out 3-4 times a week, almost every weekend and till 4-5 am. Since getting back together after our no contact, we got a room. He had to leave around 7pm to see his mom (who just had surgery) and told me that he would be back around 10pm. I was very understanding and was sincere. Guess what, he called me at 10:30pm and asked me if it was alright if he could go out with the boys (even though he is seeing them tomorrow and Sunday). I didnt say no or argue like I used to in the past. I was honest and told him that we are seeing each other after no contact and it was our night. He told me that its never going to work because im doing it again. I calmly told him that Im not arguing, not stopping him from going, but am just asking him to understand where I am coming from. That calmed him down and he told me that he was still coming by but later. Later turned out to be 3:30am and he left at 5:30am. (He still lives at home, its a cultural thing) This is the same guy that used to call a week ahead to make sure I didnt make any plans without him. Should I just let him go, or honestly stay and give an effort and work on the relationship, instead of fighting about the broken promise of marriage like I used to? I do feel the change in him in that I honestly feel that he is making an effort as well to make it work. But then last night throws me off. He came for a few hours in the morning and held me all night. But he couldnt say no to his friends, and could not put his foot down that he already had plans with me. he used to before. At times like this, I want to give up, but that is what went wrong in the past, that i was so quick to get hot-headed and end things. I want to work on the basic level of our relationship again. What do I do?

[empty421]

Hey guys.. you all helped me a lot with this a few weeks ago and I need you all again for something else... I seem to think a lot clearer and make better decisions with all of your opinions...

 

 

 

please give me some advice... its driving me crazy