New relationship.. I'm scared - am I normal..

[Batya33]

Hmmmm - I don't believe in sharing feelings in the name of "openness" where sharing will hurt the other person unecesarily. It is totally fine to tell him where you stand - that you want to take things slow, perhaps keep your options open. But to tell him that you're anxious - and you are not sure why - what is the point of telling him - what is he supposed to do with that information other than rack his brain trying to come up with a way to reassure you (which won't work anyway). Ask yourself the tough question about whether you are truly acting in his best interests when you do that or whether it is so you won't feel guilty if you end things and/or because it feels good to let it out.

 

As far as not being able to control love - well, ok, you can't control when the magic hits you I suppose but if you think of loving as giving why not try being giving - even if you're not particularly inspired to be - and see how that makes you feel about you and about him. Instead of having long conversations analyzing your emotional temperature out loud to him, see what it is you can do to make his life more fun or more fulfilling.

 

One time about 6-7 months ago i was feeling the same type of anxiety you were - and yes I started to share that with my boyfriend. I didn't get very far. Unrelated to what I was saying (I hadn't said much of anything yet) he all of a sudden got a really bad headache and felt awful. He had to lie down. For the next hour, I focused on helping him feel better - and I was successful. Not only did my anxiety go away, I felt so close to him because I was literally healing him with my touch and my words. I was other-directed instead of over analyzing every twinge of anxiety. Try it.

[Rapunzelle]

Batya,

 

The reason I'm sharing with him is that first of all, I'm like an open book, it's obvious when something is bothering me. Secondly, he insists I tell him everything and be honest with him about my feelings. And finally, I don't want to give him expectations, for the specific reason that I don't want him to be hurt and I figure that by letting him know all this, he won't be too shocked if I back out.

 

I know exactly what you mean in terms of giving, I would like to do that, I just don't see many opportunities for it.. yet. Are you still with this man? Have you figured out what was causing this problem for you and how are you doing now?

[Batya33]

For me it's been a pattern in basically all my long term relationships and so the answer is "no" - never really figured out the root although I know it is a very different feeling than when I "know" at the beginning that there is something "wrong" or very "off" about the person - in those cases I might feel tense but I also feel quite comfortable ending things early because it seems at least somewhat clear what the cause is (such as lack of attraction, noticing too much insecurity/clinginess, not feeling comfortable being myself).

 

I see that we have different perspectives on sharing feelings. For me - being open goes hand in hand with considering the other person's feelings, so that I will - to protect another person - not express something or not express something in a different way so as to protect the other person from unecessary hurt (or I might express it at a different time if the person is going through a hard time at that moment - having a hard day or needs me to be there for him).

 

For example, if I felt repelled by someone's looks (whether man or woman) and I was asked "what do you think of my looks?" I could never see myself saying "your looks repulse me." I would not lie and say "you're gorgeous!" but I would find a way not to lie and yet not to express exactly what I was feeling at that moment.

 

Also, with anxiety, since it comes and goes for me in these situations, to share that with another person at that very moment seems unproductive - it might pass in a minute or so or by tomorrow but the person who is hearing it might not appreciate that or trust that it will pass.

 

In my situations, sharing that level of particularity has created distance and eroded intimacy and done permanent damage. On the other hand, if I simply say "I need some space now" or "I am just feeling down right now" that is enough for me to get the space I need and not subject the other person to something he can do nothing about. And, if the person can tell when something is bothering me I will agree that something is and say that I will be fine and need to deal with my feelings myself - that there is nothing he can do at the moment to help (which is true - sure, he can hold me and reassure me - but as I mentioned that seems selfish to me because it is so hurtful to him to see me that way and not know what to do other than knowing it has "something" to do with the relationship or him_.

 

Again that's just me. I am still in the relationship I am in (dating about a year now) and the anxiety actually is far less and far less frequent than it was with my long term ex. Yes of course I am concerned about what the root of it is but since I now see how it often is unrelated to anything that could possibly be wrong, and see what alleviates it, it makes it easier to take. It comes down to whether the loving feelings are stronger than the anxiety or the fear. I will say that by expressing my anxiety to my ex many times over - and as you know it can come at inconvenient times, etc - I did so much damage to that relationship - he became very distant from me of course because he was afraid of being hurt yet again by my acting out my anxiety. I will never know if, had I handled that differently - decided not to subject him to every description of every fear and anxious moment - we could have made it work and he would not have become so distant. I don't blame him one bit.

 

 

 

All relationships are individual so if the 'telling all" approach is working for you and your boyfriend, that is great. .

[Rapunzelle]

Hi Batya,

 

Don't get me wrong, I'm not telling him there is anything wrong with him, All I tell him is that I'm scared, because of my past experience where I hurt my ex bf by breaking up with him, I'm afraid of hurting him too if the feelings don't come. I told him it had nothing to do with him, but my own fear about the relationship, things I need to deal with. I also told him I was suffering from anxiety and was diagnosed with Depression, so am now trying St John's Wort and valerian root to try and help me with all this.

 

He knows that I like him, I keep telling him he is a wonderful man and that he is a great catch and I just don't understand why I don't feel 'in love', etc. We have very open and honest communication and he insists that is the way he wants it, says he is a big boy and wants to know everything that goes through my head.

 

It does not seem to be pushing him away AT ALL. He says he respects my need to take my time and is not 'going anywhere'. I don't know why I'm so anxious this never happened to me before except in cases where I knew I wanted to break up, but with him even though there are no big fireworks, he has most of the qualities I look for in a man. Boy this sucks.

[annie24]

if you are feeling this much anxiety and depression without a real cause, maybe you should consider going back to the doctor for some real meds. I'm not convinced that herbal meds are always safe and effective.

[Rapunzelle]

Hi Annie,

 

In May, my doctor wanted to put me on Paxil for 2 years. Paxil scares me to death, I have read so many horror stories when doing some research on Google, that I'm terrified. Plus one of my friends who was on Paxil says it was terrible for him, and weening off made him want to shoot himself. That's not very encouraging

 

I just read a whole book on St John's wort where as apparently studies show that for mild depression, St John'w wort was apprently as effective as other antidepressants without the side effects, takes about 6-8 weeks before we see an improvement though.

 

I don't know what to do to be honest.

[annie24]

I weaned myself off of lexapro and had no problem at all. everyone has a different reaction.

 

Really, you do seem to have a lot of anxiety and the source of it is not clear at all. i do really think you should talk to your doctor again. If you are having anxiety issues, st. john's wort won't help.

 

i mean, you are very anxious about your situation with this man... but there doesn't appear to be anything to be anxious about. what I mean is... these feelings are coming from inside yourself, not from something he is doing or not doing.

 

Really, talk to your doctor, see what they think.

[Batya33]

Hi Batya,

 

Don't get me wrong, I'm not telling him there is anything wrong with him, All I tell him is that I'm scared, because of my past experience where I hurt my ex bf by breaking up with him, I'm afraid of hurting him too if the feelings don't come. I told him it had nothing to do with him, but my own fear about the relationship, things I need to deal with. I also told him I was suffering from anxiety and was diagnosed with Depression, so am now trying St John's Wort and valerian root to try and help me with all this.

 

He knows that I like him, I keep telling him he is a wonderful man and that he is a great catch and I just don't understand why I don't feel 'in love', etc. We have very open and honest communication and he insists that is the way he wants it, says he is a big boy and wants to know everything that goes through my head.

 

Oh -I know you are not telling him that it is him - but he can't help but feel that way at some point (and even if it is not him, it affects his time with you in a significant way)- and he is also not your therapist nor should he have to be one. Just my humble opinion(!) but I think it's too much information that you're giving him - hearing about someone's baggage gets old fast particularly if it's the same thing over and over again. You also may sabotage any in love feelings because if you keep subjecting him to your anxiety and he keeps sticking around you may feel like "why is he putting up with this - is it that he cares so much or is he too weak/insecure to want better for himself?" That is not exactly consistent with the admiration that goes hand in hand with loving feelings, in my opinion.

He may like having the role of therapist and "rescuing" you but sooner or later he likely will not want to hear it and at some point it will hurt his ego even if you tell him it's not him (if he is a strong person himself). I have a close family member who suffers from depression so I know what it's like to an extent.

 

As far as the st john's wort - I am no doctor but what I know about it is that since it is not regulated/not given with a prescription you have no clue how it is going to react in your body or with other things you might be taking - that it is natural is irrelevant. That's just my limited knowledge on the subject - not saying it is right!

 

Good luck and be strong.

[annie24]

As far as the st john's wort - I am no doctor but what I know about it is that since it is not regulated/not given with a prescription you have no clue how it is going to react in your body or with other things you might be taking - that it is natural is irrelevant. That's just my limited knowledge on the subject - not saying it is right!

 

exactly. it is not regulated, you do not know what is in those pills. just because something is natural does not mean it is safe. it can have horrible reactions with medications you are already taking. better to go to a doctor and get a real prescription.

[Rapunzelle]

I was just quickly going to a neutral forum on SSRIs, and this is just ONE other example of a horror story: link removed

 

One of many, that is not to mention the enormous weight gains reported, flat emotions, and other side effects. I know St John's Wort is nothing sure, but neither are SSRIs, and according to the book I read, SJW shows very little to no side effects, including the commonly reported sensitivity to the sun. I don't know. I just am very uncomfortable with the whole SSRI thing, esp. when my doctor wants me on it for 2 years.

 

Maybe it's just too soon for me to be in a relationship? I don't know. Mabye I should just let him go, and risk regretting it later.

[Batya33]

Why not just tell him - if this works for you - that for right now you are not able to give him what he deserves in a relationship and that you don't plan on dating anyone else while you take care of you. Of course he can do what he pleases but you will contact him when you feel more clarity and hopefully you can resume at that time.

 

As far as the St. John's Wort, I have read and heard different things than you have but that doesn't mean what I have read is correct. I don't think the fact that it is herbal makes it any better than a prescription drug and could be far worse because of the lack of oversight and monitoring, the inconsistent dosages that might be in each bottle or pill, etc.

[annie24]

Like I said, I have been on SSRIs also. And yes, there are side effects, but they are different for every person. Most of my side effects went away after a few weeks.

 

To be honest with you... we are on page 4 of your topic about why you are anxious about the relationship.... but I don't really see any concrete reason for it. it is a new relationship, seems to be going well. He isn't doing anything at this point that is a "red flag."

 

Now... i am not trying to sound harsh here, i just want to help.... but you aren't a 15 year old scared girl anymore. you are a 38 year old woman. why not be ready for a relationship now?

 

If you don't go on meds, at least go to therapy and face the anxiety and fear issues that are making you feel this way. I agree with batya, your boyfriend is not your therapist, so don't lay all your troubles on him. go to a therapist, talk with them about your anxieties and fears and how you can overcome them. work out the issues from the past relationships, instead of transferring them over to the new guy.

[Rapunzelle]

Thanks for the suggestions, I have made arrangements to meet with a therapist in the next few days hopefully. He will call to schedule an appointment.

 

I know I'm 38 and yes I am ready for a relationship technically, that is why I don't understand why this guy is making me nervous. I don't know if there is not enough chemistry between us and that bothers me, or if there is something else at work here that is keeping me from going forward. I find him attractive, I just don't feel 'giddy' as silly as that may sound, as I did w. past boyfriends, and that bothers me a lot cuz he has a looot more potential than these other ones. Or maybe it's just that he's coming on too strong too fast. Who knows.

 

Anyway got an appt thursday night with a psychotherapist. Hope it will help me shed some light. On another note, I'm happy to report that I feel SJW is slowly helping me, along with valerian, a little bit with my anxiety. I still feel anxious but the last 2 days I seem to have less tendency to let it evolve too badly. Also from the same type of research I did for Paxil I did for SJW, and have not yet seen one negative comment, except for the odd one that says it did not work for them, either cuz their depression is severe or has been going on too long. Not trying to convince anyone here, I just think it's worth a try for at least a couple months. If it works and doesn't affect me negatively, why not. It is widely used in Germany and has been for over 10 years now.. doctors prescribe it to their patients with mild-to-moderate depression on a regular basis.

[Batya33]

All sounds good. Think back to the ones you were giddy about - was part of the reason - maybe - because they weren't as good a match for you and thereforeeee there wasn't a fear of this actually being long term? Or, put another way, did you find them more exciting because there was a bit of "bad boy" or some "taboo" habit or trait they had?

 

Sounded like you were fairly giddy/excited when he hadn't called you yet.

[Rapunzelle]

You are absolutely right. I actually had an appt with the psychotherapist yesterday instead of tonight, and he also feels I should not give up too soon.

 

I explained how I always had a pattern of being interested in a guy until he starts to get close to me, then I have a tendency to want to run. Although it didn't work that way with my ex h obviously, I was with him for 13 years. BUT there were times when I would wonder if he was truly the one for me. So I guess that's how I am unfortunately. He says we will try and work on that mechanism and where it comes from etc. I don't know what's at work here. The mind is a mysterious thing.

 

He also does not believe I suffer from depression severe enough to go on Paxil, says it is more of a situational depression caused by this whole thing, but suggested I try to find another family doctor to help me with the anxiety. Spoke to J last night (my bf) and we agreed to keep it to one night per week (weekend) for the time being and see how that goes. We will see each other Friday night.

[Cali Mike]

I'm going thugh a similar situation with the girl I'm dating. Since past relationships, all I've wanted is to be with someone good for me. I finally found a girl thats absolutely amazing in every way, shape and form. But for some reason I continue to let my anxiety get the best of me. O worry about being a rebound, I worry about her losing interest in me, I worry about all these things that really aren't happening at all. I know how she feels for me yet the fact that she doesn't want a relationship now drives me nuts. I want to take things slow and build something amazing with her but I find myslef stressing over every little thing. All these anxieties are clouding my feelings for her and I've been looking for a solution. Also, I did bring it up to her the way I was feeling about it. Reading these posts now I understand I made a bit of a mistake putting that on her. I just wish I could relax and let the relationship build naturally with a happy outlook on things for once.

[Yates33]

 

His showering you with compliments might be his reaction to you pulling away - making him feel clingy/needy. Also maybe don't talk to him every night - give yourself a chance to breathe, to miss him, to experience him as more of a challenge.

 

Sometimes when I have been anxious it has been because the guy is too insecure/needy, I am sensing that and that is a turn off. .

 

I think this is EXACTLY THE PROBLEM. It's not that your afraid to fall in love, its that unfortunately we are wired to respond to things that are a bit harder to catch. You now know you HAVE this man and he LIKES YOU, so there is no challenge any longer...no excitement...you are losing attraction. Knowing someone is a great guy/girl and being attracted to him are two different things. He needs to be a better challenge.

[daisy77]

Just bumping because I'm curious about what happened in this situation if Rapunzelle is still around these boards to answer . . .

[cazzabazz]

Just bumping because I'm curious about what happened in this situation if Rapunzelle is still around these boards to answer . . .

 

Me too...because I'm going through the same thing and would love to hear a success story!