getting back

[skate]

I know this has been asked...but i'm looking for stories about how ppl got back together (if any!) Like what the process was and how it happened. I mean if a relationship ends and you guys do NC for a long time and then someone initiates contact again....something more has got to happen for you two to get back...obviously it can't be pure friendship, but the purpose of NC is to get over it and lose those feelings, so how can things start back up again?

[theproman23]

Well I am not exactly back together with my gf or ex or what ever u wanna call her. We're taking things real slow, I stopped doing all the things I used to do try and fix the realtionship and its sort of working to a point. Its been a week and I am kinda of sick of it cause it just feels liks she does'nt really care. I went NC with her for a few weeks and she finds little ways of bringing it back up and trying to make me feel bad. Think long and hard with your brain not your heart before u decide on anything. I am sort of in this beause I don't want to be alone and I don't really want to abandon her cause I am pretty sure I won't be able to be her friend if I was'nt something more.

 

 

After hanging out with her for about 2 weeks, which was 5 weeks after we broke up, I brought up the fact that I could'nt just be her friend and that I needed more. I asked her if she was still attracted and she said yes and I said if that's the case and I still liked her then what the problem was. Like I said we're going real slow, we dated for 5 months and we're actually back to like holding hands and cuddling and stuff so I sacrificed a bit but I just want to be with her for now and am not really looking for a serious relationship right now.

[renaissancewoman101]

NC is supposed to be for you to heal, get over the breakup, focus on yourself, move on with your life. NC is not really supposed to be used to try to get back together with your ex.

 

You are supposed to move on and ignore the ex unless he/she comes back and definitely tells you that they want to get back together with you. But then, you should also reevaluate whether you REALLY want to get back together or not (like you are NOT doing it because you feel lonely, etc).

[tylercdurden2004]

NC is supposed to be for you to heal, get over the breakup, focus on yourself, move on with your life. NC is not really supposed to be used to try to get back together with your ex.

 

You are supposed to move on and ignore the ex unless he/she comes back and definitely tells you that they want to get back together with you. But then, you should also reevaluate whether you REALLY want to get back together or not (like you are NOT doing it because you feel lonely, etc).

 

And to add.

 

Make sure they are not trying to get back together because they are lonely, need a back up plan etc. If you start to get back together you need to be open but ask very very tough questions and pay attention to how they act. It failed once for a reason and you need to make sure this isnt going to go the same way.

 

To be honest its rare. Its even rarer that two people get back together and stay together. Always keep in mind there are millions of girls and guys out there.

[toonicegirl]

getting back is such a complicated process... so the best thing is not to do much about it... doing nc is the best solution cause you have time to think and the other person has time to think

[drum4god]

Here is my sucess story. My girlfriend of 3 months broke up a week after New Years Day. We liked each other for about 2 years, but for reasons too long to explain we never got together. When I finally got together I fell for her hard, and thought she did also. I read her wrong. After 3 months, she told me she didn't feel the same. I was crushed, but I didn't fight her, or beg her. I accepted it, and moved on. I came on this board posted my story, and I everyone urged me not to contact her. I took that advice, and didn't contact her once. No e-mails, no text messages, no calls. This was also difficult because we both go to the same church (we are both devout Christians). I saw her from afar a few times, and I just waived to her. That was the only contact I had with her.

 

Well 8 weeks later, I finally ran into her, and just talked small talk. "How is job, How is your mom etc. I then ended the conversation and said it was good to talk to you.

 

I was pretty convinced it was over, but she e-mailed me a few days later, and told me she wanted to see my band play, she was wondering what I was up to, and she had time to reflect and pray about the situation, and would like to talk.

After 2 weeks of e-mails, we meet at Starbucks and she tells me she missed me and has feelings. I was blown away, but still a little cautious. To make a long story short, we are still together, and things could not be better. There were definitely some bumps, but it had to do with her being afraid. We love each other, and I believe she will be my wife.

 

So it can happen. But here is what I did.

I totally let go of any chance of getting her back. I worked on myself. I hit the gym hard. That did wonders for me. It helped my confidence, and I started to look better than ever. I was getting hit on by woman. I even had a woman attack me (I'm not kidding) after I played a gig.

 

I said to myself, that as much as I loved her. I am not going to beg for someones love. I deserve better. I started to believe this, and I don't know, she must have sensed it.

 

I realized that we are worst enemy. We really are. If we changed our mindset, we wouldn't settle for the crumbs we get. You need to believe that you are the prize, not them. You have to believe it their priviledge to be with you, not yours. This is not arrogance, its confidence.

 

So my advice to you. Work on yourself. Yes, I know you have that hope she will come back, and who knows she may, but don't bank on it. NC is the only way to go. If she loves you, she will come back. Trust me she will. But like I said don't bank on it. Go to the gym, go to church, go out with friends, do whatever it takes to have fun and get your mind off of her. It will do wonders. You are going to have your bad days. Its normal, but whatever you do, DO NOT CONTACT HER! This will set you back.

 

If you do run into her. Be cool. Don't talk about the relationship. Don't ask if she is dating anyone. Let her guess. One of the best things about NC is it has them guessing. My girlfriend told me she wondered what I was up too, and later told me the thought of me with another woman drove her crazy. I am not saying that will happen, but you increase your chances.

 

But please don't go NC to get your girlback. If you do, you really won't make progress. Its been preached here a million times. NC is fo you. Not them.

 

Be strong brother. I will pray for you.

[skate]

I am not in a NC stage w/ him right now. After 2.5 months of NC we are just talking again. I cannot go back to NC right now as i feel it i would only be doing it to get him back. I will start w/ LC or at least wait till the point that i feel i can't take it anymore. I was at that point once last year, i initiate NC and told him b/c it was getting to a point that every conversation ending in crying and fighting and neither of us were happy in the end.

I guess i am just looking for stories on how ppl got back together and how two ppl acted towards each other, b/c i am in a confusing state right now on how he is acting towards me. I want to figure out if it is just friendly or something more.

[tylercdurden2004]

Good thing you asked because just last night I was going over some stuff regarding my relationship with my ex. I was in a LDR for 3 years and because we spent time apart email was a big form of communication, so needless to say I have things in writing(emails from her).

 

We dated and one year later broke up because she wasnt sure how she felt about another guy (a "friend"). 4 months later she emailed me wondering if we would ever get back together. During the 4 months we were in LC mode but still telling each other we loved each other. When she contacted me it was essentially "I am not doing as good as I say I am, I want to get back together at some point."

 

I asked some questions during our "getting back together phase" and ignored some red flags as I can see now. We ended up getting back together and living together for 6 months before having to go our sperate ways again. Eventually she came to live with me and 2 months later we broke up. Why?

 

At the time I realized over the two months that she hadnt changed. And that I was having to be the "pillar of strength" way too much in the relationship. She was doing nothing to better herself. Of course as most breakups go there was a degree of venting between us. Believe me I question myself a lot after the breakup, still do to some degree. Am I crazy? Was what I was feeling based on reality?

 

Well over the last 5 months I have been reading things, on here and else where and as much as it hurts I know I made the right decision. I tried every approach with her etc etc etc.

 

Now to last night. I decided to read over emails of hers I have saved. Emails sent over the course of 1-2 years the last sent 1 1/2 years ago. These are emails I havent read in years basically. I was so flabergasted by what I read. Red flag here, red flag there. Everything I was feeling and how I had acted really made sense.

 

Basically I ended it for a few reasons:

-She seemed to enjoy the attention of other men a little too much (of course I didnt want to be an ahole so I made excuses for her). In fact in our 3 years together she had 3 male "friends" share her bed with her.

 

-She was doing nothing with her life. She seemed to be in a constant state of confusion. Never took initiative and at the age of 24 has never accomplished anything. Really nothing.

 

-I seemed to be the one making all the real effort. Being strong and dealing with her constant insecurities.

 

Anyways as I read through the emails last night I saw some amazing things. In one email she writes to me "I know I have a problem with needing attention from men." In yet another one she says "I hate that I am lazy and cant seem to accomplish anything." And lastly throughout the emails she keeps saying "thanks for talking with me, I feel so much better after I talk to you." So as much as 2 years ago she was aware of all these behaviours yet did nothing to change them. And thats fine its her life.

 

What it comes down to is I should have walked away and kept walking. I took her back understanding that she would make the effort to change so that the same thing didnt happen again. But as you can see she is "lazy" so what was I thinking. Most people dont really change their behaviours unless they get seriously burnt, some people can change easier and some never do.

 

Breaks ups happen for a reason and the behaviours that resulted in the break up will reoccur if the if the "incentive" of being with you is less than the "incentive" of being single. Never ever take someone back if they couldnt find something better(common break up reason). Love is not relative its absolute and you want to be in a relationship with someone who wants to be with YOU not because you are their best option at the time.

[Viper62382]

Very well said^

[tylercdurden2004]

I should have said the "incentive" of NOT being with you.

[Oldboy]

In a nutshell don't settle for being settled for. Do NC to work on yourself.

Two things happen: You gain self respect and strength in mind and (if you go to the gym) body.

Second: everyone notices how you have got your life together and see these changes.

Members of the opposit sex see it and so will she/he.

[papalazarou]

Well I think I was quite lucky. I did get back with my ex, she realised that she loved me and I loved her after only about two weeks of LC.

 

I would have gone NC but as I was still interested in a relationship I thought LC was the way to go. However if it was a bad split (and thankfully it wasnt) then I would have gone NC and never saw or speak to her again.

 

In that time though there was no pleading or begging or texts etc. There were short phone calls how are you type. When I did see her fact to face a couple of times...I stated if we did get back it would be different (to which she said I know) and left it at that then talked or did something else. I was just very matter of fact about it....

 

In the end our love for each other shone thru. I think she also saw that I didnt need her which is always key in a relationship.

[empty421]

things are a lot like this for me right now.. although i did the whole crying/begging/pleading things when it first happened... it is when i stopped doing that, that things started to get better... and now we are trying.. and its a long road and we both have to change a lot of things and work hard at it... but if it dosent work out, as much as it would kill me, i would be satisfied knowing that i/we gave it my/our all and we just werent meant to be... i wrote a post about it if you would like to know the whole story, if not just know that things can look up, but you both have to want it bad,

 

the most important things i got out of the experience that I have to love and be happy with myself before i can truly give of myself, and that chasing them only pushes them away.. its is when you love someone enough to give thim the space they need/ask for although it kills you that they realize (if it is what they really feel), that they love you and need you too and they are willing to work on things together... i wish you the best of luck...

[Viper62382]

From a girls perspective, why do would they ask for space, but still call and contact you? She keeps telling me she broke up with me beuz she needed space and I didnt give it to her, yet she still calls and contacts, AND I live 1500 miles away.

 

Isnt this kind of ridiculous on her behalf?

[skate]

from a my point of view being a girl i think it would be more confusion than anything. Some things may have caused doubts and space may be an excuse. i honestly don't know what to say other than to try and remind them why they fell in love w/ you in the first place, as i recall viper, you were in a LTR so there was some real love going on there at some point.

[Viper62382]

do you think I have done wrong by cutting contact?

[Delusion]

NC is the best way to go. To reiterate what has been said over and over, NC is for you and no them. It's been hard for me not to pick up the phone, send him and e-mail or ask a friend we have in common about him. I'm battling getting out of my head that the NC will get him back and working on myself. It's true that if someone truly loves you and it's meant to be they will come back. You have to believe and have faith that everything will work its self out for the best. Hang in there.

[Viper62382]

Thank you. I just read peoples posts sometimes, and it throws me into confusion all over again.

[skate]

Honestly i have to say do NC when it is time. I did it before b/c it was getting to a point the ever convo ended in misery. My day would be great until we talked and it would make me into a person i didn't like and ruin it for both of us...that's when i knew i wanted to stop. You know when it is time...and it seems that you did find the right time. I don't think it hurts to give a call once in a blue moon (heaven forbid you broke NC) but the big step is realizing it is just time to do it b/c it is healthier for you.