I need help....I think!

[tristan]

I'm confused, yet I hold my hand up high and admit I am not perfect. I am male, 26 and my girlfriend is 22. She comes from a good background and money was generally not a problem when it came to things like education and private health care, etc. Whereby in my family you only saw a doctor if you were really sick and you had to work very hard to earn what you had. I am the only person in my family for example to get 2 degrees (or even 1, for that matter). In her family everybody except her has 2 degrees. She doesn't understand things like not having financial support for the aformentioned things. In summary she is a little spoilt in that regard, while on the otherhand she is a loving person.

 

While studying for her degree I helped her on a daily basis and her parents appreciate my help. However she would get very angry with me if I ever told any of her friends that I helped her to extent that I did. "Why would I care to tell them, and not just be happy that she achieved success" would be her defense statement. So I never did!, and acknowledged that although I am more qualified than she and that I can help her still in her career, I will have to accept that I will not always get the credit that I perhaps deserve. For example she may get offered jobs through her father (who is a powerful man), in things that I had taught her. On the odd occasion her father would introduce me to them, but they would not care about me and just focus on the fact that their friend had a daughter who was technically able to help them.

 

My problem is that I have worked extremely hard to get what I have and I love what I do. We both work at the same thing, and she doesn't enjoy her work as much as I. Only recently she admitted to her parents that she is not as capable at her work as she led people to believe and subsequently they brought her to the doctor and she now has had to take medication to combat "depression" so she can cope in her job and also see a councellor. While at the same time expect me to help her in the background and keep the whole thing a secret.

 

Up until now I have not been able to afford my own car. But I have been saving up and now I am about to make the leap. Upon hearing this, her parents offered to buy us a car instead. But I know that if this was the case then I would hardly get to drive the car as technically it would be hers. So I argued with her and said, "no I'll buy my own damn car". Which is my own pride getting in the way I am fully aware. But I am this way because I am used to working hard for things and I don't think there is anything wrong with that. So now that her parents know I am doing this, her father has been asking me what is my favourite car. Only afterwards I started to think that perhaps he is going to buy my girlfriend my favourite car, just to annoy me and show me that they are better off. She knows and every now and then will let it slip out that she thinks that she has achieved way more than I at her age. The truth is that she has, but there are other things that I have done, such as work 18 hour days without complaining, and not depend on my parents as much.

 

Her sister is very compeditive also, and went and got more schooling than her boyfriend so she could get a better job than he. And do you know what, she always has!. Only in the last few weeks he mentioned that he might go back to college and earn another degree. She couldn't hide her frustration at this idea and became very angry with him. It's very compeditive in that family. However her father really likes me, but unfortunately it's because I have 2 degrees, and perhaps he knows that I am very driven work wise.

 

But I am compeditive also, but it annoys me that no matter how hard I try to manage it, I end up being annoyed and jealous and I need it to stop.

 

Can anyone relate to this. Is the ultimate answer just "dude!, suck it up and get over yourself, you just need to be happy for her, even if it means helping her out whenever you can".

 

Thank you

[flower99]

Wow, I can see your frustration.

You've done well for yourself & congratulaitons on your success..Hard work is the best way to do it.

How long have you been dating this girl? I honestly don't know if she will ever be able to understand the concept of hard work & doing it yourself as long as she has parents that have money they are willing to drop for her.

So 2 things could come of this. this could continue to be a problem for you, her expect you to help her like her parents have. Or you can now start recieving help. You do deserve some after all the hard work you've done (:

 

When you said he was your gf what your fav car is, I thought for sure he was going to buy it, not to piss you off, but knowing that you will accept his gift than.

You've worked hard for what you got. I think you deserve to accept his gift...when else will someone offer to buy you a car? BUT make sure you & your gf work out a way to share it since this gift is for the BOTH of you.

[NJRon]

You did the right thing in not accepting the car. You aren't married to her. In addition, if her father got to where he is through any kind of hard work, he will appreciate your ethic here. It's not pride getting in the way, it's being proud that you don't need a hand-out. If you *needed* a car and couldn't afford one, that would be an entirely different sort. It's ok to accept a helping hand every now and then. Given the description of the family you have, I would not be surprised if she wouldn't hold over your head the fact that her father bought you a car.

 

However, as for the other competitiveness, that really needs to go out the window. Have you discussed your goals with each other? If so, do they match? I only ask because it sounds like the two of you are coming from totally different worlds.

[Beec]

First things first, you cannot be jealous of your girlfriend. You just cannot be, because if you are nothing else will ever work for you as a couple. Do you think she does not know you are better at the job than she is, etc.? Of course, she does.

 

Her father one of the reasons he probably likes you so much is because you don't want his money, you don't want his daughter for her money, and you are not accepting the things it can get you. Stick with that. Sooner or later that may change. If you marry her you are probably going to have to just accept some gifts and/or support from her family.

 

And you cannot blame your gf or her family for supporting her. That's what families do and are supposed to do.

 

What you really need to figure out is how much you will let that happen, and that will need to be worked out with your girlfriend. You need to figure out where and how much your values intersect, and if they don't what you can do about it. If your values don't match closely, then you have real problems, but see if she can understand that you are proud of the fact that what you have is your earned by you.