I don't even know what to do anymore.

[joeG]

Iv'e been looking through this site for about an hour now. And you people seem to know what you're talking about. This might be a little long, so bare with me.

 

I met this girl 5 years ago, our families spend a week together over the holidays. I thought she was rather annoying with a "little girl" crush, ignored her. It was obvious she liked me, but she was too young, and I just wasn't into it. So after a week, of ignoring her, we parted ways and never spoke again. Not to mention at the time, I was in the midwest, she on the west coast.

Well 4 years later, this last summer I lived at her aunts for the summer. She came up to the area for a soccer tourney, and happened to stay at her aunts house. The night she got there, the minute she got out of the car, she came running right into my arms. And it was weird considering we really didn't know eachother, but I felt something instantly. She had grown so much, and was absolutely gorgeous. So, that night, she sneaks into my room, we lay in bed and talk for hours. She tells me how she's thought about me over the past 4 years, just wondering what I was up to etc. We talk about our pasts. Come to find out she comes from a very abusive background. Was molested by her stepfather when she was 8, her mother found out, and stayed with him because "she had no where else to go", yeah, whatever. There is always some place else to go. She was beaten on a daily basis, by this guy, as was her mother. To this day, her 46 yr old mother acts the same way. Very selfish, her needs before her childrens, uses drugs, sleeps with numerous men etc.

The weekend ends, she cries, I promise to keep in touch. Well the next weekend I drive 5 hours to visit, stay the weekend, we had a blast. Soon after start dating. At this time we were 7 hours apart, I made the trip every other week to visit. Things were going great. She expressed to me how she knew how great of a guy I was, the first night we slept together and I didn't try to "get in her pants like every other guy". Constantly telling me how she's never felt such love, from anyone, including her family like she gets from me.

 

Well, 2 days after her 18th bday, her and her mom get into it (as they usually do every now n then). Her mom kicks her out. She calls me, tells me she doesn't wanna be there anymore and wants me to come get her. I drive the 7 hours, we pack all her * * * *, and she comes home with me. In the meantime her mothers manipulating her, begging her to come home etc. She stays, gets a fulltime job, I help her get her GED, things are going great. She comes back with me to my homestate(in the midwest) for the holidays, meets my friends and family. When we get back she tells me how much she loved it there, and we should move back there. Of course I'm excited to go back home, and bring this wonderful girl with me. So our plans are set, to save money and move.

 

Well a couple months later, a sudden accident happens in her family, that is life threatening. She gets a call, that she needs to come home asap, because her family member is more than likely not going to make it. I bring her back, stay a week, and leave to give her time with her family. 2 weeks later, her family member is still alive, but barely holding on. She calls me very upset, asking if I can come down, because she needs me to be there for her, and wants me to attend the funeral with her. Although I felt a little awkward, because I didn't know her family that well. I go. I'm there for her, go to the funeral with her, and give her all the support I can. A few days later, we talk, she expresses how she kind of wants to move back down there for a while, because her family needs her. And wants me to stay with her. Reluctantly at first, I decide to stay. Get a job. We move in with her mother AND THE DRAMA BEGINS!!!

The first night we moved in. Her and her mother got into it about my gf's past. My gf was hysteric, her mother was trying to play the victim "What did you want me to do" etc. I knew right then, neither one of us needed to be there. But we stay.

Things are going good between us, the occasional drama with her mother arrises every now and then, but for the most part things are good. We continue working, were always very close, not just as bf/gf, but best friends. She always told me how safe I made her feel, and she knew I loved her truly for her. Which is very true.

 

Well, a couple months later, things are still going good. She shows up at my work one day while im on lunch, in tears. Telling me her mother is hounding her about staying there, how she can get her into school there, how she shouldn't be throwing her life away for "some guy". I ask her what she thinks, she tells me she's sick of being there, and sick of feeling like her family doesnt care, and still wants to go.

 

Probably about 3 days later, we get home from work. She sits on the couch in the complete dark, I knew something was wrong, and sat on the couch accross from her just silent for about 5 minutes. She breaks down, hysterically crying, and I KNEW what was up. As hurt as I was, I went over, held her, let her cry on my shoulder. Finally she told me, she wanted to stay down there because she knew "It would be a lot easier to get into school", and she wanted me to stay with her. I told her I couldn't. I couldn't live in that inviornment, and if that's what she wanted to do I respected her desicion and would go home. We cried, talked, cried, and she convinced me to have this "long distance" relationship again. Me being 7 hours away. The next night, I start packing my stuff, she walks in the room and sees it, and breaks down again. I pick her up, like a baby, sit down and just hold her. She's pounding on my chest, saying all sorts of things "What will I do without you" "I need you so much" "Whose gonna hold me at night" etc. She calms down, our 1 yr anny was 2 weeks away, and she says she wants to come visit for it. I leave the next day, get home, we split the cost for her plane ticket, and things are set.

 

3 days after me being home. She calls, upset, crying, telling me she made a mistake, should of never let me leave, and wants to go with me afterall. Of course I believe her. Well since that phone call, instead of hearing from her 5-6 times a day just to say "i love you", we talk maybe twice, for 10 15 mins. This goes on for a week, I keep asking her what's going on, she insists she's just stressed out, but hasn't changed her mind. Then there's the night she doesn't call at all, I start to worry. In the meantime, she asks what if she just "showed up in my homestate 6 months from now, and called me from the airport" I asked why she would even say that, and she tells me cuz she thinks of it all the time, if things didn't work out, if she didn't want to play soccer so bad for school, she would have no doubt in her mind that she wanted to move with me.

 

The next day I get a call, she tells me she's enrolled in college down there, and my heart sinks. I keep my cool and say "So this is it then?" she replies with "Yeah I guess, for now". She tells me she'll call me later, doesn't. She doesn't call, neither do I, for 3 days. I finally call, leave a message saying we need to cancel this ticket. She calls back the next day, we talk about the ticket and I ask if we're just "not talking" anymore. She tells me "No, I was just scared to call you because I didn't know how you took it, and if you were to cry, so would I, I wanted to give you a couple days". Tells me she still loves me, wants me in her life etc. I don't even ask any questions, or for an explanation, wish I would of now. But I leave it alone. She asks me if I can put a "hold" on the ticket, so she can come visit when she has time. I tell her I'll look into it and get back to her.

 

She was working the midnight shift that night. On my way home about 1130 pm, I call her work tell her I figured out the ticket, but my phone was going to die, and to call me when she got off work. She asks where I was, I tell her the casino, and she says "Oh, well I'll call you when I get off, love you". She calls back not 5 minutes later with, "Who did you go with" "Did you talk to any girls" "Did you meet any girls", I start laughing and ask what's up with all the ?'s. She asks again, I tell her no, and tell her to just call when she gets home, and say bye, she stops me quick to say I love you, and says she'll call when she gets home. This same night, I call to arrange flowers to be sent to her house on the 17th, which would of been our anny. But instead I sent flowers with a card congratulating her on school.

 

She never calls back that night, this was last tuesday night. She calls friday morning, I answer and all I hear is "You are so effing cute" I act stupid, like what're you talking about she says "Don't play stupid, I got your flowers, you are so cute, thank you". We talk for few minutes, I ask why she didn't call back she says "I'm not going to lie, I was a little upset". tells me she'll call me later, and haven't heard from her since.

 

Now mind you, I haven't bothered her at ALL since our break. I haven't called once, haven't asked for an explanation, haven't begged for her to come back, nothing. But I really am hurting inside, extremely. Me and this girl were so tight, on a much bigger level than just bf/gf. And almost wish we would of just remained friends from the beginning, because we just click. We always made eachother smile, and always helped eachother out, with just life.

 

I don't want to crumble, I actually refuse to. I'm not a weak person at all, but this situation in itself is making me very weak. Like I said, the two times we have spoken since the break, Iv'e kept my cool. But I don't know what to do anymore. Not just that, but being 7 hours apart is hard in itself. I still plan on returning back to my homestate, prolly within the next month. We lived together for 9 months, slept together everynight, and she couldn't go without talking to me when we were long distance. Now all of a sudden, she doesn't care? I just wish I knew she was hurting as much as I am right now. Any advice or suggestions would be greatly appreciated. Thank you.

[Beec]

I think you are doing, or handling things, well. She's going to have to work through things herself. She's 18, she has to learn how to make her own decisions, and learn that there are consequences to her choices. One of those is breaking you apart. I think if you force her to do anything, you sink your future chances. I think the same if you committ to waiting for her. Hang on loosely. Don't let go.

 

Call her now and then, be there if she needs you, for most things. Don't talk too much about how you feel.

 

Welcome to ENA.

[joeG]

Thank you Beec. That is the thing though, I don't want to call her. I mean, I do, but I really don't. I feel completely out of the loop with her. Like, she just all of a sudden started not caring. We talked about moving together for so long, this is the last thing I thought would happen, as she talked more about the move than I did.

 

It's almost like, it doesn't feel like it's over. Even tho, we did break up. We didn't talk of the break at all. And weird things like, I left her a comment on her myspace like a week before we broke. Just saying 'I miss ya, can't wait to see you on our anny, I love you". She rarely gets on, but got on last monday, deleted that comment. But left her "in a relationship" status there, left all my pictures on her page, just weird stuff. As much as I WANT to know what all the reasoning for this is, I don't want to ask, and I don't want to call her to ask.

 

So instead I sit here, venting lol

[heloladies21]

You deserve to be clarified on the subject. If you are broken up and not happy with the current arrangement, this needs to be communicated to her. Think about it, if you really cared about her, why haven't you shown any emotion about this? Why are you accepting this in between limbo zone which she's put you in? These are not the actions of someone who cares, just the opposite.

 

So do this. The next time you talk to her, cut all of the small talk and spill the beans. Tell her you want to be in a relationship with her. If she gives you anything other than a yes, it counts as a no and then you have your answer. At that point you would cut contact and if she continues to, you remind her of your position every time.

 

This current method won't work to get her back and is only giving you false hope and preventing you from moving on. You need the definite answer in order to know which direction to take your life.

[joeG]

I agree completely with you Helo. I just almost feel like I already know what she will say. I mean, we "almost" broke up from the start, because we couldn't agree on where we wanted to live. So maybe that is the only answer.

 

I just don't get the whole "I made a mistake" thing, then a week later, she's holding firm on her original plan. So maybe I already have the answer? I just feel like we've talked about it so many damn times, before the break, it's a broken record.

 

And I KNOW she was expecting me, after she broke up with me, to be calling a million times, crying, wanting an explanation, but I didn't. She was always the one needing reasurance in our relationship, because of her past, and trust issues.

 

I know instead of wondering why things just fell apart like this, I need to ask, I guess I just don't know how. Because I don't want to come off as weak to her.

[heloladies21]

It's good you understand, you're a bright kid.

 

I just almost feel like I already know what she will say.

 

Don't leave anything up to any misunderstandings. Go get your answer, you need to do this for your sanity at the very least.

 

I just don't get the whole "I made a mistake" thing, then a week later, she's holding firm on her original plan.

 

This is common back and forth behavior for the dumper. It doesn't mean anything. The only thing that matters at this point is if she wants to be with you or not.

 

She was always the one needing reasurance in our relationship, because of her past, and trust issues.

 

This is advice on a side note, but reassuring in situations like this is a bad idea because it opens the flood gates for them to complain about it more and burns the feelings into their minds. Here's what I did last week with my current gf, when she started complaining about her ex cheating on her which she has mentioned a couple of times. I went very direct on her and said "That wasn't me, I had nothing to do with it, so I don't wanna hear it." Gotta dead it in it's tracks so it doesn't become a reoccurring problem, and in my opinion you sticking up for yourself acutally helps her get over it. Just something to know for the future.

 

I know instead of wondering why things just fell apart like this, I need to ask, I guess I just don't know how. Because I don't want to come off as weak to her.

To be honest, you don't need to know why. Most likely she wouldn't even be able to answer this question as they usually have a hard time explaining why they lose interest in somebody. The reason isn't important anyways, because it won't help you fix the situation. All you need to know is whether you two are together, if not then you can tell her that you want to get back together (if you want), and if she says anything other than a yes it is interpreted as a no and time to go No Contact.

 

Letting someone know you care isn't weak, it's letting someone know you care. Begging or trying to convince someone to be with you is weak. Just be very direct with her, this is no time for any kind of head games as they only cover up the underlying problems and the break up occurs at some point anyways.

[joeG]

You're right. I need to just be honest with her, and stop playing stupid "I'm ok" games. The only thing is, I REALLY don't want to initiate it. Maybe wait it out a couple days first, see if she calls? I know she is starting school tomorrow.

 

As far as her needing "reasurance" in our relationships. She told me numerous times she trusted me, more than she has ever trusted before. But, because she had been abandon by her family before, abused, sexually/emtionally etc. She almost needed this promise from me that I wouldn't let her down. Which, I never did.

 

And honestly believe, regardless of the outcome of this situation. We will eventually remain close. I truly believe, we came back into eachothers lives for a reason.

 

Do I truly want her back? Of course, but at the same time I am very proud of her for getting into school, because no one thought she would do it. She has so many old wounds from her past, that she has yet to deal with, I just want her to be happy ya know.

[Viper62382]

Helo, I am finally taking grasp of everything you have said to me. It feels so good to finally be on the other side of the bridge. Thank you.

 

I will post a new thread soon to keep you updated on the new events that will be taking place soon. Some help from you will definitely stear me in the right direction. I swear, it feels so good to have finally let go and move on.

[Beec]

It seems to me that it is rather likely that she is not a very strong willed person. From what you have written, I get the idea that she is within her mother's sphere of influence and that's where she is going to stay for now.

 

If you have a conversation with her, now is the time to do it, but once done, not again. She can know you are disappointed, this is not what you thought you had planned, not what you wanted and thought you had both agreed to do. Her feet have spoken though, so to speak, and her words, how much can they mean?

 

So, once you get that out, where do you go from there? You cannot allow her boyfriend benefits without you getting gf benefits. You cannot talk to her all the time and get friendzoned, which would really stink. And no contact for the next four years gets you not much either. The strategy I would follow is to keep some contact with her, if I could manage emotionally, without becoming just a friend, while at the same time looking for other pastures which may or may not be greener. If you find another woman, great, if not, contact with her may let you lure her in, but that's a difficult thing to do.

 

I don't see you convincing her of leaving school and her mother until all hell breaks loose for her there and she looks to you, and you are not there. And that's when she will come chase you. So you need to let her know that it's ok to call you whenever. When she does, there needs to be a limit to how long she gets to talk with you. There also needs to be a hint of sexual tension between you, no sexual tension has you heading for the friendzone.

[Viper62382]

If you are talking to me, there is sexual tension there.

[joeG]

I consider her a strong person for what she has been through. But I agree, she's not that strong willed. And her mother puts her down, just to pick her back up. It's a sick relationship, and her own family sees it. Her own aunt called me after this happened and said "I wish she would go with you, and get out of that inviornment, she'd be so much better off" then said "Mark my words, she'll last 2 weeks, and call you cryin".

 

Ya know, my family, and a few of hers keep saying she'll change her minds. And it messes with my head, because then I believe it. I don't want her to neccasarily come back because things don't work out there. I want her to come back because this is what she really wants. And obviously, at this time, she doesn't.

 

She knows she can call whenever. But when she does call, which has been twice in a week i a half, SHE cuts the conversation short, before I get a chance to. She says the "I love yous" bla bla, then lets me go. That's what I'm not getting.

 

It went from talking everyday, numerous times for the past year, to not talking at all, overnight. And I have my days I'm fine, and can deal with it, look forward. And I have the days like these, that I wake up just wanting to hear her voice, and it hurts so bad. I haven't heard from her since Friday, I just wish I knew why she wasn't calling ya know.