I don't know what to do......

[ladyjane]

I started dating my husband 4 years ago. We dated for the first year, lived together for the second year and have been married for 2 years.

He owned a bigger house then i did, so my son and I moved in with him and I sold my house. After a few months, his son moved out of his mother's place and into ours. The trouble started immediately...smoking pot in the house, stealing from us, break and enters, auto theft etc etc etc. He moved out just after we got married. We opened a business the same month we got married. my husband has run the business and i have continued to work full time. a year ago, my husband asked me what i thought about hiring his son to work at our store. i told him, not a good idea!! Two days later he announced to me that he hired his son and that it is his business, so he can do what ever he wants and i have no say in the matter. a week after that he told me that his son would only be working part time and that it would only be temporary for about a month. three months passed and i asked him about it and he said it is not going to be temporary, he has decided that his son should stay on full time and again i have no say in the matter as it is apparently his business (even though, i had to sign the papers for us to get financing) so, over the past year we have argued numerous times about this situation, with no solution, life has continued on.

I feel that he lied to me as he hired his son behind my back after we talked about it and agreed that we would talk again before we did anything. then i feel he manipulated me by telling me what he knew i wanted to hear about his son only working temporarily. he is still holding his stance that the business is his and he has "ultimate decision making authority" he will tell me things about the business, but my opinions and feelings about business issues don't matter. recently he has asked me to do the books for HIS business, but still don't have any say in it at all. His son told my sister that they made plans to open another store and that when they do that he will take over the store HE currently has and that my husband will open the new store, but they will remain partners. I confronted my husband about that he and said that his son is just excited about working with him and that even it that really happened it wouldn't be a bad thing anyway.

I feel that he is putting his son ahead of me by allowing him to be involved in the business and making future plans with him and nothing with me.

I also feel that he is using me to keep the business, i am good enough to do the books, the laundry, the cooking, the clean, have sex with, but not good enough for him to care about how i feel or what i think about anything other then homelife.

He suggested that we see a counsellor, i said fine, he said that he would look into it, but didn't, so i looked up a few marriage counsellors in our area and emialed them to him, he told me that he researed all of them, but we ended up going to see the first one on the list that i sent to him.

so we go to see the therapist, same old stuff came out when we were there, but this morning he informs me that the therapist even thinks that he is right and that this is all my fault and i need to get over it.

He will not budge on any of these issues, he won't even talk about them anymore, because he feels that he is right and i am wrong and that is all there is to it, my feelings are wrong and my thoughts are wrong and my opinions are wrong.

What is the point of going to a therapist if he is unwilling to compromise. is he thinking that she will make me see the light or what.

i am sorry that this is so long for my first post, but really don't know where else to turn, i don't have any girlfriends that i can talk to.

Please tell me what you think.

[kellbell]

Hi there and welcome to eNotAlone.

 

Well, you are in a tough spot and my thought when I read your post is to contact an attorney about what you can do about the business. I mean, your name is on the papers and probably your good standing is what enabled you and your husband to get a loan in the first place.

 

I really hate to play devil's advocate here but I truly believe you are being used, in the worst way possible. I believe your husband wanted a maid rather than a wife. I would stop doing his books until you have a say in matters. I really do not have much more to say except contact a lawyer and take it from there. I wish you much luck and let us know how you are doing.

[ladyjane]

thank you so much for your input.

i am not doing the books for him, i will not even make love to him, i just feel violated and betrayed and like you said used in the worst way. i hate to treat him the way he treats me, it just isn't in my nature to be mean, i am usually very quick to forgive and forget, but i don't know how else to treat him for him to get the message.

[kellbell]

Well, I learned the hard way that people will treat you as you ALLOW them to treat you. Try not be his doormatt or slave. Be assertive. Try telling him how matters make YOU feel.

 

For example, try using the assertiveness formula:

 

1. This is the way *I* see it...

 

2. This is how it makes *me* feel...

 

3. This is what *I* need from you...

 

By using *I* statements, it sounds less attacking and makes the other person be less defensive.

 

But I do have a question though from your first post....you mentioned you were working full time. Full time where? With this business, somewhere else? Because your husband may feel because you were not part of the business from the getgo and now want to jump into matters, he may feel a bit uneasy. I am not defending him but a little confused on that aspect. What exactly was discussed on whom would be responsible for what? Or were their assumptions because you two are married?

[ladyjane]

I work full time somewhere else, not in the business, we decided that i should keep working so that even if the business doesn't succeed we would still have an income, and also you need to show income to the bank in order to get financed. We went through the purchase of the building together, we renovated it together and we opened the first day together. in hind site i should have told him my assumptions and expectations, but i really thought we were on the same page.

I would agree with you that i did allow him to treat me that way, as i thought i was helping him by doing things for him to free up some of his time to do other things as the business was new and we didn't have a bunch of time together, i wanted to have all the household things done so when he was off of "work' we could spend some time together.

now it has mushroomed into me doing everything and him doing nothing, but making plans for him and his son's future and nothing to do with me.

I told him this am again how i feel and he got mad and left, that was at noon, it is now almost 9 and he hasn't called or come home, i guess this is meant to hurt me.

[robowarrior]

There's a limit to how soft you can be. I personally don't think its about HIS bussiness, he doesn't mind sharing the bussiness odeals with you. What really matters is that its HIS son, and that he will protect him from a woman who wants to separate him from his son (meaning you).

 

But i'll give you my stance on it. Because people influence and interreact with eachother we have the obligation to try to steer people into the right direction (because this eventually for the overall picture is also in our own benefit)

 

A child needs education, it might not be the best way at all what this man is doing in order to raise his son, but you aren't allowed to disallow him this education that he brings to his son nor for him to be together with his son, for him its his own son that he brought to earth, and thereforeeee there will be always a special connection, even if its in your total dislikement.

 

Now there's only so and so much that a person can cope with. Personally i do think you should have a share in the company, simply because you signed the papers for it, but he's leaving you at a difficult point in order to protect his son. Now in a situation where the son would be gone, both of you'd probably would have had a share in it all.

 

You might want to divorce and move out, and if you decide to stay you'd have to cope with his son still being involved, you must be where his son is not.

 

You know, you can't always get a pretty picture that's 100% correct in life, sometimes the picture is only 80 or 70%, what's important is that the overall picture is good, if it become under 50% or less, you might want to escape.

[ladyjane]

i hear what you are saying and thank you for your point of view. his son is almost 19 and has a grade 8 education. if it was mine son i would want to help him out all i could, but would i sacriface my marriage for it.......i'm not sure if i can answer that.