The more frustrated i get the calmer she gets

[Smitty1]

I cant understand the mixed signals and mind games. My wife and i came to the conclusion that we should separate, she more so than me. I started looking for a place for myself and then a few days ago she said that she would like me to stay and work it out. Since we have 3 kids i gave it serious thought, then one of the landlords gave me a call and said they could have a place ready for me in a week. The place is close by so she said maybe i should take it but it was up to me. I responded by saying i thought you wanted to work it out, to which she said i just want you to be happy no matter what. It sounds like she wants to retreat to straddling the fence and never appears fazed by the major effect the outcome will be from all this. I want to talk about it but she doesnt, leaving our fate to me. I appreciate any responses.........

[DN]

You can always find another apartment but it may not be that easy to find another wife.

 

If you think there is a chance of addressing whatever problems you both have and getting the marriage back on track I suggest you go that route.

[rose2summer]

Since it's marriage and not just a bf/gf interaction, I would try to use all resorts possible to make it work out. She is probably just confused right now, give her some time and some counseling to figure herself out.

[brando]

this is tough. I have read when a married couple is facing a divorce, a separation is always a bad thing to do. So that is something you need to consider.

 

I can't understand why your wife isn't overly concerned with working it out or not. She can go either way here and appears happy regardless.

 

Is she alwyas this way with her emotions. ???

 

Maybe suggest counselling, or some kind of couples retreat. Tons of information on the internet.

[rose2summer]

I have been that way with my ex, I pulled away, just wanted a little bit of space, and wham, be broke up. I didn't intend to break-up but my pulling away slightly without saying anything led to our break-up. You might want to consider that maybe she is just pulling away a bit and testing your reaction to see if you really care. And yes, women, including myself can play ridiculous mind games unintentionally. Give her another chance and don't move out.

[lozic21]

Agree 100% with rose.

[Smitty1]

I guess for men we are considered weak if we are in decisive, so if a woman appears confused about the relationship at a crucial time we take it as rejection. I could never conceive that maybe she was testing my commitment to the relationship so you may have something there.

[rose2summer]

Yes, I was stressed out with work, I pulled away from my ex ever so slightly, he kept saying are you seeing someone else, I said no, do you still love me, I said yes. Then he left and decided to search for another woman on an online dating site without saying we had broken up. He said he had felt rejected by me pulling away and wow, I was hurt.

Woman in general can be more emotional and so our emotions can make us indecisive. Please don't leave and give her another chance. She isn't rejecting you, she is just testing your commitment as you said, to make sure you still love her.

Be very affectionate and loving towards her, and tell her you never want to leave, and if she says leave, then you know your answer.

[Smitty1]

when you are the one in the situation its hard to see any way out. All your comments were helpfull, I would like for Brando to elaborate on why seperations are a bad idea, and rose you are the much needed female insight.

[heloladies21]

Nah, women will test you in a number of ways, but threatening dissolution of marriage...I don't see anything to suggest that. And if it were true, you don't want anything to do with someone who would do something like this. Most likely it's a situation of just losing interest which usually is a result or emotional boredom.

[brando]

Smitty,

 

If you leave your presense of course is gone, and sometimes the marriage at that point takes a wrong turn. Unless it is an agreed separation leaving your house is just that leaving. If both parties want to work things out, and want some time to themselves then a separation may help.

 

I always believed in out of sight out of mind more than I believe absense makes the heart grow fonder.

 

If you believe the statisics taken from divorces, it is found that once a couple separates, a reconciliation is less likely possible.

 

My ex and I separated and we are now divorced. There are no guarantess though even if you stay. You BOTH need to want this marriage to work and be healthier and happier than it was.

 

Best of luck,

be well,

brando

[rose2summer]

I know of several couples who separated to get some space but wanted to work on their marriage, with their time away, they got divorced.

Now, the couples who stayed together, and worked their best and holding the marriage together, no one moving out, were successful, yes they have rough patches, but they are still together.

I honestly think she is trying to test the waters here, to find out how you feel about her.

I know if it was me and you moved out, I would say goodbye to the marriage, and yes I would say I want the best for you. She needs to remain on good terms because you have children, correct?

If you walk out, it will most likely be over. You married her because you loved her, now try and stay with her.

I just can really relate to what she is doing and that's why I recommend staying with her and working it out.

I am more than happy to answer any ?'s you may have about why I think she is acting this way, because I have done the exact same thing before.

Edit to add: And I am learning here too, because I am seeing why it's not good to pull away because men take it as rejection so we can both learn here.

[brando]

The other thing to try and do is not get fustrated. Play her game back to her. Act happy, and as if everything is alright.

 

It almost sounds like she is giving you enough rope to hang yourself by telling you to do what makes you happy. If you leave, it just may be the nail in the coffin she needs to let the marriage go.

 

Very hard to say, you know her better than all of us.

[Smitty1]

I hear both of you it sounds like i should er on the side of caution, I was actually feeling self righteous thinking if she was acting indifferent and not begging me to stay that i would show her. So i dont want to get a divorce because of pride or immaturity so i thank you all for your help, we may still break up but it wont be because i left.

[brando]

I wish you the best, and i hope you bot get what you need from this experience.

 

be well,

brando

[rose2summer]

I am glad you are at least giving it a chance, not knowing what will happen, but as brando said, leaving/moving out will be the nail in the coffin and solidify a divorce.

Never expect her to come begging back to you when she is already pulling away a little bit. You need to act happy and not pushy or aggressive with her. Watch patiently as things pan out. Ask yourself an honest question. Do you really love this woman and do you really want to be with her? If the answer is yes, you need to stand by her side, unless she says, she has made a final decision to leave, then you leave, but I highly highly doubt that will happen, IMO. I may be proven wrong but I have a good feeling it will work out between you two.

Don't let it be like me and my ex. I pulled away, he drifted onto a dating site, I broke up with him when I found that out, and now he pursues me a great deal, calling all of the time, saying he loves me and wants me back, and I say no, I don't want to see him. That very well could parallel your situation, so be patient, and remember why you married her, for better or for WORSE. Here is the worse, her pulling away a bit.

[Riggz41510]

Maybe she feels like she threw it out there(by saying she wants you too stay) so if you still leave, than you don't care about the relationship/marriage. You guys have 3 children, so please try and exhaust all efforts before giving up. I know you may feel like the issues are so big and horrible, but just remember all relationships have problems and running away(unless there is violence etc..) isn't always good..

 

Now on the other hand maybe a separation may actually help. It may help you guys realize how much you love, need and appreciate one another..

 

My Grandmother told me this a long rime ago.. Never listen to your friends, and never make a decision while you're angry.. So think it all the way out..