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how do you react to this?


shellshocked
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My LDR and I have been really distant (no pun intended) since she spent 6+ weeks with me (mid-May until end of June).

 

We have been together for almost 2 years and have spent time with each other on and off all throughout the relationship. Prior to her coming here in May we had been CONSTANTLY connected (sms, phone calls, emails EVERY day).

 

We've always had an amazing connection, amazing communication and an amazing time whenever we were together.

 

During thos 6 weeks not only did she tell me repeatedly that this was the best time she ever had and had never laughed so much in her life, I also saw it...and felt it...and heard her say this to her friends over the phone.

 

Well, when she went back home, she said she wanted things to be less intense than they were. Also she has started something MAJOR with her career and it takes up alot of time. It's very mentally draining. (think about it being on the same scale as getting your phd).

 

So she has backed off tremendously, while I on the other hand became needy and emotional and clingy.

 

I don't know how to handle things she says.

Here's some examples:

 

1) Her: "I don't feel like I miss you or want you anymore."

Me: "Well then I don't think I can be in this anymore if you feel that way."

Her: "I don't want you to leave. That's not what I want."

Me: "Why, after what you just said?"

Her: "Because baby, we have this incredible chemistry. This sexual chemistry and this amazing intimacy and connection. I love how we communicate. We're so good together."

 

2) Her: " I don't like me when I'm with you."

Me: "????"

(a week later):

Her: "Are you sorry that you met me?"

Me: "No."

Her: "*sigh* Thank you. I don't want to be the person that you were sorry you ever met."

Me: "Well I don't want to be the person that you don't like yourself when you're around them."

Her: "What?"

Me: "You said that to me."

Her: "I don't feel that way now."

Me: "WHAT?!?!? So are you saying you said that after you just felt that in that ONE conversation?!?!?"

Her: "Well.....I may have felt it acouple times. I know I don't feel that way anymore."

 

And I have many more examples.

 

But, here's what I need advice on.

 

What the HELL do I do??????

 

I haven't heard from her since early yesterday, when I texted her saying I was leaving work and going out for the night. And told her to have a good night. She texted me back saying "I have a thought i want to share with you. have a good weekend."

 

What the...?!?!?!?!

 

So first of all, if you have something you want to say to me, PLEASE don't leave me hanging like this...just call me and tell me.

Especially after saying "have a good weekend", cause now i'm assuming that I won't hear from her for the entire weekend.

 

So....haven't heard anything since then.

I feel like I've had enough of this.

So I pick up my phone. Just about to call her and tell her that

I'm done with this....when I get a text message.

 

It says, "Baby, I want you to be in my life when (this thing she's working on is complete) (will probably be about a year from now). That's how I feel. I can't imagine it any other way."

 

And I haven't responded yet.

I'm not sure what to do....or say.

 

I feel like I'm on a rollercoaster.

 

Any suggestions on how to respond?

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I would tell her that although you understand she is busy with her career and you can accommodate that to a degree it is hard enough maintaining an ldr as it is without her becoming distant and playing push-pull games. Say that you have your feelings to consider as well as hers and you feel the relationship is out of balance in that way and that if she is not willing to find a middle way between her career and her relationship it would probably be better for both of you if you were to end it.

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The message she sent is classic push-pull. That was the pull part.

 

I would respond: "thank you for saying that but your behaviour recently makes me seriously doubt your commitment to the relationship and I am very concerned that it won't last the year."

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^^^I agree with DN.

 

Your girlfriend seems to be walking a fine line (in her head) between feeling comfortable in the relationship and feeling *too* comfortable in the relationship:

She backs off, you become clingy, she backs off further...

You get fed up, you back off, she steps forward..

 

From what I can see, once she feels secure about your feelings for her she freaks a little bit and backs off. But when you back off she comes forward with statements that indicate she wants to be with you.

 

As DN has said - Push/Pull.

 

Shell - you have to decide whether you want to be with someone that you have to keep slightly 'on edge' (ie worried about losing you) in order to keep them.

This may be something temporary that she is going through because of where her life is at the moment, or it may be a trait that is ingrained in her persona. (you know her better than we do )

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Oh, frustrating!!I agree with DN. Personally I'd rather know if someone's going to half- a relationship or not. If so, if they don't have the time or are not sure about how they feel about me, well, maybe right now is not the time to have that relationship. I can deal with that.

 

I kind of lost that connection with my boyfriend and tried telling him over and over what I needed, but never quite got it. Eventually I was about to walk when I told him again how I felt, that right now he didn't have the time to give me what I needed. Anyway, I made him promise to make us a priority and to seriously work at our relationship. And he said he would.

 

You know you deserve better as did I. It's fine accomidating to someone's life if you love them so much, but they gotta put some effort too in making sure you're ok and happy.

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Thanks everyone for your replies!!

I feel like things just keep spinning and spinning in my mind

and I feel so confused about all of this.

I really appreciate hearing how people see this who are

not as "enmeshed" in it as I am.

Thanks again!

 

I waited to respond to her, because I really didn't know

what to say...or how "I" feel about this at the moment.

(I mean, why is she texting me instead of calling?

it really doesn't make sense based on how things used to be.)

 

So I ended up saying:

"That's sweet to say, thanks for telling me that. What was the thought

that you said you wanted to tell me about yesterday?"

 

My reason for this was that I didn't want to sound too negative, so I wanted to let her know that I thought she was sweet for telling me how she feels.

I also didn't want to sound too gushy like, "ME TOO!! I hope we're still together then too!!"

I'm also curious about the comment she made yesterday...so I asked.

 

Not sure if this was the best response (or if there IS a "best response").

Guess I'll wait and see what happens. ](*,)

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Your girlfriend sounds exactly like mine. Reacts just as mine does and would. Its very frustrating, nerve racking, and unhealthy. if you love her as much as I love mine, I put up with it for now until the day comes where we can live together. The whole pull and push, emotional roller coaster up and down. What nationality is your girlfriend? Is she Israeli?

 

Feel free to contact me via PM to further discuess this and my experiences so far with my ex or whatever I can call her nowadays.

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Hi shellshocked,

 

Sorry, the opening lines of 1) and 2) matter. The rest is just to soften the blow.

 

I think she is heading toward looking for a career and by 2) she possibly has guilt complex / heterosexual intentions and realized that after spending a lot of time with you.

 

I suggest you let her go in peace and without regret.

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I hear what you're saying ntg, but not sure i agree 100%.

 

She's had a few lesbian relationships prior to ours (one for 6 years)

and is very out in the community and comfortable with her sexuality, so I don't think that's what number 2 was about.

 

What happened there (I believe) was that we were having a conversation about something that I was trying to organize...and she had this knee-jerk reaction to something I said and then she felt judgemental and didn't like feeling that way. And that's why she said that.

 

And not sure about number 1.

I think she's REALLY stressed out about this career thing.

Her words and her actions are not congruent.

For instance, after that msg of "have a good weekend" and me

expecting not to hear from her...she called me twice before

she went to sleep last night ("to say goodnight and to hear my voice")

and texted me numerous times while I was out last night.

 

I think I just need to give her what she asked for....less intensity.

And it seems like when I do that, that's when she wants more.

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I hear what you're saying ntg, but not sure i agree 100%.

... And thank you for providing more background info.

She's had a few lesbian relationships prior to ours (one for 6 years)

and is very out in the community and comfortable with her sexuality, so I don't think that's what number 2 was about.

I accept that she should be comfortable with her sexuality. What about "poke" her anyway by discussing affirmation counseling like FoxLocke is doing. See her reaction.

What happened there (I believe) was that we were having a conversation about something that I was trying to organize...and she had this knee-jerk reaction to something I said and then she felt judgemental and didn't like feeling that way. And that's why she said that.

Would one see this really as a big upset?? Or is she emotionally instable?

And not sure about number 1.

I think she's REALLY stressed out about this career thing.

Her words and her actions are not congruent.

For instance, after that msg of "have a good weekend" and me

expecting not to hear from her...she called me twice before

she went to sleep last night ("to say goodnight and to hear my voice")

and texted me numerous times while I was out last night.

Looks like she is instable. Just due to work? Perhaps also due to other reasons?

I think I just need to give her what she asked for....less intensity.

And it seems like when I do that, that's when she wants more.

Going back to those 6 weeks together, her reaction seems not natural at all.

 

Continuing seems one-sided, unhealthy and unjust irrespective of the reasons. How can you be happy? How will this relationship be in a year and in 5 years?

 

IMHO, counseling would help her but please watch out for yourself and don't expect too much.

 

 

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... And thank you for providing more background info.

 

and thank you for responding.

 

What about "poke" her anyway by discussing affirmation counseling like FoxLocke is doing. See her reaction.

 

Affirmation counseling? Could you point me in the direction of FoxLocke's threads on this....I did a search, but couldn't find it.

 

 

Would one see this really as a big upset?? Or is she emotionally instable?Looks like she is instable. Just due to work? Perhaps also due to other reasons?

Going back to those 6 weeks together, her reaction seems not natural at all.

 

Continuing seems one-sided, unhealthy and unjust irrespective of the reasons. How can you be happy? How will this relationship be in a year and in 5 years?

 

IMHO, counseling would help her but please watch out for yourself and don't expect too much.

 

 

 

Well, she DOES see a therapist (as do I) and I know that she has intimacy and commitment issues. She also did something last year (that was related to us) that I found out later her therapist told her that she thinks she did it as to "self-sabotage".

THIS is why I think because of the degree of closeness we had along with the fact that our time together WAS so good, that it was too much for her to handle and caused this distancing behaviour.

She's done this pulling back in the past too when we had spent time together, but not to this degree. But also, those times were way less than 6wks, so again, I can understand why this time it's bigger than the other times.

 

And again.

There's the added stress from this new work thing.

To tell you the truth, the easiest thing for her to do would probably be to

tell me to "get lost", but she keeps telling me that she doesn't want me to go.

So I think that says something. (am I wrong about this??)

 

Anyway.

I can't seem to find answers to your questions about me being happy in this (in a year....in 5) right now.

I think she's giving me the best she can right now.

And I know in the past that she stuck by me when I was going through some things.

So I think I want to (try to) stand by her while she's going through whatever this is.

The main part of her work will be done in Oct. I told myself that I'm going to stick it out at least until then and see if things get back to pretty much normal....or not.

 

If it does...then great.

and if not...then I'll know that it's NOT just this new stessor that's been

added and I'll have to make the decision to end this.

 

Thanks again everyone

for taking the time to read this and reply....

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Sorry, mis-spelled.

 

Oh thanks RC for your advice.

 

I definitely wouldn't see a therapist that blamed my mom for my ills...I see a gay affirmative counselor, and he mainly listens to me and tells me what I should do. So far all of his advice has helped me...

 

Not only do I blame my mom and my family members but I also harbor anger at myself. I regret not speaking up more and being heard. I felt that I had to be the perfect child all the time...and it hurt me more than helped me.

 

As it is all I can do is go from here. One day at a time...

You can click on the arrow above to get to the thread.

 

More a little later after I read and thought about it.

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I say this often: All you can be is a loving healthy partner to your loving healthy partner. Lot's of people and their relationships go down in flames because they bring each other down.

 

We tend to self sabotage when we do not like ourselves. Perhaps she needs another method of therapy like what FoxLocke is doing. Also could she sign up here? Sorry, I ask that often, there is only one young couple I look after on this site.

 

One point could be that she feels you are clingy so let go a bit.

 

The fundamental issue is how she runs her life and what her priorities are, not just a new work issue. How does she spend her time? 20 hours work and nap in between? I don't think so. Does she watch TV, how she spends her day?

 

As you said, she was there for you, be there for her. October is not so far off. Will you see her in October?

 

When you see her, work on being closer together. I wish you that it works out.

 

If it does not work out, next time, please avoid LTR. I feel as I am older, I am clingyer, I guess it's a good thing, but one should be together more.

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