Can I change his mind?

[confused2006]

Hi I'm new to this forum and hope all you intelligent people can bring me to some form of understanding.

 

I have been just turned down by a guy who was equally interested in me, simply because I was not jewish. He said he wasn't interested in dating someone unless it could become something serious or long term and as I was not jewish, that was not a possibility. I do not follow any particular belief and so I have never thought of culture/religion as being a issue in relationships. I most sincerely and honestly respect everyone's right to belief whatever it is they want. It has never bothered me and maybe in that regard, I'm a little too optimistic and naive.

 

I guess what I want to know is how "concrete" is this idea that jewish people only can date their own? And if I should even hold the hope that he'll change his mind? Is that even possible?

 

I really like this guy and I feel its quite cruel that we cant be together given we both really like each other.

 

Thanks everyone for your advice.

[NJRon]

I think it's as concrete as he says it is. Listen to what *he* said... not how *you* feel. That is your answer.

[RayKay]

Sorry, but those are his standards, and you can't really make him change them.

 

If it's important to him someone is of a similar religious background, it just is. I am not religious either, but it is important to me that I am with someone whom also respects that and does not pressure me to become religious or push their beliefs on me. It's the same for him, in wanting someone of similar values, and religious faith.

 

While there are many religions that promote you only date others of the same faith, it depends on the person how highly they value this (ie how orthodox they are). To him it is important.

 

I think you should move on, personally.

[shorty20]

unless you're going to adopt his religion, he seems pretty stuck in his ways that he will only date jewish girls. I don't think that's right for you to adopt a religion just so you can date someone. I don't know how old you are but I always go with the saying that if it's meant to be it will... maybe you could be friends and in time he'll realize that you're a great girl... but maybe not. I wouldn't get your hopes up too high.. if I were you I'd find someone that wasn't so set in their ways and religion, or someone that has more similar beleifs to you because that plays a big part in most relationships. Good luck!

[Batya33]

I am Jewish and since age 17 have only dated Jewish men because I would only marry a Jewish man. For me the reasons are religious, cultural, and related to values. It is absolutely not just for religious reasons and I am not particularly observant. I am not going to go into Jewish history or why certain Jewish people like me will not marry outside of the Jewish faith. There are many books and articles on the subject if you are interested - some may describe it in negative terms - this is a free country - everyone is entitled to his/her opinion - and others will provide the historical/cultural and value - based reasons for the reasons some Jewish people adhere to marrying only within their own faith.

 

It would be very cruel of this man to date you knowing that it can't go much further - he would be acting inconsistent with his beliefs and he would be leading you on unecesarily.

 

The other thing you should know - Jews do not try to get non-Jews to convert - in fact, a non-Jewish person who wants to convert to Judaism has to go through many obstacles in order to convert and work very hard to show his/her dedication to Judaism.

 

Good luck.

[confused2006]

Thank you all for your replies.

 

I guess the truth is I care a lot about him, maybe even more then I'm willing to admit to myself. I don't feel it unfair or angry that his faith/belief/culture have made it not possible for us to be - my mind can respect that. But because we "connect" on that deep and meaningful level, my heart...it feels a real sadness and loss inside.

 

"Somethings in this world you just can't change. Somethings you can't see until it gets too late" - From Brighter Lights, Matchbox20.

[n83]

If he's that closeminded, would you really want to have a relationship with him?

Since you mentioned that you have a great connection with him, leave it at that: he is a good friend, someone interesting to talk to, but nothing more. I hope you find someone else who wants to date YOU, not their religion.

[Mjane]

If he's that closeminded, would you really want to have a relationship with him?

Since you mentioned that you have a great connection with him, leave it at that: he is a good friend, someone interesting to talk to, but nothing more. I hope you find someone else who wants to date YOU, not their religion.

 

Woah!

Only wanting to date someone of your own faith is not closeminded! Jeez. Louise.

If you haven't noticed, people war over faith. They kill over clashes in religion. And if you've never lived in the south, they try and convert you to their faith.

Being of different religions is a compatibility issue... and a big one.

Being of different religions will be an issue in a marriage ceremony, how the family accepts the future spouse, how you raise your kids, etc.

Since you sound fairly non-religious, it's too bad he isn't open to a woman possibly converting to his faith. You see. Jewishness is passed on through the mothers. And he can't marry a non-jew and have his kids be jewish, even if he raised them jewish.

Those are the rules of religious law.

As well, depending on what stream he is, for example the orthodox would never accept a convert, conversion might not be possible. So, why would he waste your time and break your heart.

I think it's honourable that he's been honest with you upfront!

So, the answer here is no, he won't change his mind.