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I need help, something is REALLY troubling me about my fiancee.


engagedkitty
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I need help, something is REALLY troubling me about my fiancee.

 

He is really awesome, caring loving smart, funny, fun, and energetic

and all of that good stuff. And he never looks at other females

whatsoever and emphatically says how he would never cheat and etc.

However I found out from the wife of a friend of his who has known

him for 8 or 9 years about his past. She said now he is different no

doubt, but back in the day he would talk to 5 girls on the phone at

once (well, he would call one and right after he talked to her he'd

call up the next and so on.) She said he was like a player, though

she did say he wasn't really serious with any of them or anything like

that, but still. Also I found out that when he was 19 he was sleeping

with a 14 year old girl! Oh my god. Isn't that seriously wrong, or

am I just overreacting? Also when he was like 21 or 22 he was

sleeping with a 16 year old, who was in my grade at the time. (I am

nearly 21 and he is nearly 26 so the age difference isn't anything

now, but back then I probably would have found him to be too old!)

Anyhow he denied the part about talking to all those girls at once,

but did admit to the underage girls saying that it was a mistake and

he knows better now. I'm not sure if the many girls thing is true

because he is a VERY chatty person who is ALWAYS calling people so

maybe that's what that was, and that's what his friend's wife observed

and mistook it for something else.

 

However, though he says it was a mistake to do what he did, (I mean a

14 year old for christ's sake), I cannot forget about it. It keeps

coming back up in my mind, I know it is the past and he was younger

then but it bothers me. In my mind, that's child molestation! But

here in this county where I live, (in the south) it seems so common

for all of these guys to mess around with girls that young. It really

sickens me, for example the next door neighbor who is 20 cheated on

his 17 year old girlfriend with their 14 year old babysitter! WHat is

the world coming to?

 

But back to the situation... what does everyone think about this? Is

is right to question this or should I let it go as it's in the past?

And am I overreacting? I mean, I know when guys are younger and in

their teens they're immature and do stupid things they wouldn't do

now. He used to get into a lot of trouble and did a lot of drugs and

alcohol, which he doesn't do at all now. He's got a good steady job

and has a 3 year old daughter from his first marriage, and he's

wonderful to her. Should I be concerned, and is it really disgusting

for 19 year olds to sleep with 14 year olds or am I just being all old

fashioned and overreacting? Please heeeeeeelp, this is driving me

crazy and making me doubt things.

 

 

I posted this on another forum and did not get any answers, plus I've got something to add to this. Last night this neighbor kid was over, who is around 12/13, and he was expressing his disgust at the fact that his brother (who is the next door neighbor I mentioned earlier) is sleeping with a 14 year old. He expressed how he believed that was child molestation and how disgusted he was by it. I told him how proud I was that he was as young as he is yet knows the difference between right and wrong. My fiancee was silent as hell beside me. After the neighbor's brother left, I said something about "You know, he's right, it really IS child molestation.. . how could you have DONE something like that?" And he was annoyed (understandably, as I HAVE been bringing it up a lot lately) and said, "Look. I know it was wrong. I know at the time I was old enough to know better, but I was still younger and wild and at the time didn't give a f***. But I'm 25 goddamn years old, with a daughter, and I'd never do anything like that now. So please stop bringing it up, can we just drop it?."

 

I was like, "That's like a convicted child molestor coming out of prison for his time served and saying, 'So what if I was a child molestor, I know it was wrong now, so let's not talk about it.' "

 

He said, "I'm NOT a child molestor, so don't compare me to one. " I told him it's pretty much the same thing! You can't minimize the situation. You were SEXUALLY ATTRACTED to a CHILD. You had SEXUAL INTERCOURSE with a child, SEXUAL FEELINGS for a CHILD." He was like, "Let's just drop it," in the avoidance/denial sort of manner he's used to using. So I dropped it.

 

But it's still bothering the HELL out of me. How can I make sense of it? I just can't drop this. What to do?

*****

 

 

 

 

Edited cause I wanted to add some of my other posts under this thread so those who are coming back to read will understand the thing about the 14 year old girl.....

 

*********

 

that girl next door btw, was hitting on him (my fiancee) a few months ago. Me and my aforementioned friend were sitting outside on the back steps, and my fiancee was in the front talking to this neighbor guy, and I heard the 14 year old come outside, and I heard her say to him, "heeeeeey, what's up, how have you been, can I get a hug or something?" And her tone, was definitely flirty. He said, "No" rudely, annoyed. And she said, "What, does she (referring to moi) got you on lockdown?" Little blonde ****.

 

My fiancee responded, "Yes, and I Like it." then like a good boy, ran in the house and out the back door to tell me what happened, but naturally I had already heard. I went over and had 'words' with the girl and she hasn't said a word to him since, but I still wonder why she came outside all friendly and familiar with him, but he claims he barely even talked to her. He said the neighbor guy who is sleeping with her had brought her over one time when he was working on his computer but he basically ignored her and thought of her as a child.

 

But my point to this story is, I was wondering why she thought she knew him well enough to ask for a HUG? He was angry when I asked him about that, and was ranting and raving about, "NO, YOU'RE NOT GOING TO ACCUSE ME OF THAT, I'M NOT A CHILD MOLESTOR LIKE THE NEIGHBOR" and so on and so on. I mean denying it and denying it and going on and on and onnnnnnn, until he had me and my friend convinced he was being honest. Then we find out this information about his past.. . so again he's being hypocritical towards someone as he's done the same thing himself. (And while you all may think the 14 year old was being perfectly innocent, she wasn't. She goes around talking about all the guys she's slept with and how many guys she's stolen from older girls...

***********************************

So like I said, his actions say he wouldn't do such a thing... it's just the past indiscretions that make me wonder. His current actions don't make me suspicious, like I said, when that little 14 year old hottie next door hit on him he ran straight to me to report like a good little boy. Still wonder why she came out all flirty as if they've talked before, though... but he DID come to me and tell me what she said, and that's a good thing. Right??

 

***********

That's what my friend said. My friend believes he is completely innocent and it's the little tramp that started the whole thing. I pretty much believe that too, but because I'm so paranoid about these things I have doubt. But for the most part I believe him regarding that. But I must say, I believed him completely about that because he said he'd never ever mess with kids that young, and so on, and then I found out differently, which is why I have a slight doubt about that situation with that sl-ut now.

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Well, my opinion is that while yes, it would be statuatory rape at that age, and I would not condone it....at 19 and 14, sometimes there is not so much a difference emotionally and mentally...I would say he did not see her as a "child" as you expressed. Too young and illegal yes...but I would not go as far to call it child molestation, or begin comparing him to pedophiles.

 

I do know a lot of 15/16 year olds whom dated guys whom were above 18 when I was around thate age too. Again, yes, under law illegal, and I don't condone it, I do NOT think it is the same as a being a child molester.

 

I think two things...I think he is not that person. He sounds pretty regretful about it, and is not that person now. I really have serious doubts he would look at a 14 year old NOW as potential partner.

 

I think he asks you to drop it because what else can he say? He said he regrets it, it is not him now, and he can't change what happened now, right?

 

I think your options are either you also accept it, or you don't. If you accept it, you have to move forward and leave it in the past. If you can't, you either have to suggest pre marital counselling and see how to get through it, or you have to end the engagement, as you cannot keep punishing him for this now, something from a past he clearly says he was dumb for doing and so on.

 

P.S. Even this "friend" said he is DIFFERENT now. I don't know many people whom do not go through great change from the time they are horny teenagers through their twenties and thirties and beyond. So he called lots of women back then.....I would say it would be hard to find a guy whom was NOT interested in pursuing women (or men, whatever their choice!) and had yes, sexual interest too.

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Dude.. You're right, I can't keep punishing him for it, it's wrong. But it's not something I can just let go, I try not to think of it but it's on my mind all of the time. How do you suggest I move forward, any ideas? THis is haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaard, I'm horrible at letting stuff go, I just worry about stuff all the time.

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Dude.. You're right, I can't keep punishing him for it, it's wrong. But it's not something I can just let go, I try not to think of it but it's on my mind all of the time. How do you suggest I move forward, any ideas? THis is haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaard, I'm horrible at letting stuff go, I just worry about stuff all the time.

 

Well, I guess you need to look at why it is on your mind?

 

Are you bothered by the fact you never knew this of him? Are you worried he would somehow do it again? What is the trust level in your relationship? On your side, are you somewhat insecure about your relationship or yourself?

 

If you can really figure out exactly what it is that bothers you about it, other than it being as you said, just "wrong", it may help to figure out how to deal with it, and to decide if this is the REAL issue, or if there is a subtext to your worries.

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A 14 year old is not a child.

 

They are a teen with a developing/ed body and to say that he is a paedophile because of it is quite strong.

 

He seems regretful now and people do change and mature.

 

If you can't let it go then it is probably best to let him go.

 

Well, I can't let him go, I definitely don't want to. And even though he knows I have severe issues with this, he doesn't want me to let him go because of it.

 

Maybe I was being a little extreme using the word pedophile, but to me, a 14 year old IS a child. The girl next door for example, she's very much a child in my eyes. Looks like a child (in the face, anyway, she is developing somewhat) and acts like one. I'm 20 and she's a child to me, a child. I can't for the life of me understand how when he was nearly the age that I am now, he could have done what he did with a girl that young. Help me understaaaaand, lol. And I also look at it like this, just the year before a 14 year old is 13, barely a teen, just the year before that, TWELVE. Close enough, in my eyes. See, it's this stubborness of my opinion that makes it so hard to let this stuff go.

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He seems very regretful about it and has matured greatly, so I wouldn't hash through the past anymore. It may just cause more heart-ache than you will want to deal with. He was a teen when he slept with a teen, so it's less of a problem, not right, but not molesting either IMO. If his behavior truly bothers you though, and you cannot get past the fact that he commited those actions, it's best to leave now than get married and have problems down the line. Who knows? What if he keeps following this behavior? You need to look at everything from all angles. Have you checked his computer to ensure he has no child-related or under 18 teen pictures on there? Look into his background. I have a friend who married a man and found out later that he was a criminal with child molestation charges/prosecutions under his name. What a shocker!

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Well, I guess you need to look at why it is on your mind?

 

Are you bothered by the fact you never knew this of him? Are you worried he would somehow do it again? What is the trust level in your relationship? On your side, are you somewhat insecure about your relationship or yourself?

 

If you can really figure out exactly what it is that bothers you about it, other than it being as you said, just "wrong", it may help to figure out how to deal with it, and to decide if this is the REAL issue, or if there is a subtext to your worries.

 

Yes, I'm very bothered by the fact that I never knew this, ESPECIALLY since he's always joking my friend for dating this 17 year old boy, when she was 20 (and she still sees him now, and she's 21.) It's so hypocritical, especially when we found this out about him. And 14 and 19 is worse than 20 and 17... (Not that I condone her actions either, but hell I'm not MARRYING her.) Plus he was talking about how DISGUSTING the guy next door was for what he's doing.

 

And that girl next door btw, was hitting on him (my fiancee) a few months ago. Me and my aforementioned friend were sitting outside on the back steps, and my fiancee was in the front talking to this neighbor guy, and I heard the 14 year old come outside, and I heard her say to him, "heeeeeey, what's up, how have you been, can I get a hug or something?" And her tone, was definitely flirty. He said, "No" rudely, annoyed. And she said, "What, does she (referring to moi) got you on lockdown?" Little blonde * * * *.

 

My fiancee responded, "Yes, and I Like it." then like a good boy, ran in the house and out the back door to tell me what happened, but naturally I had already heard. I went over and had 'words' with the girl and she hasn't said a word to him since, but I still wonder why she came outside all friendly and familiar with him, but he claims he barely even talked to her. He said the neighbor guy who is sleeping with her had brought her over one time when he was working on his computer but he basically ignored her and thought of her as a child.

 

But my point to this story is, I was wondering why she thought she knew him well enough to ask for a HUG? He was angry when I asked him about that, and was ranting and raving about, "NO, YOU'RE NOT GOING TO ACCUSE ME OF THAT, I'M NOT A CHILD MOLESTOR LIKE THE NEIGHBOR" and so on and so on. I mean denying it and denying it and going on and on and onnnnnnn, until he had me and my friend convinced he was being honest. Then we find out this information about his past.. . so again he's being hypocritical towards someone as he's done the same thing himself. (And while you all may think the 14 year old was being perfectly innocent, she wasn't. She goes around talking about all the guys she's slept with and how many guys she's stolen from older girls...

 

So yeah in a way I'm worried he could do it again. He claims he wouldn't cheat on me and my friends think he's sincere, but if he was single I wonder what he would do with that girl I was just talking about. I mean, she IS what guys would call hot, and she looks more 16 in the body than 14. Obviously she's got the 20 yr old over there entranced enough to cheat on his girlfriend with her.

 

And yes I'm insecure about myself, and insecure about relationships, my last boyfriend (of 2 years) was cheating on me from the very beginning and I had no idea, and he was talking to underage girls where we used to work! And he didn't seem like the type to ever do such things. So I'm nearly convinced now that all guys would cheat or mess around with younger girls if they have the chance.

 

God, I'm stressing.

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Well, no, not all guys would cheat or mess around with younger, older, or the same age girls if they had a chance.

 

Whether you cheat or not is an INDIVIDUAL thing, not a gender thing..and certainly there are a great number whom would NEVER cheat. And...just because someone is "attractive" to you, does not mean they are to everyone else. And...just because someone looks or is attracted to someone, does not mean they are going to cheat either. Most people have a higher moral context than that, and are able to know what the consequences of that are..or love our partners and know that we would NEVER do that to them.

 

And....I would also say that it sounds like your boyfriend knows that it is WRONG for more than one reason - ie cheating, and illegal.

 

The neighbour just sounds like a flirt, and has some very low self esteem issues by the sounds of it.

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Yes I've checked his computer, hehe, cause I don't like men I'm with to look at porn. He promised to never look at it and told me I could check his computer daily if it would make me feel better. When we first started seeing eachother he did have some porn, but it was regular adult, over 18 porn, which he promptly gave away. And there's nothing on his computer whatsoever.

 

BUT, his dad, is a convicted sex offender, in Illinois. He is labeled as a 'sexual predator' for having sex (or forcing sex rather) with his 16 year old stepdaughter. He is 50. And I've heard this can run in the family. For example, again back to the neighbors. That guy who is sleeping with the 14 year old was molested by his dad, and so was the younger brother who was over here last night. It's something everyone in this little county knows and the brother was forthright and admitted it. Plus, their uncle molested his daughters too, and his nieces, and I also know the niece. Who was molested by both the neighbor guy's dad and her own dad, and those two men's father was ALSO a molestor. So that whole family has been molested and apparently it runs in the family. But I still can't see my fiancee doing such a thing, but still... his past bothers me. And what his father is bothers me. But I've looked at my fiancee's criminal record online and he's got nothing more than marijuana charges and vandalism from his younger, wilder days. I feel sorry for your friend, that must have been QUITE shocking.

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While I would agree that a 14 year old is, in many ways, a child. I find it a bit unfair to jump to the conclusion that his phsycology was all that similar to that of a pedophile (and that is what you really care about in the end right?). The one thing I want to say is that you should definitely get this out in the open and discuss your feelings, dont bottle up or store the conflict inside.

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I can understand why your fiance is exhausted... and I can understand why you are a little bit put off by what you learned... but I agree with other posters. It was his past, he's a different person now... that alone should be enough for you to let this go! Everyone makes mistakes, and it dosen't seem like he would ever do anything like that now! I think it's your insecurities that aren't letting you let this go because you think he's going to cheat on you with the babysitter or something like that... if you don't have enough trust in him to trust that he's a changed man then maybe you have bigger problems than you think. My fiance was the same way... into drugs, he treated women like crap... the whole deal. But he came into my life a changed man, and we are happy together. I don't hold his past against him and he dosen't hold my past against me. It's time to either move on from this and get over it, or let him go. It's not fair to keep tourturing him with his past. Good luck!

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Paedophilia is sexual interest in pre-pubescent children.

 

As a point of interest: my wife and and I were at a re-created Native American village just recently. At the age of thirteen girls would choose their husbands. By the time they were in their late twenties they would be grandmothers and matriarchs and by their mid thirties most would have completed their life-span and died.

 

We have extended our life span by almost double and also extended childhood but sexual maturity has not changed very much although emotional and societal maturity is very different.

 

This is not to condone young teens having sex but does illustrate the difference between paedophilia and sexual experience at too young an emotional and societal age rather than physiological age

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So he might be attracted to that girl (or other underage girls for that matter) but he knows it's illegal and he's too old for them so he won't do it????

 

Even if a guy knows it's wrong (cause a girl is too young) does that mean he can't still be attracted though? I just have a feeling even if he knows a girl is too young, if she looks good then she looks good. And he'd check her out. My reasoning is, if he had no problems with a too young chick in the past, then now he wouldn't either. Not saying he'd cheat or sleep with her, but in his mind, would he still be attracted?

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While I would agree that a 14 year old is, in many ways, a child. I find it a bit unfair to jump to the conclusion that his phsycology was all that similar to that of a pedophile (and that is what you really care about in the end right?). The one thing I want to say is that you should definitely get this out in the open and discuss your feelings, dont bottle up or store the conflict inside.

 

I see that you are 20 and a male, what is your own personal opinion about dating girls that young? And also, even if you wouldn't act upon such desires, would you still be attracted to girls that you know are too young? Is this how guys think? Tell meeeeee. I know everyone's individual, but it just seems that so many things are common with people.

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Paedophilia is sexual interest in pre-pubescent children.

 

As a point of interest: my wife and and I were at a re-created Native American village just recently. At the age of thirteen girls would choose their husbands. By the time they were in their late twenties they would be grandmothers and matriarchs and by their mid thirties most would have completed their life-span and died.

 

We have extended our life span by almost double and also extended childhood but sexual maturity has not changed very much although emotional and societal maturity is very different.

 

This is not to condone young teens having sex but does illustrate the difference between paedophilia and sexual experience at too young an emotional and societal age rather than physiological age

 

I see your point though don't agree with it. It's a different world now, I just can't see how a 13/14 year old is sexually mature when they've just started developing in such ways not too long before they've reached that age.

 

And scenario: say it was a 50 year old man, who had slept with a 14 year old. Would that not be considered pedophilia? Here, he would definitely go to prison for such.

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So he might be attracted to that girl (or other underage girls for that matter) but he knows it's illegal and he's too old for them so he won't do it????

 

Even if a guy knows it's wrong (cause a girl is too young) does that mean he can't still be attracted though? I just have a feeling even if he knows a girl is too young, if she looks good then she looks good. And he'd check her out. My reasoning is, if he had no problems with a too young chick in the past, then now he wouldn't either. Not saying he'd cheat or sleep with her, but in his mind, would he still be attracted?

 

You have to also keep in mind the context...at the time he was 19, and she was 14....that is VASTLY different then him at 25 and wanting to be with a 14 year old.

 

And yes, he can be attracted...because yes, there are biological things that we can be ATTRACTED too, and we don't wear blinders. And, when we are attracted we don't always say "hmm, she is really young - I should not look!". Damn, my sister looked 20 when she was 14...she regularly had to tell men she was WAY TOO YOUNG for them (and they would run away pretty fast when they found out her age). But that does not mean we want the person or that we would actually pursue those attractions.

 

Sure, if she looks good, she looks good. Maybe he has looked at her, maybe not - maybe not his type, whatever. I don't know. But, if he has looked it does NOT MEAN HE WOULD FOLLOW IT UP!

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BUT, his dad, is a convicted sex offender, in Illinois. He is labeled as a 'sexual predator' for having sex (or forcing sex rather) with his 16 year old stepdaughter....And I've heard this can run in the family

Run my dear friend, run away as fast as you can. This is not to be taken lightly. His dad is a convicted sex offender with a young girl and he has had sex with young girls. History repeats itself. I was just like you, my ex told me all of these problems in his family, gangs, drugs, physical/mental abuse, father attempting rape on his sisters, etc. and I thought, oh it's his family, not him. I started seeing that these family problems influenced who he is and he is incredibly manipulating/controlling. I am so sorry to say this, but if it was me, I would walk away right now. I know others on here are going to disagree, but I have a bad feeling about this situation for you.

 

Edit to add: Follow your gut instinct and look at the RED FLAGS

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I see your point though don't agree with it. It's a different world now, I just can't see how a 13/14 year old is sexually mature when they've just started developing in such ways not too long before they've reached that age.

 

And scenario: say it was a 50 year old man, who had slept with a 14 year old. Would that not be considered pedophilia? Here, he would definitely go to prison for such.

 

 

Yes, they JUST developed..or maybe not, I developed early. But, they still have hormones, they often have womanly figures. The brain does not think "wow, two years ago they were NOT developed". I would not consider them sexually MATURE, but I would consider them sexually developing, and believing they are ready.

 

 

Stat laws also have certain loopholes though...if someone is under 18, but their partner is within two or three years and it's consentual and the parents approve blah blah. I would say at 19, your boyfriend probably did not think "wow, she was JUST 10 only 4 years ago!". He said, hmm, she's hot.....and they were both teenagers, so in his mind it probably seemed like a small difference.

 

You have to remember that statuatory rape is considered different than child molestation. It depends on the laws where you are from how that would be handled. It would be considered stat rape, but it could also be punished more severely due to the dramatic age difference. Yes, still prison, if charged, but not for child molestation necessarily. Though, if in a place where stat laws are different, he could be charged with things like endangering a minor, stat rape, and so on.

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He has however said how repulsive he finds his father, and doesn't really talk much to him, nor does he respect him much, as his father used to physically abuse him. He does love him, that is his father, but he has expressed how repugnant he finds his father for what he did. His father denies the charges and says that his stepdaughter was out to get him, but my fiancee says he wouldn't put anything past his dad. Maybe that counts for something, the fact that he's sickened by what his dad did.

 

Then again, he said the same thing about my friend who dates younger men, and the same thing about the neighbor guy (who incidentally, he used to be friends with.) So maybe again he's just saying that to make himself look good? I'm not sure what my gut instinct says. It kind of says he won't cheat, so I shouldn't worry about those young chicks. At the same time it says, "but what if you two weren't together? Do you think he'd be sleeping with those girls then???" I have no idea. I want to believe he wouldn't, but ... his past speaks for him.

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God, I hope not.

What is your opinion of what rose2summer posted below you?

 

My opinion is that just because your parent/sibling/cousin/best friend whatever turned out to be a sexual predator it does not mean you will.

 

While those whom are abused tend to repeat the behaviour, it is not always the case, nor does this sound like this is the case.

 

I would say ultimately....go to pre-marital counselling together. Not just for this, but it can really benefit your communication, and so forth. Then you can also talk about this amongst a neutral third party.

 

But, if you do feel this way and are this worried, postpone the wedding until it is sorted out...don't marry him if you are constantly going to be checking up on him and not trusting him.

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He has however said how repulsive he finds his father, and doesn't really talk much to him, nor does he respect him much, as his father used to physically abuse him.

No matter what I write, you will end up following your path of choice, but the fact is that he comes from an abusive family where there is criminal activity involved is not a good sign. You express many doubts here and I think that is your gut instinct saying kitty, walk away. I was told by many not to get involved with someone from an abused background, guess what happened, I was abused in a sense, manipulated, told what to do, or he would leave. It wasn't pleasant, to say the least. I only left because I had so many people on here that really cared about me and helped me step out. My ex would tell me about how much his father repulsed him, very adamantly, but he was just like his father. Do what you feel deep down is right? I don't mean to be pessimistic, but I don't want to see you get dragged through unnecessary turmoil in the long run. Hugs to you.

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