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I had the talk and now I am waiting


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Well my ex broke up with me about 7 weeks ago and we have been hanging out and talking in the last week or two. Last night after hanging out for about 6 hours or so I brought up us getting back together and she was skeptical and said she needs to sleep on it and will let me know tonight, when we are suppoed to get ice cream. I am preparing myself for the worst and am kinda going nuts waiting. I am 95% sure she's going to say no but that other 5% is just taking over. I've been at work for the past 45 mins and I am going to be here for another 10 hours or so. I could really use some kind and encouraging words.

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well, you probably thought hanging out as you have been that she might be thinking of getting back together as well. she's had to be weighing the pros and cons of that while hanging out with you recently. so, to say she needs to think about it and sleep on it........hasn't she already been doing that just for herself.........to say she has to sleep on it sounds like she needs to think about it because she hasn't been thinking about it already. well, i think she has been thinking about it. and i think to say she had to think about it was a way to either put you off or make sure for herself that she didn't want to get back together with you.

 

good luck.

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No matter the decision, you will have an answer and that will help you move forward...regardless.

 

How has it been hanging out with her? I'm in a similar situation right now...tonite is the first meeting with my ex since our breakup 5 weeks ago.

 

well honestly the very first time I saw her was 2 weeks after we brokeup, but I had just had surgery a week before so I was a little out of it. I did'nt really feel awkward but it defeintly was'nt the same. But since then we've hung out like we used to and she's actually shown more interest in hanging out.

 

 

Well when I told her that I was thinking about it, she said she really has'nt been thinking about it and that she was just having fun being just friends. She sent me really mixed signals so that's why I was confused and decided I had to lay my cards on the table. It does hurt to know that tonight might be the last time I will see or talk to her for a long long while.

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Hm. There's a good book out there called "he's just not that into you." it's geared toward women, but there's some good advice in there for everyone.

 

Like on the topic of "mixed messages." The authors say there are no mixed messages. Just you are believing what you want to. It is entirely possible she just enjoys the friendship, and has no desire to be more than friends.

 

It's like in the chapter, "He's just not that into you if he's breaking up with you." If the dumper wanted the dumpee, they wouldn't have broken up in the first place. And if the dumper wants the dumpee back, they will say, "let's try again." Not "let's have dinner tomorrow night" or "let's see that movie sometime." That's just being "friendzoned."

 

So, yeah, I really don't believe in mixed messages.

 

I hope things go well for you tonight. either way, find out what she wants and make a decision from there. if she says she only wants a friendship, I think you should respect her decision and detach yourself from her.

 

If she does want you back, why would things be any different this time around? why would things work out now? that is a serious issue to consider.

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Mixed messages happen all the time. The "he's just not that into you" book is designed to make money, not to be the all knowing book on human emotions. People are complex. For most people who are definitely not interested in someone, there would be a flat out, clear cut, no. Mixed messages wouldn't come into play. Mixed messages occur when the person is dealing with angst with regards to their own feelings about a person. Yes, some people send mixed messages as a game, but many others do it because they themselves aren't sure which way to go but they don't want to lose the person. Not that I condone the second scenario. That is still unfair and selfish behaviour. My point is simply, people are complex, emotions are complex, everyone is different and you can't lump everyone into the category of a pop culture book written for entertainment purposes and to make money and glorify someone's career so that they can go on talk shows and become even more famous.

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Crazyaboutdogs, I definetly agree with you. I think she sends me mixed messages because she's confused herself. Someone friendzoning you does'nt tell you that she's got a voucher for one night stay at toronto when you mention going there for a weekend, someone friendzoning doe'snt tell you to come with her to arizona to visit her brother. I am just saying I think she's really confused too and that's why she's sending these mixed signals. And I do agree most of this books look at these things very subjectivly and I don't really put much faith in them, I just read them to see a different prespective.

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Someone friendzoning you does'nt tell you that she's got a voucher for one night stay at toronto when you mention going there for a weekend, someone friendzoning doe'snt tell you to come with her to arizona to visit her brother.

 

why not? you can invite people to go on trips with you just as a friend. just because she invited you to arizona doesn't mean she wants you back....

 

i could be wrong though..... let us know what happens tonight.

 

I forgot - why did you guys break up in the first place? and you never answered these questions:

 

If she does want you back, why would things be any different this time around? why would things work out now? that is a serious issue to consider.
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Well she knows aboslutly how I read those things and she still said them, that's why I had to figure she was sending me mixed signals.

 

Well she broke up with me cause she told me I was pushing for a relationship, and that I was too nice. We both made mistakes and she did admit that. I am meeting her at 8 pm to talk so I will let you guys know.

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Well she knows aboslutly how I read those things and she still said them, that's why I had to figure she was sending me mixed signals.

 

yeah, but then again, some people know that they are messing with their exes head, but they do it anyways.

 

Well she broke up with me cause she told me I was pushing for a relationship, and that I was too nice. We both made mistakes and she did admit that. I am meeting her at 8 pm to talk so I will let you guys know.

 

um... ok, so she wants a guy who is ambivalent towards her and is a jerk to her? it sounds like she has some issues! now, don't get me wrong, no one wants a doormat or a pushover, but as we get older and more mature, we tend to value people who are generally nice and kind to us. If you read this in 5 years, you'll look back and laugh. "Um... she broke up with me because I wanted a relationship with her and I was nice to her?"

 

yeah, let us know how things go.

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Ok so we went out for ice cream and when I dropped her off she did'nt say anything but call me when u get home. So I thought she wanted to talk over the phone so I called her. She told me that she wanted to do the talk face to face so I asked her to come over my house. The thing about my house is we are very traditional and we never talk about gf, sex or anything like that. So anyway she came over and I actually killed another bird and introduced her to my parents and let them know that I am grown up, lol. Anyway we talked and bascially I do want to take things slow and am ok with being close to her. We're gonna take things slow and let things happened. We're not dating but we're not exactly friends either which is kinda what I want too. I am ok with this, I want so see how this goes. I am probably going to hear a lot of "youre dumb" or "youre stupid" comments about this but I think I am going to be ok with this, cause for now I just want some closeness with her.

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hm. I guess that isn't what you were looking for, but it wasn't horrible either. I am still kind of concerned though - you are still in a limbo. She could go off and meet a new guy and be like, "well, you have no right to be mad because we aren't dating." or something to that effect. I just caution you from becoming her 'backup plan' or someone she hangs out with until she meets someone new. It's not a pretty situation to be in.

 

My recommendation is to be true to your own feelings. Don't settle for crumbs. If you are ok with the situation for now, then cool. If you start getting frustrated, it's ok to walk. See, right now, I think she is getting the best of both worlds - she gets to hang out with you when she wants, but doesn't have any of the responsibilities of a girlfriend. And I think that sucks.

 

well... I hope things work out for you.

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Well the thing about me and her is that, I don't want to sound like a jerk, but I am going about this as not being too serious. Right now we're at the point where we can hold hands and I can put my arm around her and that's basically what I want too. I am willing to wait for it to get serious but if it someone else shows up in my life that does want to date me then I would go that way.

 

She would tell me if there was another guy or atleast I hope she would. So although I do see what you're saying about how she can go see another guy she wants, I can do the same, cause I am not taking this as serious as the first time. We're not dating and we're friends for now with tiny benefits I guess. I know this seems like crumbs but for a guy whose never had a gf this is enough especailly because she was like my first gf.

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