What to make of it

[bitoftrouble]

Might be a long one people;

 

Myself and my ex were together for 5 years before she started university (i was in my 3rd year), we only lived about 5 minutes away so contact wasnt an issue. She finished with me saying that she had been meaning to do it for a while because i wasnt really a good boyfriend (i know i wasnt the best of boyfriends, i was told by a few people), but nevertheless i changed, went to the gym lost weight and started being more active. We still kept in contact as i was latching onto any kind of relantionship that could come from this. and she also agreed that life without me is unimaginable, and she could not pick up the courage to actually not contact me and move on.

 

10 agonising months of heartbreak, where both of us slept with another person, she kinda came to her senses and felt like she was becoming attached once again (funnily enough when we were both at home from university). We spent every day together and had such a good time. Everything was back apart from the sex, as soon as we got kissing, fine, but when anything involving down the below came into the equation she would just freeze and then nothing would happen. She said she loved me and that shes had the best summer and i replied with the same thing.

 

She reluctantly went travelling 2 weeks ago with a friend she made in univeristy, they had booked this holiday months in advance to go and meet friends they met in first year. She was a bit upset and the first day i got a phone call saying she was missing me already.

 

Two weeks down then line after no contact because we thought we needed some time apart to find out what we really feel, i got hit with a whammer! She was saying she has been having an amazing time, and then i punched the question, has she had any feelings about where both of us will go. And i got a "no". she hasnt thought about home at all because she is having too much fun over there. Alarm bells were ringing at this point as my mind has been in overdrive for the past 2 weeks, thinking of what shes doing at that moment, wonder if she has thought of me etc etc, while also hoping she is having a great time. the only thing that has kept me going in my job is thinking of all the wonderful things we got up to in the summer, and that all of this will be back in 2 weeks when she is home.

 

Now ive had this smack where she isnt sure if she wants to be back because she isnt missing me atm, well she isnt even missing her parents etc at the moment!. All the emotions of last years break up are coming back now and i know for a fact i will not be able to keep No Contact because im too weak. She is also a weak person and cannot take the initiative. I feel used more than anything at the moment, how she enjoyed herself with me so much while her mates werent there, but as soon as she is with them again im faded back into the background and am not needed once again!

 

I know she loves me but she says "thats not enough", what am i meant to make of this?! Shes a complete head !

 

 

Slowly dying here! Help!

[rose2summer]

You are using each other here and that's not healthy. You say that "both of us slept with another person" yet you are upset that she keeps you on the backburner while she is with her mates. This is going to lead to further heart-break. I would go contact, as hard as it is, and try to stay away with her, and when the time is right you can enter a healthy relationship where there is no need to sleep with anyone else from either side. Just my 2 cents.

[bitoftrouble]

well, its a bit more confusing than that. She was seeing this guy for a couple of months and i knew about this, yet i still tried to string us back together. My night was a one nighter and felt a bit weird afterwards.

 

Obviously i was broken when she told me what had happened, and likewise when i told her. This shocked me a bit as i expected her to of moved on. She never did anything with this bloke again eventhough she liked him still. I asked why and she said "i was just want him as mates, things are different now". This is what got me wondering what is going on in her head

 

Why would she get so upset to go no contact though? I mean, she had the courage to break the relaltionshiop to beginw tih but couldnt follow the rest of it through. I asked her this question and didnt really get an answe, just a "i just couldnt bare it".

 

Thanks for the reply

[bitoftrouble]

another problem which really bugs me when im at work or watching a bit of TV is i find excuses to contact her. Pointless things just so i can email her or txt her. I know the things i wanna say are irrelevant but they creep up on me and i have a MASSIVE urge to say them.

 

Its stuff like "why cant you just take 5 minutes out of your day to actually think what WE want instead of I I I". I know id probs get another "i dunno, i just dont know what to think".

 

Or its wanting to txt her incase shes up to no good, and contacting her will stop her from doing whatever, i know this is complete bull but i still get the urges.

 

Is there any way i can combat these excuses to contact her and just let her and me have time to think what wer truly want. The longest we have been NC since we broke up is these 2 weeks! Out of a year !!

 

Some people will suggest keeping busy, but it is very hard with the job i do and the mind always wanders, it has to otherwise id do nuts! And the wandering always goes to our future together, what she is up to, why doesnt she want to be with me, what can i do to make it right, the usual stuff in normal beak-ups i presume.

 

I read a forum once saying that it is US thats in control of out mind, not vice versa. But i find my mind is controlling me, i tell myself to stop thinking these stupid things and just enjoy life while im young. But its not enjoying without her in my life

 

HELP!

[stolenshadow]

Hello, I agree you must do NC.

 

Why is her upset to do NC but still broke up with you?, because she can have the best of "both worlds", she talks to you when she needs to but has no commitment to accept your calls or visits when YOU need her.

 

There are many ways to combat the urges you have to contact her, one I found particularly helpful is write everything down, use it as an excuse to put everything together, instead of sending lost of small texts just write things in the same place (a book, a txt file) and keep adding to it, start certain bits again, move sentences around, etc.

The point is to get all the words you want to tell her out of your system, once you feel you have said everything start doing a letter containing all of those "pending" subjects but don't send it.

 

In your mind and from the beginning tell yourself you'll send the letter eventually, that's going to keep you busy for a long time.

 

It's true, we control our mind, but you are not controlling it because you stay at the "reaction" moment, if your feelings say "I need her in my life to be happy!" ask why, and question all reasons until you feel it's not all black and white and things make perfect sense.

 

Good luck.

[bitoftrouble]

hi, just need a little advice here, its my ex's 21st birthday on sunday and i was just wondering what i should do? I find it a little rude not to wish her a happy birthday eventhough we are broken up.... but i dont want to sound as though im kissing her *** either.

 

What should i do?

 

Cheers

[need2bme]

Don't wish anything. You are not together. Don't get me wrong. I am right there with ya on the being weak thing, but if you are NC, don't kiss her ***, cause that IS what it would be.