Exception to NC or self-deception?

[Gator]

Quick and dirty background:

 

Two year relationship, became long distance 6 months ago (saw each other on weekends and talked on the phone daily), she needed a break about 3 months ago (still talked daily, almost the same relationship as before minus the weekend visits), she told me she was dating someone else about 4 weeks ago. I tried to get her back on the phone, she said it was too late. She begged to still be friends, I said I cant, have to go NC. Went NC for 2 weeks, then she called to straighten up some "business" matters, we talked and cried, but she was firm about staying broken up and she is still dating the same guy. She begged again to be friends, I said no, and that was it. Now we are about 1 week NC.

 

This is my question:

 

I realize the value and power of NC. It helps you heal and get on with your life while concurrently allowing your ex time to miss you without seeming clingy, desperate, and just pathetic.

 

What if during the course of your relationship, you were always very independent (the complete opposite of clingy) and this was one of the reasons that you were dumped? You never gave enough and you were not affectionate enough, and you had built walls around your heart from previous relationships? What if you now realize and regret all the mistakes you made with her? What if you want to let her know that you finally "get" what she meant when she said she didn't feel connected to you any more.

 

Is it a good idea to let her know that you realize now what she was trying to tell you? Can you send her an email telling her the purpose of this letter is not to get back with her, but just to let her know some things that I thought she would appreciate? Thank her for allowing you to grow as a person, but apologizing for not revering the feminine in her. Tell her you finally get it, and you will not make the mistake again in the future. Tell her what a wonderful person she is, and how sorry you are for not realizing this before. Wish her well and bid adieu.

 

 

What are your thoughts on this? Thank you in advance

 

Sean

[Hope75]

Hi Sean,

 

I don't think you should call her or email her. She has been adament that you are going to stay broken up and she has moved on and is seeing someone else.

 

If you keep analyzing this and trying to contact her and get your message accross, you are just hanging onto something that is gone and prolonging your own healing.

 

Let he go. She has let you go, and as hard as it is, the best thing for you is to move on and focus on yourself now.

 

Good luck.

[laboheme]

Normally in this kind of situation I would recommend LC, meaning you should respond to her phone calls every once in a while, but not initiate contact yourself. (I went through the same kind of breakup, my boyfriend called things off because he felt I didn't care enough and wanted me to be a little more clingy). HOWEVER, since she's got a new guy in her life, is firm about her decision to stay broken up and generally seems to be moving on...I really do suggest NC, although that's probably not what you wanted to hear.

 

Good luck!

[Dako]

All your "altenative to NC" does is cling to her like a vine.

You need to let go by not caring what she thinks of you.

[Gator]

A big thank you to all your respones, and it is what I thought deep down.

 

Funny thing, though, she called me today and left a message asking if I had straightned out our gym membership. She seemed very nice and concerned. The thing is she had no real need to call and check ,she already gave me the info I needed previously and she just was using it as an excuse to call. I know she is dying for me to be her friend, but I will not settle for that role and she knows it.

 

 

You all think I should call her back and let her know that I got everything straight? Is it rude to ignore her call , after all she put me on as an additional member to her membership, a huge savings for me.

 

S

[Hope75]

a simple text saying 'it's straightened out' is fine.

 

Nothing more, and then back to NC.

 

She's baiting you, trying to get you to play the friend role, when you know that won't make you happy and will only hurt you more. She can't have it both ways.

[kadvati79]

Gator, everytime I read your story since your first post it pings a string in my heart because it reminds me of my own. Your heart and mind get caught in a cruel battle with you stuck in the middle. You get tricked by yourself and I found I began to question everything I did because sometimes I would try deceive myself into getting a reason to communicate with my ex.

 

I've said it before elsewhere, but I got tired of waiting for the feelings to leave before I let go. I knew I couldn't just "let go", so I tore my ex from my life. I ripped him out of it. In many ways, it seemed to hurt more than if I had ripped my arm off. But this gave me a finality. I made the decision we would never be together. That way nothing he said or did could be misconstrued or misinterpreted. It meant all I had left was to get on with my life. And even though I changed my number, blocked and deleted him on MSN, I have no doubt that if he really wanted too - he could get in touch with me.

 

I'm not sure whether tearing her from your life is the answer for you. I don't even know if it works. But at the very least, its given me a life to live. Maybe not the exact one I wanted, but its a real life. Its not one where I second guess actions and analyise and wait for something to happen.

[joyce1412]

i also support icemoto's idea of "tearing her from your life," as harsh as that sounds. in fact, his post reminded me to block my ex on my buddy list!

 

aahh, it's kind of a nice feeling. yeah, it's hard, but it makes it that much more difficult for him to come in and shake up my life...previously, i made myself way too vulnerable to his whims. he can't IM me, he already knows i won't respond to his emails, and he doesn't know where i live as i've moved. his only options are calling me (can you say "straight to voicemail?") or coming to my place of work, and i have a hunch that no WAY are his balls big enough for him to do either of those things. so i'm pretty well protected.

 

so give it a shot, huh?