Internal Arguments

[hoboken12]

Just curious if anyone else is going throuogh the same things about my ex that I am. When my ex and I were nearing the end of our relationship we fought a lot. We disagreed on some very important issues about our relationship. I wanted to try to resolve the problems that we were having, even though the breakup was inevitable. We got to the point that she refused to even talk about the problems that we were having. She completely shut down and would not address the issue, basically saying that I should just be happy with her, period. So we ended up breaking up, but to me some of these issues were still unresolved.

 

After the relationship was over, she wanted to be friends. I couldn't do it because so much had been left undone and unsaid. I didn't see how we could even be friends until we sorted out or at least talked about those differences that we were having, but she had refused to talk with me about it so many times, I really didn't see a honest conversation happening once we were just friends. So I refused the friendship.

 

Now whenever I think of her, I can't help but reenact these arugments in my head, arguments that I think we needed to have to understand where eachother were coming from. I would be happy to move forward with a friendship, but I need to address those issues first and she refuses. Does this happen to anyone else? Am I being stupid? I guess what it boils down to is, if she didn't have the respect for her and I's relationship to at least discuss our differences then how can there be respect for any relationship at all, even friendship. How do you get rid of this resentment if the other person will not even address issues that caused it? Especially when they expect the friendship portion of the relationship to still exist? Am I making sense?

 

if you have any questions I can explain more

[rose2summer]

I did the same immediately after the break-up, rethink our conversations, what happened to cause the break-up. I think it's perfectly normal and will subside with time. I would wait on a friendship, maybe 6mo, then you can rekindle a good strong sound friendship. Once a relationship is over, I don't see any reason to hash out the details of why it failed right now, in the future maybe, but not right now, because you will end up hurting more, if she says some hurtful or harsh. She may just not want to hurt you by telling you the truth or has already decided there is no rekindling any romance between the 2 of you, so it's best to move on and see if you can indeed become platonic friends in the future.

[hoboken12]

The thing is, I feel like she is always trying to confuse things. I think she didn't want to address the issues because she was afraid it would mean that we would never get back together. She has a tendency to hold on to old boyfriends. She can't accept the fact that not all relationships last forever. She feels like she has to hold on to every relationship always. Which was one of our problems, she was being "friends" with her ex, who admitted that he was still in love with her.

[finewhine]

You're missing Rose's point. What she's trying to say that you can't be friends right now because you're still recovering from the pain incurred by being in a romantic relationship with your ex.

 

Clearly, your romantic relationship with the ex was unsuccessful to some degree or another (so was mine and everyone else's on this board, for that matter). However, how you or she acted in this relationship has little to do with your current quality of life. Your happiness no longer depends on how she acted when she was involved with you. Your future friendship with her may have something to do with how she acted while she was involved with you, but that's up in the air. Right now, what you need is some distance from the relationship in order to move on from the breakup and gain some perspective.

 

I *completely* understand the impulse to be friends with your ex. I'm not saying that can't happen someday. However, you need both time and distance in order for this to happen. You *can't* recover from a breakup with your ex. People aren't wired like that. Part of breaking up with someone is accepting that you alone are responsible for your feelings.

 

Clearly, you're not ready to be friends with her right now. For starters, you're still working out problems in a relationship that no longer exists. Don't read me the wrong way - this is something you need to do - but until you can move past these problems all by yourself, there's no sense in prolonging them by remaining close to the person who caused them.

 

The other main reason you can't be friends with your ex right now is because friends, generally speaking, don't care how friends act towards people in their romantic lives. I am thinking of my guy friends right now, and I could care less how they treat their girlfriends because it has little bearing on the way they treat me. Can you say the same for the way you think of your ex? Not yet.

 

I, too, want to be friends with my ex. I, too, had to contend with a blank wall at the end of our relationship. What I would suggest is, although you by no means owe her anything, tell her nicely that, while you would like to be friends with her in the future, you can't do it right now. Be dignified and a little distant. Tell her that you'll be friends with her when you're ready, that being friends with her right now is giving you both the short shrift. If the friendship means anything to you or to her, this will happen. Then, um, be friends when you're ready. When the problems seem like something in the past. When you no longer have to post to message boards in order to solve them. When you're cool with her dating someone else. In short, when she's just another friend.

[hoboken12]

I guess maybe that is my problem. I still have issues with it. I guess I have issues with it because I haven't been able to truly let it go. She ended it with hints and hopes of us getting together again some time down the road, so even though I have moved on and am dating other people I guess I never completely accepted that we were done. Which sucks. I am usually a forgiving person, but I guess I have held on to hurt feelings to keep my guard up against her, so that I won't fall back into a one sided relationship with her. Maybe she was just trying to lead me on with hopes of dating again only to get me to maintain the friendship, but does that seem like something fair to do. And should you be friends with someone that is trying to trick you all the time

[finewhine]

See, this is why you need time! If she's really trying to trick you, you don't really want to be her friend in the first place, or get back together with her ever. She very well might be stringing you along, she may not. However, you can't be her doormat in case she is. So just quit talking to her for a couple months and figure it out on your own.

 

Your judgment is clouded right now. Don't do or say anything rash. The quicker you stop talking to her, the sooner you'll feel better. It'll hurt like a b*** at first (trust me, I know), but there's no other way to move forward. See, dating other girls didn't work, just time apart from your ex will. This is why they're called "rebounds."

 

Anyway, good luck to you! You'll get through it.

[Aurian]

I have the internal arguments myself, and they can be rather tiring. Feels like the real thing! Any advice on how to end the argument?

 

(Short of breaking out a bat or something