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My male friend: Gay or not? And how do I help him?


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I'm questioning one of my best friends....

 

He claims to be straight and is disgusted by male on male sex and gay men in general. He always tells me how he thinks it's unnatural and how he's annoyed by sissy / effeminate men. Whenever there's a gay guy on tv he's like "Homo!". At other times though he's like: "Well, everyone should just do what they want to do". I have a lot of gay male friends and he told me he thinks this whole gay thing is kinda weird but he is okay with it. I'm a girl and I'm attracted to girls and of course he's totally fine with that. He's always really interested in my love life and says that he loves lesbians!

 

Okay, so this pretty much makes him straight. But a lot of people think he is gay because he behaves quite girly. He doesn't talk, look or move girly but he does other girly things. When it comes to caring about his appearance he's worse than any gay guy I know. He shaves his body hair, gets facials, he wanted to get a manicure with me, he goes to the sauna, has beauty days, he scrubs, goes to the tanning salon etc. etc. His hair means everything to him... he takes pictures of male celebrities with him to the salon as an example for the hair dresser. He's obsessed with Justin Timberlake and Wade Robson and want's to look, act and dance just like them. He loves shopping, it takes him hours to get ready before we go out and he changes ten times before he decides what outfit he is going to wear. If we go clubbing he sometimes takes along an extra outfit just in case. If he goes on a shopping spree he'll call me afterwards to tell me what he bought. Ow and of course he has one of those male handbags from fred perry:

 

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This is what he usually looks like: Jeans that are a bit tighter than average, a white v-neck shirt, designer sunglasses and the fred perry bag. Well you can imagine that guys hit on him all the time! But that scares him and he goes out of his way to verbally prove that he is straight.

 

He is 21 and had one girlfriend for a year when he was 18. After that he has kissed a few girls but that's about it. It's not like he can't have a girl, they are all over him. But he keeps telling me that he wants to stay single and have fun. He talks about beautiful women and hooking up with them all the time. (Which is what I like about our relationship, because he's the only straight guy that i'm close to and it's fun to talk about girls together!)

 

But even though he talks about women alot.... sometimes he seems to notice the guys around him way more! Like the other day we were at a concert and there's 4 hot girls dancing on stage half naked. There were a few guys on the stage too. They were either in the band or with the crew. Of course I'm totally watching those four girls but my friend is like: "Did you see that guy's hairdo? That's awesome!" Me: "What guy?" Him: "The one with the blue shirt" and then when I looked I saw a guy with a blue shirt but I totally hadn't noticed this guy before. And this sort of thing happens a lot, also when we're watching tv. He often talks about guys and how much he likes them (But in an admiring / friendly kinda way). Or he notices certain things the guys are doing/saying/wearing.... I'm usually not even noticing these things because i'm looking at the girls! (Even though i'm more like bi)

 

My best bet is that he's straight (but very very metrosexual) and just looks up to other guys a lot. Partially because of his insecurity. But does anyone else know a straight guy that's so in touch with his feminine side (also emotionally) ???? Wether he's gay or just straight and really insecure I want to help him but don't really know how!

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Actually, I think he is gay. And it is not due to his metrosexual behavior...His homophobia kind of clues me in. I used to be alot like him when I was trying to cover up my sexuality.

 

I'm not saying that he is definitely gay, but I think he is trying EXTREMELY hard to be 'straight.'

When someone is unusually homophobic it makes me suspect them.

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What do you want to help him with? Are you sure that he needs it?

 

Good question... he probably doesn't. He just seems so insecure compared to other guys. He doesn't show it at all when he's around girls or in interacting with other people. But when he's with his really good friends or with just me he needs confirmation about everything. But yeah, you're right.. this doesn't mean he needs help.

 

If he's straight then I think the reason he makes homophobic comments is probably because people ask him if he's gay all the time. So it's obvious he wants to prove he's not! The weird thing about his homophobic behavior though is that he is also like that when he's just with me. I can understand that he wants to prove his straighteness when he's with girls or his male friends.... but why the homophobic comments when it's just me and him? I don't get that at all!

 

But whatever, it doesn't really matter if he's gay or not. For me it doesn't make a difference.... But I was just wondering what other people thought about it and if there are really effeminate / girly straight men out there.

 

Aminae: He looks like a normal modern man, I wouldn't look at him and think "ow, he's gay". He looks like the average straight guy that my straight female friends would date. But he's a good-looking guy I must say!

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If he's straight then I think the reason he makes homophobic comments is probably because people ask him if he's gay all the time. So it's obvious he wants to prove he's not! The weird thing about his homophobic behavior though is that he is also like that when he's just with me. I can understand that he wants to prove his straighteness when he's with girls or his male friends.... but why the homophobic comments when it's just me and him? I don't get that at all!

 

He wants to prove it to himself, not you.

 

My advice would be not to press the issue with him. From what you've written he sounds like he is a closeted man. When he comes out he'll have to do it on his own terms...

 

But just tell him that he shouldn't be so homophobic. I know he might not be anti-lesbian but homophobia of any sort isn't cool.

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