To delete or not to delete?

[kohnny]

OK, brief history. 6 months ago I walked out of my ex g/f's life because of a misunderstanding. She found me 5 weeks later on a dating site. Trust me, I didnt want to be there (and its where we met) but I thought she had badly disrespected me.

 

Turns out I was wrong. So I went back and explained how I misunderstood her actions etc. No good, she wouldnt reconcile. Then she starts sending me joke emails and text messages and saying stuff like we can be friends. I took this to mean she was forgiving me. This went on for about a month with me asking her for a drink, her ignoring..then her asking me and me ignoring because she ignored me and wasnt setting a date for the drink etc (which I did when I asked).

 

Cut a long story short (I will try) I plucked up the courage to ask her for that drink by telephone. She said yes but in the next breath tells me she is seeing someone else. End of story. Next day I text her and say no more contact.

 

A month passes in which I break my heart then I find her on a dating site. So I send her a text saying hi and told her I had read her profile on the dating site etc and that I also joined the site. Her text was neutral.

 

Then out the blue two weeks later she text me to say her life was crap and she hoped mines was good. Strange because that was the first time she had text me without me texting her first in like nearly 3 months.

 

Fast forward..we ended up talking by email for a few weeks with her telling me she fell into a deep depression and was on anti-depressants. She says our break up didnt help plus her car broke down,her finances went of the rails and she dated a guy for a few weeks and he left her for another woman.

 

Then we recently switched to MSN. There she starts asking me questions about some of my actions during the relationship that bothered her and (she says) also added to her refusal to reconcile after I pulled that walking out of her life thing.

 

The questions centered around her feeling I had gone off her. She asked me questions like why didnt I stay at her house on a certain night etc and why on a certain night when I stayed didnt I hold her while asleep etc.

 

I explained that she had got it all wrong and that I had never gone off her during the relationship. I told her that I had loved her etc. I really opened up to her. I hoped that by telling her these things that she really never knew..like I wanted to move in with her etc (which I know she wanted but was too scared to ask in case it frightened me off..she said this) that we might work things out. She tells me during this conversation that she still misses me and that when we broke up she went through hell. She said she still feels the pain but it is like a tide..it comes and goes..but is getting better.

 

Guess what. 3 nights later when I log on to MSN and she is also on line...she says nothing to me. I hang on the line for half an hour and no message from her. So I log off. Since then (about 2 weeks ago) she is always appearing as off line. I think she has put me on block. She hasnt deleted me though. Whats all that about?

 

I dated this woman (42) for one and a half years. During that time not one problem. A truly great relationship. Now this. So, given that I have tried so many times over the last 6 months to reconcile and given that she has dated during this time with no luck and given that I opened up to her 2 weeks ago about how I felt....given that she ignored me recently on MSN and given that she now appears to have blocked me (but not deleted me) what do I do?

 

Should I delete and move on or wait for another week or two to see if she resurfaces and hear what she has to say? Its been 6 months now of not seeing each other. Can a couple really get back together after 6 months apart? Am I clutching at straws here?

 

Advice please.

[Beyondthesea]

My first instinct: Too much drama for this to be a real relationship.

 

You two don't have adequate communication to keep a relationship going. This 'off and almost on' stuff is preventing you from healing and moving forward.

 

Personally, I wouldn't waste anymore time or effort. Just forget her and move on.

[kohnny]

Easier said then done Beyondthesea. This woman I loved...probably my first real love, although I didnt realise it til it was too late. Why hasn't she deleted me if she has finished with the relationship and me?

[rose2summer]

You sound too much like my ex it's uncanny. Ok, first of all, I am going to be brutally honest here with you because you asked for an opinion and you fit my description of me and my ex to to a T except for the mind games you and her are playing. You going on an online dating site told her that you didn't want to have anything to do with her, were you already broken up at the time? And why go to the same one you met on? To hurt her and make sure she saw you. Exactly what happened with me and my ex. He went to the same site we met on while we were still together.

Why is she toying with you, reeling you in and pushing you back out, to break your heart like you did hers. It's obvious, see how she put a profile on a dating site way after you had, because she needed time to heal. The long of the short here is that you broke her heart, and then she slammed you back to break yours. She will never come back to you and retain a strong healthy relationship, the damage is too severe.

I would be happy to discuss this further because this is so identical to my situation that it's kind of disconcerting. I can tell you the female perspective.

[Mun]

I want to say so many things that I'll just start at this one : Is there some other way to contact this woman besides online? I personally hate all this back and forth messaging, looking at lists to see if you're blocked...etc. Why? because I've been there myself and there is just so much room for misinterpretation. Take it back to "real life" for a bit if possible.

 

I think you did say you called her and didn't hear back. Ok... so don't bother with it too much. Ask her for a drink, she says she is seeing someone, you move on. Like someone else said, lot's of drama here, but hey, some people like that....

 

Sounds to me like you did kinda end up being friends and in the process working out some of the past issues from the relationship, but the damage was already there. She is hurt, and she is letting that hurt get in the way. We seem to do that alot.

 

If this makes any sense : give it some time but don't wait for her. Hate to give you a cliche but: time heals wounds...let it do it's work.

 

And please do try to take it offline. There is this one relationship I had that I can bet money if we'd taken it offline for good, it would have worked out. I also found him on dating sites right after we stopped dating, although I didn't meet him on one. What a surprise that was ........ that's life.

 

Somehow I don't think I made any sense at all

[kohnny]

Thanks for your views so far guys. They are helping me. Please keep them coming. I value all your imput. But the question remains...do I dlete her or not from MSN?

 

It has been 6 months now since we split and 5 months since we laid eyes on each other. During all this time she has not once conceding and agreed to give 'us' another try.

 

Yes, we spoke a few weeks ago on MSN but that was mainly around her feelings about how / why her life turned bad and how she became depressed. She did mention her feelings for me in amongst the conversation saying she missed me and that she went through hell when we broke up and that she still have difficulties when thinking about 'us'..she tries not to she says as its causes her distress.

 

It was so hard to get her to open up when she finally did she was saying stuff like she had been running away from her feelings..not dealing or facing up to things etc. Never got to the bottom of what she meant by that. But I was kind of hoping she was trying to say that she regretted our split.

 

Instead she just asked me loads of questions about why I had not held her in bed on certain nights...she said 'If only you had held me for 10 minutes'...like it would have made a difference to the relationship not ending.

 

She tells me she is still dating but not in any relationships. She tells me that I hurt her very badly. I feel like after our last conversation on MSN a few weeks ago when I told her that she had completely misunderstood me while in the relationship and that contrary to her beliefs I had loved her and had considered our relationship permanent. From what she said she felt that I was not serious about the relationship and that was a deciding factor for her to not give me a second chance.

 

Once I had given her all this infomration and told her she had made a big mistake and that she was the best thing that every happened to me I logged off. Few days later she logs on..I log on..no words are exchanged between us. I havent seen her on line since. So, the question is

 

WHY HASNT SHE DELETED ME IF SHE IS DONE WITH ME? WHY JUST BLOCK ME? WHAT REASON COULD SHE HAVE FOR NOT DELETING ME?

[Jayar]

WHY HASNT SHE DELETED ME IF SHE IS DONE WITH ME? WHY JUST BLOCK ME? WHAT REASON COULD SHE HAVE FOR NOT DELETING ME?

 

She likes to know whether you're home or not? That could be a reason. I deleted my ex from MSN because I couldn't STAND the thought of him being on but just not talking to me. So I killed that problem right off the bat. Besides, if he wants to talk to me he can call or e-mail. I don't particularly want him knowing whether I'm home or not either. I want to create an element of mystery.

 

As far as you getting back together, it COULD happen, whether it should or not. I know of one couple that dated for 5 years, separated completely for THREE YEARS and then ended up married (and have been for going on 26 years now) so yeah, it can happen. But it can't be forced.

[kohnny]

Thanks for that Jayar. If she doesnt give a crap about me anymore (although our last MSN conversation would suggest others) then why not just delete me? Why be bothered to know if I am in or out? She is after all (in her own words...'dating'). Maybe she wants to keep the communication line 'open' just in case she feels the need to talk to me? Or is it a case of finding it hard to letgo of me totally? Maybe another pssibility is that she is finished and moved on but doesnt want to appear rude by deleting me so is just putting me on perm. block?

[rikka]

If she deletes you it does't affect your acount, to you, you will never see her online. If she deletes you, it only affects her account, not yours. So she may very well have deleted you already.

 

Delete her. End this confusion and wondering for you. Finish it for yourself and just remove her from your contact list.

[kohnny]

No Rikka, your wrong. If I go into Tools, Options,Privacy and 'see whose added you'...she is there. If I right click I see that the 'delete' is faint. That means she hasn't deleted me. If the 'delete' option is in black that means she has deleted me. Try it yourself. You will know if one of your contacts has deleted YOU by trying the above. Hope this makes sense?

[kohnny]

Another update. I logged on this morning and she was online. We chatted briefly. Just hi, how are you etc. She said she had a 'nice dream about me the other nice..said I was smiling in her dream and that it suited me. Then we ended the caht by saying we both had to rush off to go out shopping.

 

Ive learned not to read anything into her messages anymore like I used to. But again, what a strange thing to say to an ex of 6 and a half months that they had a nice dream about you the other night. This is a lady who has been dating since we broke up. A lady who said I hurt her very badly because of the way we broke up.

 

We parted under sudden and bad circumstances and with very hurt feelings. Seems the normal course would be to delete / ignore that person thereafter. Nope, she contacts me several months agoto say her life was crap and hoped mines was good. That lead us to email exchanges / text message exchanges and ultimatelyMSN conversations. Why is she still in contact? Why tell me she had a 'nice dream' about me a few nights ago?

 

Folks..she has never once in 6 months suggested we get back togther. In fact quite the opposite. She said again just 3 weeks ago that there is no chance our friendship can develop into anything more. Whats the point in remaining in contact? All it does for me is give me false hopes..keeps me hanging on...stops me moving on. You would think she has moved on..so why bother staying in touch with me?

 

just seeing her / talking to her makes me feel ill and brings back all the sad feelings again. Do I allow her to talk to me on MSN when she wants or do I just pull the plug...put her on perm. block? Its been nearly 7 months now since we split. Doing the NC thing now would not serve the purpose of making her miss me as she will have grown used to that by now. It would be good for me though as I can avoid those bad / sad feelings coming back so intensely. However, what if....what if she wishes / wants to see me again? She did say just 3 weeks ago that she still missed me. Maybe she has had plenty of time to see what life is like without me? To see how hard the dating scene can be?

 

What are your views?

[Beyondthesea]

She's just keeping in touch occasionally just for contact's sake alone, not because she ever wants to get back together.

 

She isn't the one holding on here, YOU are. You are the one reading into her messages or lack thereof, and it's quite obvious she is just saying things like "I miss you" to be kind IMO.

 

Cut her out dude. You're still hanging on for no reason.

 

It's been nearly 7 months, you shouldn't still be hanging on this hard. She said your relationship will never develop into anything more.

[kohnny]

Any other views? Have ex's never changed their minds? Never thought 'it would be nice to see my ex again'. Two weeks ago she was talking really deeply about our relationship on MSN. Asking me questions like why I stopped hugging her and kissing her. 'If only you had held me' she said. We went through various facets of the problems of our relationship as her rquest. Why do this 6 months later? She recalled our relationship with perfect clarity. Then this morning saying she had a 'nice dream' about me. Maybe she is being just friendly.....maybe she wants more? Do dumpers never regret their decisions months down the line to not reconcile. After all, it was my fault we broke up. I walked out on here..but changed my mind 5 weeks later and came back. She sadi no...she was soooo angry and hurt. In these nearly 7 months the longest we have not been in contact is 5 weeks.

 

Cutting her off...deleting her from MSN will leave no door ajar....no line of communication open. Is this a good idea? Should one always leave the door of communication open? Who knows....people do reunite...sometimes they do. Who said there was a time frame in which people can only make up and anything beyond that is too late?

 

Any other views?

[kohnny]

Any more views please!

[rikka]

makes entire sense, but it wouldn't affect your average view. So now that you know she hasn't deleted you, you have two choices.... you can check to see if she has blocked you/or is just never online... or you can DELETE her and end it.

[rnorth]

kohnny:

Stop playing games; stop using MSN to contact each other; cut through the BS and just go out together for a no-pressure meeting/date if she agrees to do so. If she doesn't then don't be dramatic about it. One thing I hate about NC is when presented to someone, it sounds like an ultimatum.

[kohnny]

Rnorth, I go diving every Friday near her house. I use a pub afterwards. She told me about 5 weeks ago on MSN that she had a bad night (meaning depression) on the Friday. I said I wish I had known that as I was in the pub just down the road from you and perhaps she should have come down for a drink to cheer herself up. She just said 'perhaps'. Then 4 weeks ago I suggested that we meet to ask and answer each others questions about what happened..why we broke up..feelings etc. She said 'I dont kinow, all I can offer you now is friendship, is this enough?' I said 'of course'. But the mistake I made was I also added 'perhaps wwe can develop the friendship'..she said 'there can be no development and you will understand why as we become friends'.

 

The conversation ended soon afterwards. The next time we spoke I laid my cards on the table. Told her everything about my feelings for her during he relationship that she didnt know. Like that I loved her..had hoped to move in with her etc. Stuff she wanted at the time but thought I didnt. I told her she had got me all wrong and I told her she had made a big mistake by lettiing me go.

 

Next time we spoke last Saturday, she said she had a nice dream about me and I was smiling in the dream. Next day, Sunday, she was on MSN. I lgged on. She didnt say hello. I logged off after 10 minutes.

 

Im atthe point now 7 months down the line where I still miss her and the relationship, dont have the desire to dat anyone, really havenht the heart to start all over again with anyone else, have lost my faith in love, relationships and women and feel that I just now can either leave her on MSN and wai each time she comes on to see if she will speak to me or not..and if she does it could be bad news, i.e. 'Ive met a really nice man' (that would kill me) or she might say something like shall me meet for a drink. I'd be surprised if she did because its been 7 months now..she has dated guys and tells me she is still dating and she has had ample offers from myself to meet up but has never accepted the offers. The other choice I have is to delete her from MSN and cut all ties with her.

 

The woman has already said 'there will be no development on friendship'. What more do I need to hear? Granted, she said that before I opened and laid my cards on the table about how I felt. But that doesnt seem to have made any difference. Yes, she said she still missed me a few weeks ago on MSN, yes she said I was part of her life and feelings still, yes she asked me lots of deep and personal questions recently about why I didnt hold her and why I stopped (in her opinion) hugging and kissing her and yes last week she said she had a nice dream about me. But thats all she has said.

 

If I delete her I will lose any chance of further conversations with her..I will in effect be closing the door to any possible opportunity to communicate with her ever again. But, it hurts when I see her on line and she doesnt talk to me. It hurts to talk to her because the conversations have now become short and almost just polite hello, good bye sort of thing.

 

To delete will send a message out to her that I see no point in further contact..that I no longer wish to communicate with her. That may offend her or anger her or she may be indifferent. But if she wants contact with me she has my email address and mobile number. If she wants something...something more..if because I laid my cards on the table and gave her food for thought she knows how to contact me.

 

I must now help myself to heal..to accept that the woman I loved I lost through a series of misunderstandings and foolishness..that I will regret for a very very long time. Its been 7 months. In that time she hasnt phoned me once. I did...and got told lies (she said she was seeing someone else)..she recently told me that was a lie and she said it just to push me away...t let me know we were just friends. What a way to tell me! She had to break my heart to tell me. Then she tells me recently she went through hell when we broke up. A month after telling me that she is in a deep depression and on anti-depressants and sending me a text saying her life is crap and she hopes mines is great. Go figure that stuff out. Now she is having nice dreas about me.

 

I cant continue with this stuff..it fills me with anxiety. I still wake up in the early hours of the morning in a sweat, still dont eat properly, am still on anti-depressants..cried again yesterday in my car on the way home from work. When will it all end? But clicking that 'delete' button has proved impossible so far. I tired again last last..I couldnt do it.

 

HELP!!!!!

[Mun]

Hey there,

Look, she KNOWS you want her back but hasn't done anything about it. What more do you want hun? Isn't that clear as daylight. The ball was in her court and she just let it roll past her. I can't tell you what to do because you will do what you want, me? I would delete her. She knows where you live doesn't she? your phone numbers? mutual friends? then she knows how to get in touch with you when she finally realizes you are GONE FOR GOOD...and maybe that will bring her back....or help you move on.

 

You might know the story, my ex and I were apart for 5 yrs before we got back together. I remember breaking things off with him, but because he had become distant. In that time I "deleted" him and moved on. He deleted me too but kept in touch in other ways. I think, had we been involved still , we would have kept up too much drama and possibly not had another chance because of it.

 

We can't tell you she still cares or not because we don't know, but if this is causing you such anxiety maybe you should pull the plug... for YOU and your sanity.

 

Love