Parents are talking Divorce

[fifregister]

Growing up, I've always witnessed explosive fights between my parents. I left home for college and am now working in a city 400 miles away. My younger brother, who is about to enter high school, still lives with them.

 

I came home to visit recently and witnessed another noisy fight between them tonight. It went on for several hours and they're talking about divorce.

 

My brother disclosed that they'd also fought a couple of days before I arrived, where my mother threatened to kill herself. My dad tried to stop her and she bit him. My brother tried to stop her by kicking her.

 

This is unbelievably disturbing to me. Knowing that these violent fights occur on almost a weekly basis while I'm away saddens and shocks me. I don't know what to do. I feel so guilty because I live far away and can't intervene. I don't want my brother to be caught up in this because he is so young. I don't want my parents to tear each other apart like this. I feel so powerless and sad...What am I to do? What should I do? What could I do?

[arwen]

Hey fif,

 

What an awful situation. First, this is NOT your fault or responsibility. I understand you feel guilty because you're far away, but what could you do except maybe be there for your brother? Is it possible to take your brother with you to your home? It's really a bad sign that they are so violent and abusive with each other.

 

Do you have other siblings or family that lives in the same city as your parents? Then it might be an option to talk to them and maybe your brother can live with relatives for a while until your parents sort things out. I also think you can discuss this with your parents. Your brother, he's around 12 years old I assume? He is really vulnerable, and your parents should know better than fighting in front of him. You can try to address this with them.

 

Take care,

 

Ilse

[BellaDonna]

It sounds like they may be better off apart.

 

Divorce is a hard thing to go through at any age. Just try to be there for your brother as much as you can. Call him and check up on him when you can. Are there any other relatives that live near your parents that can help? Your mom sounds depressed, you should urge her to seek professional help. Maybe if something violent happens like that again- your brother can call the police. The police can tell your parents a neighbor called. Your brother is a minor, and if he asks for the police not to tell your parents that he called- they should comply with that.

 

I know it's going to be hard, but try not to let yourself get too down because it will affect your performance in college. If you need someone talk to, your college should have counseling services available to you.

 

I hope things get better,

 

BellaDonna

[nottoogreen]

Hi fifregister,

 

My 2nd ex was similar. A psychotic loser: link removed

 

You all got to look after yourselves. Your mom is at least dangerous to herself and needs proper professional treatment.

 

Please print this and also give it to your brother and father.

__________________

Most important to remember and perform.

This is the most important part of this guide. Please take it seriously as your success largely depends on it.

• You are precious, your life is precious and you deserve to be happy!
  
• Look after your body and love yourself!
  
• When someone hurt or abused you it was not your fault!
  
• You have a future, you always will as long as you do not give up!
  
• You deserve to be understood, but to expect understanding is very foolish.
  
• Regrets are the most difficult feelings to deal with.
  
• Life often is like three steps forward and one step back. Expect setbacks and do not let setbacks bother you. Just move along your chosen path.
  
• Realistic expectations. Carefully consider your expectations as unrealistic expectations breed resentment and set you up for failure.
  
• Be realistic about your ability and carefully consider your ability as your failure to meet your expectations hurts you and may hurt others.
  
• Patience and persistence. Changing any situation or yourself takes time and effort. Changing your feelings takes time and is often painful. It does make sense to endure reasonable pain for a better happier future.
  
• Adaptability of your mind. Your biggest strength is that your mind adapts to what you do often and the more so, the more motivated you are. As you move up, your mental ability increases. This strength is also your biggest weakness as your mental ability decreases when you are frustrated or unmotivated. Your mind also adapts to negative thinking. Thus it is important to think positive!
  
• Break circles of thought. If you realize that you think or fear the same again and again, break out of it by telling yourself: STOP, NO WORRIES. Divert your thoughts away from a circle of thought. The Mental survival activities or Exercise activities below may be of help to distract you.
  
• Mental survival activities. Develop one or more mental activities which can occupy your mind and give you a sense of calmness and accomplishment. One activity should be as simple as possible in order to be performable at any time. Exercise these activities regularly. Examples are: writing poems, writing down feelings, drawing, a journal and reading. Use the Exercise activities below as alternative and for backup. Be prepared and never run out of supplies to perform these activities. These activities train you on focusing your mind and give you a sense of accomplishment.
  
• Exercise activities. Develop an interest in one or more physical activities and perform these regularly. Examples are push-ups, sit-ups, running, swimming and biking. At least have one activity you can perform in your room and one out-door activity. Exercise is healthy and gives you a sense of accomplishment.
  
• Be sure you have enough sleep. Sleep deprivation makes manic and leads to countless secondary problems from anxiety, over-acting, over-excitement, over-thinking to under-performing. If you can't sleep, perform Mental survival activities and/or Exercise activities until you relax enough to fall asleep. Given training and experience, you will relax and fall asleep! No pills needed!
  
• KISS - Keep It Simple Stupid. Do not over-act, over-excite or over-think.
  
• Help - If you have questions or need help, please post or seek professional help!
  

 

Your dad got to take charge!

 

Please keep us posted.