I am myself, but it just doesn't seem to be good enough.

[HeckaBekah]

Lately I've been thinking about a lot of different things pertaining to the dating scene this day in age.

 

I hadn't really pin pointed exactly why I'm having trouble with dating until these last couple of days.

 

The same thing happens over and over again and I'm noticing a pattern. I wondered why many guys just don't pursue me. I have many friends with better luck and have tried to see their "strategies". For instance I have a beautiful friend who, well, keeps a lot of things private in her life and guys find that fascinating. She's honest with me and I know she deserves the best because she has a genuine heart, but the mystery she portrays intrigues guys. I am a natural beauty myself...bubbly, honest, classy yet the girl next door type with nothing to hide. BIG PROBLEM... It isn't really appealling to many guys. Yeah, it may be something to look forward to perhaps, but nothing many guys really desire. I don't try too hard to make things happen and I am myself. The ones who are interested seem to be, well, very dependent and too passive in some ways and I am not attracted to them because they don't seem passionate enough to get what it is they want and so they settle for mediocrisy. Maybe that's why they tend to remind me of my dad...lol.

 

Once I started to make sense of all these different thoughts I started to become ashamed of myself. Of course I would never compromise and I just don't have it in my character to. I started to think that the fact that I've been single for awhile now and also that I've never had a long term relationship reflect who I am, and well it does, but for positive reasons...though it's been harder and harder for me to see.

 

The last relationship I was in began because the guy was pursuing me and I was attracted to that. But he had this perfect image of me that was completely a false reality he made for himself. When he realized how difficult it was for him to let go of his selfishness and make a true effort to get to know me for me, he ended the relationship. Soon after my ex got back with his ex, who vanished out of the blue awhile back, and they have been together now for as long as they had been the first time around.

 

I've been interested in other guys since, but it has led to nothing because they did not pursue me. It made me upset that they saw how great of a girl I am and how I respect myself, but they never appreciated it enough to pursue me. This seems to happen again and again and I'm beginning to realize how lucky I am in a way to be single and not have feelings for someone who really doesn't deserve to have a hold of them. But so much of me longs for someone to love who I am...all of me, including all of my flaws. I just cannot believe how difficult it is to find!

 

Why is it so difficult? Why does it feel so bad to be me sometimes? I love who I am, but I wonder why guys seem to only "accept" me to a certain degree. I know that I need to stay true to myself, which I will, but lately the pain I feel has been tremendous and it's been harder to make sense of my thoughts. So I was wondering what all of you think about what I have said. Thank you for listening

 

Rebekah

[Beec]

ONe thing I think that you need to look at is what you are saying to guys with your body language. Our body language is over 90% of our communication, much more than our words and the tone, inflection, etc. of our voice. The actual meaning of our words is very littel fo what we say, less than how we say something and less than our body language.

 

In most situations, the woman gives the man signals that she is interested and needs to come on over. When people hook up, he may pursue or make the move, but only after she told him she was receptive. So, maybe you should look at what you are saying.

 

Also, you watching what your friends who date more do is good. I'd suggest you read somethings too, and read from different perspectives. Maybe read stuff geared at helping a woman land a husband, at helping a guy become a player and get a lot of sex, maybe read more general things too. If you want some suggestions, I'm sure someone here can give them to you. Ask. I know of some too.

[AwdreeHpburn]

Rebekah - While we all want someone to love "us" and peruse "us" and make "us" feel good about "ourselves"... true love comes in the form of more self-less-ness. Feels more like loving someone, wanting to persue them, making them feel good, thinking about them, doing for them.

 

I'm not implying you're too selfish, but maybe the key here for you, is to find someone YOU are interested in and persuing THEM.

 

You sound like a strong minded, independent girl. Go for what you want. Don't be afraid to chase someone, like them a lot or persue them.

[HeckaBekah]

Thanks for the replies.

 

True, body language is cricial and to tell you the truth, even though I think my body language can be confusing at times, I do show guys I'm at least somewhat interested. You see, I'm a friendly flirt...the kind that doesn't seem like I'm really flirting, but enough to spark someone's interest. And yes I have "pursued" guys in a sense that I have called them sometimes, have offered to hang out, etc. I have made effort and I'm social enough to keep a guy interested in the coversations we have...no problem. True, sometimes guys aren't sure if I really like them until I, well, go in for the kill and kiss them. It is difficult to show interest just because I'm afraid to get hurt. Many times I've made effort for the guys that ended up not even caring enough to see the friendship grow and so nothing ever progressed.

 

I'm sure that body language can have a place in this issue, but believe me I have tried enough to show my interest. It's just that it seems most guys are looking for girls who have a mystery to them, but I cannot pretend to be someone I'm not! True, it's important to leave guys wondering where the girl is at sometimes, but trust me, I maintain a good amount of space between the guy and very much enjoy my own time.

 

Any other thoughts and/or suggestions?

[orangecounty]

Wow, I could have written just about everything you've said,haha Like you said, we're friendly girls. I think sometimes that comes off as exactly that, friendly. I know with myself, I'm still a little afraid to really flirt so I'm just super friendly. That's fine and dandy but it doesn't really give the guy the message that you're interested in them. And so at the end of the night, they're thinking "she's not that into me," why pursue her? She's just a friendly girl. I'm in the EXACT same boat as yourself. I've often thought, I'm friendly, I'm smart, attractive, why don't guys notice this?! What more do they want? But I can hold all those positive traits and by not letting someone know that I'm interested, nothing is going to happen. I think that is key, as someone else said on here, focus your attention on someone else and pursue them.

Good luck ;D

[HeckaBekah]

I have no problem going up to a guy and talking to him, but I do hide feelings of interest I have towards guys sometimes just because the guys I've liked in the past weren't worth the effort since they didn't make effort themselves soon after they found out I liked them. People say that I'm the kind of girl that guys are intimidated of. I dress pretty fashionable (I'm actually a fashion marketing major) and I take care of myself. So at first glance many guys see me as unattainable until they get to know my personality. I don't see myself in that way which makes me always wonder why a lot of guys don't seem to be interested. It doesn't help being a friendly flirt, but that's just who I am. I need to learn to give guys more compliments though instead of holding back because I don't want to seem too into a guy too early on. It's definitely a learning process!

[Beec]

So, someone tells a guy you like them, and they lose interest? Well, yeah. Your feelings are not what's going to make him want you, his feelings will. We go for people who make US feel certain ways, special in some way, and who remain aloof, independent, not clingy or needy.

 

Also, the first step to seducing someone is to make an indirect approach, not to let them know what you are really after. It can work by seeming to be after parts of them and not others, say wanting their body and not their heart. Or by not seeming to really want them.

 

You have the right attitude, it is a learning process.