Thought I was over it...

[Murzilka]

Hi all,

This is the first time I'm posting here. I've looked before but never actually told my story or asked advice. So here goes nothing.

 

My ex-boyfriend of 7 years and I have been broken up 9 months or so. It was really hard at first, but then I started to find myself and started to date again and things got better. I even was dating someone I thought was perfect for about 5 months, but in the end it didn't work out. I was doing really well though. I was (and still am I guess) ok for the first time in my life with being alone and actually starting to enjoy it. Then I heard something awful. My ex, who had told me for years that he didn't believe in marriage, that his parents' divorce jaded him and he didn't think he'd ever get married or have children. Now, 8 months after dating his new girlfriend, he proposed. I think it probably shocked every single person that he's known for the last 5-10 years. It shook me to the core. I felt like such a stupid idiot for believing him all those years. That we could be together without "the piece of paper". All these years I fell for his bull and now I feel like I'm back to feeling horrible again. It doesn't quiet hurt as much as it did in the beginning but I just feel so hopeless.

 

He called me last night, I didn't pick up the phone. He left me a message asking to please call him the following day. He probably wants to tell me about this engagement so I don't find out from one of our mutual friends, so that he stays the good guy. The guy that doesn't want to hurt me and wants me to be as happy as he is. I don't want to call him back, I just wanna strangle him!

 

Any thoughts or advice would be much appreciated. Thanks in advance for reading my long tirade too.

[Mythical_Suicide]

As bad as I know it hurts to hear this maybe he just found someone that has changed his mind about marriage, or he could just be making this horrible mistake only he knows.

I have had friends in the past who say they would never ever get married, they dont believe it in and so on but they find that one person and it changes all. I know it's hard, I could only imagine being with someone for seven years having him tell me we wouldnt get married and then find out he's marrying someone else. If it's hard for you right now, dont have any contact with him dont answer is he calls, dont call him and try to focus on your life and moving on that is the best thing you can do. There isn't any reason for you to feel hopeless, I know it's hard right now but you sound like a strong person and you will get through this maybe its best if you two just end all contact, atleast until you're able to be okay with yourself knowing he's moved on.

Best of luck to you sweety!

[25thfloor]

man, i am so sorry. i agree with mythical....he just didn't want to marry you. i've had that crap dumped on me too. look back over your life and see how many people that were really into you, and you didn't love them back the same way....you weren't being mean, you were just being true to yourself. i don't think they lie when they tell us one thing and do another thing with someone else....it's just the nature of love. and NO, you are not on this earth to make him feel better. i agree with NC, period. he needs to move on with his life and let you go. i hate it when they want our blessing. sorry, you don't get to have it all. good luck...you'll get through this. and further more, i don't want a man that doesn't want to marry me....i might not ever marry again, but i always want to be thought of as 'the future' in someones life.

[Murzilka]

Thanks mythical and 25thfloor.

I agree with both of you. I realized that I was sounding like a quote from a movie about him just not wanting to marry me, (When Harry Met Sally, when she realized her ex married his rebound) so this must have happened to others. I know I'm not alone in this. I'm just so hurt and angry! I had already been feeling regret for the 7 years we spent together without a solid commitment. The problem is he really is a good guy. He has his faults but for the most part he is what I've always wanted in a man. I can't stop comparing dates, friends, everyone and don't know when I am going to be able to let go. I keep imagining how he did it, what he said to her, if he used the same words he used to say to me. It's driving me crazy! I know I need to stop but it's becoming increasingly difficult.

I will try to keep busy!

[finewhine]

I think he's rebounding, plain and simple. Sorry to those who believe he's found "the one," but I don't think so.

 

He's a lousy jerk and you should strangle him. Feel sorry for the woman who he's marrying. Nine months ain't no time to recover from a seven year relationship enough to get MARRIED.

[25thfloor]

push those thoughts out of your head...what he's thinking, how he asked her. you will drive yourself crazy. don't try to minimilize thier relationship, just let it be. i'm gald you said he was a good guy and he was everything you wanted. you don't want to hate him, you just want to move on. regardless of what he 'found', you need to concern yourself with you. i wouldn't date for awhile, because you'll be comparing...and that is a mistake. that's when you let the potential partner walk away because you're not ready. sometimes are are the stepping stones to their happiness and vice versa. you need to take care of you! he's gone. for good.

[Murzilka]

you're right, 25thfloor, I do just want to move on. I think it was easier to not care about his relationship when i was also in one and happy in the beginning. now that i'm not and alone, i keep feeling like i'll never be able to be with anyone else.

[Belle]

I think he's just rebounding honestly. He was probably just as hurt as you were at the breakup of a 7 year relationship. The unfortunate thing is that after that long of a relationship, the guy is about ready to do whatever to make the next one happy so he doesnt' have to go through the pain again. Never good to be the one that trained teh guy. Better to find one who just got dumped or cheated on. He's probably got his head on a little straighter.

[dwbh]

I really feel for you. I was in a similar situation as yours- 8 years later he couldn't decide whether I was the "one" or not so I just had to take powers into my own hands and I dumped him. I would be so devastated if my ex proposed to another girl so soon. I can only imagine what you're going through.

 

You will never really know whether this relationship is for real or a rebound....we can speculate until forever, but what is the point? And sure it hurts- but i think the important thing is to be happy for him and keep it moving with your life. Yea so easier said than done, i know. And its so much easier to talk the talk than walk the walk, but you'll find how to be at peace with the situation by just accepting what happened and realize there's nothing you could have done to change the past and there's nothing you can do to change what's going on. I think forgiveness too is a good way of accepting and letting go.

 

If its too painful for you to talk to him then absolutely implement NC. However, if I were in a similar situation I would have taken the call to see what he had to say- and if it was to announce his engagement, I would wish him well and say a civil goodbye and walk away from the whole situation with some dignity and pride. Just my opinion, I guess. BIG HUGS to you. You will get through it. Be strong.

[EternalHindSight]

I too believe rebound, you watch the engagement will go on for years, and come to nothing, otherwise just sit back and smile as a divorce soon follows with a legal battle

 

I think you bounced back too quickly too with the dating thing, 7 years is soo long, i almost made 5 and its been 6 months now and im nowhere near ready to date, i have dated but i do the same thing and compare.

 

They say it takes half the relationship time to heal fully, so for u thats 3.5 years i hope it doesnt take that long.

 

Best of luck WITHOUT HIM

[mazurka]

I think you need to keep a bit of perspective.

 

I am pretty much on the receiving end of what you say as 2.5 years ago I broke up with my wife (Her decision), after 7 year relationship and I am now happily remarried.

 

I had a hard time getting over my ex, the breakup was amicable but there where a lot of unresolved feelings and to cut a long story short, although I dont care about her any less and there are latent feelings(You dont just forget 7 years), I made the decision to move on with my life in a direction of my choice with a person who I love and above all trust.

 

You dont say who initiated the breakup but that is not really important now.

 

My ex actually emailed me to tell me she had fallen in love with someone else. This was 2 years after we had split and it seems that although I initially had trouble accepting our split and divorce, that after 2 years it was her with the issues. I was then able to reply to her email that I was very happy she had found someone else, and that I was getting married because I had found someone else too.

 

So I thought alls well that ends well. We are both going to be happy and move on with our lives.

 

Not to be unfortunately, becuase she "ambushed " me and demanded a meeting which I stupidly accepted and to cut a long story short, she insinuated that she was open to the prospect of reconciling and said I was making a terrible mistake and that nobody had ever been able to communicate with her like I could etc

 

Bear in mind that before she asked for a divorce which I had granted becuase she wanted it, I was open to reconciliation and would have been prepared to attempt it but there was always some obscure reason why this couldnt be, which she never seemed able to successfully articulate, so I made peace with the fact that she did not love me anymore and moved on with my life.

 

When I met her she actually did her best to try and seduce me and in the end accused my fiance of getting in the way of "our" marriage. HANG ON!!! She emailed me to tell me she loved someone else and now she is throwing all this stuff at me on the eve of my new marriage?

 

You may wonder why I am telling you all this. Its becuase I think I may know what he is going through.

 

I would advise you to implement NC immediately and let him get on with whatever he feels he needs to do. I think it goes too far to say be happy for him but for his sake and yours, accept the decision and move on with your life.

 

As far as what he said about kids and marriage, I think as a guy it is possible to love someone but not want to have a family with them. Maybe this is how he felt about you, I dont know. I am only speaking from my own perspective and as someone who has been in a similar situation and may be able to offer some advice.

 

Whatever the reasons for his decision, he has made it and since you guys did break up, the best thing you can do is keep your distance.

 

Dont think that there is anything wrong with you either. Relationships are also about emotional experience and timing. Maybe his experience made him look into himself and really realise what he wanted, hence his decision to marry this other girl.

 

My point is that any involvement in this for you now, other than wishing him well, is probably going to cause much , hurt, pain and confusion for all involved.

[Murzilka]

Thank you guys, for your words of wisdom. I need that right now.

 

mazurka, he was the one who initiated the break up saying that he didn't think that he was made to be in a relationship, that we got together while we were too young and basically he wanted to sew his wild oates. Then he started this relationship with the current girl a month after our break up because he was miserable and wanted to feel good again(his words). In the beginning he told me that he wasn't serious about her and liked it that way. Now 8 month later he's engaged!? I just feel it was a mistake to stay friends with him. But we had a house we were selling and things that needed to be settled, so I thought it would be easier to be civil with each other rather than fight through this. Now, I do agree that we should stay away from each other. While I never would go back to him (or try to seduce him, like your ex did to you) it still hurts me very much and I still feel betrayed by him. His phone call, I feel, is just a manipulation to get me to give him my blessing and to say that I'm happy for him. Well, I can't do that right now. In time, I hope!

 

Thanks again.

[mazurka]

Murzilka,

 

Those extra details shed some more light on the situation

 

Guys are pretty strange, (I know I am one and a hurting guy is an even stranger beast.

 

The best advice, which has seen me through some pretty tough times, ever given to me was

 

"In matters of the heart, dont listen to what the person says, because their actions speak volumes, look at what they do and all your questions will be answered"

 

Your experiences kind of prove the statement becuase your ex told you one thing and then went and did nearly the polar oppisite of what he told you.

 

Who knows what his motivations are. Most guys I know are pretty emotionally inarticulate even in periods of relative emotional calm, so its possible that even he didnt know what he wanted or what was bothering him.

 

I would say he knows what he told you and wants to get let off the hook, by you offering your blessing. This would alleviate his guilt for misleading (A nice way of saying b£ll * * * *ting) you. Whether you want to let him off the hook is your business.

 

You maybe need to think about it in the way of, everything turns out for the best and you would not want to be in a relationship that he obviously had his reservations about, and took the easy way out by feeding you all the traditional breakup cliches.

 

Dont listen to what anybody else says about him becuase deep down in his heart, it is him and only him who knows if he is doing the right thing or not.

 

If it where me, I would not just offer my blessing to make him feel better, but you need to find a way which best seals off this chapter of your life for you.

 

Whether it be total no contact, a "no-reply" letter telling him you dont appreciate being lied too or letting sleeping dogs lie is pretty much up to you.

[onayrb]

I agree with Mazurka. And think you should reply along these lines by email/letter:

 

Dear "",

Thank you for contacting me. I am sure your attempt at contact was to notify me of your recent engagement, with the aim of assuaging your guilt for not being able to entertain such a concept of commitment when with me. If this is the case, then I am not concerned with helping you out here. In general though I do not wish you ill with your new "venture".

 

Good luck with the future. I suggest not contacting me again as I am far happier to continue moving on - as I have been doing so well, than to be reminded of the past.

[RayKay]

Hey hon,

 

That certainly sucks. I have been there, done that too. My relationship was not 7 years mind you, but he did get engaged within a few months after we ended it, and married within a year. And, he is very happy.

 

Honestly, I would not automatically say it is a rebound, it may be, but I have friends whom have ended long term relationships, and got engaged and married not long after and really are very happy together. Of course on the flipside, there are those whom definitely rebounded.

 

I am just saying, either way it does not matter because ultimately it is his choice. I know it hurts more to feel lied to than anything else. He may not have known he was "lying" - he maybe really did NOT feel like getting married until now, in either case it does mean he did not want to get married to you. And as much as it hurts, because of that it also means you would not want to be married to him...because you both need to want it to make it work and be committed to one another.

 

You deserve someone as into you as you are into them.

 

I am in agreement with the others about closing this chapter - that sample letter above from onary is great

[Murzilka]

Thanks everyone for your comments and suggestions. I really appreaciate complete strangers helping someone in need. I hope one day I can return the favor, though I don't wish anyone to be in a similar situation.

In any case, I've been doing much better since the initial finding out about this. Now I sort of feel sorry for them both for jumping into this. They might be flying high in lust right now, but things will change. Moreover, I hope to care less and less about what they are doing and feeling, and to care more and more about myself. I've realized through this process that all this is happening for a reason. I'm meant to find myself through all of this and to feel like a whole person again while not being a part of a couple.

 

onayrb- thanks for that sample letter. while i don't plan on contacting him again, if i was, that would have been perfect! thanks again!