Please Help ... Coming Out ... So Unbelievably Nervous!

[theoneandonly0708]

Hi everybody, I have posted a couple threads before about one of my good friends I really think maybe gay. I'm not going to get into the whole thing about him. But, I was talking to him online and he was saying that he was in love with me, blah, blah, blah nothing that I haven't heard before. So, I thought I'd test him a bit getting more in-depth about how he is with people being gay. But, I was so nervous. I was trying to come out to him in a subtle way but I just had to end it quickly because I'm too afraid of the outcome. Absolutely nobody knows that I am possible Bi/Gay. So I tell him that I'd rather talk about it in person and that I don't know if I can trust anybody and he is dieing to know saying he'll call me if I leave and what not. I keep telling him no it's to sophisticated and then he asks, "Are you gay?" at that point I had to say NO. Even though I want him to know the real truth I said no, and he said "So, what's the problem?" and I just couldn't I told him when we hang out next time I will tell him. PLEASE HELP ME AND GIVE ME SUGGESTIONS ON HOW TO COME OUT TO HIM!

[Imaginary]

It's like diving into a cooooooooool pool, just do it, if you go in step by step the cold will get to you and you will start getting out. So cut through the chase and get it out.

[theoneandonly0708]

But, I'm too worried about what he may think once he knows that I am... If I do come out to him, am I right about waiting in person rather than over the internet?

[Imaginary]

Well, if you want to make it more personal (and etc...) you would want to do it face to face, I personally don't see anything wrong about texting or emailing things like that, but I can see why some people wouldn't want to.

 

In the end it makes no difference, the information gets there, but even if I don't see anything wrong about going the electronical way I would prefer to do it in person.

[theoneandonly0708]

Do you think theres a chance he may know if he suddenly asked if I was gay?

[Imaginary]

Maybe, he might suspect it, since he asked, but there could be a lot behind it... you know? Like, you had trouble getting it out, so he could have thought that, but yeah, it's on his head.

[theoneandonly0708]

I could have said it right, then and there but I paused and said "No". I'm too afraid of his reaction and I was worried that he may have people near him or something that may read it. I only want select people to know who I can trust and who will accept me as if it makes no difference if I am gay or straight. I AM into my bestfriend, and we always had a very close friendship, my whole family suspects he's gay but I really feel he's in denial which is why I want to take the first step to see if he is willing to follow.

[Imaginary]

Well, if you want to take the first step go for it, but you'll have to stop worrying about his reaction, just assure yourself you are doing the right thing. Good luck. Also, remind him that you trust he won't tell anyone, that's important.

 

Gotta go now, hope I helped.

[theoneandonly0708]

I've never had such a strange, nervous-like feeling in my entire life. Ever since that conversation with him last night, I couldn't sleep, my mind was going crazy thinking "would of, could of, should of", but at the same time "what if, what will happen". I think he now has a hunch that I maybe gay, I mean why would he ask me? Even if I do tell him, I'm worried he will tell people, how can I make sure he won't ever tell a soul?

 

Here's an excerpt of the conversation by the way...

 

ME: but really *name* id rather not talk about this online idk if its secure

HIM: its secure

HIM: speak

HIM: !!

ME: i cant... you wouldnt understand its just ... idk if i can trust anybody

HIM: are you gay?

ME: no

HIM: so wats the problem

ME: idk its complicated

HIM: EXPLAIN

HIM: CUZ IM CONFUSED AS HELL

ME: see thats just it... i cant explain over the internet its impossible when we hang out next time ill tell you but over the internet no

HIM: i dont even know wat it is about that you need to tell me

ME: just forget it

HIM: k

HIM: i wont talk to you

HIM: until you tell me

ME: well fine then... i wont tell you until we are in person

HIM: you have a gf!

ME: no

ME: if i had a gf i would just go ahead and tell you lol

HIM: ooh

HIM: does somebody like me that i dont know about

ME: no we'll talk about this later... i g2g

HIM: tel now!

HIM: ill call your freakin house

[theoneandonly0708]

Okay, so tomorrow we are planning on hanging out and he may sleep over... Any suggestions on how I should approach to coming out to him, or at least giving him some hint?

[arwen]

Why did you deny? He asked you if you were gay, there was an opportunity? Or did you tell him in between? (since he's coming over?)

 

Ok, I'd just tell him about your feelings. Tell him that you like him more than you normally like guys and that these feelings are new for you.

 

Ilse

[xoxevanescencexox]

Just be yourself,

talk to him like nothing happened just like say Im sorry I didnt tell you at firts because I was scared and comfused at the time you asked if I was gay...

but im ok now ect...

I dont know I hope it helps a little

[theoneandonly0708]

I don't know why I denied it, I was so nervous and all these things were going on in my head thinking about what he would think of me from that day on, etc. I want to make sure he's okay with it, but the fact that he asked me means he probably had an idea, but who knows...

 

He's not sleeping over tonight anymore, but he's still coming over tonight as far as I know... Hopefully he will ask me about it again, otherwise I'll have to just try and bring it up again...

[xoxevanescencexox]

y would you want to make sure hes ok with it?

he likes you and you obviously like him...

just flirt with him, but remember it always bothers me to think this way but if you like him ALOT!! make sure your not makin a mastake and if you date him do you want your friend ship to change if you brake up?

Almost after a brake up friendship change like your not the same friends you were before you dated...

But just think about it before you make a move.

I hope I helped a little..

heres wat I think about life think about life think posative and someting good will come out of it, but think nagative somtin bad will comeout.....

[theoneandonly0708]

I just don't understand, sometimes he seems like he is, sometimes he's not. I blew the oppurtunity, he DID in fact bring it up again, but I became way to nervous again, and just froze and said it was nothing. Ugh, I feel so close but I'm so far away. I think he's just a waste at this point. It seems like nobody will understand me, I feel like I can't trust anybody, I'm afraid they'll let the whole world know, and I don't want that to happen. If this society wasn't so damn stereotypical and actually accepted people like me, like would be so much easier. When I feel like telling him, suddenly I feel thousands of thoughts going through my head... He's gonna hate me, He won't talk to me anymore, He'll tell everybody he knows, He'll tell my family which would want to make me just die instantly, or he'll tell his own family and they'll never like/speak to me again because they're so religious. I'm writing this all while he's asleep right now. It sucks, like today he was like I think you and me should shoot all the gay people, that threw me completely off what I wanted to do and I just lost it and became devastated to a point where I felt like I had no more hope in trusting anybody, especially if their like the way he was when he said that. But oddly enough, after he said that, that's when he brought up the IM Conversation... I am in such confusion, nerve-wrecking state it's ridiculous. I feel depressed now...

[xoxevanescencexox]

Dont feel depressed...

well if you have any problems talk to your really close friends that you can trust your life with..

And if anyone like someone you dont like ask if you are gay/bi just deny it be like were did you hear that * * * * from?

[theoneandonly0708]

Okay, so here's the story, he had already went to sleep he had to work tomorrow, so I was thinking about leaving him a simple little note that I needed to talk to him about that and I lied earlier when he asked me what it was all about. So, I was halfawake this morning when he woke up and he was reading it, and of course he stuck it on my forward when I was like waking up. But anyways, I felt like crap all morning, thinking he thought it was a joke and all. So, me and my dad (who I work for) came home for a late lunch around 1:45ish... I ate and we relaxed for a while... I was upstairs and my dad was taking a nap downstairs, then I heard him yelling at my dog insanely, then I thought I heard a car engine pull in the driveway. So, I looked out and it was *HIS* car! I was shocked he just stopped over. So anyways he was just looking right into my eyes and said "I got your Post-It thing, you liar... (smiling)"... I just kinda lauged it off giving him a look because my dad was right down there with us and I didn't want him getting suspicious... I think he might have come over to ask me again... I don't know... Sorry to cut this short but he just IM'd me, and asked me again... and he said "Are You Gay?" again, then he said, "If not, there are no problems then...", great he pushes me away from telling him more and more I talk to him, I denied it again and he's pissed at me now because I won't tell him, if he's like so homophobic and won't be able to accept WHO I AM rather than WHAT I AM he was never a friend at all...

[Rizby]

Coming out takes practise. It's a craft that has got to be mastered such that the recipient receives the news with minimal emotional impact.

 

You may want to rehearse a bit before coming out formally. I find for my case, it certainly helps. Each person you come out to requires a different approach. It gets easier along the way.

 

Best of Luck.

 

R

[trueblue30]

I understand how you feel about coming out. This is what I did. I looked in my heart and I discovered who I trusted most, and I just told. It went better than I ever expected. My parents are taking some time to come around, but they're from the old school--uneducated, not to mention religious. However, the dialogue that we are having is really helping. You would not believe how many people actually really don't care one way or the other. It's NOT wrong to be gay. Also, you know I have a friend who I thought was homophobic. It turns out he's far from it and very accepting of my lifestyle. I'm wondering if maybe you are so afraid of him being homophobic that it's clouding you're judgment of how he will respond to you. If he's really your friend, it won't be a problem, trust me. Maybe a letter is a good idea. That's what I did and there were no questions or comments or anything bad from anyone. It all went very well (again, except for my parents but that doesn't bother me so much as they're coming around). Well, I hope some of this helps. Be confident with yourself. Trust me, you do know who you can trust, you just have to look inside your heart. Good luck and I really hope everything works out for you.

[ScaredFawn]

OneandOnly,

I totally understand why you said no when he asked if you were gay! When I was about 16 one night, I said to my sister I have a secret, one day I'll tell you. Right away she said Are you a lesbian?

LOL I freaked out and got really defensive, NO! What makes you think that! No way. No.

lol

Another time in the pool, with my sister and my mom, I was talking about my favorite actress and my mom said something that went along the lines of me having some lesbian tendancies, she wasnt saying it in a negative way, she is open minded. I got totally pissed, threw a fit, left the pool. So I understand. Good luck!