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Difference between emotional control and delusion


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Emotional control.

 

This is something that I've been really trying to work

on and have a hard time doing.

My emotions TOTALLY take over me.

(it takes ALOT for me to get angry, but I'm either

REALLY happy and excited...or sad and crying my eyes out).

 

The way I under stand it, our emotions are a result of the interpretations we make of the events around us.

 

It goes like this:

 

EVENT-->INTERPRETATION-->EMOTION-->ACTION

 

So you can actually control your emotions

by changing the way you think.

 

Now, what I have a hard time grasping is how this "changing the

way you think" thing...is not delusional.

 

For instance, say your girlfriend breaks up with you.

You can think:

a) i wasn't good enough to her...the sex was bad...etc.

b) i was TOO good to her and she has self-sabotaging issues

and couldn't handle such a good relationship.

 

Obviously, (b) will make you feel better about yourself and

it puts all of the blame on your gf.

But, how do you know that that's the truth??

How do you know that it isn't (a) and by thinking be that's

not the REAL reason for the breakup and you're just living

a fantasy world?

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I think the kind of thinking you're describing are defense mechanisms. We all use them and they help us out of a lot of painful experiences. I agree with you in questioning when it becomes a delusion and not a defense mechanism. I don't know the answer to that but sometimes this kind of thinking is the only thing keeping us sane...

 

interesting post

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It goes like this:

 

EVENT-->INTERPRETATION-->EMOTION-->ACTION

 

So you can actually control your emotions

by changing the way you think.

 

Nope.

 

You are not changing the way you think, you must change the interpretation. The event by itself means nothing, it will mean what you make it up to be, or the interpretation you give it.

 

Now, what I have a hard time grasping is how this "changing the

way you think" thing...is not delusional.

 

Again, change the interpretation, not the way you think.

 

For instance, say your girlfriend breaks up with you.

You can think:

a) i wasn't good enough to her...the sex was bad...etc.

b) i was TOO good to her and she has self-sabotaging issues

and couldn't handle such a good relationship.

 

Obviously, (b) will make you feel better about yourself and

it puts all of the blame on your gf.

But, how do you know that that's the truth??

How do you know that it isn't (a) and by thinking be that's

not the REAL reason for the breakup and you're just living

a fantasy world?

 

 

What about... gasp.... taking responsibility?

 

c) Next time I'll be a good man to my partner, I'll make sure I'm satisfying her at an emotional and phisical level, and I'll commit to a relationship with someone that actually meets the expectations I'm looking for in a partner.

 

See, c is both of yours, a and b together, but, it is not puting the blame on anyone. A is playing the guilty role, "oh, I'm so bad, I deserve to die!", B is the victim role "oh, she was awfull, she deserves to die". None of them are constructive. By being constructive you are giving yourself a chance to move on, and learn from your past experience:

 

If the relationship failed:

 

- Were you fully commited?

- Were you trying hard enough to make it work?

- And last, but not least, were you with someone you truly could see yourself forever?

 

Even if she was a coldblooded stone hearted female dog, hate to break it on you, but you chose her as your partner.

 

So for the next time:

 

- Commit to the relationship

- Do your best to make it work

- Get into a relationship with someone you truly can see yourself with for a long time

 

What can we get from your "b" option:

 

"b) i was TOO good to her and she has self-sabotaging issues and couldn't handle such a good relationship."

 

Oh, well, I'm perfect, she didn't deserved me. So I'll just keep looking for someone else.

 

Notice that there is nothing on yourself to improve?

 

What can we get form "a" option:

 

"a) i wasn't good enough to her...the sex was bad...etc."

 

"I wasn't good enough to her" So I'll settle with someone with lower expectations, so next time "I'll be good enough".

 

Note: Just an example based on your example. Not to resemble any real event.

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What about... gasp.... taking responsibility?

 

hmmmm...

i wasn't meaning defense mechs or not taking responsiblity.

 

maybe i didn't give a good example.

 

here's another:

 

a) you're stuck in traffic - feel happy, because there's a kick@ss

song on the radio...it's friday...you're sneaking out of work early

to hit happy hour with some friends...it's all good!

b) you're stuck in traffic - YOU'RE TOTALLY PISSED OFF!!

you have meeting with a client and you're already 20 mins late..

 

same event-->different thinking/interpretation-->different emotion.

 

so....

supposedly you can automatically train your mind to change your

thought process/interpretation and have the "happy" emotion in

either (and all) cases.

 

 

another example...

 

you go to a club....try to get a girl's phone number.

she looks at you like you have 3-heads and walks away.

you could either think:

 

a) she doesn't like me....

b) she must be having a bad day and she really missed out

on a great opportunity to get to know fantastic ME!!

 

and i can understand how it works with the traffic jam example.

(i still don't know how to automatically go to a "good" interpretation tho).

 

but, i don't know how to appy it to the other example.

what if she REALLY doesn't like you? and that's what the truth is?

 

i'm actually reading this:

 

link removed

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you go to a club....try to get a girl's phone number.

she looks at you like you have 3-heads and walks away.

you could either think:

 

a) she doesn't like me....

b) she must be having a bad day and she really missed out

on a great opportunity to get to know fantastic ME!!

 

and i can understand how it works with the traffic jam example.

(i still don't know how to automatically go to a "good" interpretation tho).

 

but, i don't know how to appy it to the other example.

what if she REALLY doesn't like you? and that's what the truth is?

 

i'm actually reading this:

 

link removed

 

 

If you reject the idea, you'll never grasp the concept. I can type for hours giving you examples, and if you don't want, you won't understand it, you'll just keep coming with worse and worse examples.

 

 

The club one, you can give it MANY interpretations like:

 

- I'm glad I'm not stuck with her, so I'm free to meet someone I really like

- Whatever, I didn't liked her that much

- Her boyfriend is lucky, where do I get one like her, maybe I'll ask her if she has a sister

- ETC

 

And by the way, you already got the main one, just try to interpret it correctly:

 

a) she doesn't like me....

 

- Because how i aproached her?

 

b) she must be having a bad day and she really missed out

on a great opportunity to get to know fantastic ME!!

 

- Her loss

 

Next time I'll be more confident when I aproach her, avoiding to babble whatever I say (or whatever you think you did wrong), and, in fact, she is missing the oportunity to get to know a great person.

 

 

Can you go out and run the marathon? (OK, maybe you run as excersice) Can you go out and drive an F1 car and beat Fernando Alonso?

 

Of course you can't. You've got to train yourself, train your mind, the more you do it, the more your mind will get used to do it, keep doing it and at one point it will be almost automatic for you. Though, if you don't really want it, you'll find a way to interpret it the worse way possible.

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