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Completely Lost Now


vagabond
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I just finished talking to a woman semi-friend and my hopes and dreams are dashed. I feel numb and completely lost.

 

I had been hoping to move to a new town next year, maybe move around to find a nice place, then start a family one day. In a nutshell, this woman said I am naive and selfish... that I don't know what I'm doing... I'm making the biggest mistake of my life... that it would be wrong to move and have a baby away from the rest of our family. There was so much more to it than that given that it was a two-hour AIM conversation. She concluded by inviting me to her church to learn to accept God into my life and submit all my decisions to him for approval, etc.

 

I am totally deflated. My heart is cold. I have no direction anymore. This one God-fearing God-loving woman completely demolished all of my happy optimistic life plans. I don't know what to do anymore. I feel like crawling onto the floor and falling asleep and never waking up. I feel like buying a plane ticket to the Himalayas and never returning. I feel like none of my plans will work, my dreams are stupid and won't happen, and that I'm a terrible, selfish, controlling wife. I'm not even mad or upset... I'm just so sad and confused... a little numbness too. blah.

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It's 1:30am, I'm tired. She's a very strong woman and I take her seriously. I say semi-friend because I don't get to see or talk to her often. But when we do talk, we usually have very enlightening conversations. Maybe I caught her at a bad time (she in unexpectedly pregnant with her 7th child). Regardless, her opinions and feelings mean something. She is wiser than me, she is 10 years older than me. She said these things to me and I need to consider them.

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Hun she is my age! Also you say she is on her 7th child, I would say she doesnt want you to go because of jealousy. You are young, have no ties, and CAN move she on the otherhand has 7 children and cant up and move.

 

Time to start thinking for yourself my dear. A true friend will support you not dismiss your dreams.

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That's horrible. Whatever her 'reasons' for tearing you down for two hours straight, just recognize she wasn't being a good friend. Dismiss it.

 

Some people are expert at getting others to do what they want. It's a fine line between excellent manipulation and wisdom.

 

Have a good rest. Your hopes and dreams are valid, and you'll remember that in the morning.

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I don't think age makes wiser necessarily. She is unexpectedly pregnant with her seventh child, very god-fearing, and eager to preach about your life choices. That is not wise, but narrowminded if you ask me. A lot of people move far from their family, be it for work, a new start, love, or other reasons. Why do her comments affect you so much?

 

Ilse

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You guys have made me feel better. I think she affects me so much because she's my husband's boss's wife. Maybe. I don't want to think that she's jealous that we get to move and she can't for at least 18 years... but maybe she is. She told me that it is naive and she thinks unwise to move. I can't think this way otherwise it means I will be stuck in Dela[where?] for the rest of my life and that would not be adventurous or fun at all! I got all worked up over it last night, but I'm starting to think it was cause it was late and I was tired. Now I've slept a bit and don't feel beat down anymore. Your words have only helped. PLEASE I do need some more encouragement. I am still worried that what if she's right and if we move, we may ruin our lives and kill any chance of having children.

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No, she isn't right. I taste some jealousy in her remarks. I think she is preaching this because she wishes her life turned out in another way. You are her junior, more free, you are not tied down by a family or stuck in a town that bores you. Don't listen to her. Listen to your heart. I moved for uni when I was 18, 60 km from my home town. I build up a new life there for 7 years, and I moved 300 km up north to do my phd at another uni. Those are hard decisions, but also really exciting, adventourous and really great experience to learn about yourself.

 

Ilse

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Being older, and having more kids is not an automatic pass to being "wiser" for the record sweetie

 

I agree with the others, that I find her motives rather "suspect" and I also find her degradation of your dreams quite horrible. I too see a great degree of perhaps jealousy at the idea of you being free to move, while she is unable too. From the outside, her life may seem "perfectly balanced" but, I would say you don't always know what goes on behind closed doors.

 

It is YOUR choice what to do with your life path, and whether to accept religion or not in your life, and where you want to move. I am sure your family would also be supportive of that. Sure, it's nice having them near when you have kids, but there is no reason there will not be support, or "new family" built in a new area with new friends, etc.

 

I wonder why you put so much weight on what this 'semi friend' says anyway? If these are YOUR dreams, they are yours and no one elses to take away from you.

 

And I sure don't see how moving would "kill" any of your chances of having kids, those are not at ALL related to one another!.....

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She did say she didn't want to be in Delaware either, but she has to be, but maybe she will be able to move in many years. She has told me in the past that she and her husband would like to move out west. You all who mentioned jealousy are probably right. That is probably one motivating factor for her words. My mindset and thinking are so different from hers, it's hard to come up with other reasons for her berating. Maybe they're worried about losing their star employee. Maybe she really wants to see our baby (when we have one) and feels she'd miss out if we left. Maybe she feels like helping us is a mission from God. *shrug* I think SO entirely differently from her, I just don't know. All I know now, after reading all of your posts, is that a real friend doesn't smash down someone's desires and dreams, even if they're 4 months pregnant with an unexpected 7th child. (as a side note, it's not her biological 7th child... think Brady Bunch... divorced with 3 each and now their first biological child as a newly married couple).

 

I DO think we can move and be successful and make things work. But if worse came to worst, we can move back here where we have tons of family and no harm done. Her comments have made me wonder why I really want to move. Am I trying to run away from something? I don't think so. I just feel like there's more out there. I've lived in Delaware since birth. I need to try out other places! Yeah, it might be hard, but it couldn't be worse than here!

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