Deep, Deep Place

[dahliliama]

I am writing for advice in regards to problems that I am having with my marriage. I have been married for 12 years and have 2 beautiful girls, almost 7 and 5 years of age. The problem I have currently is that an emotional disconnect over the entire life of our marriage has occurred. This is primarily due to emotional distance of my wife. She is a child of divorced parents, divorcing when she was 10. She developed emotional issues related to this. I knew of this prior to marriage, but what has resulted from this is an extreme negativity in regards to criticism of my behavior along the lines of do 9/10 things right and it is the one thing that was done wrong that was focused upon. We had more sexual intimacy in the first year of our marriage, however, we probably had sex maybe 6 to 8 times. In the second year of our marriage, we had sex twice. I asked her what the problem was. Is she not attracted to me, does she not love me? She said yes to both. She stated that she just has issues with sex and it is not reflective on me. In our marriage, we also would have no other physical contact when I would come home from work, no hugging. We also stopped holding hands when walking down the street, movies etc. I would try to do this, but I would percieve a distance when attempting to do this. I am a very romantic person, would give her cards, write poems for her, write songs etc, but she never seemed too impressed with my efforts, so I stopped doing this. I entered a deep, deep place inorder to survive the lack of emotional contact. Our sexual frequency has been about 6 times a year since that second year. I thought about leaving her the 2nd or 3rd year of marriage, and would ask her to be nicer to me, but she did not change her behavior. I am a very mellow and patient person. I am a doctor and I love my job, so I put more of my time into my work. The reason I bring this up is that in medicine, there is 8 years of medical school and residency, so the ability to tolerate delayed gratification is kind of ingrained.

We had 2 children, not because I necessarily thought it would change things, but because I felt like I had identified my coping mechanism. This did not really bring us closer, but I have redirected my love into my girls. I am up early on the weekends with them, in charge of bathing them and putting them to bed with stories.

My wife started to enjoy sex more over the past 2 years, but I found that when we were having relations, I did not get a feeling of closeness to her. I felt like it was more of a need being fulfilled, which is not too much of an issue with me because my idea of sex is to represent a deep emotional attachment to that person.

A few weeks ago, after some deep soul searching, I realized that I could not go on like this and I was so emotionally disconnected from her, that I was thinking about a divorce. She stated that she was totally floored and that she could not believe that I felt this way and that she always thought nice things about me, but just would not say them. She stated that she values our marriage more that anything. She has been despondent over all this and asked why did I not tell her this before. I had told her multiple times to be nicer to me, but it wasn't until I told her that I would be leaving that she really realized what she had done. She totally understands how this has affected me and makes no excuses. She just wants me back.

My difficulty is that I'm not sure if I can get over all of the resentment I have. I do love her, but I feel bitter about all I have been through. We never really fight or scream at eachother. I suggested we go to counseling, which she also wants to do. I just do not know if I can get back to the place that I need to be to stay with her. I feel so badly for what this will do to the children. Do I go for my happiness or stay for the sake of others. I would appreciate opinions on this. Thanks.

[crookster_man]

The answer is simple enough; you must make yourself happy first before you can make anyone else happy. You only live once, and it is a short life, so make the best of it.

 

I also believe that marriage is a life long commitment. So you should give it a chance. Counselling is a good idea, critical actually. The lack of sex is extremely disconcerting. Personally I would have never married a woman who wasn't interested in a sexual relationship. This is CRITICAL to a healthy loving relationship; don't let ANYONE tell you otherwise.

 

Either way, be true to yourself. Never do something to please others that is against your wishes. There is no honour in senseless suffering. The goal of every human life is to find happiness and contentment.

[Aura Seeker]

Hi there,

 

You know....I hear a lot of the same from people who have been married for awhile. In fact, I have yet to hear any contrary. "We have been married for 7 years, sex is awesome, intimacy is awesome and nobody carries any baggage!" ;-)

 

I am just beginning to think this is just the nature of the beast. Will it be different if you marry someone else? Will the sex be there, and this woman have no issues? May be different ones.....but issue free? I am sure in the beginning it will seem that way, because everything is exciting and great at first.

 

If I were you....and I am not ;-)....I would try to focus on things like.....you don't fight a lot, she isn't cheating or gambling your money away, she has been a good stable mother to your children, it WILL not be the same with your kids when you leave, and then sooner or later another man comes to fill your shoes on a day to day basis.

 

I think the question is, are you willing to gamble what you have that IS good now (besides the emotional detachment issues that maybe she can and seems willing to address?) and risk that the next woman's issues may be a LOT worse than what you have now. Another woman could end up having issues about jealousy regarding your children or your ex or just myriads of scenarios that will end up being just as uncomfortable?

 

My vote? Stick it out. I think that is what marriage is all about. For better or worse. You are just going through one of the "worse" moments.

 

Just my opinion.....and I don't know much about relationships...LOL Just people.

 

A

[lipstick]

Give your wife another chance................

Don't crew up all those years with her for nothing........

She is your faminly......with your kids........

Instead of accusing her .......ask her whats wrong?

Why doesn't she enjoy sex anymore or why is she so far away from you..................

 

P.S. Its your family......................

its normal that she wants you back , because as you said she probably knows whats its like to not to have a full family........(when she was a kid she said her parents get divorced). So now she whats you back , cause she doesn't her kids the feel the same as she felt ,when she was a kid........Think of you kids first..........and give her a chance.....

Maybe if you clould start on writting a romantic poems to her again would be a good start..........best of luck

[tayandie412]

I wish I could vote one way or the other in your situation. I have been in the exact same place, and did it over a span of 18 years. It is not easy, and I don't envy you for the road you are on.

 

In my case, I ended up asking for a divorce after 18 yrs of marriage. I got the same response from my ex - "I'll change", "I don't understand", shock - you name it. I was just so tired of being with someone but emotionally alone at that point in time I was unable to work things out with him. We divorced, have remained 'friends' for the sake of our sons. He met a woman and has remarried, and he thanked me for initiating the break. He was unhappy too, but unable to realize while we were together.

 

I spent so much time and energy and emotion beating myself up over tearing my boys lives apart and my ex. In the end it just wasn't the case. It has been difficult, but it was for the best.

 

I wish you the best.