A Day At A Time...

[lioness726]

So, I thought I would start a thread that I feel we all could use.

 

It's kind of like a journal of your day to day progress, relapse, or whatever. You basically come here and write what you're feeling about your ex. If you're feeling upset and want to vent, purge, or get all your sadness out. Or you could write about how proud of yourself you are, your achievements, and your progress.

You can also write about if your ex had contacted you, you saw them or ran into them, you heard something that pissed you off or made you sad... Or you can write about someone new you met or went on a date with...

 

Whatever the mood or circumstance, you pour it out here. You could read others, know you're not the only one, offer words of encouragement or condolences to others. I guess you could call it the Day to Day Support group thread.

 

 

I'll start:

 

Wednesday was my birthday, and Saturday was my birthday party. You would think that being surrounded by such wonderful friends and people that I wouldn't be feeling depressed.

 

It has been 7 weeks since my ex and I broke up. We had broken up twice before and both times only lasted a month at the most. It now has officially been longer than the other two times so I guess it's actually starting to feel more permanent. That scares me.

 

I've also realized that yes, I really did love him. And I still do. I had such a hard time saying that before. But now I don't. I was hurting so much while in the relationship, that I was having a hard time knowing if I really was still in love with him. I worried so much, freaked out so much, and just made myself sick constantly. It was hard to see past that and look at the love. Now that I'm not IN the relationship anymore, I don't have that worry, sick feeling, or pain. All I'm left with are the memories and the love. And that hurts soo much more.

 

Now the pain I feel is that I once had something so special. Something so wonderful that most people spend their whole lives searching for it. And I ended up finding it. I HAD it. But now I have to live without it. It was so easy living without it before, because I never knew what this feeling was. I never knew love. And now I do, and now I want it but I can't have it.

 

I know I broke up with him. I know I gave it away. But deep in my heart, I knew I HAD to. He was never going to come around and be the man that he should have been.

 

He took me for granted and did things that showed such a huge lack in maturity. He hurt me so many times because he was thoughtless and selfish. I know he loved me and I know he loves me still. If I could, I would turn back the hands of time. I actually would, had I the power, go back to the past. But I can't. And I know I HAVE to do this. He and I both were on a downhill path toward destruction. I ended it before I lostl myself completely.

 

I've been going out so much and doing so many new things. I've met a lot of new people and made a lot of new friends. I'm not insecure about myself nor do I feel unloved, or unworthy of love. However, I can't rid this pain and loneliness. I worry that I may not be able to fall in love with someone again. I worry that there won't be another man that I'm as attracted to and sexually and mentally compatible with.

 

My ex and I butted heads many, many times. But there were also a lot of times where when I was with him, I felt like I was... home.

I've also realized how much I had learned from him and how much he and I grew together. I don't feel that we grew apart, I feel that we really did grow together and probably would have continued to grow together.

 

But I can't forget about the reasons why I ended it. His lack of maturity, his mistakes in the past, and his unwillingness to help heal the wounds which were caused by those mistakes, were all things that were tearing me down. I have to remember how my heart was breaking while I was still with him. And prior to leaving him, I had done practically everything to work on things. All that was left, was to move on.

 

And now I'm trying. But I keep finding myself experiencing things that I want to tell him about or things that he would have loved to hear...

 

I guess I'm having a rough couple of days.

[salmonhead_uk]

Hey hun,

 

I can totally sympathise.

 

I didn't break up with my ex, but he didn't really break up with me. It was a horrid night of him crying and saying "what do we do?" and me in silence knowing that I had to give it up - i was losing myself, I was uncertain, he was ruining friendships I had with his jealous, I was ruining him in some respects because there was a lot of love just not a lot of empathy and care for one another. We learnt a lot of stuff from each other, we went through some terrible times together, but it wasn't enough to make him right for me or me for him. I couldn't get over his mistakes, the way he dealt with life, so different from my own. In the end I left his house, though he didn't want me to. My reasoning being that we couldn't even agree on being together or not, and that seemed my cue to leave. How would we ever move 10years down the line and deal with the big stuff? Wouldn't happen.

 

We are exactly the same age, you and I, so I know what you mean about worrying whether you'll find anyone to be in love with again. I know I've had past boyfriends that I was with for 2 years upward and that after these I found other people. If I am honest of COURSE we'll find love. We will. Like that amazing inspirational post you wrote when a little tipsy (see I remember it!) we will. We are so young.

 

The thing is that I am not ready to be in love. I am tired of it all. I know my heart and thoughts are still with him, thought I still feel he doesn't deserve it (he's desperatly trying to get with a 30 year old that lives 2 hours away from him), but I know that for all the special moments and the joy of companionship I just can't do it yet. I dont want to go forth and find someone, it'd feel like a farce. I'm busy getting myself back. I mean, horrible as it is, since the split I've found out that I have soooo many friends, that I can get along with anyone, that I dont need to take * * * * off of people as previous. My career is looking up, I've finished my degree, I've salvaged old friendships and made new. The future is bright.

 

But, when I'm bored, I tend to wallow in the past - which is why I come here. He was not the one for me or it'd be working. We used to argue and break up every weekend, he was not on my wavelength - when we started I thought we'd work well for one another, him the chilled out pot-smoker me the stressy student, but it didn't. He didn't want his world turned upside down by someone else that pushed too hard for him to ever go along with. So, I have dreams about him, I have been ignoring calls from him, emails, he doesn't want me. I clarified this by dropping all my pride and asking for a final go. I dont know why i did this - a month ago. But i think it was the desperation to be wanted again. Thankfully he didn't want me back. I say thankfully because I'm more of a real person now, not a partner and an underdog.

 

It's so hard though. It's been 3 months. 1 since we had sex again and I got badly hurt. I can't help disliking him and I dont want to because I dont think it's healthy. He's just something I have to avoid. I dont want to be in pain, it's better than it was - miles better. this is what I keep reminding myself, a little while ago I was devestated from sun-up to sun-down, now he figures in my mind in a bittersweet ache. Soon that will go too.

 

Keep strong hun. It was an experience and will be of use. If your anything like me one minute you dont even think of it, the next you are obsessed with the thoughts. Hold tight. It will pass.

 

xxxxxxx

[coolchick]

Thank you both for sharing your stories, i have never felt such a good feeling knowing that you both are going through the same situation as me. You both sound like such strong women and i admire you so much for it. You make more sense than ive convinced myself for a long time.

 

I too, am nearly 23 this year and have never felt more alone when i think about it, despite being am surrounded by loving family and friends who are all there to help me. I was with my ex for nearly 5 years and we also split numerious times for just a few days at a time. Last year, we split for nearly 6 months due to him changing into a completely different person (his job changed him) We later got back together after him saying that he realised how much i was the only one he wanted in his life. We even bought a house together in february this year and it was his way of showin me his commitment. He left tho after 6 weeks and now its been torture sorting out the house and dealing with lawyers.

 

He isnt the person i knew atall anymore I stupidly thought the old person i had fell in love with was back, but he wasnt. The new person is full of hatred for me, tells me that im a nothing, thinks im stupid and just constantly puts me down because i could do nothing right. We didnt even have an argument when he left. He just decided to tell me that he no longer loved me and sent me a text saying he was moving out Once again, he starts going out with anyone and everyone, he even drove up past our home with girls in the car when i was outside in my own car It hurts so much, if i knew what i had done wrong i could maybe accept our breakup but still to this day he doesnt give me a reason.

 

Like you both say, there is a lot going for me, i sit and listen to him telling me how stupid and niave i am and how i was just lazy to not get a full time job. That couldnt have been further from the truth, i was at university full time studying and also working a part time job which made up my 7 day week. Ive just graduate there and am a teacher now. Passed my driving test and working hard. I feel angry at myself for letting him put a downer on my accomplishments. I dont need him in my life as he isnt a nice person anymore. But i still grief for the man i used to love and spent 5 great years of my life with. Its like my other half died and was replaced by this horrible person still using my man's body. How can i grief for the love of my life when his body still passes me in my town every day?

 

Sorry this is so long guys. Thanks for listening x

[lioness726]

Thank you both for your replies.

 

Any man that puts you down is not worth it. And when you're in a longer relationship (5 years), people do change. My ex and I were together for close to three years and he and I were growing together. We were changing, but I think we were maturing together. However, he really wasn't working on US. Despite all my efforts to make it work, a relationship can only work when BOTH partners are working on things.

 

My ex has told some of his friends that he knows he screwed up the relationship. He's now seeing a therapist and has told me recently that he thinks we can be together in the future. Just not now because of all the things he has to work on with himself and his life. He said he can see himself settling down with me...

 

I don't know though. A friend asked me, "Would you take him back?" And I said, "Not now. Not like this."

 

But I really can't dwell on him and the past. I have to keep moving forward. It's hard to break old habits though. I keep looking at my phone for a call or text. I wish I had those calls at the end of the night with a "Goodnight and I love you" attached to it... It's all the old habits. Having someone to cuddle with. To make those little inside jokes with.

 

I've always been the relationship type girl, but this was the first time I actually loved someone. It really was love...

[cherriecheek]

im afraid my ex did more damage to me than i realize. damage that will surface once i start dating again...

 

our relationship was full of trust and honestly. we did not fight and shared many of the same interests...

 

because he broke up with me in the middle of a solid relationship with no turmoil, proclaiming i was a great girlfriend (while breaking up!) how am i supposed to trust any sort of relationship now?

 

with the next guy that comes along, even if everything is great, its going to be hard to think they are secretly not planning on ending things. i almost wish the relationship ended because of cheating, a fight or a personality clash...at least i would have something to work with and improve on for future relationships. but no, i walk away thinking i was a great girlfriend and yet my relationship still went down the drain. im left with nothing to improve on. im literally standing here, with nothing.

[lioness726]

Ok, here's my day:

 

I got fired from my job today.

Yeah, I started crying because it's like this: I go through a break up 7 weeks ago with a guy I was with for nearly 3 years. And now, for the first time in my life, I got fired from a job. Granted I HATED the job, and since I'm still living at home and going to school, I'm not iminently pressed for money.

 

I have a friend who is completely understanding and is there for me since she recently was laid off and a few months ago, went through a bad break up herself.

 

But I can't believe this happened! I cried more over this than the break up. Well, since it was the third break up between my ex and me, I guess you could say that I've had my share of tears.

 

But what do I do now? I know I have to look for a new job, but I'm worried about how long I will be without money. I'm suppossed to be going to Vegas labor day weekend, and I'm afraid I won't be able to afford it. I guess when it rains, it pours.

 

I drove home from hanging out with a friend and I had to drive the route past my ex's street and everything. I wanted to cry driving by and I haven't felt like that in awhile. I HAD been doing soo good. Now it feels like the break up happened not 7 weeks ago, but 2 weeks ago. I guess when you go through something like this, you wish that person was there to hold you and comfort you. Kiss you, and tell you that things will be ok.

 

I said, "Wow. What a time for change." No more bf. No more job. New friends and new places. I'm actually going camping on Thursday with friends for the very FIRST time in my life. I've NEVER gone camping! It's suppossed to be hot and we'll be partying all weekend at the lake. Like I said, new things.

 

But I still miss him. And now I don't even have money to pay for things that make me happy! I really was going to start a relationship with shoes! Lol.

I hope things will be ok. Lately things have been quite life changing and painful. It's hard.

 

I think I knew something bad was going to happen. That's why I had been feeling so sad and depressed... I think I knew I was going to loose my job, but I did nothing to stop it. I know I only stayed there because of its flexibility and the fact that I was getting paid. Other than that, I really did HATE that job.

Like my friend said earlier, I settle for too much. I settled for a crappy bf. I settled for a crappy job. Maybe I will be able to change that...

[salmonhead_uk]

You will be fine sweetheart, like you say, you're studying and you can find a job and it's probably the break you need from the ex to be honest - instead of walking into work remembering how you walked in after seeing him and stuff, and then over the days of the break-up walking in through those doors feeling bad, you'll walk into somewhere fresh and be someone new, you as you not as you with a boyfriend and then as someone who doesn't have a boyfriend (does that make sense).

 

I had a good day (this is proof that the upsides come) I didnt get a job I went for but the HR manager told me to come back for an interview for a better job - my dream job as editorial assistant for a publishing company. Screw my ex and his call centre job, I'm gonna get this job and be amazing at it (next Tues I go so i'll let you know).

 

I have got a wedding to go to this sat and instead of feeling sad that the ex wont be with me I'm actually looking forward to going as a single girl and seeing that it can happen - finding true love - and just dance about and have some wine. No-one to judge me on my partner, just me. Gonna be great!

 

What else...one of my friends is flirting with me loads and it's making me a little uncomfortable - he's just come out of a relationship where the girl cheated, with another guy at the same time as him for 11months! Scandalous huh? She must have issues. It's nice to get attention but I'm finding it a bit scarey. Dont know whether to just have a fling or not. would rather not ruin the friendship.

 

Still, looking at passing cars and wondering if the ex is in them, and now and again if i hear his name it makes me feel a bit funny, but other than that, onwards and upwards. And you will find a job you love this time - if you've got no financial NEED for one straight away be choosey, like you will for your next guy...

xxx

[lioness726]

Ah, thank you salmonhead_uk. I know what you mean. I first got that job while I was with my ex. I was there for almost a year and I went through my second break up with my ex, back in December while I was still there. I used to walk in and I was the girl with a bf. And suddenly (both times) I wasn't. It was a weird identity thing. I remembered sitting at my cubicle talking to him on the phone about evening plans or looking up recipes on the computer for dinner that night.

 

So this morning, for the first time in awhile, I woke up hurting over the break up. It was mostly due to the fact that he was in my dream. It was like he was my bf all over again. It was a really weird dream. Everything else in the dream was all nonsense but here I was running to him, he was holding me... Ugh, you know the drill.

 

It's weird because I haven't had dreams like that about him in awhile. I was doing well. I think it was loosing my job and thinking about him that did it. But at the same time I had been having these dreams for the past couple of days. I just haven't been waking up feeling sad and depressed because I was waking up and had so much to do. I have a lot to do today, but it's just loosing my job that makes it worse... Ok, I think that's why I'm feeling sad this morning.

 

Hopefully this camping trip will help me out a lot. There's 8 of us going and one of them had just been left by his LD gf. So one of my friends says it's a trip of growing and new beginnings for all of us.

 

One of the guys that's going, I think I have a crush on him. I'm not sure. I'm saying I'm not sure because he's completely different than my "type" and any other guy I've dated. But I think the thing that bothers me the most and makes me not want to like him is that he's short. Too short for my taste. My ex was probably the shortest I want to go and he used to say he was 5'10". But everyone around him knows he's not and he's probably 5'8"... or 5'9" at the extreme tallest. This guy is 5'7". And it's not just that. He's into cars which I love, but different kinds than I am. I don't know. I just better be careful and not hook up with him while I'm there because I know I can't date him seriously or for very long. I'm also not really that type of girl to just hook up with guys. Never have been. So when I do hook up, it usually (in the past) has turned into a relationship. Plus he's part of the group of friends I've been hanging out with and I don't want any weirdness or drama.

 

I guess once I start shopping today for my camping trip I won't be so depressed and missing my ex as much.

We'll see.