Need advice to help a very close friend

[chigal28]

For the past few months, I have been trying to give good, helpful advice to a very, very close friend of mine (we'll call her T) about a very tough situation she finds herself in. When I write what happened, please don't make any comments judging her....she feels horrible enough about what happened, and basically thinks she's the worst person in the universe, no matter how often I tell her she's not.

 

Please bear with me, if you could, while I try to explain the situation. I need other peoples' takes on this, and there are only so many of my other friends that I can tell this to--and the ones I have told are at a loss, as well.

 

T has been with her boyfriend (now fiance--let's call him C) for about five years. They got engaged last year, and we all thought this was the most wonderful thing in the world--she is such a sweet, thoughtful girl, and he is an extremely good-hearted, caring man. They have their ups and downs, like any couple, but they have been very good together.

 

They were together (meaning living in the same city) for about two years, then she was sent accross the country for her first military posting (she is active duty). They did long-distance for about three years, and I truly admired their fortitude. They would talk every day, and see each other once every few weeks, usually alternating pretty evenly between who would fly to see whom. He tried moving down there to be with her, but couldn't find a job in his field, so he moved back home. They still kept on.

 

Last year, T was deployed overseas to one of the war zones. She was there for a few months. While she was there, her fiance basically ripped into her for always putting the military first, saying he "couldn't handle things anymore," etc. etc. I don't know cause and effect, exactly, but while she was over there, she and another soldier got physically intimate (and this is where I ask you not to judge her).

 

It took her a few months after she came back, but ultimately, after much soul-searching, she decided to confess everything to her fiance. In the meantime, he had found a job where her next posting was set to be, so they are finally in the same place, together. But now they have this to deal with. They pushed the wedding date back, indefinitely as far as I know, and they both seem committed to working through this.

 

But they have no idea how. T is absolutely miserable, and she keeps asking me what I think they should do. I feel helpless and at a loss...I feel like my advice is trite, and all I want is to *really* help her.

 

Help!

 

I very much want to help them work through this, especially since I truly believe that they both understand how they contributed to this situation and seem committed to at least trying to get past this.

 

I've suggested couples counseling, and they've gone once. I say they need to find a good counselor, and KEEP GOING. I've told her if they are going to get through this, it will take time, and the dynamic of the relationship likely will always be at least somewhat different than it was before.

 

Does anyone have any advice, or any suggestions on books they could read, steps they could take, etc.?

 

Any advice would be very welcome. This is one of my very oldest, dearest friends, and I want to have *something* I can offer her when I talk to her next. Thank you all!!

[DN]

She needs to know why she cheated so she can explain it to him. That will help both of them understand what went wrong and how to fix it. It should also help both of them to be reassured that it won't happen again.

 

So - self analysis first - relationship analysis second.

[chigal28]

Thank you, DN. I do think she is still not entirely sure why it happened, so you're right, she needs to figure that out. She has assured him that it will never happen again, but to be honest, if I were in his shoes, I'd have trouble believing that right now, too.

 

I think they are both frustrated, and want some concrete steps they can take to try to work through this situation.

[DN]

He has a hard time believing it because he doesn't know why it happened and thereforeeee thinks it might happen again under similar circumstances. So she must be able to convince him that even if the circumstances happened again she would be able to resist temptation - so she has to know why she cheated.

[Beec]

I don't disagree with DN, she needs to figure herself out and try to explain that, but she also needs to figure him out and what his fears and issues are and have been.

 

If she was in a warzone, couldn't he have been trying to drive her away to save himself the worries that came from her being there.

 

How he feels is as important as how she feels, and then knowing both, you can try.

[Momene]

I think long distance always puts a strain on things and I could never do it long term. Unfortunately the military is one job where it is not family-friendly and it used to be a lot worse than it is now.

 

I don't judge her for what happened. She's not the first and won't be the last.