i think this is emotional abuse but don't know what to do

[nottoogreen]

Hi SaraRose,

 

Thank you for posting these ideas, which are very helpful.

 

mylifeisasoapoprea, suggest these ideas to her, and please read the threads from by previous post for more insight.

[mylifeisasoapoprea]

I have suggested ideas. It is true that a few more months won't hurt. it is probally better that she gets a chance to save money. She just now bought a car, so she has transportation now. It does hurt see her stuck with this controling father. Her father has raised up all those kids in fear. my gf is one of 7 kids. 2 girls 5 boys. Each kid was raised in fear. each kid was home schooled because of fear of the kids being corrupted. Even at a christian college they would be corrupted. Her dad wants to be able to control all of these kids lives!!! Ironically her dad works in a public school as a math teacher. The other sister believes that this is the way it is supposed to be. my gf is the one who doesn't think so and thats why she is untrusted by others in her family.

 

You can't raise a child in fear, if i marry this woman i don't want kids to be home schooled, sheltered or raised in fear. they deserve a chance at a life and to be able to form opinions of thier own and to have oppurtinuites such as friends and people skills which are needed.

 

They are strong christian people. Her dad points things in the bible to back up all his points. and one of which that children are to obey their parents. I am a christain too and i believe this as well however there are lines that can be crossed. It is also says in the bible for parents to love thier children and saying that you would be disowned for doing with something with our life is not love. Invoking fear into people is not love.

 

Her father believes that woman should basically stay at home and cook and clean. He feels that they should not have a voice in society. He doesn't want women voting. His wife doesn't vote and it is frowned upon at the thought of my gf wanting to vote. His wife i can kinda see where maybe she feels trapped. He probally uses fear to get what he wants. Yeah it does say in the bible that women are supposed to be submissive to their husbands. It does also say that husbands are to do the same toward their wives. He uses that to control his wife. it is obvious she feels that she is has to obey him.

 

My gf is blind because she was kept sheltered all her life by this controling man. She knows nothing else. She is afraid to go against what he says in fear that he will actually disown her.

 

Her dad did call me up the other night and talked to me. He said that if i had anything to do with her wanting to go back or wanting to help i am to never speak to her again. I didn't say anything to him because i didn't want to escalate things further, He also feels that he has to give permission for us to date. and he basically suggested that if i don't aggree with him that he will see to it that i never talk to my gf again. He is trying to control me know and our relationship. I plan to go visit her in a week. her dad wants to talk to me about dating her and stuff like that. I don't know what to do or say to him.

 

My gf is afraid to stand up for herself. my fear is that she will do this someday herself. she already shows signs of it. the circle has to stop now. She says that if she can't please him after a year she never will. Is that what she is always going to say? is this going to keep dragging on? am i wasting my time believing things that aren't true. what do i think of this.

[nottoogreen]

Hi mylifeisasoapoprea,

 

This is an excellent post demonstrating your understanding of the issues at hand.

 

There is nothing in the bible which says that women should be treated like that. He is not a Christian. He is just a religious lunatic abuser which no religion needs as he destroys all faith.

 

Him being a math teacher makes him trickier than manual labor for example. You will have your hands full with him.

 

Here is the good news: She has a car now and thus IMHO, the best strategy is to play along with him. Think about it, he has not "banned" you. Befriend him. Appear to be a "good" Christian and give him the feeling that he has "power".

 

Also see this: link removed Point 10 applies to you. It's an interesting site.

 

BTW, in ancient China the Eunuchs had all the power, the emperors just had all the fun. So be smart, son.

[mylifeisasoapoprea]

Just because he is a religious lunatic doesn't mean that he isn't christian. He still believes in Christ and thats what counts.

 

Her dad is obviously insecure here. I found out that no one in their family says "I love you" except the mom to her kids. It was never really said. It is clear that he is trying to control my gf because he is scared. He sees that she is grown up now, but doesn't want to let go for some reason.

 

I feel that he needs reassurance that my gf will love him no matter what. What do you guys think? She is afraid to say that she loves him and i don't know why.

 

Just because it is assumed that there is love. the words still mean and they will always remind of us love. We are only human after all and sometimes we forget what we have and get so into ourselves. Words can be a simple reminder of these things.

 

Do you think this would help the relationship between her and her father?

[nottoogreen]

I am agnostic so I better stay away from religious debates. You may well know more than me.

 

What you say makes sense! You are developing a lot of wisdom.

 

Control freaks are very insecure. If she (and you) give him confidence in his control, he likely will relax. Note that all takes time and do not let setbacks bring you down.

 

Kids love their parents, it's natural and very important. However that also causes kids of abusive/over-controlling parents to hurt a lot.

 

He needs lots of assurances. He expects his kids to love him but respect is most important to him. I will look at you with "eagles eyes" to find any disrespect!

 

He will match some points here and you will understand him more: link removed. Also point her to this article. But be sure he won't see it. He'd be mad.

 

You are doing really well, I am proud of you!

[lilac_indi]

i agree with nottoogreen...just let him think that he has more control. he will back off eventually and hey things could be worse - at least you can still see your gf right?

 

just be patient. talk to your gf about her relationship with her dad..get her to understand that that is what he is looking for - love even if he does show it in a negative way.

 

get her to be able to build on that with her dad. show her a lot of support. good luck and keep us posted. tell your gf that you know someone else who is in the same boat as her but you dont have to mention this site - let her know she is not alone in this.

[mylifeisasoapoprea]

here's my question.... if you cave into what an emotional abuser wants, if you give him what he desires, you let him have control. How does that help the situation?

 

Its only going to get worse. This man will never be satisfied. my gf wants to study foreign language and maybe sometime be a teacher of it. Her father tonight said that she can't because she would teach a man and that is wrong. He said that she is to take home ec. classes and maybe nursing classes, because that is what she needs. He told her that no husband will want her to work. that her husband will want her to stay home. he also says it goes against God, beacuse she would be teaching a man if she chooses to teach. he believes it is wrong. the passage talks about issues in the church, it doesn't say anything about society.

 

I don't demand that of my gf. If she wants a life let her have one. a person has the right to live out dreams. what happens after kids grow up. the woman has nothing. no will to live all she has is her horrible controling husband. That is the life that her mom lives right now. after all her kids grow up what is she going to have? what is she going to do?

 

A woman working gives the oppurtunity leave the house, meet people and give her a chance at a life and have a purpose and keep her sanity.

 

how her mom puts up with this i will never know. THe only reason i think is fear. the fear that she is doing something wrong if she goes against her husband in anything.

 

I told my gf that (we do plan to get married in a few years), i don't expect her to stay at home. I expect her to be happy and DO WHAT SHE DESIRES. sometimes it may take a while with kids but after a few years they will be in school, she needs to do something to keep her busy.

her mom was able to homeschool. my gf and i talked about kids and after awhile of debate she did see that maybe homeschooling is not a good idea for kids.

 

Kids should not be raised in fear. the should be raised to have dreams and live out their goals and not be afraid. all fear does is crush dreams and that is what this man envokes on people. sad huh?

 

Yes this man is a religious lunatic. he uses God to control. its sad that people do this.

[nottoogreen]

Her mom can put up with it as she is educated/contend with it. She does not question, she loves him, she's OK. If you look at lilac_indi's threads, lilac_indi's mom is actually more vocal than lilac_indi's dad, but he still holds all strings - lilac_indi: culture if you like

 

Giving abusers control is a bad thing but as there is no physical abuse, it is the lesser evil.

 

thereforeee, I suggest you cooperate with him in order to not cut you off. You need time! You have to work on her self esteem and your relationship with her as she may well have to leave unless both of you want to live a 19th century style life according to his rules.

 

You are becoming a stronger person for sure!

[mylifeisasoapoprea]

i don't know if calling emotional abuse a lesser evil is a good way to word it or not.

 

abuse is abuse...no mater if it is emotional, mental, physical or what...

 

It is still abuse.

 

Emotional abuse still causes psychological harm just as much as physical. However because there is no physical harm taking place emotional abuse tends to be looked over. People who generally are abused in this fashon are blinded, because their parent, spouse or signaficant other has not laid a hand on them.

 

Emotional abuse is still abuse because it is a delibrate action that lowers ones self esteem and does cause psychological harm.

 

Its sad to see this happen. My aunt raised her kids to see that they have dreams, enocouraged them to do things they enjoy and to fullfill goals. This man that i am dealing with crushes dreams and goals. He has entrapped all the women in his life to think that their only purpose is to cook, clean and make babies. Whats the point of living life to the fullest if that is what you have to look foreward to.

 

Any dream that my gf had this man has attempted to crush and will continue to do so as long as she stays with him.

 

Emotional abuse damages people, it is demoarlizing and gives a person a lack of purpose in life. It creates fear. brings on false guilt.

My gf gets emotional over the tiniest thing. She always feels guilty all the time. She is afraid to do what she wants in life in fear of loosing her family. She feels that she would be the one causing. In reality, it is her dad's choice to do so...not hers like she thinks. If he chooses to do that then he is not a very good father. Disowning a child for a choice of a better eduacation. trying to control her education.

 

My gf will never be happy in life if this man continues this. He continues to inflict harm on her whether he relizes it or not and that is wrong of him to do so.

 

My gf does see that she made a mistake in staying a year, after he said that she can't take foreign language. she will never please the man.

 

She is in denial that her own father is wrong. she sees it but she has a hard time admitting it. it is tough when someone you love and supposed to trust, does this. its horrible of him.

 

She did email one of the teachers at this private school explaining the situatiion. the guy was once a pastor and i am praying that he will help guide her. its what she needs.

[nottoogreen]

Thank you for now lecturing me on abuse for trying to find a workable solution.

 

We know what's wrong but have to put up with him for now.

 

Getting a pastor involved may help her. Is he more open though?

[mylifeisasoapoprea]

what do you mean is he more open?

[nottoogreen]

what do you mean is he more open?

Is he (the pastor) more like you or more like him?

[mylifeisasoapoprea]

i dont' know....she did get to talk to others about it as well. sounds like they don't know what do really. sounds like one possibility it that she and her father would sit down and talk to a pastor together. however there is a possibility of her dad leaving the church.

 

 

it is a sticky situation because children should obey their parents however there are lines being crossed here. who knows what they think.

[nottoogreen]

Well if her dad left the church, I am not surprised as he obviously setup his own.

 

I have not change my mind about that you are her best guide and might cooperate with dad as much as possible until she gets out of there.

 

Cooperation makes sense. The more I read eNotAlone, the more sense it makes. Life offers few black and white quick-fixes.

 

Minors should obey their parents. And that as long as their physical and mental health is not at stake.

 

Should adults obey their parents? It depends.

[mylifeisasoapoprea]

she is not a minor anymore

[nottoogreen]

You lock yourself down now. If you want her, you have to work on a practical solution leading to success.

[mylifeisasoapoprea]

what do you mean by lock myself down now?

 

i have been working on solution to get her to success. however its hard to cut on ones own. between living somewhere and college. money will be tough. i'm not too sure what to do about myself after next year when i move out of dorms. I have to find a place to live and i don't know how to do that. my gf needs the same thing, she wants to move up north and be near me and get away from her controling parents and get a life up here. the out of state situation makes it tough, i'm still a resident of kentucky in wisconsin and plan to try to live here. its going to be tough

[nottoogreen]

Locking down? You do not seem to compromise with her dad.

 

Let me explain this to you. I talk here with lot's of young posters which got controlling or neurotic parents, whether is is like your gf's dad, like lilic_indy's parents, an abusive alcoholic parent or a parent with a long history of abuse by a partner.

 

Being practical and rational, I find it more effective to "teach" posters to "manage" those parents and survive instead of being "double neurotic" kids of a neurotic parent.

 

Thus we do have 43 posts in this thread.

 

You want her, you have to balance, focus on the result. Her dad does not matter in the positive, but he is very relevant in her life.

 

I wish you find a path to be together.

[candy604]

she is getting abused by her father and i bet her mother has no control in the family. Does she want a life of cooking and cleaning? sounds like her dad is living in the old age. She needs to move out and decide for herself , i don't understand why her dad wouldn't want her to get an education? is he afraid of losing his daughter? that's so sad though. try the hotline! they have professional people to help you out.

[mylifeisasoapoprea]

Sorry that i haven't replied in awhile...i was down visting my gf.

 

her dad sat down talked to me told me that if i don't agree with him that i have to cut off the relationship.

 

my gf was angry that he had to say that. the only thing i can do is let him think i agree, when i really do not. she needs to be able to earn money to get out and in that time she needs to work things out and for that it will require counceling.

 

hopefully her dad won't refuse the councel.

 

my gf also bought a car from him but did not get the title in her name, he keeps threatening to take it away if she doesn't do what he wants all the time.

 

the whole time i was down there he kept ripping weight jabs at his wife and my gf and they are not over weight. they both look really good.

he also used the phrase to my gf "when i decide what you are going to do with your life"

 

LIKE IT IS HIS DECISION TO MAKE!!!

 

the nerve of him. she needs to get away from this lunatic

 

i don't know what to do, because i don't agree with him and i think he is wacked in the head

[nottoogreen]

Sorry that i haven't replied in awhile...i was down visting my gf.

No problem. Glad you could see her.

her dad sat down talked to me told me that if i don't agree with him that i have to cut off the relationship.

That's him. Dealing with the guy is a mayor personal growth opportunity.

my gf was angry that he had to say that. the only thing i can do is let him think i agree, when i really do not.

Right, play being his puppet, and play it well.

she needs to be able to earn money to get out and in that time she needs to work things out and for that it will require counceling.

First important is a job for her.

hopefully her dad won't refuse the councel.

Please don't expect that he won't refuse.

my gf also bought a car from him but did not get the title in her name, he keeps threatening to take it away if she doesn't do what he wants all the time.

She has to play it cool with him, do her job, keep the money in her bank.

the whole time i was down there he kept ripping weight jabs at his wife and my gf and they are not over weight. they both look really good.

There are cases where guys like him marry their daughter.

he also used the phrase to my gf "when i decide what you are going to do with your life"

 

LIKE IT IS HIS DECISION TO MAKE!!!

It isn't, but make sure his attitude is not questioned.

the nerve of him. she needs to get away from this lunatic

Easier said than done.

i don't know what to do, because i don't agree with him and i think he is wacked in the head

He is about what I imagined him to be at the beginning of this thread.

 

Al you can do is handle him well and encourage to grow and stabilize but avoid to put pressure on her. It has to go at her pace.

[nottoogreen]

When you meet her, you could also ask her if her dad ever touched her or sisters. Also see: link removed

[mylifeisasoapoprea]

I dont think that he has touched anyone. I don't believe that he has it in him. It is clear that he just uses emotions and holds things over heads to get what he wants. My gf is the only one her family that has different veiws than the rest of the family. the rest of the family remember was kept pretty well sheltered and its all they know. i think my gf is treated the way sshe is mainly because she has different view regarding the role of women. Her dad told me that they do have problems to be worked out but he is controlling her and entrapping her thinking thats the solution to the problem. My gf has been kept from having friends outside the home. Her brother has friends outside the home but for some reason her dad doesn't want her to have friends. I don't know why. Its horrible. She would never do anything illegal or slip spirtually. I can't figure out why this is happening to her. Her sister goes along with everything so there are no problems with tension. My gf is the one that has all the problems. this needs to end and what can she do to end thsi cycle

[lilac_indi]

i know how your gf feels

 

my mum has threatened to cut my internet off. the only way i can stay in touch with my friends is through msn cause i am not allowed to see them.

 

just tell your gf to hang in there.

[nottoogreen]

I know, it's boring, be patient and persist.

 

When you see her again?