conflicting feelings

[monkey1]

i'll try and explain this the easiest way possible ...

 

i've been feeling so emotionally crazy the last few days. it seems like i've been more and more frustrated and annoyed at things. first i don't have a job, i've been looking but yet have received a job offer. my unemployment is on hold because of some issuese which is frustrating me financially. i'm very broke, though my folks are doing their best to help me out, not to mention my sister and my aunt. also there my close college roommate is getting married in 2 weeks so every weekend i'm doing something which involve spending money.

 

my relationship feels stuck. i love my boyfriend so much it hurts at times, we're LD and we haven't seen each other in 2 years mainly because we've both been having issues financially, mainly being broke and haven't been able to afford to see each other. i would like him to do more nice things for me, like send me more cards, or even flowers or just anything, even an ecard to make me feel better. i did get a card the other week, but that was after i had told him several weeks before about how i wish he woudl do more thoughtful things. i'm also sexually frustrated and we haven't had any "naughty" chats in months. i stopped trying to initiated or send naughty pics because i got tired of nothing happening.

 

this last week, i got pep talks from some of my family about finding a job, even a card from my aunt along with my rent money. my boyfriend also gave me a pep talk and i just can't take any more "you'll find something soon, don't worry, i know you can do it" talks. i can't take anymore talks about how thigns will get better.

 

i feel so stuck and so frustrated. i'm tried of giving. i feel like i keep getting rejected. i don't know when i'm going to get a job, i don't know when i'll see my boyfriend ... i feel like i have nothing to look forward to. like there's no hope. i'm trying to keep motivated and positive, but it's SO hard right now. i feel like breaking down all the time. i'm so unhappy and i don't know what to do. i want something to happen that will give me a bit more motivation or at least make me feel better even if it's for 2 seconds and NOT a pep talk again.

 

it's like i don't want affection or people to tell me things will improve, but at the same time i want affeciton. i can't even go out and buy myself flowers to make me feel better because i can't afford it. i bought myself flowers a few weeks back to make me feel better and it did, but i can't now.

 

i'm just so confused an conflicted about things. i don't want to talk to anyone i know about it because i don't want to hear the usual things.

 

i don't know what to do other than suck it up and try to keep myself together ... it's so hard though not to let little things get to me ...

 

what would you do?

[renaissancewoman101]

Have you thought about doing some things other than concentrating on your worries and your lack of employment, like doing some volunteer work. Sometimes when we are down on ourselves, volunteering a homeless shelter or volunteering at a pet shelter can make us get a better perspective on life than just focusing on how bad our life seems to be. Remember, there is always someone else whose life is worse off than us.

 

As for finding employment, have you thought about finding part-time employment?? That might help get you out of the funk you are in. It will also help you to feel less helpless and more in control of your life.

 

I know I am giving you all this advice and I am kind of in the same boat as you. I am unemployed right now, my money situation is ok but precarious, but I am feeling down on myself about a lot of things. Sometimes, we just have to pick ourselves up and try other things, things that may be out of the box, just so we are not stuck in the rut that we are in right now and where it seems that there is no hope.

 

Life is never hopeless. There is always hope.

 

As for your bf, does he understand the rut you are stuck in right now? Maybe you should just contact him just for some TLC from him. That always helps.

[nottoogreen]

Hi monkey1,

 

About the job, read/post in Career/Money.

 

I am aware that you are in an age gap LDR. Either age gap or LDR is complex but the combination is very difficult.

 

There seems to be no progress in the relationship. Please consider the prospects in 1,5,10,20 years. You have gained some experience and him being first is a special memory to retain but as RW says: Life goes on!

[AntiLove_SuperStar]

It struck me hard that you havn't seen him physically for 2 years.

 

How the heck can you manage that, to survive that emotionally? It's my personal opinion that if you two really love each other, two years is far too long to make no physical, real, concrete progress.

[RayKay]

Hey monkey,

 

It sounds to me like perhaps you are starting to get a bit depressed, at least acutely. Financial strain, and emotional stress tend to do that over the long term, and I think right now the important thing is to not let this get you further down into a cycle, and to feel as if you have control over your own life again.

 

First off, can you not at least find something part time? It does not have to be a "career" job, but feeling as if you are helping YOURSELF again financially and getting out there at least can do loads for your self esteem. And it's easier to find another job when you have one. Also, get into volunteering/community service, social clubs, activity groups. It will help your confidence, friendships and you never know whom can connect you to a job.

 

Second, you also cannot rely on your boyfriend to do what you so much "want him to do" if it is not his nature. I think on this front, two years of not seeing each other is taking it's toll. Keeping an LDR indefinitely is well, very, very exhausting and it tends to be a lot of effort for little payback when you don't get to see each other, and are perhaps growing apart more than together. I think it is very important you do have a plan for being together both periodically AND permanently, if that is what you really want. Otherwise, you have to determine if this relationship is one that has maybe run it's course, and you are staying out of familiarity and comfort, more so than because this relationship is filling your needs, desires, wants and compatibilities.