On/off/on?

[joanony]

I'm not sure if this is in the right topic but here goes:

 

I met my bf whilst working overseas (Canada) and he is UK and I am Australian. Went out for about 4 months then he went home and I went travelling and met him in the UK for 10 days and it got really emotional and eventually he ended up coming to Australia. We have been 'together' for 14 months now.

 

I say 'together' becase in May everything went pear-shaped (he arrived in February). He was unhappy bcos he didn't have many friends (just his 2 housemates) and he didn't think we were communicating like a couple 'should be' after a year together so he wanted a week 'break' after which he broke up with me but we still remained 'friends'. 3 days later I had my bday lunch with a big bunch of my friends which he attended then left when I went to have tea with some other ppl. He then calls and says lunch was weird and he wants to talk so I meet up with him for a few hours and he tells me he thinks he may have made the wrong decision. Then I have the drinks part of my bday celebrations and he stays for a while then goes off to meet some mutual friends (from Canada who recently came back to oz) and I meet up with them after a bit with all my crew.

When I get there, he is incredibly drunk (I am a little tipsy myself) and he keeps talking to this girl all night and ignoring me. I go home to sleep at my friends place and meet up with him for lunch the next day to talk things thru and the week after he says he wants to give it another go and i said "are you sure" and he said yes so we did. a week later he broke it off again and i also find out that he and that girl ended up going back to his place and short of actually having sex (only because he passed out from being so drunk) they did pretty much everything else (ie they were naked in his bed hours before i went to see him).

 

so this time i think "right, it's def over this time" so i apply for a masters course interstate which was all a bit hectic as it was mid-year intake and i had 9 days to make an application + portfolio which should normally be a 3 week process. when i tell him this he gets really depressed and tells me he 'misses me' and 'what if' he moved interstate and we could start afresh. but i couldn't deal with it because i wanted to focus on my application.

 

after submission, i spent the whole w/e with him and the next two weeks waiting for the interview and acceptance to go thru, we have a really good relationship just hanging out and being comfortable with each other like we always wanted as a couple but without 'officially' having discussed what was going on as everything was up in the air re: my moving away.

then i got accepted 5 days before the course started and had to fly down days later. so i've been here for a week now and lots of intense emails and phone calls later, he's def decided he's going to come down and we'll make a proper go of things and get a room in a sharehouse together which will be in 3 weeks time and i'm really excited about it.

 

but i've had a lot of time alone to think this week (as i don't really know anyone here yet) and i don't know if i'm doing the right thing. i just want to be with him all the time but i never thought i would give anyone a second let alone a third chance esp. when they've hurt me so much.

also, tonight i'm sitting at home alone while i know he's having a party at his house and i just keep thinking back to that girl and it makes me sick to think that something like that might happen tonight even though he's booked his flight and given notice about his job/house etc.

 

so i don't know, i guess i'm just looking for advice on how to trust him again or if i should be doing any of this at all. help!!!

[DN]

If he has booked the flight and given notice at his job and home it seems he really wants to make this work. It's your decision of course and it would take some time to trust him but it seems a shame for him to give everything up only for you to change your mind.

[counselorcas]

I totally related to you as you wrote about how you know he's having a party at that very moment, and all you can think about are the "what ifs." That's the story of my life. It seems like the two of you have had your ups and downs...and I can see how you may feel hesitant and unsure about your next step in this relationship.....Unfortunately, no one ever knows for sure what's going to happen and nothing is a for sure thing. Relationships are about taking risks right? So follow your heart...if you know you're doing that.....then you are doing the right thing... See how this goes. He seems pretty serious about you if he's following you to school. Make sure you have your own life there though...Don't be dependent on him. Make your own friends....go out for drinks without him. Men love woman who don't have to rely on them. Give him a little run for his money... he definitely did that to you. People say don't play games....I feel like little innocent ones are important to keep the relationship alive. Over these next couple weeks....don't ALWAYS answer his calls....Tell him what an amazing time you are having.... and just be a fun girl that he can't wait to be around. And if you love him....you're going to have to dig deep to find trust in him again...it's got to come from you. Good luck, it sounds exciting!