I was right to break up but I feel we should work it out and get back together

[Sinead]

](*,) Wishing for a reconciliation

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I initially put this this problem of mine on the "Relationship" thread by mistake but once I learned there was a "Getting Back Together" thread I copied it over here because I think it belongs here more than in the former thread.

 

I was in a very long-term serious relationship with my now ex-bf for 3 years and 8 months. I am 29 and he is 23. I know he's quite younger but he was still able to manage a nearly 4 yr relationship.

 

Everything was fine up to the start of about 6 months ago. We did all the normal happy couply thingys that happy couples do. We were totally in love - He said it to me, I said it to him. Every time we were on the phone at the end of the call we would declare our love for each other. Really sweet.

 

My ex though has never been the overly excitable type. We met on an online facility in the same university we were studying in. The chasing he did was literally find out what PC I was sitting at in a lab in the college and he sat next to me and we got speaking. He has always been very shy and always the type where you have to sometimes draw blood out of a stone.

 

Anyway a bit over 6 months ago, things started going wrong big time. I noticed a change in his behaviour towards me: i felt I was giving him all the love and kindness and he was giving nothin in return.I was loving him more basically yet the whole WORDS of him saying 'i love you' and 'im in love with you' was still coming out of his mouth. We spoke about building up some money in the future so we could have a nice house etc.You know future things.

 

I have always been a needy type person but i have never been obsessively clingy. I just guess im not as tough as the average woman. Im bit more of an insecure person than most ppl. Childhood to blame for that. But my ex understood all that and he still stuck by me even though he had more of a life than me mostly.

 

Sorry about the digressing but its kind of important. I broke off with my ex about 6-8 months ago.At the time he was studying for a Master in finance in university. It was impossible to do. He was studying up to 10 hours 5 or 6 days a week. I only saw him twice a week, and when he had exams, once a week. I didnt mind that. I understood and I gave him all the space, I wanted him to do well and im sure he knows that. But i was giving him too much love, complimenting him to the ground, did flipping everything for him and he started acting proud arrogant and treating me like a little puppy. We had a huge row and I broke off with him for only 8 days. On the 8th day I called him back admitting I made a mistake. And boy did he make me beg! I couldnt believe it. I begged for him and we got back and everything was by his book then. He said he knew I was gonna call him back and that he would not have called me if i hadnt called him. A few weeks after that incident I asked him again would he really have called me if i hadnt called him and he said he probably would have a few days later. I asked him why he said on the phone that he wouldnt have called me and he said cos he was hurt.

 

So anyways we got back. Things didnt get better. They just went back to the new masters/thesis head who got self-observed with himself and turned into a proud little p****, When we had a row one time I pretended to walk off and he would literally let me, didnt care, not a damn at all.

 

So finally his masters finished but then he had his thesis to worry about. He got two extensions for his thesis. I broke off with him over 2 weeks ago. This is what happened:

 

He came up on Saturday night, stayed over, we had a nice night in. No rows, we watch a movie, snuggled into each other, and he was all over me. He just wanted to hold me so much, even when I got up to do something he would put on a sad face for attention. Later that night he said he had to get up early the next day to finish off his thesis as the college closed early on a Sunday. I said no problem.

 

The next day he woke up at ten, it was supposed to be 8 but anyhow. I called him later that day at about 2pm, he said he was playing golf! (by the way he is obsessed with golf and it doesnt help that his mum is always harping on that golf is very important to him at his age - cow). I got so angry and asked why he decided to go to play golf when he had his "important" thesis to finish off. He thought thesis was important than spending more time with me but yet his golf was more important than his thesis! According to what he said he told me he was having breakfast at home and his friend from golf club rang and asked him to play some golf and he accepted. He is entitled to change his mind but question is: Where do i come on the list? 3! exactly! or maybe even 4.you never know. And he acted like he didnt care .

 

So I took a deep breath said. "(his name), it's over. But i'll always love you".

 

I have not heard anything from him for over 2 weeks. And i want him back so much, cos im so in love with him. I just want him to want me back, and change back to the old boyfriend I had.

 

I want him back. Im defo not calling him cos I know he thinks I will. He knows i want him more than he probably does. But he must be thinking at this stage that its a lot longer than 8 days now. I know i should "move on" with my life but I just feel i cant give up on him. I know we are meant for each other. Everything went wrong when he started his masters. Now he's acting like he doesnt care yet the last time we were together he wanted me so bad.

 

I love him so much. Do you think there is any hope for a reconciliation? how long should I wait for him to call until I move on? Do you think its him that should do the calling?

[Bounder]

Hmmm,

 

Well as someone who did most of his masters in the middle of a long term relationship with someone who lived 2 hours away and saw only on weekends, i an empathize with the challenges such a situations puts on a couples time for each other. It sounds like you were supportive to him, but he also needs to have other avenues to let his stress out, or be away from his thesis, such as golf. The way he made it seem like you were number 3 was callous, though I am not sure he meant it that way. My ex often felt like she was low on the list, when in reality i needed many things in my life in balance...if i was missing one the other suffered.

 

her and i had problems, some relating to career ambitions and wondering if one would sacrifice for the other, do you think that may have been a problem in your relationship too?

 

In any case, just take it a day a time...if you need to rant, pm me, i too am fighting the urge to get back together with my ex until i have dealt with what i need to deal with....

[Sinead]

Hi Bounder

 

So what is the story with your ex? I might be able to shed some female advice if I can.

 

Its a tough period. Only about 3 people (including yourself) so far has told me that he was stressed and that maybe he didnt realise what he was doing. The majority however have told me that he wasnt good to me and I should forget about him. Im so lucky i am getting advice from all angles. Obviously i feel bad when i get the negative advice but if the majority are saying it then more than likely it could be true and I dont want that.

 

I had a 10 month rels with a guy when i was about 20/21. Now he was absolutely AWFUL. I mean you wouldnt treat a rat the way he treated me. He was vile. But i was absolutely mentle about him. It took me exactly 9 months to get over him. Now i look back at that and I dont know him.

 

But with my most recent, even though he's been callous and lazy with the whole rels he was so different from the former guy. He did have a lot more respect for me, but i just dont know what happened. I think even though he was committed enough to have a really long term rels with me like he did, i think he wasnt THAT committed if I was very low down on his list. I mean family are number one thats totally understandable but I really feel that your lover should most certainly be second after the family. Its only fair.

 

In fact he was number one WITH my family.

 

The whole NC thing is supposed to be for if you were dumped but what about someone who broke off with someone with good reason - yet still wants them back. God im wrecking my own head here!!

 

Anyway tell me your story - if you want.

[Sinead]

Sorry bounder i couldnt get your message there cos im in work and the pop up message box came up and it wouldnt open - i think its stupid firewall stuff.

 

My email is (and i know everyone is gonna see this too but i dont mind - send me an email all you want) :

 

email removed

[Bounder]

Your right about priorities, but there are periods in a persons life where those shift for a while. A thesis is one of them. For people who want to make a career out of higher education, a thesis is a big sacrifice, not to the point of neglecting loved ones, but one that requires shuffling time and energy away a bit more than one would like sometimes. its not pleasant for the thesis writer either, trust me. its a bit of a purgatory, and few emerge completely unscathed. he may be using it as an excuse though, so be careful.

[Bounder]

Oh, well, i just said if you want to read my story, go check out my threads, it gives a good summary there

[Sinead]

Yeah I think he was using his thesis as an excuse. I mean leaving me early to work on his thesis and then ending up in his golf club that day instead. Yep it was defo an excuse to not stay long with me.Its weird cos the night before we got on so well. He was really affectionate (well that was one of the things i loved about him - he was the affectionate type) and he didnt want to let go of me. Even if I got up to clean up the kitchen he looked at me and put on a sad face and told me to leave it alone and snuggle into him.

 

You see thats why i feel there could be hope.

 

So where is your other thread about your story wit your ex. Wanna have a look at it before im hunted out of work in less than half an hour.

[rnorth]

Sinead,

 

I believe that your sensitivity towards his schedule and his choices reflect issues that you need to work on for yourself. He had every right to use his time to play golf and it doesn't necessarily demonstrate a lack of interest in you on his part. Rather, it was probably a way to blow off steam from his thesis prep and yes, from his encounter with you.

 

Everyone needs space and that's what he was doing for himself. If you want to get back together with him, take a long look at yourself and how you handle these situations; start working on that lack of balance in your life; find a way to free yourself from this co-dependence and then call him and apologize. Admit that you are going through something that you need to figure out for yourself and you are working on it. No more or no less.

 

When his schedule is so demanding, don't add pressure to his life but adding yet more demands. And the golf habit is much healthier than other possible alternatives. His life can't only be about his thesis and you.

 

Take care of yourself and when you are ready, if you want a chance to get back together, you need to call him.

[Bounder]

Ones called dumpers remorse, the other one is how to move on if you're the one who ended it? one is in the breaking up section, the other one in the healing section....

[Bounder]

 

 

[Sinead]

I just read your situation there Bounder. The good thing there is at least I get a feeling of chemistry between the two of you which is always a hopeful future thing but i dont like the fact where she was seeing someone. That defo put a dark cloud over the rels.

 

When you really love someone it is the worst thing to find out that they go behind your back like that hence trust issues. And trust is a priority in a rels. I told my ex before i broke off with him on phone nearly 3 wks ago that he was a really bad liar and that i honestly didnt trust him and i didnt. If there is only a lil bit of trust then whoever caused it needs to earn it again.

 

It was obviously her who caused the cloud though it does sound that she knows she made a big mistake. I know its hard for you to get your faith back again in the rels but maybe you should just have some limited contact with her for a few weeks just so the TWO of you can sort your heads and hearts out alone. I know you had a 2 hour talk. You've had the talk. That's great. But now its time for ye to go into your shells for a while and just sort this all out in your own heads without contacting each other. Just for a few weeks thats all.

 

Then when you come out of the thinking cap, you will be able to see more clearly the situation, have some sort of solution and maybe give it one last shot........

[Bounder]

Well, she actually slept arond a bit and told me once she came back, and i never really had time to deal with that on my own. A lot of things she did while she was away have changed my view of her and i need to figure that out. But this thread is about you, feel free to write on mine, but talk to us about whats going on in your head

[Sinead]

I dont understand. Why would he want to blow off steam from his encounter with me? what encounter? I have been terrific to him. I dont feel i need to reflect on myself as I have done everything for him. I think he needs to reflect on his selfish behaviour and lying to me about him doing his thesis when he KNEW he wasnt is not on. He would have been more of a man if he had said "Sinead listen im up early tomorrow cos i wanna go play some golf". I would have told him its grand. fine.

 

I will call him however in about a month if he doesnt call me but i think he should appreciate me a lot more. I have made some mistakes with him but he has made a hell of a lot more. And by right he should be calling me cos i have been the begger in most of the relationship.

 

Thanks again tho. I do appreciate your advice.

[Sinead]

oh well going home now and spending probably all friday to all sunday without eNotAlone....

[rnorth]

Sinead,

 

One can need to vent after a positive emotional experience as well. Positive emotions, if intense can be just as exhausting as negative emotions.

 

You know he cares, but if you keep pushing him, he will pull away forever. My suggestion is to examine your own reactions because they are what you have control over, as opposed to continuously mulling over how you feel he should have acted or reacted.....

 

Good luck, my dear. I truly hope it works out for you.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Sinead, aside from the issues your boyfriend has, I agree with rnorth, you need to think about your own actions as well. Case in point, how incredibly defensive you got in response to rnorth's post. You insisted that there is nothing about yourself to think about. Your actions are very hasty...hence continually breaking up in anger and then wanting to get back together. That is enough to drive someone away. Just because he chose to play golf, doesn't mean he doesn't care about you. I myself have a PhD and know just how difficult, time-consuming and stressful taking courses and writing a thesis is. If you find you are giving too much and he is too pre-occupied with other things, back off but don't break up. Just do your own thing and have your own life and interests as well. That may alleviate the resentment which then builds to hostility and the repeated breakups and then remorse.

[Bethany]

I was right to break up but I feel we should work it out and get back together

 

Actually I think you were wrong to break up so I'm with Crazyaboutdogs.

HE wasn't choosing golf over you, he was relaxing and enjoying some free time to himself. Imagine getting dumped for playing a game of golf.

I think you'll be very lucky if he even wants to work things out with you after that let alone get back together.

 

Get yourself a copy of Mars/Venus and read up on "giving less to receive more" and discover what you have done wrong. But I'm not sure you can put this one right, sorry.Not until you change your attitude anyway. But good luck anyway.

[lady00]

I think you may have overreacted. I say this not as judgement but because I see a lot of myself in you. Whenever a situation like this arose with someone I was dating I would immediately take it personally, get angry and yell at them. But I'm realizing more and more that that's not the way to deal with situations like that. Instead, I would not talk to the person when I'm really angry at them but try to think it through and see their side of things. Was he really thinking "gee...I'd much rather play golf than hang out with my girlfriend" or was he possibly thinking "okay, I've got to go work on my thesis but now my friend's calling me to play golf and I love golf so maybe I'll just go shoot a few rounds before starting work." It could have been the latter. It may have had nothing to do with you and that's something to consider.

 

I think if you want a chance with the guy, you need to call. You're the one who did the dumping and if you want to rekindle things, then you should step up and call the guy. You also should seriously consider apologizing to him for getting upset over the golf thing and figure out if there is something underlying in the relationship that had been upsetting you for a while, and find out his side of things. If it's going to work, you'll both have to figure out what each other wants and compromise. That is, if he's willing to give it another shot.

[annie24]

I agree. I'm in a PhD program, and also often do things some people might consider "frivolous" but they are just things I need to do to blow off steam between studying and difficult situations.

 

Do you think you could have been more understanding towards his studies/hobbies?

[sb_]

Sinead, I recommend you to read "Make up, don't break up" by Dr Bonnie Eaker. The book addresses exactly the problem between the two of you.

You can take this breakup as an opportunity to strengthen your relationship if you know how to do the right thing. I think you are a bit controlling, and as the result, you push your bf away. So take this time to work on yourself so that you can be more emotional independent. If you don't change yourself, even if you too are back together, the problem will still be the same, or even worse and you two will end up breakup again.

[Sinead]

Thank you all so much for your advice. I do agree with ye. I feel i had been quite controlling definitely not very though because I did do everything according to what he wanted most of the time. If he asked me to jump I would basically be like "how high?" The major problem is I wasnt happy because I didnt feel he was ever really excited about me like he had been with his old female friend avy.He was always excited to see her but with me i just felt he was just with me because he could have her you know? its complicated. My friends kept telling me to break off with my ex. Every single one of my friends kept saying he was beneath me, too young for me, too immature to return my love, that I was basically an idiot for dating a guy who I gave loads of space to throughout the whole year and expected to "wait" till he was ready to give me his time. The situation with me doing everything for him wasnt bothering me that much but my friends were making me feel like i was a puppy to him - even my mother did. Everyone was telling me and I didnt know who I was anymore so I went with the majority and listened to my friends because they know my heart well. Anyone because I did break off with him I sent him a text of peace last night:

 

The update with my ex was I felt I got sort of an inspiration from God and I texted him just last night just to make peace with him and said:

 

"Im texting to make peace with you.Thanks for the times we had.God has inspired me to text you.Thank you for your friendship througout. I hope you find God like I have because I will never be alone but I wish you the best. Sinead."

 

He texted me this morning and said:

"Thank you for your text last night. I hope the best for you too."

 

I said nothing more to him then. That was our closure. I still want him back though even though I will move on. I would like to call him some day but he would just make me beg him i feel, I cant let that happen again cos I have begged for him, for over a year.

[Sinead]

I texted one of my more objective friends earlier on. She knows my ex as long as I do, and she doesnt resent him as much as my other friends. But when i told her about my update she just texted me there and told me that it looks like he is still waiting for me to make the first move, he is taking me at my word that it's over. Then she asked me was it really what I wanted and said he wasnt going to change his ways. That really upsets me because I'll never be with him so.

 

I think he needs someone more like his mother - hard, cold and insensitive. That wont be me.

[Sinead]

Sorry in relation to my first reply today, down line 4 where it says "...i just felt he was just with me because he could have her you know? .." that should be "because he could not have her..."