In love with a married man - what a cliche!! but I am hurting so much..

[cb_cb]

You've heard it all before..younger woman (me) falls for older married man by about 18yrs (MM) at work. He was my boss's boss..extremely handsome, articulate, smart, and married with two beautiful kids. I probably fell in love with him the very first time I met him. And I knew, from the way he looked at me, he felt the same attraction.

 

I never thought I could ever cheat on my then boyfriend now husband. It's not something I seek to do. I am a good person. I don't like talking bad about anyone, I am good to my family, my friends, I don't drink, I don't smoke, I even get red when I lie! But somehow, I've started and have been living this double life for a year now.

 

It all started with a presentation I had to make for him..He invited me to lunch to discuss it and before we knew it..phone calls, emails, drinks, dinners.. etc.

 

The worst thing about this is that I am finding myself falling deeper and deeper in love with this MM. At first, it was mostly about the sex..but somehow it has gradually developed into more. The sex..is so amazing..but we also sit and talk for hours. I'm not sure whether to laugh or to cry..

 

He has never given me any illusions that he will leave his wife. He is honest. And so am I. I love my husband very much..and so does he his wife. We don't have any intentions of leaving our SO's. Which makes this so much more painful.. The longing to be with my MM is almost unbearable. I see it growing every day.

 

Some days are ok..I don't even think about him. Other days, I am in so much pain..hurting because I am jealous. Hurting because I feel guilty.. Longing to be with my MM..but also knowing it will never ever happen. I JUST DON'T UNDERSTAND WHY I TORTURE MYSELF LIKE THIS!!!!

 

The thing for the both of us, is that we enjoy each other's companionship so much. He gives me what my husband can't. Physically..But my husband gives me everything else..

 

I am just looking for advice. I know what the right thing to do is..Break it off, Run for It.. I just don't have the will to do it. ](*,) ](*,) I am looking to find someone else in my situation and advice. Why am I falling in love?? How can I stop this!?!?? Please advise..

[Sally00]

You need to STOP THIS. This is NOT GOOD. For crying out loud, how can you be living 2 different lives like this and put up with it for a year?!

 

You've cheated enough on your husband and this MM has cheated enough on his wife. This is BEYOND wrong.

 

You are hurting everyone in the end. And I can see why this is eating you up inside. This is horrible what you are doing.

 

Stop this affair IMMEDIATELY. Be with your husband. Let him be with his wife. You can't keep doing this... hurting everyone around you.

[dancesinquicksand]

First of all you don't sound very happy to me. Of course what you have with this guy is great. Its got all the advantages and non of the baggage. You get to check in and then check out when the fun is over. No expectations, no let downs. Just pure enjoyment. And the fact that you know it's wrong makes it more fun. It's like a drug.

 

Now, what if you husband finds out. Keep doing it long enough and It's bound to happen. Are you willing to sacrifice your marriage for physical enjoyment. You say you are in love. More like lust. If you were to take a break from this guy. Say a couple of months. I guarantee you would look back on this affair and see it for what it was.

 

I'm not judging you. I've been there. And you owe it to yourself to be honest with at least one person in your life. And that is you...Your not doing any of that. And frankly i remember how exhausted I felt trying to just live with myself.

[kellbell]

Hi there and welcome to eNotalone.

 

"and married with two beautiful kids...."

 

Why, for the life of me, I cannot figure out why people do this. Those kids are the ones whom are going to suffer the most from this, mark my words. They are innocent and they are going to pay dearly for mistakes you and your lover made. My heart goes out to them.

 

"The thing for the both of us, is that we enjoy each other's companionship so much. He gives me what my husband can't. Physically..But my husband gives me everything else.."

 

Okay, this is so because of the thrill, the infactuation, the enchantment, it is taboo. Plus, there are no strings attached. You are blinded with lust, it is not love.

 

You need to end this NOW! This is very wrong for everyone involved, especially his children. You have a responsibility to your marriage, your husband and the vows you took at your wedding. Get to heart of why you are unhappy with your husband. If he cannot give you what you need, then end the marriage. By you carrying on this affair and staying with your husband, you are taking choices away from him, choices he deserves and has a right to have. Try marriage counseling. This affair needs to stop ASAP. Good luck.

 

P.S. I hate to break it to you...you and your lover are NOT honest people. You and him are lying in the worst way imaginable.

[BillyJean714]

I don't understand. He's cheating, you're cheating. You both are having sex outside your marriage. And in the end, you both are still considered "honest" people??

 

I'm sorry, but if your husband f-d another woman, fell head over heals in love with her, lived a double life, you find out, how do you think you would feel?

 

I don't understand the capacity of how one human being can hurt another..especially when it comes to relationships/marriage vows. This is why I'm deathly afraid of marriage.

 

If I were you, I would confess to my husband and break off the marriage. He CLEARLY deserves someone who loves him and is at least honest to him. But, if he's cheating on you and having sex with other women too, then I guess the relationship you both share is polygamous. If it's okay for you both, then I hope all works out well. I sincerily don't think that this is the case.

 

In a relationship, I would think that if one person loved another person, they would do anything to not hurt the other person, because they love them so much.

 

I don't know the full story of your relationship, so I'm not in the position to say much. The thing that makes me feel sad is I really feel sorry for your boss's kids. They must think the world of their father..

[BellaDonna]

cb cb,

 

Hi and welcome to enotalone. Chances are you will probably not receive advice from anyone who thinks this is a "good idea". If that's what you are seeking, the responses here may be disappointing.

 

However, it is clear that you are hurting a lot right now- and harsh lectures are not going to help you. But you do need to see this situation for what it truly is: Very Unhealthy

 

You know he won't leave his wife. Even if by a miracle he did- a life with him would likely be less than perfect- and not as fantastic as you imagine it to be. You'd never trust one another because you entered the relationship as cheaters.

 

What void is he filling in your life? Do you have healthy self-esteem? Is the attention or praise from him that you crave?

 

BellaDonna

[Hope75]

Everyone has given you some really good advice so far.

 

I don't have alot to add, but I will say that from your posts you really don't sound happy.

 

Juggling an affair is not easy- you are keeping a tremendous secret from your husband, whom you face everyday and claim to love.... and yet, you are completely dishonest with him and hurting him in the worst way possible, without him even knowing it yet.

 

Imagine.. for a minute, how he would feel when he finds out. Not what he would say or do to you, but his feelings. He is in this marriage because he loves and respects you and wants to be with only you. He walked down the aisle and promised to be true to you and you alone. You made those same vows to him. I am unsure how you can claim to love him and yet do this to him.

 

Your reasons for starting the affair are ones we've heard so many times before.... it just happened... we couldn't help how we felt.... one thing led to another....the truth is that you do have a choice. You make a choice every time you spend time with this lover, every time you call him, meet him, sleep with him-- you make a conscious choice to deceive, lie, and cheat on your husband.

 

This relationship with the married man is a dead end road- you said so yourself. He's not going to leave his wife, you don't want to leave your husband. You are not honest people, you are both lying and cheating-and have been for a year-- that is the most dishonest behavior there is.

 

I suspect that leading this diffcult double life is not something that you want to do long term. Since you know that your married lover is not going to leave his wife, that pretty much leaves you a few choices.

 

1. Decide if you want to salvage your marriage.

 

a. If yes, stop the affair immediately. Put 100% into your marriage. It's up to you if you tell your husband about the affair. I would, because I could not live with myself otherwise, but if you do, be prepared for him to possibly leave you, and for the damage you've done to potentially destroy your marriage and the trust that is supposed to be there. It will take alot of work to put back together what you've broken.

 

b.If not, irrelevant of what the married man decides to do, you need to leave your husband. If this is your choice you should tell him why- he deserves that.

 

2. Consider what you are getting from the married man. He's not going to leave his wife- you are never going to get him 100%. You will always be on the side, getting scraps. Don't fool yourself here- this man doesn't love you- he doesn't love his wife either. He is only thinking about himself. Are you prepared to destroy his family, his children, for this? Think about his family for a second.

 

3. Take control of the situation and stop making excuses. If you wanted to leave the married man you would. Think about the choice that best shows respect and care for all involved. For yourself, your husband, the married man, and his wife and children.

 

This has been going on for more than a year. You are seriously hurting and deceiving people you claim to care about, and you are putting alot of energy into leading this double life-- and in the process hurting yourself. Since you posted here I am going to take a wild guess and say that you are not happy with the way things are, and you are probably feeling tremendous guilt over the pain that you have caused and will continue to cause because you chose to have an affair.

 

What are you going to do?

[BillyJean714]

Your reasons for starting the affair are ones we've heard so many times before.... it just happened... we couldn't help how we felt.... one thing led to another....the truth is that you do have a choice. You make a choice every time you spend time with this lover, every time you call him, meet him, sleep with him-- you make a conscious choice to deceive, lie, and cheat on your husband.

True that!

 

Are you sure your husband satisfies you emotionally, intellectually, and spiritually? Is he your bestfriend?

 

If he makes you that happy, then I wouldn't see why there would be a reason to cheat on him.

 

Not unless if you're totally unattracted to him, and the thought of having sex with him makes you repulsed. Even so, if that were the case, if I were in your shoes, I still could not and would not have the heart to sleep with another man. It just breaks the bond of the deep friendship you both share. Or maybe he hurt you in the past, cheated on you, and in some ways, this is your way of getting back?

 

Either way, doesn't sound like your immediate relationship with your hubby is fulfilling enough. I think Hope has a good point- you have a choice. The choice is to be true to yourself and break it off with your husband (sounds like you're more in love with the MM than him), or the choice is to stay miserable in this relationship and lie to yourself----> with or without Mr. MM. Tough decision.

 

If you don't do anything about it, you'll always feel internally conflicted.

[Beyondthesea]

Sorry honey, but this man doesn't love you even if you do love him (which you don't).

 

He's getting the best of both worlds and so are you...no strings attached sex and life without real life problems.

 

Affairs are simply caused by people who are bored in their relationships and want a thrill.

 

Don't fool yourself into thinking this can't be broken off. If you really love your husband, you never would have done this. And don't fool yourself into thinking you're never going to be caught either.

 

Karma is a b*tch my friend, I'd end this now before it bites you in the butt.

[cb_cb]

I realize what I am saying is ridiculously superficial and self-centered..I am here though to try to change..

 

I think I am enjoying the attention he gives me, but I also crave the physical aspect. It doesn't help that he is literally the most beautiful man I have ever set my eyes on.. He is the hottest guy at work. The hottest UNattainable guy at work. In the beginning, I really just got caught up with the fact that he was my boss's boss..the guy that everyone else wanted but couldn't have. He was a signature arrogant @sshole. Of course, when I got to know him, he really isn't that way.. He is insecure, loving, gentle, funny..he can also be cruel.. I have tried many times to break it off in the beginning..but somehow, he gets to me. I am just too caught up..and I realize I need to take a step back..

 

Which, I did yesterday.. I told my MM that I needed space to think. He's been sending me emails and ecards..telling me how much he misses me, how much he loves me.. but he's also stopped calling because he realizes that I am hurting so much.

 

He is traveling to Tokyo for business next week..I hope to clear my head of him by then.. or at least have some space to think..

[BellaDonna]

He's been sending me emails and ecards..telling me how much he misses me, how much he loves me

 

Of course he is. He wants to keep the door open for sex. Don't you realize how convenient this set-up is for him? My guess is you were not the first, and you will not be the last that he cheats with. Who knows what he'll do while he's in Tokoyo..... If you think you mean something special to him, you're wrong. Look what he does to his wife and children, and he supposedly "loves" them.

 

If I were you, I would try to find another job to remove him from your life. It's very unfortunate that he has that kind of power where you work.

 

He was a signature arrogant @sshole

 

 

he can also be cruel

 

I just wonder if you break it off and he's not so happy about it if he'll be low enough to make your life miserable at work. He's already low enough to cheat- so you can't put it past him.

 

You need to get this toxic man out of your life.

 

How long have you been with your husband? What's your husband like?

 

BellaDonna

[RayKay]

Well darn rights he was UNATTAINABLE because he was married!

 

Of course, obviously, he does not care much about that commitment anyway, so he really is not so unattainable. Good looking people can be ugly too.....

 

You are hooked because you only see the good, you hear what he wants you to hear, shows you the side of him he wants you to see.

 

You are fooling yourself if you believe he loves you. I would also bet he has proven to be "attainable" before with other women. Even if he "loves" in his own warped way, apparently "love" in his mind does not have much respect.

 

I feel sorry for your husband, and your children. As they are the ones that are going to be truly the victims in all of this - they already are because you "devotion" is directed to another relationship at this point.

 

Love does not hurt, disrespect and lie.

 

I agree with Bella, and Hope. You need to decide what you want, and follow through with that. And not stick to this middle ground where you are right now. You are an adult woman, and you have the power over your own choices. NO ONE forced you into this affair, and only you can also get yourself out of it now.

[kellbell]

He loves the sex, the no strings attached sex...he does not love you. He is wining and dining you in order to get the sex. And you love the attention. This is not what I call a healthy, thriving, and HONEST relationship. This situation is NOT good for anyone.

 

Like someone else pointed out, you are probably not the first person he has cheated on his wife with or you are probably not going to be his last. I would not be surprised if he hooked up with someone in Tokeyo. Why not? He is 1000's of miles away from you and his wife, there is a very slim chance he would get caught.

 

Save what ever dignity and self-respect you have left and cut this man out of your life. Perhaps switch jobs. And work on your marriage with your husband.

[BillyJean714]

What's it with women and unattainable men?

 

My friend and I had a discussion about this last night at dinner. I guess she was right, some women really are shady.. I don't think like that, but I'm really surprised that other women do. DEVIOUS. I guess in some ways I am somewhat naiive in that aspect.

 

Anyway, as previously mentioned, I would not be surprised if he's doing another woman in your office. Nor will I be surprised if he f-'s another one in the future.

 

I also agree. Work somewhere else. I'm really sorry, but I am TOTALLY disgusted by all this. I can't even imagine. How can a person just openly have sex like that? I mean, in the heat of the moment, didn't you think about HIS poor children? Didn't you think about HIS wife? Didn't you think about YOUR husband? How can two people play mind games with each other like this? I could NOT spread my legs, knowing that my actions would hurt other people like that. I just couldn't! I just can't imagine.

 

You really do need to sever ties. I feel so sorry for his wife/kids and the person you're married to. I really didn't want to come off as being harsh, but sometimes, people make too many excuses for themselves. They should wake up to reality, and realize what they do to HURT others.

[Hope75]

OK so you are here because you know what you are doing is wrong, destructive and hurtful, and it needs to stop. That is a step in the right direction- you want to change and you want to do what's right and end the affair.

 

Now that you have realized that, you need to take action- that means leaving him and sticking to it. You are not helpless, and you are not a victim. You made a choice to start this affair, and now you can make a choice to stop it- and stick to it.

 

The others are right- of course he is going to try and get you to stick around, he enjoys the sex free of commitment and attachment. I have a feeling that knowing how you describe this guy as powerful, arrogant and attractive, you are not likely the first women he's used before, and won't be the last. Don't be fooled into thinking he loves you- a man who loved you would treat you with respect and want to be faithful to you- this man has shown deplorable character and nothing indicative of love.

 

You have right in front of you what some people look a lifetime for... a good husband who treats you well. It's a shame that you are risking throwing all that away for stolen moments of second hand sex with a married man.

 

Make the choice to end it- do it- and follow through.

 

We will be here to support you through it.

[yeawutever]

Obviously he doesn't love neither you nor his wife. He's only using you for the thrill and if he had any respect, he would leave his wife and then be with you.

[theantibarbie23]

What kills me in these situations is how married people in these situations are more than willing to risk thier spouse and children's emotional well being (as well as the OP's spouse and kids as well) just because they feel a strong attraction to someone else. It amazes me. What the hell ever happened to self control?!

 

Every time you see this man you are gambling with the welfare of all the innocent parties involved, keep shooting the dice long enough and you WILL eventually crap out. No one really thinks they will ever get caught but the truth is it usually does come out sooner or later.

 

Is this man worth the destruction of your family? The pain and suffering of your husband and children? If not, stop talking about this and start acting on these feelings instead. You have to stop seeing this man NOW if you desire to try and save your family. There is no other way.

 

If you are serious about wanting to quit this affair, find a new job and go no contact with this man. Get yourself into therepy and work on fixing yourself as you have a LOT of work to do. You *can* end this affair if you really want to. Despite how you feel about this man, you still have control over your life and actions. If people on heroin can break their addiction, so can you.